Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Advertising and Marketing (Page 5 of 7)

My First Attempt at Targeted Advertising

October 24, 2006 / / 40 Comments

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For the upcoming Poetry Thursday
demographic:  hot Yoga chicks

I’ve mastered my emotions
Through tantric practices
Through careful meditation
I’m a Ayurvedic wiz
I know my Bhakti Yoga
I’ve sat with Liz Elayne
I’ve read my Upanishads
While posing in the rain
To reach my inner chakras
is actually quite hard
That’s why I feel my oneness
With the Enlightenment Visa Card

You know how several times a year, you get offers for credit cards from every organization you’ve ever been connected with:  the AAA, your college alumni, Amazon.com.  Do you have any doubt that if my penis would apply for a Mastercard, that he would be approved for one?

I just happened to find the idea of an Enlightenment Visa card amusing.   From their website:

Finally, a credit card for people like us

Some people say money is evil…

We say “how” money is used determines the effect.

The Enlightenment Card was founded on the idea that money is energy and if used with positive and integrative intention, can have the power to affect change in our lives and the world. Everyone uses a credit card, so why not have one where people can earn points towards positive products and services that enhances their overall “Conscious” life path? Some of the categories of rewards you can earn points toward are yoga classes, organic products, retreats + workshops, travel, books + DVD’s, personal care, spa treatments, and more…And, members can even redeem their points to make donations to charities such as Trees for the Future.

Is collecting 154,000 Reward Points for a Thai Yoga Massage at a fancy resort really that much better than American Airlines Frequent Flier Miles?

There are eight different cards you can choose from, including “Truth,” “Love,” and “Peace,” each with a different “spiritual” picture on it.

I LOVE the Enlightenment Card’s slogan:  “Changing your world with every point you earn.” 

Arm in Arm

October 18, 2006 / / 50 Comments

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Imagine a world where liberals and conservatives stand side by side. Where gays and right-wing reactionaries work for the same cause. Where snobby New Yorker and small town Southerners live as equals. Where foul-mouthed frat boys and stern-faced feminists wish each other well.

Is this utopia? No, this world does exist.

Online.

This world is called Blogads.

Since I started blogging, I’ve complained about how segmented the blogosphere is — differerent “communities” that rarely interact. In reality, a unifying force brings the most popular blogs together — one God you might say — yes, it is money from advertising.

I’ve always been fascinated with advertising, ever since Mr. Molnia, my eigth grade Social Studies teacher, taught us about “propaganda techniques.” He always told us to study the advertising on TV and newspapers because you could learn a lot about what is — and what is NOT said — in the world.

Despite my hatred for advertisements on blogs — and I HATE THEM — there is a strong possibility that I might end up with them some day. So, today, I hit the online road to explore what is out there. And here is what I found: No surprise. There is a lot of advertising going on.

Before we all get all excited, you should know that to make any sort of money, you need a lot of readers and “hits.” In the scheme of “blog celebrity,” if Dooce is George Clooney, I’m Pauly Shore’s unknown brother, Herman.

Dooce and the big mommy and daddy blogs like Amalah, Finslippy, and Dad Gone Mad, all seem to be part of the Federated Media Publishing network and get advertisements from Adbrite. I quickly left these two sites, realizing I was on hallowed ground.

I headed over to BlogAds (for opinion makers!), mostly because I’ve seen them on all types of blogs, and they seemed to “represent” a broader ranger of “categories.”

We’re the blog advertising specialists. Launched in 2002, Blogads.com is where you place ads on America’s most influential blogs.

We represent the blogs you read — sure they’ve got stellar demographics (see our surveys of 56,000 blog readers), but blog readers aren’t just another random crowd of affluent consumers. Bloggers and their readers are mavens, influencers and insiders. Densely networked and brainstorming together at the speed of light, they are the new epicenter of American opinion.

Brainstorming together at the speed of light? Is that what we do every morning in our underwear? And… speed of light — are you kidding? Have any of these people actually commented on a Blogger site? It takes five minutes just to fill out the name, the email, the url, and that stupid jumbled word? Speed of light? Maybe big-time bloggers never actually comment anywhere, sort of like how former President Bush didn’t know how to buy groceries in a modern supermarket.

