Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: May 2008 (Page 2 of 3)

We Built This City, Part 3

May 20, 2008 / / 52 Comments

And the winner for the best description of the meaning behind Starship’s “We Built This City” is — the beautiful Memarie Lane — with this gem:

I think I’ve got it. They’re alluding to the founding of our country, the philosophies of which (freedom of religion and speech and all that)were considered very radical (i.e. rock and roll) at the time. But since then we keep rolling farther and farther back,through soft rock and disco and Motown and so on until “we just lost the beat.”  So basically they’re saying we need to vote for Ron Paul.

As I mentioned two posts ago, she wins nothing.  No Wii Fit.  Nothing other than my gratitude and me wondering what she looks like naked.

As you have probably guessed by now, this post is really about nothing.  I’m writing it very quickly, in between my morning shower and breakfast.  Since it is a toss-off post, it gives me a chance to show you the “real” Neilochka, who can be a bit of an asshole.  Most of the time, I try to be “literary” in my posts, making sure there is a intellectual point.  I usually write my posts out in longhand first in a notebook.  Today, I am just spitting out crap right onto WordPress.  And it feels pretty good.  Perhaps it was my therapy session yesterday that helped open me up to new possibilites.  Why do I need to worry about you — the reader — so much?  I’m not “dependent” on you.   What is the worst thing that can happen if you think my blog sucks?  You’ll stop reading it.  Will I die?  I doubt it.  There are plenty of you who once read this blog and have moved elsewhere.  Maybe you’re trying to move into the elite mommyblogger’s circle and have no time for the men.  Perhaps you were insulted by my post where I portrayed Archie and Jughead into violent superheroes.  You might be a new reader who wrote a comment, and then I never responded to you… and was disgusted at me.  I apologize.  I feel the same way as you when I comment and the person doesn’t respond.

“What’s wrong with her?” I wonder.  “Am I not good enough?  What a snob she is!  Blogging is so elitist!”

Well, we do things differently here.  If I don’t respond to you right away, don’t take it personally.  I love you.  It’s not YOU.  I’m the one who’s f**ked up!  That’s right.  That’s exactly what I was thinking while sitting in therapy with Brenda yesterday.  I’m f**ked up!  How long have I been writing about MOVING — yet I never move?  Why do I have such a weird on-again/off-again relationship with this “separated” wife?  The only honest answer is that I’m… f**ked-up.  Ta-dah.  There I said it.  Now I can work on the solution.

Let me make the announcement here.  If Sophia and I split up “officially,” I don’t want any of you sleeping with me for at least six months.  No matter how hard I try to get into your pants at BlogHer, just say NO.  I am NOT ready for it.  Don’t get suckered into it when I say that your eyes are like God’s soul, and shit like that.

Besides, I’ve been with one woman for eleven years.  The first time with someone else WILL be bad.  And over very fast.   And I will be crying.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

OK, back to blog comments —

So, if you write a witty comment on the blog, and it looks like I’m blowing you off, now you know the reason.  I’m f**ked up.   Just keep commenting, because it makes me feel good — and that is a public health service.  Besides, a lot of cool people who come here.   You should read their blogs.

Granted, there are funnier and more popular blogs where you will make more connections — such as Bossy — but I compensate by being advertising free.   And I don’t make you put those dumb badges on your blogs.

Also, since I am a bit emotional unstable, you never know what I’m going to do next.  So, I’m not boring.

For example — only a real nutcase would write three posts in a row about Starship’s “We Built This City.”  Most bloggers would be all worried about losing their readers and people hating him.

But  — I DON’T CARE.  I’m crazy like that!  I’ve been laughing for the last ten minutes because I’m now going to put up ANOTHER version of the song — the third in a row!  Ha ha ha ha.  You see, I’m not THAT nice!  I have a bit of a mean streak!  But I find it soooo funny, like the inner child I am.

And that’s what blogging is really about, isn’t it?!

