the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: photography (Page 8 of 9)

Word and Image

I am in McDonald’s staring at a poster for the new McRib sandwich.  The photo shows this huge, juicy, succulent rib — the size of half a cow.  The photo is just begging you to buy a McRib.  Although I have never eaten a McRib, I do have experience with McDonald’s hamburgers.  I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about.  The photo shows a thick patty with a watery tomato, pickle, and lettuce packed on high on a bakery-fresh bun, and then when you get the burger, it is… a typical McDonald’s hamburger, a grayish, flacid disc that barely fits in the soft, limp bun.  So, I am asking myself — and you — why is this not considered false advertising?  There are stringent controls on the words that go into advertising.  A company can get sued for lying to their consumers with their words.  I can’t run an ad saying that if you come into my car dealership, I will sell you an Acura, and then give you a Corolla.  So, why hasn’t anyone ever sued McDonald’s for the fakery of their food photos?

My photographer friend, Kim, recently went to a class in Los Angeles to learn the techniques of commercial food photography.  From what she told me, it sounded like a fascinating class, with food photography an art form in itself.  She told me how sandwiches are stuffed with cotton to make them thicker, and food coloring is used to make chocolate look more chocolate-y.  And photographers get big bucks for this deception, on-the-set fakery done before the use of Photoshop.

Do you ever notice that readers like the “real” and “authentic,” in writing?  We like to read about struggle and drama.  On the other side, have you noticed that we tend to love the photographs that should be in a glossy magazine?  Beautiful settings.  And beautiful people.  Our families look near perfect.  Our yards are always clean.  The laundry on the couch is always hidden. Everyone has nice hair.  Special filters are used to create a mood.  Photoshop is employed to rid us of blemishes.

Of course, writing is also fake.  We have our own literary brush tools.  We can completely change the mood of a sentence, but switching a word, or adding punctuation.  Some of us are more poetic in our words.  If I say that my friend was “as angry as a bulldog,” I am giving you a visual picture.  But it is still manipulation, like a yellow filter, or the Hipstamatic app in the iphone.  My friend is not really a bulldog.  I’m not even sure bulldogs are “angry.”

I am not a photographer.  So I am curious.  Are you searching for any truth in your photos? If you take a perfect photo of a perfect family in front of a perfect home, are you trying to express the Platonic ideal of your family?  Are words more suited for communication and expressing truth (if you so choose), and photos more for beauty and glorified image?

I know media images of beauty are always a popular topic with my female friends online.  But I’m not sure we should trust corporate America to determine what is “real” for us, women or otherwise.  When I see those Dove “real women” campaigns, I mostly see photoshopped size 8 models instead of photoshopped size 2 models.

We tend to look down our noses at the use of  “advertising” techniques in writing, seeing them as manipulative, but applaud the same techniques in photography.  Why does beauty always have to be so “prettified?”  Why do we always talk about our search for truth and authenticity in art if we don’t really want to see it or express it in our images?

Does any of this make any sense?  Maybe not.  I’ll tell you one thing — that McRib sandwich looks good!

Three Photographs

I bought an inexpensive Canon camera on Amazon during Black Friday and I received it in the mail last week.  As usual, I ignored the suggestion to read the manual and started to play with it without knowing what I was doing.  Why are there so many buttons and menu selections on a camera?

But so far, I haven’t broken it.

I’m not a true photographer at heart.  I don’t get tremendous urges to capture a moment in time or to shoot a scene on film.  I do like photos.  Especially your photos!   I would love to take more photos of people — quirky individuals doing funny or incongruous things, like nuns eating hot dogs, but I’m too shy to ask them if I can photograph them.  It seems rude.