Still, I knew Blogads was the place for me. How did I know that? Because there were testimonials. Testimonials that I didn’t understand, and I’m always impressed with things that make me feel stupid.

“Blogads is the ‘Intel-inside’ of the blog revolution.”
– John Hlinko, Grassroots.com

Ok, great!

“My favorite ‘buzz seeding’ tool currently is the amazing network over at BlogAds.com…”
– Brian Clark, GMDstudios

I like the buzz seeding stuff because it sounds like sex.

“The best part is being able to share space (mind-space, virtual-space, screen-space) with the bloggers who — if they embrace our books and authors — make all the difference”
– Farah Miller, Knopf Publishing Group

The three dimensions of space. Cool!

But clearly my favorite was:

“…we’ve gotten very good CPM and CPC rates this way…”
– Elias Israel, Messagefire

Now, this is why I started blogging!

As in other “ad networks,” Blogads separates their blogs into convenient “hives” to attract the appropriately affluent demographic.

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Curious to know “What’s My Hive?”, I went through each hive one by one, trying to find the best “fit” for Citizen of the Month.

Here’s the bulk of the list:

Hollywood Blogads
Liberal Blo Advertising Network
TVBlogs
Humor Network
Conservative Blog Advertising Network
Beltway Bloggers
The Philly Ad Network
Hip Hop
Baseball Blogosphere
Gay Blogads
Environment and Sustainability
SportsBlogs
Los Angeles Blogs
Women Bloggers Network
Blue Country
International BlogAds
Government Relations Blog Network
Programming and Technology Blogs
Riveting Reviews
The Liberal Prose
Foodblog Ad Network
Military Blogs
Hip Hop and R&B
AltWeeklies Blog Network
Southern BlogAds
North Carolina
Fashion Blogads
Indie Film Blogs
Indie Music
Law Blog Ad Network
Texas Progressive Alliance
Design Network
SoapBlox
Science Blogs
The Anti-Terrorism Coalition
Red State Network
Progressive Parenting
Baby and Parenting Blogads
UK Blogads
Economic Blogads
Chicago Blogs
Oregon Progressives
Football Blogosphere
Gun Blogs
Raging Center-Right Bloggers
Stock Market Investing Network
Jewish Blogs
Product Niche Network
Blogads Gaming
Evangelical Bloggers
Japan Blog Ad Network
Colored Left
Shopping
Physician Blogging
Jersey Ad Network
Travel Blog
Michigan Ad Network
Wine Blogger Ad Network
Libertarian Ad Network
Christian Moms
Homeschool Blog Network
Art Network
Twin Cities MN Blogs
Lesbian Blog Ad Network
Colorado Progressive Bloggers
Iowa Blogad Network
Weight Loss, Fitness, and Diet
Boston Blogs
Craft Blogads
Feminist Blogger Network
Music Blog Network
Blogads Gadget Network
Gossip Blogs

Whew! That took forever to type out.

Have you ever seen a more motley crew? On the blogosphere, they all hate each other, but on Blogads, they all work for the same cause. In fact, the better the Christian Moms do as a network, the more money in the pot for the lesbians! It’s a small world after all!

Of course, it is difficult to “typecast” yourself. Of all the categories, the ones that seemed most appropriate for myself were the Humor Network, Los Angeles Blogs, and Jewish Blogs.

Unfortunately:

1) My blog really isn’t that funny anymore. Humor Network.

2) My most popular post on Los Angeles was: “Why is Los Angeles So Ugly?” Los Angeles Blogs.

3) Jewish Blogs? Uh… uh… well…

SHALOM, ADVERTISERS!

UPDATE: On request, Jay at the Zero Boss offers readers of this blog a very special BLOG ADVERTISING PRIMER — an insider’s look at how it works and why it is important to clutter up your blog with ads.

