Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: November 2006 (Page 3 of 4)

Are Bloggers Too “Snarky?”

November 14, 2006 / / 25 Comments

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Text from this month’s Psychology today (page 44).  Pictures are my own: 

“Don’t stop parroting Daily Show host Jon Stewart just yet, but a cynical outlook really can take years off of your life.  Thanks to their nihilistic bent, cynics tend to engage in more self-destructive behaviors than their sunnier peers.  Research has shown that they smoke and drink more, and are more likely to commit suicide.”

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“Cynics also suffer and die from heart problems in disproportinate numbers.” 

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“Cardiologist Donald Haas at New York’s Mount Sinai Medical School found that suspicious people who suffer from heart disease are more than twice as likely as their more optimistic couterparts to end up gravely ill or hospitalized for their condition.  Haas speculates that cynics may be less likely to follow doctors’ orders – either out of spite or despondency.”

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Dear Chinese People

Even Cowgirls Have to Pee

November 13, 2006 / / 44 Comments


Vince Gill’s “What the Cowgirls Do”

Tonight, Sophia and I attended a concert of country star Vince Gill, which was a little odd, considering neither of us know any of his songs. Bu it was still fun seeing all the fake LA cowboys coming out of their BMWs, many of them wearing cowboy boots they just bought in Beverly Hills.

During intermission, I was standing at the urinal between two accountants wearing large cowboy hats. And NO — despite what some women think — men do not “check each other out” while peeing. I can’t believe Sophia even asked me that question. In fact, while standing at the urinal, I was too busy coming up with a country song to write on my blog, but I gave up after trying to rhyme “urinal” with “Vince Gill.”

As I left the bathroom, I saw Sophia waiting on line for the Ladies Room. While I was pretty much in and out of the Men’s Room, thirty women were waiting to get into their bathroom. This is such a common event — women waiting for the bathroom — that most of us take it for granted. But why? When are women finally going to get their act together and ask for more bathrooms in theaters and concert halls? Why are women so patient? There is no way men would wait so long to pee. Most of us would just do it against the wall.

Now, I know some blame the patriarchal society for the lack of adequate restrooms for women. I say, BS. Those days are over. I live in California, a state that is not afraid to give women political power. Both of our senators, Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein, are women. The new speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi of California, is a woman. Write to them and tell them that you are tired of waiting to pee! More bathrooms for women! It should be a law!

Or as Vince Gill might sing:

My Cheatin’ Heart
Just Felt Amiss
Seeing all the pretty cowgirls
Waiting and waiting to piss.

(by the way, Sophia liked the Pet Shop Boys much better)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: This is Not a Blog Anymore

The Final Chapter of the “Closet Trilogy”

November 12, 2006 / / 31 Comments

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Narrator:  Tonight on the HGTV, it’s “Design on a Dime!”  Let’s meet today’s couple, Neil Kramer and Sophia Lansky.   Their problem:  limited closet space.

Sophia:  There just isn’t enough room to fit all our clothes.

Neil:  And all your shoes.  Who needs so many shoes?

Sophia shoots him a look.

Narrator:  In order to get more closet space, some friends suggested that Neil and Sophia use professionals.  For instance, blogger Two Roads made this comment:

Call a California Closet designer and let them do it. It was the best thing I did and I doubled the amount of space in my closet without lifting a hammer. It is worth every penny and since they know what they are doing there is no headache worrying about measurements and parts and such.

Of course, Neil is too cheap to go the route of asking a professional.  That’s why he is on “Design on a Dime!”

Neil:  Did you see how expensive California Closets are?!  For the same price, we could just rent another apartment for our clothes!

Narrator:  Being a cheapstake, Neil went to Home Depot and bought a “closet kit,” but when he returned home, he realized that he was totally clueless on what to do next — and didn’t have any tools.

Blogger Rhea thinks this lack of building skill is part of the Jewish tradition, like keeping kosher and kvetching. 

Here in Boston a lot of the carpenters are Irish or Italian. My Jewish friend thought it would be nice to employ a Jewish carpenter. So this guy named, I don’t know, Marvin Rosenberg or something, comes in to install the new kitchen counter. Can you imagine a carpenter with that name? Do I have to tell you he was lousy at it. Yup, Jewish men are accountants, professors and writers. Forget power tools.

Neil:  I have no idea where this stereotype comes from, since I know quite a few handy Jewish men.  Even Jesus was a carpenter. 

Sophia:  Jesus could also walk on water.  You can hardly swim.

