Category: Advertising and Marketing (Page 6 of 7)

Stretching the Jamba Juice

July 22, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 27 Comments

The following is taken verbatim from the Jamba Juice newsletter "Jamba Whirl" that I picked up at my local Jamba Juice (true!):

When Shellie Wilkinson first walked into Jamba Juice in October 2003, she wasn’t thinking about losing weight or changing lifestyle. She was simply hungry — and wanted something to boost her energy level.

But it wasn’t long before Shellie realized that drinking down a delicious smoothie (with a shot of wheatgrass on the side) was the perfect alternative to a fatty, fast food lunch. It tasted great, filled her up, and even better, it let her feel energized. After about a month, she was already a few pounds lighter.

"I started going every day, and pretty soon everyone at Jamba knew me," says Shellie, 37, an entrepreneur and mother of two who lives in Santa Barbara, CA. "I would get in line, and by the time it was my turn to pay, my smoothie would be ready!"

Her newly found energy also inspired her to purse a new passion: karate. She and a friend signed up for lessons, and she began going three hours a week. Other changes followed: she gave up alcohol, stopped eating after 6 p.m. and prepared lighter, healthier dinners.

The result? In one year, Shellie lost 60 pounds and dropped from a size 16 to a size 8. She’s now a fit 146 pounds and has earned a purple belt in karate.

"I had tried every diet out there," she explains. "Nothing worked. I realized Jamba smoothies offered good carbs, nutrition and energy and when combined with my other lifestyle changes, the weight just started coming off. Thank you, Jamba!"

I like Jamba Juice smoothies, but do you really think Shellie lost all that weight by drinking the almost 400 caloried Jamba Juice smoothies every day — and not from the other things she did?

If I wake up every morning and play with myself for an hour, then jog for ten miles, then give up alcohol, and then eat a salad every day for lunch — can I really say that playing with myself every morning made me lose 60 pounds?

Jared and Subway. Shellie and Jamba Juice. The "Citizen of the Month"’s revolutionary new diet plan.

Could I write a book, "Playing With Yourself — Into Thinness!"? Would Oprah take me as a guest?

Hip and Unhip Cartoon Icons

July 19, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 31 Comments

I was talking with the uber-talented Pauly D about which cartoon character was the most annoying, and my first pick was Donald Duck.

Is Donald Duck funny? Absolutely not. Is he a stupid duck with a speech impediment? Yes.

Ironically, the first writing job I had when I moved to Los Angeles was writing for a Donald Duck cartoon. In case you didn’t know this, the Disney Company is very aggressive about the copyrights of their signature characters. They once got a second grader from Topeka, Kansas imprisoned for 20 years when she was caught drawing a likeness of Minnie Mouse on her schoolbook cover. (that’s a joke, Disney lawyers)

Because of their strong hold on their characters, Disney doesn’t just let you write for Donald Duck. They first give you what seemed at the time to be a 600 page “Bible” — a book of what Donald Duck could and could not say. Now, If you know anything about Donald Duck, he doesn’t really talk. He quacks in a high pitch voice about two and a half octaves higher than anyone can comfortably hear without damage to the ears. Until I read “the Donald Duck Bible,” I didn’t know that some quacks are allowed, and others verboten. For instance, he can quack something like “Aargh,” but he would never be allowed to say “Oy.”

And you still think Jews run Hollywood.

Donald Duck wasn’t the star of the show. The “demographic” effect of the growing youth culture had now changed cartoons forever. It was assumed that kids didn’t want to see adult cartoon characters anymore. They wanted to see other runts like themselves. So, no more Bugs Bunny. Now, it was Baby Bugs. No more Donald Duck as the star. Now it was his three obnoxious nephews, Huey, Dewey, and Louie. To make things worse, Huey, Dewey, and Louie were “updated” to be more current. They were now three hip-hopping rap dudes/ducks with their hats on backwards.

You can see the irony here. Disney is so worried about someone messing with their precious characters, but they themselves were dressing the nephews in the latest fad — one that would be old hat in two years. If breakdancing was in today, would Mickey be breakdancing down Main Street in Disneyland? Probably.

One cartoon character I always liked was the advertising icon, Charlie the Tuna.

