trends Archives - Citizen of the Month

The Cool Hunter, a popular trendspotting site on the net, is looking for writers.

Do you have a cool radar? Can you sniff out a trend well before it hits? Are you plugged into the arts, technology, fashion, music, design, travel, literary or film scene in your city? Can you write short and snappy copy? If you answered yes to all of the above then email and tell us more about yourself. We’re on the hunt for additions to our global network of cool hunters to file for thecoolhunter.net – one of the most popular trend spotting sites in the world.

Our extensive global coverage ensures that the Cool Hunter never misses a beat when it comes to emerging and future trendspotting. The essence of the Cool Hunter is the ethos of ‘global information channelling’ that is not regionally specific, but rather based on worldwide relevance. In a society obsessed with the shiny and new, The Cool Hunter has become the reference point of choice for the latest in what’s hot tomorrow.

Cool radar? Yes. Sniff out a trend? I have a great sense of smell. Plugged in? You know it, baby.

I’m totally bored with this "Citizen of the Month" blog. Time to move on and finds some readers who aren’t as wimpy as I am — I was waiting all day yesterday for someone to say I should have punched that Beverly Hills woman in the nose. Trendspotting, here I come!

This sounds like the ideal gig for me — knowing what’s cool and hot (I guess I shouldn’t tell anyone that I didn’t own a cell phone until three months ago… but once I got one, I got the coolest one… at least when I bought it. Now they don’t even make the model anymore. But I’m not going to mention that at the interview).

Here’s my writing sample for "The Cool Hunter" gig:

Hey, hipsters and cool cats, it’s me — Neilochka the Cool — with the latest buzz on everything shiny and new, hot and happening. If it’s a trend that’s on fire, you know that Neilochka the Cool will be there first, reporting back to you from his futuristic bachelor pad somewhere in the City of Angels, or as me and my buds like to call it– Cool Central.

FOUR OF THE LATEST TRENDS FOR YOU

1) Piggy-Back Riding

Forget the Vespa. Toss away the Segway. Hybrid who? The hottest form of transportation is an old favorite with a sizzling new twist — it is giving your pretty woman a piggy-back ride across town. From Soho to Venice, CA — to all hipstervilles across the country — dudes are putting their ladies on their back and taking them to work, to school, even the mall. Think of all the gas mileage that’s saved as you take the little lady to the beauty salon on your back. Not only is it sexy and trendy, it’s pro-environment.

2) Bare-Chested Argentine Soccer Goalie Look

Argentina’s economy may be in shambles, but nothing sets the world stage on fire more than their sexy soccer players. Dressing the part is easy. Just buy the official sweatpants, dress the woman on your back the same way, hang a chain on your neck, and strip every inch of hair off your body. Sizzling? You bet! Or as they say in Argentina, "GOALLLLL!"

3) Black Couples with Similar Afros

It’s back to Harlem for Cotton and Shaft as retro hair lights the sky ebony! Chocolate men, show them honkies who’s boss by carrying your Nubian Princess on only one shoulder. A white tee and a goatee make the Afro-man a sight to see!

4) Dry Humping

Safe Sex is so Generation X. The latest group of hipsters takes the birds and the bees to a higher evolutionary place — dry humping! Ladies, tease your men with a little bit of side cleavage, but not too much — because this hanky-panky is done with your pants on. Some old-school sexperts might find this lacking in spark, that’s why we suggest first putting your fingers in electrical sockets that make your hair stand up. Talk about the Big O!

Hire me!

hip as always,

Neil Kramer a.k.a Neilochka the Cool

As if I don’t have enough spammers and perverts scanning my website, now I learn that marketing companies are using high-tech methods to scan my Web log for "valuable insights" into the consumer market. U.S. companies using new blog analysis tools have already figured out that teens fear exceeding their cellphone minutes, consumers want longer-lasting photos, and interest in Atkins diet is dropping.

Umbria, with clients including Sprint Corp. and Electronic Arts Inc., says its natural-language analysis can determine blogger demographics based on language, subject matter and acronyms. OMG ("oh my God!") or POS ("parent over shoulder") are expressions defining Generation Y girls, or those ages 10 to 25; FUBAR ("fouled up beyond all recognition") is often used by male baby boomers.

Such analysis can be important. Umbria says Laker guard Kobe Bryant has lost his cachet with most bloggers, but he is still the No. 2 National Basketball Association personality, behind LeBron James, among the boys of Generation Y, important buyers of videogames, sneakers and basketball jerseys.

David Rabjohns, president of blog watcher MotiveQuest, calls the field "online anthropology" and says he regards his firm as "almost a mouthpiece for the consumer." The Evanston., Ill., firm’s clients include Motorola Inc. and Citigroup Inc.

For a Japanese auto maker, Mr. Rabjohns says MotiveQuest studied online postings about minivans. Soccer moms said their young children love minivans, which they regard as "a playhouse on wheels," but teens regard them as lame and want SUVs. MotiveQuest recommended developing a loyalty program to persuade minivan owners to buy the company’s SUVs, rather than trying to get them to buy another minivan.

As a consumer who wants his opinion heard, I will now be more vocal in using brand names so as to help marketers scanning my blog:

Ragu Tomato Sauce sucks. It is the worst-tasting stuff on the market. I find better tomato sauce at the 99 cent store.

You couldn’t pay me to buy another piece of junk furniture at Ikea.

Sony TVs aren’t as good as they used to be.

The Hyundai Santa Fe comes with a really bad radio.

The Simpsons were better last year.

Pacific Theater‘s popcorn is inferior to AMC’s popcorn.

Starbucks coffee is too bitter.

Krispy Kreme doughnuts are over-rated.

Vons is the worst supermarket in Los Angeles, with the lousiest selection.

Streit’s Matzoh at Passover is crap compared to Osem Israeli Matzoh.

Paramount Pictures‘ movies have been mediocre lately.

American Idol only has two more years left in it.

Office Max is the least interesting of the office supply stores.

Despite Paris Hilton, Carl’s Jr. is the worst fast-food place in California.

Her mother’s show, I Want to Become a Hilton, is the worst reality show ever.

The phrase "this" as the new "that" is overused. Los Angeles Times editors should stop using it.

Newsweek and Time both suck as magazines.

The girls in Stuff are prettier than the girls in Maxim.

Brunettes are sexier than Blonds.

No more TV shows set in Las Vegas. It’s really not that interesting there.

The vegetables in Whole Foods are way overpriced. Are only the wealthy supposed to eat organic while everyone else poisons themselves with the vegetables at Ralphs? Why not subsidize healthy vegetables rather than art in a museum?

Crystal Geyser water sometimes smells funny. Are you sure this isn’t just the local water repackaged?

The equipment at the 24 Hour Fitness on Pico needs repair.

I have never responded once to an online advertisement. It is a total waste of money.

Rice Krispies is the wimpiest cereal. I can’t believe I ate these as a kid.

I never really liked the pizza at California Pizza Kitchen.

Cingular‘s advertisements lie. Their service is awful. I can’t even use the phone in my own apartment.

Although I use it, I’m not very impressed with the interface of gmail.

I’m a little concerned about drinking Coke with Splenda. How do I know they aren’t going to find out that Splenda is cancer-causing ten years from now?

Mentadent toothpaste tastes bad and the toothpaste always drips onto the bathroom counter.

Jockey brand underwear never fits as well as Hanes.

I pity you if you have no choice but to use Comcast for cable (like me).

Michael Jackson was probably guilty.

Any other cry-outs to the scanning marketing bots?