Neil shoots Sophia a look.

Narrator:  Desperate to put up the shelves for cheap, Neil turned to Sophia’s friend, Leo.   Several hours later, after installing the shelves, Leo became a hit with women around the world.   Blogger Tatyana said:

Nothing’s sexier than a man named Leo with a hammer in his hands…does he have a phone?

Today, Sophia and Neil started putting their clothes back into the closet. 

Neil:  I was very proud of what I had accomplished.

Sophia:  Even though you really didn’t do anything other than serve us apple juice.

Narrator:  And then, as Sophia was hanging a cute little floral print skirt, the entire top shelf gave way.  Half her clothes fell on her head.

Sophia:  So, there we were holding up up the remainder of the shelf to make sure the entire wall didn’t collapse on her head, when Neil runs off.  And where was he going?  To get help?  No…

Neil:  I went to get my camera so I could take a photo for the blog!  (I never made it to the camera, though.  Sophia selfishly demanded my help)

Narrator:  Luckily, Sophia was able to fix the problem.  Leo had installed it wrong.  Sophia had to take the shelf down and reinstall the brackets correctly.

Neil:  And I brought Sophia some apple juice.

Narrator:  And now Sophia is very happy with her new closet.   And Neil… well, he is another cheap guy getting away with murder on “Design on a Dime.” 

How the Advice of Bloggers Saved My Ass

November 11, 2006 / / 35 Comments

Thank you for your advice on not doing it myself. Once I actually looked inside the closet, I realized that I had absolutely NO IDEA how to remove and reposition the old installation, not to mention putting up these new shelves and rods, even though the guy at Home Depot said it was “relatively easy.” Is it so wrong that I’m a lover, not a builder?

Luckily, Sophia’s friend Leo knows how to do most handy things… and, lucky for me – he was home bored. Sophia helped as his assistant as he did all the hard work… we bought him some sushi for dinner… my role was pretty much reduced to serving apple juice… and 7 hours later — ta-dah! — MORE CLOSET SPACE!

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Update: A cool NY Times article about “closet-starved” folk in New York City. (thanks Pam)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka Girls

Making a Plan at Hot n’ Tot

November 10, 2006 / / 29 Comments

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After much thought, I realize that my frustrations lately haven’t really been about writing every day for NaBloPoMo, but about — surprise, surprise — moving back with Sophia.   Since she’s come back from New York, it has been very nice being together, but NOT exactly the way I fantasized.   I visualized us running down to the beach every morning hand-in-hand and with as little clothes as possible,  then skinny-dipping in the Pacific Ocean while eating homemade breakfast burritos in the surf.  Sadly, we’re still having the same exact issues we had the LAST time we lived together.

One of our arguments is always about “our stuff” and our limited closet space.   It is an especially loaded subject now because it is still not clear whether I am here for good, or just for the the short term.  Who knows — maybe me moving back before we resolved things was a bad idea.  We’ll see.

But we have matured… a bit.   Here’s my evidence:  Over lunch today at the Hot’ n Tot restaurant, we decided to be proactive and make a plan.  Rather than fighting, why not BUILD extra shelves in the closet?

Can we actually build new shelves?  Will we survive?  Will I be able to walk into Home Depot without getting hives?  Will someone get injured by a falling hammer?  Stay tuned!

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I’m Taking My Last Post Down

November 10, 2006 / / 23 Comments

I just got up and read my last post from last night.  I really hate it.  It isn’t funny and it is vulgar, ripe with anxiety, insecurity, and sexual frustration.   

You know what, I’ve changed my mind. I’m keeping it up as a perfect example of an “improv” type post that just gets thrown online.

Scary, isn’t it?

Thanks, Fussy, for your NaBloPoMo. You’re turned me into a raving lunatic.

P.S. — Megan makes an interesting point in the comments.  Why is my penis always berating me?  We should be the best of friends, considering how much pleasure we’ve given each other, with others and even when it is just the two of us having a special night together.  Maybe I just don’t feel comfortable with his aggressiveness and his selfishness — it doesn’t feel like “me,” who is very polite.

Why am I revealing this to strangers?