Here is my first shot with my new camera:

coffee

I was in a very nice cafe at the time, by myself.  Most normal people might have taken a photo of the pretty cafe or the people in the cafe.  Or ME sitting in the cafe.  I didn’t think about it.  I’m not 100% aware of my surroundings.  I am more of a “storyteller” in my own mind, than a photographer interacting with the real world.   As I sat alone, sipping my over-priced coffee in this trendy Manhattan cafe, I created a story about the girl sitting in the corner.  She was wearing a black-and-white striped dress and a red beret.  In this homespun New York City tale of romance and adventure, I strutted over to her table and joined her.  We talked and laughed for an hour; the time passed as fast as the sun setting in the Pacific on a summer day.   As she cocked her head to the side and smiled, the light in her eyes…

…well, anyway, it was only a story.  And it was sort of cliched.   I never finished it.  Besides, she left.   It didn’t bother me too much.   Her table was a mess.  She left behind crumbs and crumbled napkins.  It was a big turn-off.   I probably should have just photographed her, so I would always remember what she looked like.   Already, her image is fading, like an old Polaroid.

I need to figure out how to use my zoom lens.  That way, I can take photos of people without them knowing.

Here’s my second photo:

broadway

It is from Thursday night.  It was pouring outside, but my mother and I schlepped into Manhattan to see the play “August: Osage County.”  This is the play that won the Tony and the Pulitzer Prize last year.  It is excellent, a skillfully written and acted drama about a dysfunctional family.  If you can, you should see it.  I know most of you can relate to the subject matter of the play, since so many of you are nuts or on anti-depressants.

I told Victoria, a blogger in New York, that I was going to the theater.

“Are you going on a date?” she asked.

I wasn’t sure what to answer.  It seemed pathetic to tell her that I was going out with my mother.  But with 2009 coming soon, and my #6 upcoming resolution being, “Never Lie to a Woman,” I decided to tell her the truth.

“I’m going with my mother.”  I said.  “She wanted to see it, too.”

“Oh, that’s so nice that you’re going with your mother.”

At first, I was taken aback by her positive response. Then, I remembered this Oscars ceremony from a few years ago, where Leonardo DiCaprio walked down the red carpet with his MOTHER as his date.   The pre-show host (Joan Rivers, maybe?) was all over him, saying how wonderful it was that he was bringing his proud MOTHER to the Academy Awards.  So, rather than hiding the fact that I went to the show with my mother, I am proudly making it into a public announcement.

I WENT TO SEE AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY WITH MY MOTHER, much like the handsome, extremely talented Leonardo DiCaprio, who clearly could have brought any gorgeous women in the world with him to the Academy Awards, including that hot Israel model he was dating — but he chose to pick his mother out of love and respect.   So, don’t assume that I went with my mother only because she is the only woman who will talk with me.   I just didn’t feel like going out with ANOTHER Israeli model!

This is my third photo:

train

It is from a large toy train display in the lobby of the Citicorp Building (soon to be renamed The Tower of Broken Financial Dreams).  I went with my childhood friend and his wife, and their two young boys.  The older boy, K, is obsessed — OBSESSED — with trains.  He can tell you about every episode of Thomas the Tank Engine.  He owns DVDs of famous train lines speeding through Europe and Asia.  One of his favorite activities is going to Grand Central and watching the commuter trains take off to New Jersey.  Even though K is only in pre-school, he is an expert on the New York City subway system.  When we were on the subway, he announced the stops before the conductor.   K can also point out the differences between the old trains and new trains on the “R” and “6” lines.

On Sunday afternoon, we were all traveling by subway to the Rubin Museum of Himalayan Art (only in Manhattan do parents bring their kids to see the Tibetan art as a fun activity).   As we took off from the station, K pressed his face against the window, watching as the train noisily sped through the mysterious subway tunnel.  K does this every time we enter a subway train.  This makes me smile, because we are kindred spirits.   I used to do the exact same thing when I was his age!  I would sit between my parents, knees pushing against both of their legs, peering out at the passing blurry lights, and I would imagine that I was a NASA astronaut in a spaceship speeding through the emptiness of space.

I thought this was a perfect way to bond with my friend’s son.  I sat next to K, facing the window, much like I did in my youth.   Together we sat, young and young-at-heart, both facing the dirty subway window, both of us directly under the “Drink Stolchinaya!” advertisement.

“I see you like looking out.” I said to K.  “It is dark out there… and all those lights.  You like that, right?”

“Yes.”

“You know, I do that too.  I look out the window and I see all the darkness and I imagine that I am in a spaceship passing by all these stars and galaxies.  Like I am astronaut on an Apollo mission or on the Starship Enterprise!  Doesn’t it look like space?”

