Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Page 95 of 187

Man vs. Boy

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Later today, I’ll be walking into therapy with my head held high.   Yesterday, I took an important step towards being assertive.   I spoke up for myself.  I stood my ground, despite the aggressiveness of my opponent.

It all started when I entered my local coffee shop, a business named Hawaii Coffee or Aloha Coffee — I’m not entirely sure, because although the coffee shop has been opened for a year and a half, they still haven’t placed a sign outside.  Inside, the walls are brightly decorated with photos of surfers and real ukuleles, all there to remind you that the shop is Hawaiian-themed.  It is a decent-looking place, but they should have saved some of the money they spent on the kitschy ukuleles, and bought a sign instead.

The “Hawaiian” coffee shop have several different types of coffee, including their “famous” Hawaiian Kona coffee which, ironically, is their worst-tasting coffee.  But there are free re-fills and free wi-fi, so I can’t complain too much.

Usually the shop is empty when I come in, but today it was packed — with mothers and kids.  It was Martin Luther King Day, so the schools were closed, and all the mothers were schlepping their kids around as they did their shopping.  All the tables were already taken.  The only available seating was in the corner — two cushioned chairs with a large table in front.  An eleven year old boy was kneeling in front of the table, playing with a toy construction set, similar to the Erector Set I had when I was a boy.   There were dozens of metal pieces strewn all over the table.  His mother was seated elsewhere, gossiping with her friends.

I bought a cup of coffee and headed over to the chairs.

“Are you using this chair?” I asked the Kid, smiling at him.

“Yes,” he quickly answered.

I made note that he was kneeling on the floor.

“How about this other chair?”  I asked.

“I need that chair, too.”

“Why’s that?”

“I need a lot of SPACE!” he announced.  He went back to playing with his metal, a Donald Trump in the making.  He smashed the pieces together as if he was building a Transformer.

“Screw it,” I said to myself, and decided to go outside.  I would drink my coffee while sitting on top of my car.  Then I stopped.  What the hell was I doing?  This was an eleven year old kid!  I retraced my steps back to the Kid.  I leaned down to face him.

“You’re not using these chairs right now, and you can’t use both of them, so I’m going to take one of them, OK?”

I probably shouldn’t have asked his permission because it just made him more adamant.

“I need the space!”

Let me remind you that during this entire exchange, his mother didn’t even look over once.

“You can have your space,” I told the annoying Kid.  “But I’m going to take this empty chair and move it over HERE, so I can sit.”

“Fine!”

I slid the chair several feet away from the kid.   I sat and enjoyed my coffee.  The Kid went back to destroying his metallic city.  The mother kept on gabbing.

I was proud of myself.  I didn’t back down against my young, but worthy, nemesis.

It was a moment to remember.

Now, who’s going to take me on next?!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   Why I Write

The Blogger Interviews (The Great Interview Experiment)

Here are the links to most of the interviews done in 2008 for the Great Interview Experiment.

To join up in 2009, add your name to this list.

Ascender interviews Pam of Nerd’s Eye View

Pam of Nerd’s Eye View interviews McKay

V-Grrrl interviews Finn of A Life Less Ordinary (also here)

Madame Diva interviews Penelope

Jennifer of Open Book interviews Tiddlywink

Gorillabuns interviews Sizzle (also here)

Kathleen interviews Nathan

Nathan interviews Margalit

Chantel interviews the Watkins Lady

Watkins Lady interviews LvGurl

Geeky Tai-Tai interviews Tatiana

Cookiebitch interviews Melanie of “Not Just Nouns and Verbs”

Whoorl interviews ByJane

Abigail interviews Mrs. Mogul

Sizzle interviews Madame Diva

Walking Punchline interviews Marriage-101 (also here)

Rosa interviews Julia from “Not Graceful Enough”

Natalie interviews Fringes (also here)

Karen Sugarpants interviews Karl

Fringes interviews Helena

Jill of “Glossyveneer” interviews Gorillabuns (also here)

Neilochka interviews V-Grrrl (and here)

Dave of “Dave’s Beer” interviews Black Belt Mama

Julia interviews Bec of “Out of My Tree”