Oh, and I had a little tiff with Sophia last night, so I’m a little grouchy.  (uh, not about that — it was about closet space — it’s a long story)

A Dull, Throwaway Post for NaBloPoMo

November 10, 2006 / / 22 Comments

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Yesterday, I complained about NaBloPoMo and how difficult it is to post every single day AND comment elsewhere.   Of all the responses I received, I found this one from Mo to be the most interesting:

I think the fun of NaPoBloMo is the crappy posts. I love seeing inside my favorite bloggers a bit more- and what better than the stuff they come up with in order to write every day?…  it’s fun to break down the definition of your “perfect post”, and post things you would ordinarily dismiss. I think it helps expand us as bloggers/writers.

Hmmm… she might be right.   I don’t know why I’m so anal about my posts.   I’m not a perfectionist in anything else I do.  What’s so wrong with putting up crappy posts?  Am I so starved for attention that I fear abandonment if I started writing dull throwaway posts?  You wouldn’t abandon me, would you?  You’re my buddies now!  Right?

I have a friend who is really into improv acting classes.   Once, he invited Sophia and I to attend his group’s “showcase” night.   They were doing a “strict” form of improv that night which required the actors to be totally honest.  They were supposed to be “real” rather than be funny or do anything to pander to the audience.  

My friend loved this type of improvisation, but it was TORTURE being in the audience watching it.  The scenes went on forever.  The actors acted as if they were in real life.  Unfortunately, in real life, most people just go “uhhh” and stand around a lot.

But there is a lesson here.  Maybe if I ignore the audience, I will grow as a writer.   NaPoBloMo will be easier since I can be more “stream of consciousness.”   I wouldn’t worry about being “entertaining” and I can just ramble on about nothing even more than I already do.  And you will still like me, even as a boring nudnik, because you are kind, caring —

Neil’s Penis jumps in, interrupting.

Neil’s Penis:  And you crazy?  No one wants to read your boring shit.  Maybe on Tuesday, but not right before the weekend.

Neil:  What’s the difference?

Neil’s Penis:  Are you a dimwit, Neilochka?.  Don’t you get it?  If a woman is reading your stupid blog on a weekend, there’s only one reason why.   Her boyfriend is out of town and there’s no one around to f**k her! 

Neil:  Penis, that is really crude to say.

Neil’s Penis:  I’m a f***ing c**k.  How do you want me to speak?  

Neil:  Women don’t like to hear these words.

Neil’s Penis:  Sure they do.  Women WANT to be entertained, not bored with your wimpy polite REAL personality. 

Neil:  My REAL personality?

Neil’s Penis:  That’s right.  I make you interesting, not YOU.  So, dance, you motherf***ing blogger, dance!  That’s your job…

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  A Few Good Men

 

NaComPoMo

November 9, 2006 / / 56 Comments

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First of all, thank you for voting me in as President at Heather Anne’s Hoagies.   The best thing about the election was that I learned about some really cool new blogs, including Heather Anne’s.

Currently, I have two items on my presidential agenda:

1)  Pushing for the legalization of gay marriage.

2)  But — after attending the Pet Shop Boys concert last night, I have also decided to ask for a ban on gay men wearing tight tank tops in public concert halls.

For last nine days, I have been participating in NaBloPoMo (National Post Blogging Month), conceived by the popular blogger, Fussy.  The idea of NaBloPoMo is that a blogger should post every day for the month of November.  While the idea is brilliant and I will continue doing it, I’m beginning to think it is the worst blogging concept ever created.

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I had an email exchange with Stacy at Jurgen Nation yesterday about how our readership has done a nosedive because so many bloggers are struggling with writing every day.   I have hardly read or commented on anyone’s blog because I feel overextended with writing every day.  This is embarrassing to admit, but I actually started crying yesterday as I was making my way down my blogroll, my body going into sensory overload from caring about the lives and dreams of so many people, and feeling as if I were “falling behind.”

Has anyone ever had a nervous breakdown from blogging?

On Saturday, I attended a writing group at the home at the inspiring Leah Peah.  There were a number of bloggers there, including one of my favorites, Deezee of Confessional Highway, who I carpooled with to Leah’s home.  I found it interesting to hear about the different motivations for starting a blog.  Some approached blogging as a purely promotional tool for themselves or their business.  Others use blogging to nurture their writing or creativity.   I blog for both those reasons, but if I were really honest, my main motivation is that I like to talk with hot babes living in faraway places like Belgium, considering I would probably never have to nerve to talk to these accomplished women in real life.   So, sue me for telling the truth!  I love the social part of blogging.  If I really wanted to “focus on my writing,” I’d write a book, rather than exploiting my relationship with Sophia for your enjoyment (and for free!). 