Now that tuna was hip — always with the beret and sunglasses! He didn’t have to fake it, like Huey, Dewey, and Louie. I was sad to learn that Charlie’s creator, advertising copywriter Tom Rogers, died recently in Charlottesville, Va. He was 87.

Starkist’s website does not have one mention of the man who pretty much made their company a success. I think we should boycott Starkist until they mention copywriter Tom Rogers on their website. Until then, I’m only eating Bumble Bee.

I’m glad they never changed Charlie the Tuna. I wish they never changed the Brawny Man.

I know the old Brawny Man looked a little like a 70’s porno star, but the new guy is just way too clean-cut. When I use my Brawny paper towel, I want to think of that big ‘ol lumberjack guy chopping down that tree with his big ol’ hands. The new Brawny guy looks like he just walked off the “Queer Guy” set. This new “sensitive” guy never chopped down a tree in his life. I bet you he gets his hands manicured. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s even an environmentalist who doesn’t even believe in chopping down trees. Today, I was in my local “99 cent” store and I saw a whole pile of the new Brawny paper towels. That’s right, Brawny paper towels in the “99 cent” store! ‘Nuff said.

Sometimes, it is necessary to update a icon. Betty Crocker has been selling cake mixes to housewives since 1936.

(Betty Crocker in 1936)

Life magazine recently posted several of the various “Betty Crocker”s, to show how Betty has changed through the decades — to match the image of what is considered a “modern woman.”

(Betty in 1955)

(Betty in 1965)

(Betty in 1969)

(Betty in 1972)

(Betty in 1980)

(Betty in 1986)

(Betty today)

As a guy, my preference has to be the 1986 Betty Crocker. She has a “devil-may-care” attitude in her eyes. She’s the only Betty Crocker that I can visualize having sex with her assistant chef, banging against the Masterchef Oven while she waits for the angel food cake to finish baking.

Betty today looks like a boring assistant manager at Bank of America, someone who might go on a date with the new Brawny man after meeting him on Match.com.

Delivery!

July 11, 2005 / Neil Kramer

Amazon.com is doing a special 10th Anniversary Promotion. Instead of the boring old UPS guys delivering your packages, some lucky customers will get major celebrities coming to their doors with the Amazon products they ordered. For instance, Jason Alexander might show up with the new Seinfeld DVD. Or Harrison Ford will be at the door with the new edition of Indiana Jones.

Recently, I ordered a new tennis racket from Amazon.

This morning, there was a knock at my door. It was my new tennis racket from Amazon.com — delivered by Anna Kournikova!

Here is our conversation, word for word:

Anna Kournikova: Delivery for Neil Kramer.

Me: That’s me.

Anna Kournikova: Sign here.

Me: OK. Thanks.

She handed me the package.

Anna Kournikova: Take care.

She left. I closed the door behind me.

Happy Birthday, Amazon. Next time, just send me everything on my Wishlist.

UPDATE 6PM: My apologies to Amazon.com. Anna Kournikova did not really come to my door this morning. Rather than this being a dumb promotion that was worthy of mocking, these celebrity visits were filled with fun and excitement for Amazon’s customers.

(Robin Weiner/U.S. Newswire)

As an example, here is the real picture of Kournikova making a surprise personal delivery (with UPS driver Hugo R. Leal) to Los Angeles doctor Andrea Feinberg. In the box was a pair of Adidas sneakers and a gym bag. Kournikova smiled and laughed with the UPS driver as the photographer took photos. After the photo session, Kournikova quickly got the hell out of there and into her awaiting limousine.

UPDATE July 20:

Actual celebrity deliveries in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles Fashion News

June 27, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 4 Comments

Dov Charney and American Apparel are at it again, this time trying to sell old-school tube socks by dressing up (or down) porn star Lauren Phoenix in their new advertisements.

If you were born before the Reagan Administration, you’ll surely remember those cool tube socks, that is until kids started beating you up for wearing them.

In their next ad campaign, American Apparel is using porn star Rick Rockhard to sell their new line of early 1970’s tennis sweatbands.

Marketers, Over Here!