UPDATE #2 — 10/20/06: My little post on advertising yesterday received more email than anything I’ve written lately, so it must have touched some nerve. There’s probably a lot of different anxieties at work here — art, snobbishness, money, envy, etc.

I think many of us were initially attracted to blogging because of how democratic it seemed. Any grandmother with a mouse could start a blog and join the conversation.
But, all of a sudden, everyone is talking about bloggers paying their mortgage with their blog.  I understand t would be be nice to get something back something in reurn for all our blogging “work” — other than spam. Oh, right, we’re supposed to be doing this to find our writing voice and make online friends? Hah!

Today’s society is clearly a world of marketing and publicity. We should know. Half of us work in that field.

Everywhere around me, I see the melding together of art and commerce — not that it is new, just that there are fewer and fewer places to hide from it. Just today in the LA Times, I read about how a new PBS children’s show is being sponsored by Arby’s. There are already cross-promotions in the works. Why exactly does PBS exist if it is becoming as commercial as network television? But really — who can blame them? With less government funding, PBS needs to get money from somewhere.

It is sad to me that you can’t even hide in the Blogosphere.

At The Zero Boss, I learned about how blogs are using clever methods to sell you products. Wal-Mart’s PR firm created two blogs that were POSING as grass-roots support for the giant retailer.

I had never heard of this new company called PayPerPost, where you can sign up and make money by promoting products on your blog. So, in the future, if I tell you how much I loved my Burger King Veggie Burger, you won’t be able to know whether I really enjoyed it or I am GETTING PAID to say I enjoyed it.

I’m surprised that so many of you actually said that I should “go for advertising.” To be honest, I’m not sure it is even worth it. Someone who works in the biz emailed me and said that when all is said and done, the most I could expect is forty bucks a month — and that’s only if I completely covered my sidebar. God knows what type of ads would go here.

I think I would be better off with a job with better health benefits.

Maybe I am behind the times. Maybe I’m a sucker for the laid-back, old-school Los Angeles vibe of years ago, a world I fantasized about even as a child in Queens — where everyone just hung out at the beach, not worrying about marketing, but only the sun and the surf, listening to the Eagles on the radio —

What did you say? The Eagles just made an deal today to sell their next album where?  Excusively at … WAL-MART?!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: How Much is that Dildo in the Window?

(is this old post kosher?)

Promotional Awareness

October 8, 2006 / / 54 Comments

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After I made my blog “pink” for Breast Awareness Month, I received a surprising email from someone who is against the whole concept of “awareness” month.  It seems as if there are quite a few people out there who think corporations are using their support of breast cancer for their own profit and brand awareness.  Are yogurt brands really interested in breast cancer or are they just marketing to women?  

From the blog  I Blame the Patriarchy:

But where’s the activism? The ostensible focus of all this pseudo-philanthropic pink jockeying is a kind of nebulous breast cancer ‘awareness’, rather than any serious effort at prevention or investigation into what actually causes breast cancer in the first place. Furthermore, once all this ‘awareness’ has produced, via mammography outreach programs or self-exam propaganda (both masquerading as ‘prevention’), a positive diagnosis, there’s not any great push to secure treatment for underserved women.

I don’t agree with this type of reasoning.   A lot of money is going to good use and all this corporate sponsorship is surely helping.  Or is it?

Politicians support virtually unopposable ‘bipartisan’ breast cancer funding initiatives as directed by behemoths like the massively influential and reactionary Komen Foundation and come out smelling like a rose. The rank and file, conditioned by now to believe that there’s no problem shopping can’t solve, are invited to feel virtuous and altruistic whenever they buy a Yoplait yogurt or a pink KitchenAid mixer.

My question for these naysayers:  would it be better if it were the other way — and there was no corporate sponsorship?  And isn’t this exactly what progressives have been asking for — for corporations to be more responsive to their consumers?  You think supermarkets (and Walmart) are completely altruistic because they have started to carry organic foods?  Or Starbucks carrying coffee from certain countries?  Of course they hope to make profits while doing some “good.”

But, I thank you, e-mailer, for opening my eyes to an interesting topic.