We Built Ankara with Rock and Roll!

May 18, 2008 / / 28 Comments

Sometimes the God of Rock and Roll works in mysterious ways.   Consider Sunday afternoon —

It was hot in Los Angeles, and I was sitting around in my underwear, looking at different music videos on YouTube.  By chance, I hit upon Starship’s “We Built This City on Rock and Roll.”  I’ve always liked this song as a guilty pleasure.  At the same time, it was sad to see that the former members of the great Jefferson Airplane falling so low.  This 80’s music video had a self-importance to it, but I couldn’t figure out what was the “message,” if any.   What City were they talking about?   Was this a cry against corporate radio?  Who were all these teenagers running from the huge rolling dice in Las Vegas?  What was the symbolism behind the Lincoln of the Lincoln Memorial coming alive and singing the chorus, “We Built This City on Rock and Roll.”  Was this song about Pierre-Charles L’Enfant, who created the plans for Washington D.C.?  Abraham Lincoln was one of our finest presidents, but I doubt he would ever be about “rock and roll.”  I decided to write a post about this video.  I ran a contest.

The winner of this contest is the one who writes the best description of what the artists are trying to communicate in this music video.

As I expected, I received humorous comments from my readers.  After all, many of you were the “class clowns”  and “misfits” during high school.  But the most intriguing comment came from someone who didn’t even watch the video.  It was from Natalie, who writes the blog Tell Me About It.  She lives in Turkey.  The Turkey Turkey.  Isn’t that interesting?  I’m not exactly sure how this New Orleans girl ended up in Turkey, but I bet you that after drinking that Turkish coffee, she ain’t ever coming back to Starbucks.

Here was her comment concerning the music video:

— and once again i miss out because youtube is still banned in turkey. dadgum. i so wanted that prize!

“YouTube is banned in Turkey?!”  I asked.

Fascinated, I Googled the subject to learn more.  Apparently, this is not the first time Turkey banned YouTube.

According to the Huffington Post:

A Turkish court has again blocked access to the popular video-sharing Web site YouTube because of clips allegedly insulting the country’s founding father, according to reports Sunday.

It was the second time Turkey banned the site because of clips deemed disrespectful to Mustafa Kemal Ataturk. It is illegal in Turkey to insult the revered figure, whose portrait still hangs in nearly all government offices nearly 70 years after his death.

Some of the most offensive videos came from Greece, where the Turkish founding father was called “gay.”  This was considered an insult to “Turkishness.”

Turkey is not alone in blocking YouTube. Last year, the Thai government banned the site for about four months because of clips seen as offensive to Thailand’s revered monarch, King Bhumibol Adulyadej.

And in May, Moroccans were unable to access YouTube after users posted videos critical of Morocco’s treatment of the people of Western Sahara, a territory that Morocco took control of in 1975. An official blamed a technical glitch, but could not explain its nature or why it affected only the YouTube site.

Suddenly, the music video made complete sense to me.  It wasn’t the “worst song ever recorded.”  It was a political anthem about freedom.   I even understood why Abraham Lincoln was singing along.  No country — Turkey — included should be allowed to prevent her citizens from rocking and rolling, even if it is to really crappy 80’s songs!  We as Americans must change the world and give everyone the chance to have big hair and giant dice… and make fun of their esteemed leaders.  And we shouldn’t be doing it through WAR and BOMBINGS!

We should be doing it through the POWER OF ROCK AND ROLL.

Free the bad 80’s videos on YouTube!

Natalie — here are some ways to work around your government’s censorship (via boingboing)

C’mon, Americans — it’s time to take our message of free speech to Ankara, to Bangkok, to Rabat —

We built this city, we built this city on rock and roll
Built this city, we built this city on rock and roll

C’mon, Mt. Zion High School Swingsations — let’s show the world what America is all about!