Seven interviews Schmutzie

Otir interviews Cookiebitch

Kerflop interviews Merry Mishaps

Caron interviews Glossyveneer

Sarah interviews Chantel

Elisabeth interviews Otir

Marriage 101 interviews Seven

Helena interviews Ali of Cheaper Than Therapy

Penelope interviews Lisa

Finn interviews Caron

Karl interviews Sarah

Ingrid interviews Blackbird (also here)

Joe interviews Red Red Whine

Margalit interviews Melanie of Artful Kisser

Schmutzie interviews Karen Sugarpants (also here)

Merry Mishaps interviews Katie of The Dilettante Debutante

Blackbird interviews Witchypoo (also here)

Nat interviews Bev

Not Faint Hearted interviews Ash

Lara of Red Red Whine interviews Will

Kirida interviews Ashley

Wendy interviews Walking Punchline

Victoria of The Prophesaur interviews SparkleSunShine (also here)

Tatiana interviews Di of Woman Wandering

Q interviews Samuel

Palinode interviews NotFainthearted

Tiddlewink interviews Sarah of Doodah!

Sarah of Doodah! interviews Kerflop

Witchypoo interviews Miguelina

Will interviews Natalie of Tell Me About It

Miss Britt interviews Kelly (also here)

Noir Betty interviews DaveX of Startling Moniker

Miriam interviews Elisabeth (also here)

Whit interviews Annika

Black Belt Mama interviews Shelley (also here)

Claire interviews Kelly of Ordinary Art

Sarah from In the Rouge interviews The Prophesaur (also here)

Not Fainthearted interviews Ash in Amsterdam

Emily interviews Miss Britt

Ashley of Splendid Sustenance interviews Oleoptene

Robin of Montanamoonshine interviews GB

Kristen interviews Fatboyfat (also here)

FatboyFat interviews Robin from MontanaMoonshine

Janie interviews Kristen

LvGurl interviews Abigail Road

Johnna interviews Michelle of Fabricated Goddess

Kyran interviews Ree of Hotfessional

Commis Chef interviews James from the Ink (also here)

DaveX interviews Maitresse

Shash interviews Whoorl

Rilla interviews Commis Chef (also here)

Andrea inteviews Jenny of Absolute Bananas (also here)

Oleoptene interviews Actorgirl

Kelly interviews Kim of Parachuting with a Net

Melanie interviews HeyJoe

Fabricated Goddess interviews Amber at Crazy Bloggin’ Canuck

Nichole of Esmon interviews Rodger Jacobs of Carver’s Dog

Bryna interviews Shash (and here)

Cog interviews Leahpeah (also here)

Loralle of Looney Tunes interviews Ascender Rises Above

Kristy of She Just Walks Around With It interviews AKA Monty

GB of Tidings of Comfort and Joy interviews Zookeeper

Woman with No Regrets interviews ChildsPlayX2

Curiosity Killer interviews Geeky Tai-Tai

Julie Scott interviews Emily of Something Shiny (also here)

Linsey of Uncouth Heathen interviews Tex in the City

-R- interviews Little Miss Mel (also here)

Talina interviews Janelle of Junk food for the Soul

Mary Pat of My Second Journal interviews Lisa (also here)

Lisa interviews Jeni

Maitresse inteviews PocketCT

Dry Ink interviews Gunfighter

Feral Mom interviews Will

Jen interviews Cog (also here)

Nancypearlwannabe interviews Nichole

Candy interviews herself

Peeved Michelle interviews Fivetoedsloth

Emily interviews Feet Firmly Planted

Di interviews August

Chris in Oxford interviews Courtney of Malfeasance

Danny interviews Arjewtino

Pocket Aces interviews Mary Pat

Hotfessional interviews Barbetti (also here)

Theresa of My Fairbanks Life interviews Jessica Mae Stover

Jenny from Absolutely Bananas interviews Rhi in Pink

Fitena interviews Sarah

Monica interviews Elaine of Just a Reed (also here)