This mix of promotion and politics was on my mind last night when I thought about going to the movies by myself.   With Sophia in New York for October, I thought about finding the movie with the most sex in it.

I read about Shortbus, a film by the director of “Hedwig and the Angry Inch,” which is supposed filled with actors having real-life sex.  Perfect!

Now, once upon a time, moviegoers used to go to pornographic movies because they were horny or wanted to have some fun.  Things are different today.  You buy Yoplait yogurt because they support breast cancer awareness.  And you go to a porno movie because it is anti-Bush.  I read this before heading out the door —

A US film featuring actors performing real sex is a “call to arms” against President George W. Bush, the director told journalists at the Cannes film festival.

“Shortbus,” an explicit, largely improvised arthouse flick is a direct provocation, director John Cameron Mitchell admitted.

“It’s a little bit of a cri de coeur to us, a little bit of a call to arms” against the prevailing conservatism, he told a media conference, adding that his country was living in “the era of Bush, which is about clamping down, being scared.”

The 43-year-old, whose previous work was “Hedwig and the Angry Inch,” about a transsexual rock singer, said the film was his own small act of defiance against Bush.

“If you can’t do elections you might as well do erections,” he said.

Oh, I see.   So, now the Whole Foods crowd, doesn’t have to feel guilty about going to see a SEX movie.  They are going to see an anti-Bush film.  In fact, by going to see to this movie — it’s a vote against the administration.

Yogurt as a breast cancer awareness tool.   Dislike of George Bush as a reason to see people f***ing.

I decided against going to the movies.  I went to a local juice bar wearing my pink breast cancer bracelet, met a cute girl, and asked her if she wanted to come back to my place to “protest the policies of the current administration.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Survivor: Santa Fe

A Message From Our CEO

September 11, 2006 / / 18 Comments

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My name is Roger Hedgegood, CEO and President of ToughBoy Toys. 

Now that the popular Lonelygirl15 on YouTube, an inspiration to countless teenagers across America, has been outed as a fake, a mere marketing gimmick developed by filmmakers repped by CAA — I think it is time to come clean as well.   

As part of a promotion for our upcoming Christmas toy for boys ages 10-14, Fighting Ninja with Talking Penis, our marketing department developed a blog centered around a self-named “Citizen of the Month.”  Using the names of my two pet gerbils, Neil and Sophia, my marketing department, under the creative guidance of V.P. Marketing, Elaine Lansky-Kramer, developed this entertaining and poignant blog hoping to create a buzz about our new toys. 

I know many of you have grown to admire “Neilochka” and “Sofotchka.”   I hope you will continue to enjoy this exciting interactive storytelling experience.  Even thought they are not “real” in the traditional sense, you shouldn’t stop showing your love and affection.  It is you, the fans of Toughboy Toys, that are the real stars.  And here’s some exciting news – soon there will be “Neilochka and Sofotcha” brand “skinny jeans” coming to a Gap near you, from sizes 0-6. 

A special thanks to Pooja Rajghatta Associates of Bombay for all their assistance with Neil’s “emails” and “phone calls” and the William Morris Agency for supplying us with the actors who played Neil and Sophia on their “visit” to New York and the Berkshires.

Thank you and remember, “Fighting Ninja, Talking Penis!”  — on sale at Walmart stores starting on November 12!

 

Name Changes: I Now Live In Blogosphere Estates

April 17, 2006 / / 25 Comments

1)  My Favorite Cereal

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I was walking down "aisle 10" in Ralph’s Supermarket today to buy my usual healthy, but cardboard-tasting "high-fiber" cereal, when I started reminiscing about the sugar-high cereals of my youth:  Lucky Charms, Trix, Frosted Flakes, and my all time favorite — Sugar Pops — or Sugar Corn Pops, depending on what year you started eating them.  I used to love those bright yellow crunchy bits of sugar that somehow were related to "wholesome corn" and kept their crunch quite well, unlike the wimpy and soggy Rice Krispies.   