Last February, Fashion Week Daily interviewed six of the blogging success stories while all dressed in sexy pajamas (so don’t blame me for sexing up the blogging world).  One of the questions was,  “How often do you blog?”

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Jessica Cutler (www.jessicacutleronline.com): Whenever I feel like it, but never more than an hour per day.

Heather Hunter (www.thisfish.ivillage.com/love): Five hours a week.

Mimi Foe (www.miminewyork.blogspot.com): Usually about five or ten hours total [each week].

Melissa Lafsky (www.opinionistas.com):  About 20 or 30 minutes a day, if you count answering comments and e-mails.

Tweny mintutes a day!  It takes me that long just to wait for WordPress to publish a post and ping it to Technorati!

It’s clear to me that these women have moved beyond the blogging community, because there is no way to be part of it and blog 20 minutes a day (including writing posts!)  I see nothing wrong with this if you make this decision.  I might one day decide to just focus on writing rather than caring whether Charming but Single gets a date for Saturday night.

NaBloPoMo is great for your writing, but terrible for blogging.  If everyone really wrote EVERY SINGLE DAY, including weekends, no one would read anyone else.  We would be a bunch of highly creative writers writing for ourselves and our mothers.   I was much happier writing FOUR times a week.

Can I suggest a NaComPoMo for the month of December, where every blogger promises to COMMENT on at least one new blog a day to keep the interaction of the blogosphere going strong.   Hey, commenting is writing, too.

I truly believe that most of the best writing on my blog is done in the comment section.  I had this little exchange with Sophia while driving to the Pet Shop Boys last night:

Sophia:  Have you thought about putting advertisements on your blog? 

Neil:  I have.

Sophia:  So, do it already.  No one cares if you make a few dollars.

Neil:  You’re right.  But it seems a bit unfair.   Part of the fun of each post are the comments.  It’s like part of the post.  Make believe I make sixty dollars a month on the blog.  Shouldn’t I give each commenter 2% of the profits for their contribution?

The idea didn’t go over very well.

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month:  Truth in Advertising
 

She’s With Stupid

November 8, 2006 / / 38 Comments

My Republican-voting separated wife is a little down today after all the Democratic wins yesterday during Election Day. To cheer her up, I’m bringing her to see the British duo, Pet Shop Boys tonight at the Wiltern Theater. This should be special for her, since Sophia is a classy dame who likes jazz and classical music, so I think this might be her first “pop” concert. And as an added treat — I think they are also going to be performing on her beloved “Dancing With the Stars” later tonight.

One little problem. Artists frequently sing a lot of the songs from their latest CD. I just looked up the Pet Shop Boys latest on Amazon. It is titled “Fundamental” and it is supposedly their most “political” work. They have one single that was a hit in Europe titled “I’m with Stupid,” which is an attack on Bush and Tony Blair, and even posits them as gay lovers. I even found a video of them doing the song where extras walk around in mocking “George Bush” masks.

If I’m divorced by tomorrow, you will know the reason why.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Stolen Photos, Stolen Lives

You Better Vote Twice Today

November 7, 2006 / / 29 Comments

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In honor of Election Day, Heather Anne Hogan has created her own mini-election, revolving around bloggers and blogging.   After the nominating process, it seems as I have been nominated for President, along with the introspective Peefer (of Peefer’s Home) and long-time rival Brandon (of One Child Left Behind).

I am truly honored.

You can vote here.  Remember to check out all the other cool blogs listed there.

And vote in the REAL ELECTION!  It’s an important election day.

Now, as a candidate, I am going to be different than most politicians, and speak the truth. 

 I “know” both of these other gentleman bloggers and they are worthy nominees.   Peefer is a loving, creative family man, and I’m sure he would never have gotten us into the mess in Iraq.   Brandon is also strong on family values.  He would make the most inspirational speeches since FDR.   His words are like poetry.   I believe he would be an excellent  “Education” President.  He also has the movie-star good looks to attract female voters.

I am financially unstable and separated from my wife, although I still live with her in some “weird” California-hippy-new age arrangement.   I spend much of my day conversing with my penis.   I don’t know much about politics.   If i were to move into the White House, I would be SO CAUGHT as I’m f***ing a buxom intern in the “Red Room,” disgracing the office and the Presidency. 

On a positive note, I would try my hardest to give her an orgasm.  I am not a selfish man.  Oh, and I will give tax breaks to everyone.

The choice is yours.  Just remember to vote, both in the Hoagies and in the REAL ELECTION.

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