Â
Andrew started to unbuttton Jane’s top. Â
“I want you,” she said.
“And I want to…”
[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]
Jane took another puff of her cigarette, the sweat still on her body. She caressed Andrew’s strong and manly chest.
“That was amazing,” she said.  “It’s like we are soulmates. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I think I’m in love with you.”
“Why would I mind. I’m in love with you!”
Jane laughs and kisses him.
“You make me so happy.  You know, I’ve never been in love before.  Have you?”
“Well, many years ago, there was this high school teacher in Ohio named Nance, but she became obsessed with how Jesus is portrayed in movies, so it didn’t work out.”
“That must have been hard on you… your first love.”
“It was. But I quickly rebounded with this woman from Minneapolis. I used to call Not Faint Hearted because she was kinky as hell!”
“What happened with her?”
“It’s pretty sad actually. We had a big fight when we went shopping for a toilet.”
“I didn’t know all this about you…”
“I didn’t think it was important…”
“I think it is good that you’ve been in love before. It shows that you’re a loving person.”
“I like being in love. And I like being with you…”
Andrew kisses Jane’s stomach, then starts moving his downward, finally kissing…
[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]
Jane rolls off of Andrew and lights another cigarette..
“So, there were other women, too?” she asks.
“Yes.  I remember how much I loved Postmodern Sass, but she had this problem deciding if someone was a boy or a girl!  It was very odd… and it made me uneasy to be around her.”
“Sounds odd.”
“I also was in love with this exotic poet named Madeleine, but she went bonkers whenever her computer hard drive crashed.  And then there was Fitena, but she loved reading more than partying. Oh yeah, there was also Marisa. She was a real hottie, but when she found water leaking in her closet, she blamed me! Women!”
“Is that when you started doing online dating and met me?”
“Oh, no. Not yet.  After Marisa, I fell in love with Maliavale. She had the cutest mole on her butt. But when the mole was removed, things just weren’t the same. I tried starting a relationship with this woman I used to call “Better Safe than Sorry,” but her constant stressing and inability to follow directions bugged me. I was head over heels over Finn, but she was never home. She was always out grocery shopping at 8PM.”
“My god! How many women have you been in love with?”
“Well, certainly no one as sexy as you…”
“Oh, really?”
“Absolutely. And you know what I’m in the mood for?”
“What?”
“I’d like you to…”
[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]
“… you mean there were more?!”” she asked.
“There was Stephanie. She was really cute, but I was kind of embarrassed to be hanging around a woman who didn’t know how many sides were in a trapezoid.  Ellen was fun, but spent way too much time re-organizing her clothes in her closet.  Ascender was wild in the bedroom, but she was a little too New Agey for my taste… always gazing at the sky.”
“My god. I don’t know you at all.”
“That’s exactly what Fringes said when I moved in with her. But I really resented having to pay extra rent for her dog, so I left. I enjoyed living with Elizabeth, because she was very mellow and appreciated the quiet sounds of an ordinary day. Too bad she caught me in bed with Tamarika. Now that was one freaky chick! She used to dream about pale green razors.
“It’s like one woman after another.”
“Not always. There was the time I tried a threesome with “Life with Mother” and Roadchick, but that was a major headache. I never understood why “Life with Mother” had to get her TV Guide every week.   And if I had to hear Roadchick’s “frozen pees” story one more time…
“Where did you meet all these women?”
“Oh, it wasn’t just women. There were men, too.”
“Men?”
“It was a time of experimentation. There was Karl, this exotic dancer from Florida, but he had a bit of a nasty streak — always wishing a boulder would fall on the car in front of him. I was definitely in love with him. And there was Lefty. What a hunk! If only, his office desk wasn’t such a mess.”
“Do you just fall in love with any person you meet?”
“Of course not. And it doesn’t just have to be a person, either.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was so distraught over Karl and Lefty, that I then decided to leave the big city and move to a animal farm in Kansas. While I was there I started a relationship with a….
[the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.”]
“… that’s sick!” she cried.
“You want to have sex again?” Andrew asked.
“Sure,” Jane answered, and climbed on top of him.
The end. Â
Happy Mundane Day!
Bravo! really, that was funny. I’m just mad I didn’t get a submission in to you. Hmmmm submission… naughty!
sorry that was just me pretending to be “jane”
I’ve decided that my favorite post of yours are ones that include dialog. Something I find completely annoying in most other blogs but you know how to work it.
Gee, I love Elizabeth’s “Sounds of an ordinary day.” Too bad she found us in bed, Neil. She sounds really cool. I love how she writes, “This is my life,” so many times. Next time, let’s just all cuddle up together and be done with it!
You really should be writing for harlequin!
It must be the kind of day I’m having, but every time I read: [the following paragraph has been deleted by the editors of “The Carnival of the Mundane.â€] I laughed like an idiot.
I think I need more sleep.
Great weaving here and I think I finally understand what a “carnival” is. Who invents these things? I am fascinated by the mundane, especially when it’s the mundane ravings of a stranger.
wow, they did it three times in one session… he must be under 35
Most excellent! You, Neil, are the bomb.
And if you had only told me about the grocery shopping, I would have stopped… 🙁
in the next post i’d like to see all the deleted scenes, please. 🙂
Well, as usual, you surpass all expectations. You’ve definitely raised the bar.
The way you weave the stories of all your lady loves together with such skill and attention to detail made me want to { comment deleteted by the editors}
Wow, I’m Always impresssed by how you weave this sort of thing together but this…
…so, you think that’s kinky, huh? 😉
Wonderfully done. Thanks for inviting me to participate!
Nice try changing your name to Andrew, I’m on to you!
WOW! Only you could turn the XXX’th edition into XXX reading. Masterfully done! and really interesting reading, too!
Man, I wish my computer was working so I could join in all the reindeer games.
Makes me sad I gave up cigarettes!
How funny….could you please send me under brown wrapper the uncut version of this. I was so enthralled that my batteries died. If you can’t send the uncut version can you please send 2 “C” batteries.
This? Was awesome. (Hi, by the way.)
that jane woman sounds like quite a tramp, but i think i’d like to meet this andrew fellow.
Brilliant! Just brilliant!
Were any bodices harmed in the writing of this story? I could sense some ripping and tearing…
I’m hoping it was a bodice.
This sounds more like something NP would write.
Very clever!
I was having far too mundane a day to participate this time round, but this is fab stuff Neil! Very funny indeed and feeding our voyeuristic appetite for other people’s trivia.
What a performance! And happy birthday to you, Neil.
(crawling around on editing room floor among blogscraps)