Elaine of Just a Reed interviews Kathleen

Frank interviews Ally

Zookeeper interviews Frank

Red Lotus Mom interviews Frogdancer

Lesley interviews Val

TimeCzar interviews Janie

Nadine interviews Ingrid

Jennifer interviews Fitena

Kristabella interviews S.K. Waller

Leigh Anne interviews Erika of Dry Ink (also here)

Donna interviews Time Czar

Bri interviews Red Lotus Mama

Angela from Sparklie Sunshine interviews Emily

James from The Ink interviews Rachael from Antithete

Theresa from My Fairbanks Life interviews Fringes

Becky interviews Sarah

Artful Kisser interviews Miriam

Kate interviews Robyn from Pocket Aces

Miguelina interviews Jenny of She Likes Purple (also here)

Janelle interviews Talina

Nat interviews The Lost Albatross

Elaine interviews Kathleen of Unsettled

Sara interviews NancyPearlWannabe

Jen of Quarter Life Crisis interviews Sara

RA interviews Jen of Quarter Life Crisis

Whitney Barbetti interviews Laura of What a Life (also here)

Heels interviews Stacy of La Boudoir

Simon interviews Tiffany (also here)

Red Pen Mama interviews Uncouth Heathen

Katherine interviews the Muse

Rob interviews Michelle

Smtwngrl interviews Jacob (also here)

Matthew of Child’s Play x2 interviews Jake

Jessica Stover interviews Turnbaby

Theresa interviews Danny of Jew Eat Yet

Frogdancer interviews Alunfoto

Fabrcated Goddess interviews Johnna

Deep Muck interviews Alisa

Widget interviews Nancy

Ally interviews Torrie (also here)

Tiffany interviews Beck of Deep Muck Big Rake

Shelley interviews Jane Poe

Five Toed Sloth interviews Heather

Jake Jakob interviews Chris

Jeannette interviews Becca

Jenn interviews Nat

Nat interviews Jenn

Lori interviews Suebob of Red Stapler

Jane interviews Akaky (also here)

Smtwngrl interviews NoRegrets

Jen interviews Claire of TTAT

Carolyn interviews Kerrianne (also here)

The Muse inteviews Angela (also here)

Alisa of A Juicy Life interviews Lesley

Vanessa interviews Widget

Leah interviews Wendy of Of Boys and Books (also here)

Avitable interviews Feral Mom

Shannon interviews Marge of Marge in Real Life (also here)

Marge interviews Molly

Sarah interviews smtwngrl

Erin interviews Clyde

Turnbaby interviews Chris in Oxford (also here)

Mocha Momma interviews Fairly Odd Mother

Jacob interviews Brittany (also here)

Jen from Semantically Driven interviews Kristabella

Sheila interviews Sleepynita

Angela interviews Erin (also here)

Kelly of Ordinary Art interviews Callie (also here)

Molly interviews Sue Katz (also here)

Julie interviews Anno

Theresa interviews Savia

Savia interviews Theresa

MILife interviews Sarah of Pink Cereal and Raspberries

Witchypoo interviews ciboulette

Jeanette interviews Indecisive Peach

Egghead Jr. interviews Dana of MILF in Progress

Dana interviews Jen of Semantically Driven

Michelle interviews Carolyn

Fabricated Goddess interviews CuriosityKiller

Toni interviews Mountainmama

August interviews Christine (also here)

Erin interviews Juliezilla

Sleepynita interviews Mocha Mommy

Fairly Odd Mother interviews Going Like Sixty

Arjewtino interviews Sassy

Michelle interviews Carolyn

Dan interviews Mark Roberts

D interviews Rob

Liz R interviews Toni

Headbang8 interviews Liz R (also here)

Sarah interviews Melina

Tricia interviews Sarah

Wendy interviews Ciboulette

Sarcomical interviews Loralee (also here)

Pam of Nerd’s Eye View interviews Indecisive Peach (also here)

Melina interviews Ragtop Day (also here)

Karen interviews Squeaky Wheel

Butterfly interviews Sappy Chick

Mr. Fabulous interviews himself

Hamster_Grrl interviews Dingo

Sappy Chick interviews The Roaming Southerner

Jackc interviews Z

Jennifer/The Word Cellar interviews Laurel of Sass Attack

Chris interviews the Unreliable Narrator (more here)