June 25, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 8 Comments

As if I don’t have enough spammers and perverts scanning my website, now I learn that marketing companies are using high-tech methods to scan my Web log for "valuable insights" into the consumer market. U.S. companies using new blog analysis tools have already figured out that teens fear exceeding their cellphone minutes, consumers want longer-lasting photos, and interest in Atkins diet is dropping.

Umbria, with clients including Sprint Corp. and Electronic Arts Inc., says its natural-language analysis can determine blogger demographics based on language, subject matter and acronyms. OMG ("oh my God!") or POS ("parent over shoulder") are expressions defining Generation Y girls, or those ages 10 to 25; FUBAR ("fouled up beyond all recognition") is often used by male baby boomers.

Such analysis can be important. Umbria says Laker guard Kobe Bryant has lost his cachet with most bloggers, but he is still the No. 2 National Basketball Association personality, behind LeBron James, among the boys of Generation Y, important buyers of videogames, sneakers and basketball jerseys.

David Rabjohns, president of blog watcher MotiveQuest, calls the field "online anthropology" and says he regards his firm as "almost a mouthpiece for the consumer." The Evanston., Ill., firm’s clients include Motorola Inc. and Citigroup Inc.

For a Japanese auto maker, Mr. Rabjohns says MotiveQuest studied online postings about minivans. Soccer moms said their young children love minivans, which they regard as "a playhouse on wheels," but teens regard them as lame and want SUVs. MotiveQuest recommended developing a loyalty program to persuade minivan owners to buy the company’s SUVs, rather than trying to get them to buy another minivan.

As a consumer who wants his opinion heard, I will now be more vocal in using brand names so as to help marketers scanning my blog:

Ragu Tomato Sauce sucks. It is the worst-tasting stuff on the market. I find better tomato sauce at the 99 cent store.

You couldn’t pay me to buy another piece of junk furniture at Ikea.

Sony TVs aren’t as good as they used to be.

The Hyundai Santa Fe comes with a really bad radio.

The Simpsons were better last year.

Pacific Theater‘s popcorn is inferior to AMC’s popcorn.

Starbucks coffee is too bitter.

Krispy Kreme doughnuts are over-rated.

Vons is the worst supermarket in Los Angeles, with the lousiest selection.

Streit’s Matzoh at Passover is crap compared to Osem Israeli Matzoh.

Paramount Pictures‘ movies have been mediocre lately.

American Idol only has two more years left in it.

Office Max is the least interesting of the office supply stores.

Despite Paris Hilton, Carl’s Jr. is the worst fast-food place in California.

Her mother’s show, I Want to Become a Hilton, is the worst reality show ever.

The phrase "this" as the new "that" is overused. Los Angeles Times editors should stop using it.

Newsweek and Time both suck as magazines.

The girls in Stuff are prettier than the girls in Maxim.

Brunettes are sexier than Blonds.

No more TV shows set in Las Vegas. It’s really not that interesting there.

The vegetables in Whole Foods are way overpriced. Are only the wealthy supposed to eat organic while everyone else poisons themselves with the vegetables at Ralphs? Why not subsidize healthy vegetables rather than art in a museum?

Crystal Geyser water sometimes smells funny. Are you sure this isn’t just the local water repackaged?

The equipment at the 24 Hour Fitness on Pico needs repair.

I have never responded once to an online advertisement. It is a total waste of money.

Rice Krispies is the wimpiest cereal. I can’t believe I ate these as a kid.

I never really liked the pizza at California Pizza Kitchen.

Cingular‘s advertisements lie. Their service is awful. I can’t even use the phone in my own apartment.

Although I use it, I’m not very impressed with the interface of gmail.

I’m a little concerned about drinking Coke with Splenda. How do I know they aren’t going to find out that Splenda is cancer-causing ten years from now?

Mentadent toothpaste tastes bad and the toothpaste always drips onto the bathroom counter.

Jockey brand underwear never fits as well as Hanes.

I pity you if you have no choice but to use Comcast for cable (like me).

Michael Jackson was probably guilty.

Any other cry-outs to the scanning marketing bots?

Hamlet Drinks Corona

May 25, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 1 Comment

Product placement is now all over television, especially in reality television. Am I the only one to find all the Travelocity references in this season’s "The Amazing Race" annoying? Let’s not even talk about "The Apprentice," which has become one big infomercial for Trump and other companies.