He gave me a WTF look, as if I was speaking another language.  Mentioning the Apollo mission and the Starship Enterprise was like my late Uncle Morris talking to me about Joe Dimaggio’s skill as a batter.

“It is space,” said K, finally responding to my statement.  “There’s space there so the express train can pass by on the other side.”

Smart ass.  I was dissed by a pre-schooler.

But I learned a lot from my young friend through that statement.

I’m not 100% aware of my surroundings.  I am more of a “storyteller” in my own mind, than a person interacting with the real world.   K will be a better photographer.

The First Annual Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair

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Arts and Crafts Fair Poster Girl Villanovababy

Welcome to the first ever Blogger Holiday Online Arts and Crafts Fair. 

This is your opportunity to be introduced to the artistic work of some of your favorite bloggers.  It’s the holiday season… the time for gift-giving.  Why not give a unique and handmade gift to your loved ones and friends this year — and support a fellow blogger at the same time?  I think you’ll find a varied group of artists, photograhers, and crafty folk represented here on this page.

Feel free to browse, both here and on the participants’ shopping pages.  You don’t have to buy.  Just enjoy looking at the work of those who are more talented than you, artistic geniuses who make you feel like an uncreative loser.  Ha Ha, of course that is a joke.  You don’t feel bad at all.  They’re ARTISTS.  Chances are that you drive a much nicer car. You get the last laugh!  Thank god for business school!

Of course no arts and craft fair would be complete without some food and entertainment.  Please nosh on our delicious homemade bagels, courtesy of Deb from Smitten Kitchen and Ari from Baking and Books. 

The Battle of the Homemade Bagels —

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Deb’s Homemade Bagels

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Ari’s Homemade Bagels

Sure, they’re only virtual bagels, but they’re COMPLIMENTARY.  That means they are free!  Woo-hoo! 

There are also two concert areas on the fairgrounds, keeping you entertained as you shop. On STAGE ONE, rock out with British indie band Arctic Monkeys, as they stop by the arts and crafts fair during their west coast tour.  On STAGE TWO, our more intimate staging area, we are proud to present one of America’s finest songwriters, Mr. James Taylor.

I hope you enjoy the Arts and Crafts Fair.  The doors are now open!

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Gemstone necklaces from Gillian   
(blog — Tiddleywinks)

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Photography from Lisa Duvall
(blog — Fat Chick Running)

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Artwork by Kyra
(blog — Shaping My Way)

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Photography by Schmutzie
(blog — Milk Money or Not)

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Gift Tags by SAJ
(blog — Secret Agent Josephine)

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Photography by Leesa
(blog — Piece of My Mind)

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Artwork by Angie
(blog — Evangelinethan)

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Photography by Susannah
(blog — Ink on my Fingers)

CONCERT STAGE ONE – Arctic Monkeys

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Work by Liz Elayne
(blog — Be Present, Be Here)

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Photography by Mary
(blog — Maliavale)

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T-shirt by Dave
(blog — Blogography)

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Jewelry by Sara
(blog — Moving Right Along)

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Photography by Stacy
(blog — Jurgen Nation)

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Gumball the Kitten Magnets by Bethany
(blog — Bethany Actually)

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Artwork by Ellen Bloom
(blog — Los Angeles is my Beat)

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Photography by Heather
(blog — Nabbalicious)

CONCERT STAGE TWO – James Taylor

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Purse by Abigail
(blog — Abigail’s Road to Nowhere)

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Photography by 180/360
(blog — 180/360)

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Custom Made Felt Pins by Ms. Sizzle
($5 plus shipping – email her at sizzlesays at gmail dot com)
(blog — Sizzle Says)

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Photography by Sarah
(blog — Sad and Beautiful)

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Baby/Toddler Clothes by Sarah
(blog — Susu g)

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Photography by Di Mackey
(blog — Woman Wandering)

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Fiber Quilts by Caron
(blogs — All and Nothing, And Still Counting)

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Painting by Stacy Elaine
(blog — Pudgy Pigeon Enterprises)

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Handmade Hats and Aprons by Leahpeah
(blog — Leahpeah)

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Artwork by AscenderRises
(blog — Ascender Rises Above)

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Photography by Aimee
(blog — Greeblemonkey)

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Art Journal by V-Grrrl
(email her at veronica at v-grrrl dot com for prices)
(blog — V-grrrl in the Middle)

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Baby Clothes by Jen Lemen
(blog — Jen Lemen)

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Purses by Jaynette

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And for those who would rather donate money as a gift, how about getting a cow or a water buffalo for a needy family via The Heifer Project? (thanks Not Fainthearted!)