Neilochka vs. Archie

May 16, 2008 / / 22 Comments

I knew one day I would get in trouble for something I wrote online.  I just didn’t expect it to be with… Archie Comics.   Why do I find this ironic?  Can’t I find a real nemesis, like some evil politician, or some big shot mommyblogger?  But Archie and Jughead?!

Today I received an email from Archie, Reggie, Betty, etc. (hereinafter referred to collectively as the “Archie Characters”)  — or rather their law firm — with an attached letter.  It was pretty serious-looking stuff, written by someone who went to law school, and addressed to:

Mr. Neil Kramer
Citizen of the Month

It was about one of my recent blog posts.

Dear Mr. Kramer:

We represent Archie Comic Publications (“ACP”)…

It has recently come to our attention that…

…throughout its existence ACP has taken great pains to maintain the image of its comic magazines as healthy entertainment for children and young adults…

…the fake trailer portrays Archie Characters as murderous agents and includes sexually explicit and violent themes and language…

… tarnishing Archie Comic Publication’s venerable reputation for wholesome entertainment.

Before you start burning your children’s copies of “Archie and Friends” over censorship, the issue seems to be resolved.  ACP was pretty fair about the whole thing, despite their initial hard-ass approach and threatening legal action.  They will not take legal action if I clearly state on the blog that my post is intended to be a parody and that Citizen of the Month is not affiliated or associated with Archie Comic Publications, Inc.

Got that?

Thank you, ACP.   I never had any intention to mock you.  In that previous post, I was actually making fun of what Hollywood would DO to you if they made Archie into a blockbuster movie.  While I appreciate your peace offering, and accept it, I’m still not convinced it is a good policy to send the lawyers against a blogger.  What if I were a teenager?  I would be freaking out that I would be arrested!  A regular ol’ email would have been just as effective.  At least in the beginning.

 I respect Archie Comics for wanting to protect their trademark, and for caring about their young readers.  I spent hours of my youth reading Archie comic books.   I never much cared for those bombastic DC and Marvel comics.  Boy, did I love those Archie comics!

This probably is not the right time to tell a few stories of what I used to do at night, under the covers in my bedroom, while reading Archie comics with my trusty flashlight on, and dreaming about Veronica and her “oh so rich pampered girl ways.”  Believe me, it was healthy entertainment.

This post is intended to be a parody.  Citizen of the Month is not affiliated or associated with Archie Comic Publications, Inc.

What I Learned in Therapy Today

May 15, 2008 / / 59 Comments

I’m emotionally dependent on my mother.

I’m emotionally dependent on Sophia.

I’m emotionally dependent on my friends.

I’m emotionally dependent on women.

I’m emotionally dependent on my therapist.

I’m emotionally dependent on sex.

I’m emotionally dependent on writing.

I’m emotionally dependent on readers of my blog.

On the positive side, I don’t have a drinking or drug problem.

California, Here I Come!

May 15, 2008 / / 12 Comments


(This is an amazing video! Can you believe that the first time ABBA sang on television it was to belt out “California Here I Come!” on some lame Swedish TV show!)

Finally, men, our chance is here!   Like the women in Aristophenes’ Lysistrata, it is time to band together as a gender and make changes to society.   Today, the California Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples DO have a constitutional right to marry.  We now have the unique opportunity to put an end to the tyranny of women, with their living room “design” ideas, their need to watch “The Bachelor,” their pricey shoes and most importantly, their selfish refusal to give oral sex to us while we drive down the Santa Monica Freeway.

The answer is clear.  We must marry each other.  Man to Man.  Legally.  May I suggest that you board a flight to Los Angeles or San Francisco immediately?  We will be waiting for you. 

Don’t worry about those pesky rumors of high housing prices in California.  There are TONS of foreclosures on the market.  Because of the Iraq War, the economy is sinking fast.  And since men usually make more money than women, it is economically SMART for two men to marry each other.  Why settle for a mate who only makes 77 percent of what a man earns?   Think about it.  Until now, men have been a bunch of suckers, working our asses off at shitty jobs, holding up the fort for a bunch of female slackers who fool us by smelling nice, like modern day Mata Haris.