My current supermarket had many cereals on sale, almost too many, and there was a whole section devoted just to Kellogg’s products.  But when I saw the familiar yellow box, I was quite surprised to learn that Sugar Pops were not called Sugar Pops anymore.  No.  Now, they are just called Pops.  The word "Pops" was written in some pseudo-graffiti font and there was some sort of promotion going on for snowboarding.  This was obviously a Sugar Pops for a new generation.   But are parents so stupid to think that Pops are any healthier than the Sugar Pops they used to eat, just because Kellogg’s dropped the "Sugar" from the name?

Maybe Sugar Pops are more successful nowadays as just Pops.  Changing names can be a powerful illusion, like changing Kentucky Fried Chicken to the heart-healthy KFC.

2)  Real Estate

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When I was growing up in Flushing, there was a housing project across the street.  The residents were mostly those on welfare and other federal assistance programs.   While it was a noble idea in principle, it was a nightmare for the neighborhood.   The crime rate zoomed, and women were frequently attacked walking the streets.  After a few years, there was so much community uproar about "the projects," that they were closed down.  A few months later, they were taken over by a private company, quickly painted over, and renamed "Georgetown Mews."   My friends and I always joked about this, as if this ultra-pretentious name somehow transformed this ugly complex into something sophisticated.

With real estate so hot, I see this type of "naming" used all the time.   For instance, on the way to Palm Springs recently, I noticed what used to be an empty lot in a god-forsaken desert area between LA and Palm Springs.  Now, it has been transformed into "Rawhide Ranch," as if any actual horse wouldn’t immediately drop dead in the area’s 120 degree heat. 

New York and San Francisco have always been very successful in turning a rundown part of the city into some hip enclave.  Step one:  promote the area with some cool name like Tribeca, Soho, DUMBO, etc.  Los Angeles is now getting into the game by "trying to trick hipsters into leasing Skid Row lofts: the Old Bank District."

Why not?  It works.

3)  Concentration Camps

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Changing your name is frequently a way of hiding your past.  When a company does something illegal, they often come back with a changed name — and a fresh start.  Sometimes a name is associated with a disaster. That’s why after ValuJet crashed in the Florida Everglades, they changed their name to AirTran.  It’s not surprising that Poland even wants to to rename Auschwitz.

"Poland is trying to change the name of Auschwitz concentration camp to emphasize that Nazi Germans, not Poles, were responsible for the most murderous center of the Holocaust.

The government has asked the United Nations to change the name of its World Heritage site from "Auschwitz Concentration Camp" to "the Former Nazi German Concentration Camp of Auschwitz.""

Who’s going to say that mouthful?  I think most people remember that the Nazis were the bad guys.   Name changing is a powerful instrument.  What do you think Poland is trying to forget about it’s own past?

I understand that living in Auschwitz might be a drag.  But, hey, why not just build a Six Flags there so Auschwitz can change its reputation from the "place with a death camp" to a "place for fun?"

I Love You, Sun-Maid Raisin Girl

April 3, 2006 /

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Much like Betty Crocker and the Brawny Man recently “updated” their product’s icon, the Sun-Maid company wrongly thinks that the 21st Century requires a 21st Century Sun-Maid girl.  When I heard about this change, I was extremely upset.  As a lover of raisins, I’m fond of the old icon — the kind-hearted, but lusty farm girl, always with a smile on her face, the perfect hostess who never fails to offer me some of her fresh-picked, juicy California grapes.  What full-blooded American teen male hasn’t spent countless hours staring at his box of raisins, fantasizing about this beautiful raisin girl with the tight peasant blouse and mysterious red bonnet, her long, dark hair flowing down?

The Sun-Maid girl has an actual history:

“Unlike the Pillsbury Doughboy or even Betty Crocker, the Sun Maid image is based on a real person – Lorraine Collett Petersen, a California girl who volunteered to hand out boxes of raisins at the 1915 Panama Pacific International Exposition in San Francisco.”

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“Petersen was asked to pose with a tray of grapes for a painting that became the company’s logo in 1916.”

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“The image was updated in 1970, when the Sun Maid’s decidedly ethnic features were smoothed out and her torso was slenderized.”