Good Advice

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Thank you for telling me that I should use a better photo for selling myself on that blogger auction.   I love to hear the truth.   I should learn to be as honest as you guys. 

Ellen of LA is My Beat was the first —

Yikes, Neil! THAT photo does NOT do you justice. You are so much more attractive than THAT PHOTO! You’ve pushed up your cheeks, so they look jowly, the light is that greenish-yellow fluorescent icky color, bleah. My husband, Mr. Larry, is a professional photographer and the one thing I’ve learned in our 15 years of marriage is how to pose for photos!!! PULEEZE, take a photo in outdoor light where you’re not squinting into the sun. Relax, smile, make sure the camera is slightly higher than your face (this eliminates any double chin action). If you need to “photoshop” anything, just add a little brightness. The bright lights eliminate any wrinkles or shadows on your face. Have you noticed how great Barbara Walters looks in-studio vs. in a street photo? Lighting is everything!!! Good luck!

Laurie of Crazy Aunt Purl also had some good advice —

Ellen has the TRUTH, my friend. I always have someone stand on a chair to photograph me.

Tonight, I dragged Sophia out of her sick bed to take some photos of me, using some of the special techniques I learned from you today.  I told Sophia that Ellen and Laurie were very bright people, and Sophia stood on a chair and responded, “Anything to make your female readers happy, Neilochka.”

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Just a Little Trim

The Overcoat Photo (Behind the Scenes)

IM Message One (Neil and Sophia)

Sophia:  (in Los Angeles)  How’s the weather?

Neil:  Tonight it is freezing.

Sophia:  What are you wearing?

Neil:  My leather coat.

Sophia: Don’t wear that.  It’s too cold for a leather jacket.  Wear that other coat.

Neil:  The old one?

Sophia: Yes.

Neil:  It think it may be too short on me now.  Let me see.  Later.

 

IM Message Two (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I took a photo of the me in the coat.  I’m sending it to you.  How does it look?

Sophia:  I can hardly see anything.  Everything looks orange and dark.  Can’t you photoshop it?

Neil:  It will be faster for me to take another photo.  Be back.

 

IM Message Three (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I’m sending another photo.  This one is special for you.

Sophia:  Ha Ha.  That’s cute!

Neil:  I used Photoshop and combined two photos — a naked one and one with the overcoat!  I stood in the exact same spot for both.

Sophia: What color is the coat?

Neil:  Grey.

Sophia:  It looks orange in the photo.

Neil:  It is the bad lighting.  I tried to fix it in Photoshop, but it just washes everything out.

Sophia:  It looks like your mother’s coat. 

Neil:  It is not my mother’s coat. 

Sophia: What man wears an orange coat… other than a pimp?

Neil:  Do you like the photo?

Sophia:  It’s funny. You should post it on the blog.

Neil:  Are you serious?

Sophia:  Yeah, why not.  You can’t see anything.

Neil:  I’ll think about it.  I don’t have anything for tomorrow anyway. 

 

IM Message Four (Neil and Charming but Single)

Neil:  Hey, C!  What’s up?

Charming:  Not much.  Work really sucked today.

Neil:  Why?

Charming:  Because my boss…

(Fifteen minutes later — Why do women remember every little detail of their work day while men just answer, “Nothing”?)

Neil:  Can I ask you a favor?  I want to send you a photo.  Tell me if you think it is OK to post.

Charming:  Sure.

Neil:  It is a little risque.

Charming:  You’re not sending me a photo of your penis, are you?

Neil:  Why would I send you a photo of my penis?

Charming:  You write about your penis.  

Neil:  I write about my penis.  I don’t take photos of my penis.

Charming:  Well, some men do.

Neil:  You have men sending you photos of their penises?