Hamster_grrl interviews Sensibly Sassy

Nancy Pearl Wannabe interviews Definitely RA

PMJG interviews Bzzzzgrrrl (also here)

Sassy interviews Kristy (also here)

Rachel interviews Jenny of Zesty Enterprises

Jack interviews Marinka

Backpacking Daddy interviews Redneck Mommy

Fear and Parenting interviews Anissa

Mandy interviews Average Jane

My Mumbling Thoughts interviews Miss Grace

Oh, the Joys interviews Backpacking Dad

Mary Beth interviews San Diego Momma

San Diego Momma interviews Amelia Sprout

Amy interviews Ry of Arts and Dafts

Ry of Arts and Dafts interviews Elisa of Diary of an Unlikely Housewife

A.C. of Thunder and Windchimes interviews Mary Beth

Elisa interviews Sam of My Mumbling Thoughts

Winter interviews Kevin of Always Home and Uncool

Overflowing Brain interviews Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas

Vodkamom interviews Winter

Sherendipity interviews Gin

Forever in School interviews Merie

Mama Ginger Tree interviews Katie from Overflowing Brain

Sheilamia interviews Ali

Ali-Rn Mom interviews T of Send Chocolate

Pretzel interviews Papa of PapaTV

Carmen interviews Charming Bitch

Marinka interviews Shiny

Katy interviews Heather

Heather interviews J

Headless Mom interviews Mary P. Jones

Meg interviews Pretzel

Suzanne interviews Meg of Mad Woman and here

Meg of Mad Woman interviews Katy

Charming Bitch interviews Renee of But Why Mommy

Kerri interviews Carmen

John interviews Manager Mom

Jen interviews Alix

MamaMPJ interviews Maia

Sophie in the Moonlight interviews Jen at 12 Steps Closer

Katy interviews Heather

Sisyphesse interviews Debbie at Real World Martha

The Great Interview Experiment

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Note:  If you are interested in the 2009 version of the Great Interview Experiment, please go here.

This was V-Grrrl‘s recent comment on my last post about blogging awards, blogrolls, blah blah blah.

i am nobody
who are you
are you nobody too?

I know she was riffing on the somebody vs. nobody idea that I was writing about in the post, but I’m sure a lot of us think this way. For me, the Blogosphere was supposed to erase this old school, hierarchical type of thinking. It’s the reason I started to blog. I’m not a nobody online. The minute I posted my first post, I was a “published” writer. Even if my writing sucked. Even if my audience was one crazy guy from Ohio and my mother.

Gimmicks like Blog Awards are fun because it gives people a chance to socialize with each other, but the concept is mostly for old farts. It is as meaningful as the Oscars, mostly good only for self-promotion. The really best blogs will never be nominated because you don’t even know they exist. Besides, blogging is so much bigger than that, and works on a whole different level. The fascinating part of the medium is that I can write about my talking Penis and have some guy in Iran read my blog, and soon his Penis wants to talk, too! And then, his wife, hearing the sound of love, wants to overthrow the government! And because of one blog post, the whole world is filled with freedom and love and happiness! Now that’s inspiring. I’m all for your personal blog being all about you. That’s how I view my blog. But blogging is more than your own blog. It is the thrill of the freedom of expression, and the random and unlikely connections that we make with each other. And who can forget the importance of comments? Comments alone can MAKE a post interesting.

For two years now, ever since my brief stint writing about personal bloggers on Blogebrity, I’ve been complaining about how a combination of hierarchy, elitism, advertising, and plain old human insecurity will make the internet a less interesting place, especially to be a personal blogger lost in the loudmouth world of politics, celebrities, and product placement. Of course, as the blogosphere matures and becomes fragmented and cliquish, it is a losing battle. But, like the last Spartan warrior, I keep on fighting.