Think how simple life can be – man and man.  No more fighting over doing the dishes.  We just won’t do the dishes!  We’ll eat at Taco Bell every night.   All this eating out will also have a positive influence on the economy! 

The only hurdle, and it is a slight one — is that most men find each other rather repulsive when the clothes come off.   As someone who married into a Russian family, I offer a unique solution for this issue — vodka, especially the really cheap brand that tastes like unleaded gasoline.  Of course, since we will also be in two-male-income family units, most of us will also have enough expendable income to bring in the hookers.

Thank you, California!

Note:  It has come to my attention that this ruling mostly applies to same-sex GAY couples, and was not intended as an easy way for straight men to avoid dealing with the craziness of neurotic straight women.  My apologies.

Imaginary Paris on $5000 a Day

May 14, 2008 / / 37 Comments

I love imaginary Paris. I love the cafes, the art, the fashion, but mostly I thrive here because this is the famed city of French existentialism and moral relativism. I am comfortable here using the $5000 that I found in that imaginary wallet yesterday. Sure, I COULD have returned the wallet to the owner, but what’s going to happen to me now that I didn’t? Will God strike me down? Of course not. Not in a city where God is dead.

Imaginary Paris is at its finest in the spring. The flowers are blooming and the scent of perfume is the air. And the women? Oh, the women. I was in an imaginary tiny bakery in the 18th arrondissement just below Montmartre when I met Juliette. She had just finishing doing a fashion shoot for Paris Vogue across the street and was now enjoying a quick espresso. I immediately knew my reason for coming to Paris. I had to know this woman.

“Bonjour.” I said flirtatiously, deciding to open the conversation with a sure-shot French ice-breaker. “Excuse-moi, j’ai perdu mon numero de telephone. Est-ce que je peux emprunter le tien?” (Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Could I borrow yours?)

She smiled, wooed by my charm and wit. We chatted, at times in English, at times in French. We had some Parisian friends in common, including Elisabeth of La Coquette, Lauren of Maitress, and Tara of Paris Parfait. I made some jokes at the expensive of American culture and she laughed, her eyes twinkling. I offered her one of my Gitanes Brunes, and we enjoyed a smoke together. There was something very sexy about the way she smoked a cigarette. Like only a French woman could do.

I love imaginary Paris. Of course, there were some changes since the last time I was here. American chain stores had moved in. There was Starbucks. And Kentucky Fried Chicken. I even found a CVS Pharmacy right in Paris! I’m not a superstitious man, but I was half-expecting something bad to happen to me for using that $5000 dollars on my trip. But not in Paris. Nothing could destroy the magic of the City of Lights. In Paris, I was able to sit across from a beautiful model wearing a strapless Dior dress while dining at Le Grand Véfour, a restaurant nestled under the arches of the Palais Royal, overlooking a beautiful little park, at a romantic table once occupied by Colette and Victor Hugo and Jean Cocteau.

After dinner, I brought Juliette to my hotel room. She stood in front of me as I sat in bed. She danced for me a bit, swaying to a Carla Bruni song, then let her dress gently fall off her body. I felt a tinge of anxiety. Always neurotic and pessimistic, I figured this was the moment of bad karma. Here I would be with the most beautiful woman I’d ever met and because of my guilt over the $5000, I wouldn’t be able to get it up. But clearly this doomsday scenario didn’t occur. She looked at me and smiled. She slid next to me, purring.

“Avez-vous un préservatif?” (Do you have a condom?) she asked.

“Oui, I do.” I answered.

Luckily, before dinner, I slipped into that Parisian CVS Pharmacy and bought les condoms!

Within moments, Juliette and I were making passionate love. All I could hear was her heavy breathing and the pounding of the bed against the wall.

Or at least I thought it was the pounding of the bed against the wall.