The trend now continues in the Broadway theater:

As part of a product placement campaign in Broadway’s Sweet Charity, playwright Neil Simon approved a script change to promote Gran Centenario tequila, according to the deal makers.

The playwright replaced a line, “I’ll have a double scotch on the rocks” with a mention of Gran Centenario tequila.

In addition to having the Gran Centenario mention written into the script, the tequila’s logos are integrated into the show’s set in one scene, and the product has been the drink of choice at Gran Centenario-sponsored parties thrown during the pre-Broadway shows as well as its New York opening.

In Hollywood news, a new release of Orson Welle’s classic, Citizen Kane, comes out today where "Rosebud" is a Tony Hawk skateboard.

Vegetarians are Sexy, Too

May 24, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 1 Comment

Did you know it is National Vegetarian Week this week? Give a hug to all of the vegetarians and vegans in your life. If you want to get into the mood for a little more action, check out this "sexy vegetables" film produced by the National Vegetarian Society. They decided that a little sex can help people eat their broccoli. (via Caffeine Goddess)

Bikini Girl Sells Body on Ebay

May 22, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 1 Comment

(via Adrants)

Twenty one year old college student Courtney Van Dunk from New Jersey closed on an eBay auction yesterday that promised to place a sponsors temporary tattoos on her abdomen while she’s out and about strutting her hotness for drooling by passers to ogle. While the $11,300 offer was retracted and her site pulled by eBay because she linked to other sites featuring her, Van Dunk says the offer is still open and has placed another auction on eBay.

Didn’t I make a joke about someone doing this just two weeks ago, never imagining that anyone would actually do it? Darn! I should have gotten a copyright on the concept.

(Ms. Van Dunk on Ebay)

(my original concept on imaginary
girlfriend)

Is it just the approaching summer, or do I seem to be finding excuses for doing stories about women in bikinis?

UPDATE JUly 3, 2005 —

Of course, it was inevitable that some woman would raise the stakes by tattooing the name of a gambling site on her forehead for $10,000.

California Real Estate Bubble to Bust?

May 18, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 2 Comments

Is the California real estate bubble about to bust? Probably not…but after seeing realtor Wendy Heath selling real estate on this controverisal Long Beach billboard , I certainly have one bust on my mind.

(get it?)

There have been some reports that housing sales are down, in some cases by double digits, but in Ms. Heath’s case, her double digits are just fine.

(get it?)

I know interest rates are getting larger, but they certainly aren’t as large as…

(OK, you get it. Ms. Heath, a graduate of Loyola Marymount University, is a real estate broker wearing a bikini to get my attention.)

(And I know that, in proper English, interest rates are going "higher," not getting "larger," but then the euphemism wouldn’t work, right?)

Carl and Paris

May 17, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 3 Comments

Carl Karcher was born in 1917 in Sandusky, OH.

He moved to Anaheim in 1937 to work in his uncle’s seed store. He later delivered baked goods and ended up buying one of his stops…a hot dog stand. Karcher and his wife grew the stand into an empire of four before opening Carl’s Drive-In Barbeque in 1945. Carl’s Jr debuted in 1956, so-named because they were considered "junior" versions of the original drive-in. It was modeled directly after the original McDonald’s, which by then was pioneering the modern day fast food industry. Carl’s Jr spent the next couple of decades expanding and innovating, introducing several firsts to fast food restaurants like padded seating and partial dining room service.

Carl was always a family man. Today, he has twelve children, forty grandchildren, and eighteen great-grandchildren. He is a long time supporter of Republican candidates and causes, including the Right to Life League, which has a platform calling for the end to abortion, with no exception.

Nothing says family values better than the new Carl’s Jr. commercial starring Paris Hilton, a woman made famous giving a blowjob in a video.

Let’s give credit where credit is due. The commercial is sexy, but my mind wandered to things other than the soap on her body. How do the filmmakers keep the lettuce and tomato from sliding out of the bun? I’ve eaten burgers in Carl’s Jr. They end up a mess. Did the prop people have to put little pins on the bun to keep it down, sort of the way you have to pin down a yarmulke?

Here is the nutrition info on the six dollar bacon cheeseburger. Now, this is pornographic.