Did you ever notice that whenever some expert is being interviewed on Oprah or the Today show, the person just happens to have a book coming out the following week? It’s as it wasn’t important to tell us the cure for cancer until the guy’s book comes out, and then they don’t even tell you the cure so you have to buy the book. I’ve seen some bloggers being interviewed by other bloggers. It’s usually the same as it is on TV. Those interviewed are persons deemed “worthy” of being asked important questions about the world. They have a popular blog, a project coming out, or a specific expertise. We instantly find these people even MORE interesting because someone took the time to interview them. It’s like Obama’s campaign didn’t even start until Oprah sat down to talk with him. All of a sudden, everyone went, “Wow, she finds him interesting. He MUST be interesting.” I know most of you won’t agree with me, but I think anyone who decides to write about their life online is interesting, even those who may not do the best job yet of conveying that on paper. We all should be interviewed, at least once.

Here’s how it is going to work. The first person who comments on this post, will get interviewed by me. I will read the person’s blog, then email him ten or so specific questions, hopefully more about his life (what makes them tick) than their favorite blogger (too obvious! — me). I’ll give my interviewee as much time as necessary to answer the questions, but hopefully he’ll finish it by next week. There might be a back-and-forth if the person feel uncomfortable with a question, etc. or if I want to explore a topic further. Finally, when it is all written up, I will polish the draft, send it back, and the interviewee can proudly publish the interview on their own blog.

It doesn’t end there. While I am interviewing the first commenter, he will be interviewing the second commenter. The second commenter will be interviewing the third commenter. Each person should then put their own interview on their own blog, or on the interviewer’s blog, or both (your choice!), answering the questions as openly and honestly as he chooses. Not only will this give others a new way to know you, but we will sabotage the idea of an interview only being for “somebody.” Everyone is somebody.

Update:

If you leave a comment, you’re in…

I will keep on adding to the list of interviewers/interviewees. Theoretically, the list can just keep on going perpetually… There really is no specific deadline. Just think of me as the Jewish mother who will guilt you into doing it ASAP, so as not to be rude to the next guy.

Email me with any questions or if your interviewer flakes out, so we can re-assign you.

Here is a list of the completed interviews.

Technorati Tags: blogging, interviews, The Great Interview Experiment

More on the Last Post

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Therapy was very emotional this week.  I didn’t cry, but I almost did. We weren’t even talking about anything significant.  I was explaining to her about some writing project.  I was having some trouble with the plot. It was difficult to concentrate in the therapist’s office.  She was wearing a pretty dress, and she had sexy legs, and I felt almost too comfortable sitting calmly with a centered human being who was listening to me and was saying that it was OK for me to feel anxious about certain things.  It all felt very intimate and spiritual, and I had quick glimpses in my mind of taking the therapist on the couch, but in a nice, loving way, to thank her for being so kind.  I know I write these sex thoughts too much on this blog, but I’m only trying to be honest here.  These were not sordid thoughts.  These were nice and innocent thoughts.

I took a breath and almost cried.

“What are you thinking?”

“I just feel emotional.”

“Emotional, in what way?”

“I can’t explain it. I feel something overwhelming, but I don’t know what it is.  But it also makes me laugh, because I’m sitting in a therapist’s office, and I’ve seen this movie so many times, and I’m stepping away from myself and watching this scene, knowing that if this was a bad movie, I would break down now and remember how my mother used to hit me with metal hangers.”

“Did something ever happen with your mother?”

I laughed.

“Nah.  Those metal hangers were precious in our house for hanging up clothes.  But I had my mother on the phone before as I was driving to the supermarket, and I said I would call her back in two minutes, and that was four hours ago.  I need to remember to call her back.”

(sorry, Mom. I’ll call you tomorrow)

QUICK CUT to new topic:

I had no intention to write about therapy.  I wanted to discuss my last post.  I read it over and it seemed too jokey.  There was a reason for posting it, which has nothing to do with Blog Awards, even though I titled it Blog Awards.  It has to do with insecurity, something we all have in differing degrees.

The seeds to the post grew from an email I received a month ago.  I never responded to it, because I wasn’t sure how to answer, but I kept the message on a notepad on my desktop, waiting for a inspirational way to reply.

Here it is.   I hope the author doesn’t mind.

Good morning! Neil!

How are you?

I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for the past year – and I was delighted that you had my link on your blogroll…. but suddenly it’s not there anymore? Is there some reason why?