In reality, it was the Paris police breaking down the door to my hotel room and an Interpol SWAT team smashing through the window. Apparently, when I bought the condoms at CVS Pharmacy, I used the CVS ExtraCare frequent shopper card from my wallet – but it wasn’t my card! It was the CVS card of Mr. Craig Tellerson of Studio City, CA, who had lost his wallet and $5000 cash while riding his bicycle in Redondo Beach.

“Fraud is a federal offense in France,” said the Parisian police officer.

Today, I am blogging from Devil’s Island in French Guiana, the first day of my 300 year prison sentence. On arrival, we greeted by the warden who said, “Welcome to the penal colony at Devil’s Island, whose prisoners you are, and from which there is no escape.”

While I enjoyed my date with the French model, this certainly was one expensive bill to pay. Take it from me, if you find a lost wallet, return it to the rightful owner. God is alive… and vengeful. C’est la vie!

Two years ago on Citizen of the Month: Clock and Crow

The Morality of the Lost Wallet

May 13, 2008 / / 50 Comments

Let’s imagine I’m walking down the block and I find a wallet on the ground.  I open it up.  Inside, I see a driver’s license with an address.  The wallet also contains $5000 dollars. 

What am I going to do? 

I’m going to contact this person and return the wallet, with the money still inside.  I’m not even going to think about keeping the money for myself. 

I know this is the right thing to do.  But why?  Cause my mother taught me to do this?  What does she know?!  She used to serve me margarine with all that trans-fat rather than butter?

This is an example of the type of sh*t you think about when you go to therapy too much and you start becoming f*cked up.  

Here’s are my current thoughts on this important “wallet” matter.  If I was religious, I wouldn’t keep the money because I would be afraid of sinning.  God would see me taking the money, shaking his head in disappointment.  I might even get karma kicking me in the ass.

But I don’t believe in any of that.  If I took the money, NO ONE would know, NOTHING BAD WOULD HAPPEN TO ME, and I would have 5000 bucks to live it up in Paris for four days, drinking champagne with lanky French fashion models.

Of course, the reason I don’t take the money is that if I did, I would feel like a SCHMUCK. This feeling is not based on any scientific fact.  It is based on some religious system of morality, of right and wrong.  And a morality without any real consequences. 

You only live once.  You need to grab what you can in life.  So, who’s the bigger schmuck?  The guy who gives the money back and gets nothing in return?  Or the guy who keeps the money, goes to Paris, has a naked French model dance for him in his hotel room, writes a terrific blog post about his experience, and then wins a Pulitzer Prize for his novel “Paris on 5000 Dollars.”

Two years ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka Sez:  Boycott the Fashion Industry

Hug

May 12, 2008 / / 26 Comments

I’ve been sleeping in the living room for the last few weeks.  On Saturday, I woke up a 3AM and I couldn’t handle it anymore.  I’m a man, with manly needs.  I climbed the stairs to the bedroom.  I was naked.  I pushed open the door, my body tense with want.  I slid into the bed.   Sophia woke up.

“What are you doing here?”  she asked.

I didn’t care if she protested.  I was getting what I came for, even if I had to take it with force.

“No one’s hugged me in a month.” I said.  “Do you know how unhealthy it is for a man not to get hugged?  I read that male babies — if they don’t get hugged after they are born — just die.”

“You were supposed to have moved out already.”

“I am moving out.  But do you really want me to die?”

“You’re not a baby who needs to be hugged.  Well… maybe you are.”

“If you don’t want to hug, I can just go back downstairs.  I know plenty of hot women who will give me a hug on Facebook.”

“OK, shut up and I’ll hug you.”

We hugged.

“But will you set up Dance Dance Revolution on the wii tomorrow?” she asked.

“Deal.”

(in retrospect, the hugging may have not been a good idea, considering the argument the next day, after neither of us could figure out how to use Dance Dance Revolution)

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