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Thirty-six years later, and it’s time for some more Botox — especially if you’re going to be on television.  So, since it’s time for some Sun-Maid commercials, it’s time for the raisin girl to get a makeover.

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“But now, for the first time in her very long life, the beauty on the box has been granted a Pilates body, an aerobics instructor’s voice, and a 30-second television spot to launch her new career as a company spokescharacter.

Introduced last week, the 21st-century version of the raisin queen is a true digital dollface, tanned and toned and unmistakably going for the big-eyed Barbie, Shrek-girl, Disney-princess look. Think Sandra Bullock made of pixels, and you get the picture.”

You can see the final commercial here.

TV has always been obsessed with good looks, but never as much so as today.  Could a Walter Cronkite exist today?  While watching reruns of “Match Game” this weekend, Sophia and I wondered if a dorky guy like Gene Rayburn could ever host a game show nowadays?  Even on “reality” shows, everyone is unrealistically good-looking.   I’m not going to even get into the weight issues that television promotes.  Which Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, etc. — the show should be called “Desperately Anorexic Housewives.”

Call me a traditionalist, but I like the old raisin girl better.  But I guess I understand the company’s need to “sex her up.”  In fact, as a top blogger, I was able to get access to the secret plans for Raisin Girl 2007 [codename Angela the Stripper] , as the company raises the “edgy” level in order to increase the demographic of younger men age 18-25, who have been opting out of raisins for “hipper” snacks like Doritos.

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Seize the Spam!

March 27, 2006 / / 34 Comments

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One of life’s hard lessons is that sometimes, if you don’t act fast enough, you can can miss a big opportunity.   How many times have you said to yourself, "If only I had asked Susan to the prom?"  Or "Had I bought that house ten years ago, I’d be a millionaire by now?"

I’ve always found it hard to make decisions.  I’m a terrible procrastinator, the type of person who waits and waits and waits for inspiration.  But it’s a terrible approach to life.   I miss out on one opportunity after another.

For instance, a few days ago, I received an email for an interesting new internet service:

(ACTUAL EMAIL SPAM)

Find a sexoholic tonight! 

Offering a service that helps people get laid!  Plenty of sexoholics are in your area, wanting to have some fun!

No lame pickup lines… no flowers… no gifts… people here just care about sex 😉

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, around 70% of members already found a partner!

INTERNET ADDRESS

No, despite my having a cold, I’m all for having fun — especially when it doesn’t involve buying flowers.  And I’m always up for meeting some new sexoholics in my neighborhood.  Maybe we can even meet in my local IHOP.   But, I sometimes find it difficult to have "some fun" when I know that there are those who aren’t as fortunate.  Why is it that only 70% of their "members already found a partner?"  What about the other 30%?  Will I really enjoy being with some cute sexoholic if I am constantly thinking about the unlucky 30% back at the IHOP crying their eyes out into their "endless" pots of coffee.  I mean, they’re sexoholics, too.  Why shouldn’t they have a partner?

For days, I went back and forth, debating whether I should join or not.   Friends made fun of my "liberal guilt."   One friend, a Republican attorney, made a very compelling argument:

"Listen, there are always going to be winners and losers in this world.  There are people starving and you still enjoy going out for dinner, right?  Maybe the 30% of the sexoholic members have only themselves to blame.  Maybe they’re not approaching their sexoholism with enough gusto?"

That’s right.  If the roles were reversed, would those sexoholics care about me, sitting in IHOP with my pancakes and not getting laid?  NO WAY!  They’re a bunch of selfish sexoholics.   Maybe one of them might show me a video of the sex afterwards, but that’s like throwing crumbs to a dog.

Another friend, a psychologist, had another take on the situation:

"Are you sure that it is other people that are your real concern?  Maybe your real fear is that YOU would end up being in the 30% without a partner?"

That made a lot of sense to  me.  Imagine joining an internet sexoholics group and being in the 30% that never gets any sex?  How embarrassing!  That would make me feel awful.  My self-esteem would go for a nose dive.  It would bring back memories of high school dances where I would sit on the side with the other gawky guys and and make paper origami sculptures using our braces.   Sigh.