I had your link a while ago… and then moved it to another category. After I realized I was replaced by other fancier blogs on your blogroll… I guess I was jealous and removed yours as well… I want to apologize for acting so juvenile. I would greatly appreciate a critique of how my blog had failed to engage you. Please be gentle.

It would be easy to chuckle at the silliness of this writer’s email, but, in all honesty, I find this person brave for sending it to me.   At first I did laugh.  A critique?  Fancier blogs?  Does this writer actually think that I have a game plan here on Citizen of the Month?

Surprisingly, the email moved me.  It makes me feel emotional, much as I did in the therapist’s office — except for the sexy legs part, of course. We’re all so insecure about so many unimportant things. I know I can be.   Maybe not so much about blogging, but certainly with other parts of my life.

I’ll try to be more thoughtful of the feelings of others.

The Best Blog of 2008

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As you may know, now is the season when all the “Best Blog” Awards are handed out. There are several of these competitions currently running. It is of the utmost importance that you vote for me for “The Best Blog of 2008” in every single one of them. I thank you. I really do consider you all as my personal friends. It would mean so much to me if I were considered “the best of the best.” If I was able to win one of these contests, I would finally be able to hang out with the really big-time bloggers, and not the bunch of losers that I usually… uh, let me rephrase that. I love you. Some of you have fine blogs. Of course, none of them are the caliber of the really cool bloggers such as… I mean, most of you are happy enough just blabbing on and on and on about your boring… cute children. But that’s water under the bridge. You’re nice people. Well, except for a few of the assholes I met last year in Portland. That said, I know you care. Or at least you’re very insecure. No, I think of every one of my blogging friends as an equal. Except for the two bloggers who actually know Dooce personally. They’re special. Well, one of them is. The other one took me off her blogroll. But that’s OK. She’s probably been busy. She’s pretty important in some circles. Although, I do see she comments a lot on the blogs of her friends. Oooh, her friends. You know, maybe she’s been commenting on my blog all this time, but it’s being caught as spam, and I never notice that she’s been commenting. Yeah, maybe. Well, whatever. She’s probably busy. Things will be different soon. Soon, I’ll be “The Best Blog of 2008.” Then, she’ll be reading me again. Yes sir. Good-bye losers. Hello, Dooce. Or whoever Dooce is this year. Is Pioneer Woman this year’s Dooce? Hey — maybe I can be this year’s Dooce? Eh, I doubt it. But what am I complaining about? I have all the really hot babes coming to this blog. That’s something impressive, right? I mean, even if the three female bloggers I actually slept with this year have been as exciting as gefilte fish in the sack. Well, one of them was doped up on 100mg of Prozac, so I can understand her problem. No woman can have a decent orgasm when she’s on that stuff, no matter what position I use with her. But that was my fault for getting involved with her. I totally misunderstood her when she said she was bipolar. I thought she was talking about some kinky sex thing. Live and learn.

Well, like I said — I love you all! And thank you.

(OK, OK, just in case you’re new: Truth factor 0%. Come on, seriously! Do you really think I would let the female blogger go without an orgasm? Even one on Prozac?)

(OK, OK, it is 2AM, Sophia is sleeping. I can write whatever I want, dammit!)

Jokes in Yiddish

Humor is very important. I’d rather hear good jokes than see a naked woman in my bedroom. Of course, if the naked woman was the one telling the jokes, I wouldn’t complain. Especially if she was also carrying a corned beef sandwich.

You see, that was sort of a joke. Not a good one, but then again, you didn’t pay to come to this blog.

Sophia likes to laugh. That’s one of things that keeps us together. Tonight, we watched Bruno and Carrie Ann’s Dance Wars. The song and dance routines were so bad, that we were laughing it up. The show was like a bad high school production, and you couldn’t even blame the writer’s strike. Thankfully, it put us in a happy mood. Who said TV couldn’t couldn’t have a positive effect on personal relationships?

Since I’m on the subject of humor — how many of you have heard a guy tell a real joke in Yiddish? Probably not many of you. I don’t know Yiddish, but I imagine every joke to be much funnier in that language.

Here is a guy telling some jokes in Yiddish. I’d like to imagine that I would be like him if I was born during his generation. Eh, I probably would be too shy. It is much easier writing a blog.

(Mom, if you want to watch this, remember to turn the sound ON)

My Wife is a Midget

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Today’s blog post was nixed by Sophia. She thought it was too personal. I’m respectful of that. She is absolutely amazing. She “allows” me to write pretty much anything I want. Of course, being a tinge passive-aggressive, I wanted to make sure that my artistic freedom was still intact.

Sophia: You need to check with me first before you write anything personal about ME.

Neil: Do you mean WRITE or PUBLISH?

Sophia: Write.

Neil: Well, I appreciate what you are saying, and I respect it, but you can’t tell me WHAT not to write. I can write anything I want about you.

Sophia: No, you can’t.

Neil: Yes, I can. I just can’t PUBLISH it. But I can write it.

Sophia: Well, I don’t want you to write it.

Neil: Sorry. I’m in therapy now. I know my rights. If I want to write that you are, say — a midget, I can write it. As long as I don’t show it to anyone.

Sophia: But I’m not a midget.  I’m not even short.  You can’t write it.

Neil: I can write it. Even if you aren’t.

Sophia: I’ll sue you.

Neil: You can’t sue me for writing it. You can sue me for publishing it. But I can write, “Sophia’s a midget” all day long if I want — a thousand times in my own Microsoft Word — and you can’t do anything about it.

Sophia: How about this?

Sophia hits me on the head with the newspaper. Conversation over.

P.S.. Just for the record, Sophia isn’t a midget, but I have no problem saying it in the privacy of my own home — when Sophia isn’t here.

Vote for Me… Or Else

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I woke up this morning and saw a large manila package outside our door.  I opened the door, still in my underwear, and took it.  It was for Sophia.  Since she was still sleeping,  I took the initiative to open the package myself.  Out came a huge brochure, a press kit, and a free movie pass for a Paul Thomas Anderson-directed movie for Miramax.  I laughed to myself. It was for the SAG awards.  It was that time a year again, despite the Writers’ Strike. The Weinsteins must really want to win and Oscar this year.   Did they really send this to each and every SAG member?

I heard Sophia rustling in bed upstairs.

“You got a package!”

“A package? From whom?” she asked, half asleep.

“Someone really wants you to vote for them! — “There Will Be Blood“.”

“Oh my God.” she replied, her voice cracking nervously. “What did you say?!”

“Someone really wants you to vote for them! — “There Will Be Blood”.”

“Who would do such a thing? Is this a threat?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Sophia stepped out of the bedroom, looking like she spent a little bit too much time on Facebook last night, particularly the US politics application. She heard me say: ” Someone really wants you to vote for them or there will be blood!”

I assured her that Hilary Clinton would never send her a manila package with a threatening message.   She would put a horse’s head in the bed.

The Wider That Her Hips Are

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Have you seen this interesting health news? — Research shows that women with bigger hips have higher IQs than their more slender counterparts. Finally! A way to figure out which readers to dump from my blogroll — the dumb skinny ones. (sorry, size 0 Communicatrix — you just can’t argue with science)

The Wider That Her Hips Are

The wider that her hips are
The higher her IQ
Deena has a nice big ass
So she’s the girl I woo

Mira Sorvino, she’s hourglass
She went to Harvard, did well in class
Keira Knightley, she has no tit
So naturally, she’s as dumb as shit

The wider that her hips are
The higher her IQ
Deena has a nice big ass
So she’s the girl I woo

Her curvy waist, her ample hips
She rides me for an hour
I love the way she conjugates
With all her brainy-power

The wider that her hips are
The higher her IQ
Deena has a nice big ass
So she’s the girl I woo.

Modern Art

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I am here, but do you see me?  I Twitter my voice, but do you know me? 

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I want to step from my box, my canvas, my rectangular prison.

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 I can see your face, but I cannot touch you.

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 I want to feel something.  A touch maybe.  A breath.  Your laughter.

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I imagine you.  Are you wearing red today?  Do you wonder about me?

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Do we look at each other like pieces of art, hanging from the wall, imagining what could be, but never daring?

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