But then I looked at myself in the mirror and came to my own conclusion.

I’m not in high school anymore.  I’m an accomplished adult.  I’m a writer of C-list blog.  I somehow got a beautiful woman to marry me.  I don’t need to be afraid of being in the 30% anymore.  And if I am the 30%, damn it — I’ll knock the dirt off my pants, stand up, and face the world again, looking for a new adventure.  I have no fear.  I’m gonna seize the day!

I was just about to sign up for this service today when I received another email.

(ACTUAL EMAIL SPAM)

Find a sexoholic tonight! 

Offering a service that helps people get laid!  Countless sex-addicts are in your city, wanting to hook up!

No cheezy pickup lines, no flowers, no gifts, people here only want to get laid 😉

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, around 65% of members already found a partner!

INTERNET ADDRESS

65%?!  A few days ago it was 70%!  Does this mean it will be 55% by Friday?  No fucking way am I joining up with the chances of me getting lucky decreasing by the hour.  Why was I so stupid?  Why didn’t I sign up last week!  What was I waiting for?! 

Yes, another lost opportunity.

Teacher of the Year

March 27, 2006 / / 37 Comments

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Many of the bloggers on my blogroll are teachers.  I frequently read their blog posts where they are complaining about their low salary and their bratty students.  Well, I have a message for all you teachers:  ENOUGH of your complaining.  Did you ever think that the problem with the American education system is YOU — the SPOILED American teacher?

You might ask me, "Who the hell are you — Neilochka — to talk to me in this condescending manner?"

I will tell you.

I am not just some dumb blogger mouthing off.  No, I am someone who has "made a difference," according to this letter I received yesterday in the mail:

"Dear Mr. Kramer,

I am proud to congratulate you on being selected for inclusion in the 10th Edition of Who’s Who Among America’s Teachers, 2005/2006.  I believe you will find this honor exceptionally gratifying since it comes from a successful former student who recommended you because you made a difference in his or her life

There is no greater reward for teachers than to be valued by former students.  Only high school and college students who have been cited for academic excellence themselves in Who’s Who Among High School Students, Who’s Who Among American High School Students – Sports Edition, The National Dean’s List, and the Chancellor’s List are invited to nominate one teacher from their entire academic experience. "

Do you hear that?  I, writer of Citizen of the Month, was nominated by one of my prized pupils for this esteemed honor.  Where is your nomination… Brooke?  Nance?  Leesepea?   Janet?

I know what you’re thinking. 

"It’s all a scam, you idiot.  You’ve never taught a single class in your life."

Well, boo hoo.  Sure, I’ve never taught a class anywhere.  But think of all the educating I’ve done through my blog.

"It’s bullshit.  They just want you to buy the book with your stupid name included."

Of course I want to buy the book.  It’s an honor.  Something to show my grandchildren.   And I’m hoping some of you might want to buy the book as well.   You better be quick, because when these books are published, they sell like Chicken and Waffles at Roscoe’s on a Sunday morning. 

In fact, this is what Jeffrey Fix, Vice President of Student Programs, wrote in his letter:

"A limited quantity of these books are published each year — and they cannot be reprinted.  So, we urge you to act fast.  Order today, or you can reserve a copy now by including a payment with your Teacher Data Form.  We’ll bill you the balance in three equal installments."

That’s three equal installments.   Or "installments x 3," as I like to joke with a friend of mine who’s a math teacher. 

Teachers, it’s time to be awoken!  Our students cannot compete in the international marketplace without some serious reform.   Yeah, yeah, we can blame overcrowded classrooms, lack of money,  and Pizza Hut lunches as the culprits.  But the real problem is a lack of inspiration.

That’s where I come in.  I was included in the "Who’s Who Among America’s Teachers" because I "made a difference" in a student’s life.  Let me ask the other teachers out there:  Do you spend your time "making a difference" like me?   Or do you spend your time counting the days before summer vacation?

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