Charming:  Some guy from match.com just sent me one last week.

Neil:  Why would he send you a photo of his penis?  What are you going to do with it?  Put the photo on your fridge?

Charming:  I have no idea. 

Neil:  Believe me, I’m never going to send you a photo of my penis.  Expecially when it is so cold.

Charming:  You are an enlightened man.  Please tell other men that sending a photo of your penis to someone you just meet on Match.com does not make you good dating material.

Neil:  If you are going to send a woman something, it should be a photo of your bank account.

Charming:  I just want a nice, normal guy. 

Neil:  I will pass the info on to the blogosphere.

(note:  C is available and very charming.  Men, I perfectly understand your love of your own penis.  But please do not send any photos to a woman you are interested in.  Let it be a mystery until the day of the big unveiling.  Would you want her to send YOU an unrequested naked photo of herself? [uh, note — edit out that last sentence later])

Neil:  Well, C, here’s my picture?

Charming:  Oooh, cute! 

Neil:  Cute?  It is supposed to be a little risque, not cute. 

Charming:   I find it cute.  I like your little hat.

Neil:  Can I post this on the blog?

Charming:  Yes.  Hot!

Neil:  Do you like the coat?

Charming:  Is it your mother’s?

Neil:  It is NOT my mother’s!

Charming:  It’s orange.

Neil:  It’s gray.

Charming:  So, is this what you are doing in New York?  Taking naked photos of yourself?

Neil:  Just one photo.  To show how cold it is… in an artistic way.

Charming:  Yeah, right.

Neil:  Do you have any “artistic” photos of yourself you want to run by me?

Charming:  No. 

Neil:  OK, so thanks.  Let me post it.

Charming:  Wait, wait, wait… I haven’t finished telling you about my boss today. 

Neil:  Oh, yes… go on…

Charming:  So, we’re at this conference, and I’m giving this presentation… and remember, I was working on this all weekend… and… my boss…

(As she told me about her day, I thought about the title of my first best-selling self-help book on male-female Venus-Mars relationships:  Women Like to Chat, Men Like to Photograph Their Penis)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka Leaves His Apartment

The Trees Are Indian Princes

Bright yellow, red, and orange,
The leaves come down in hosts;
The trees are Indian princes,
But soon they’ll turn to ghosts.

— William Allingham (1824-1889), Irish poet

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Green how I want you green.
Green wind. Green branches.

Federico García Lorca (1898-1936), Spanish poet, playwright

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her swung breasts
Sway like full-blown yellow
Gloire de Dijon roses.

D.H. Lawrence (1885-1930), British poet and author

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the great orange bed where we lie
like two frozen paintings in a field of poppies.

Anne Sexton (1928-1974), American poet and writer

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Swinging
clusters of red, the hedges are full of them,
red-currant red, a graceful
ornament or a merry smile.

Denise Levertov (b. 1923), Anglo-American poet

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Thanks for bringing a little Fall to Southern California.

The photographers are:

GREEN

Pam, Austria

Sweet, Washington D.C.

Boutros, Virginia

Dagny, Berkeley

Rhea, Boston

YELLOW

Dana, Connecticut

Tara, Iowa City

Joan, Winnipeg

Caitlin, New York

ORANGE

Jessica, St. Louis

Jenny, Chicago

Alison, Kentucky

Chantel, Portland

Sarah, Pennsylvania

Elizabeth, New Hampshire

RED

Cynical Girl, New York

Elisabeth, Pennsylvania

Pearl, Ottawa

Marianne, Massachusetts

Turning Over a New Leaf

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I fasted today, but I didn’t go to temple for Yom Kippur.  I just didn’t feel like going.  On Yom Kippur, there is an important memorial service, and it would have been the first time going to the service for my father, and I just didn’t want to do it.  So, instead, I just broke all the rules.  I went to CVS pharmacy, bought myself a $3.99 disposable camera and walked to Hermosa Beach.  It felt very spiritual walking around the beach looking for photos to take.  Or then again, it could have just been hunger.

If you have any interest, you can see the photos here.  One warning:  the photos are not THAT interesting, and I’m not in any of them, so don’t get too pissed at making you do an extra click of the mouse for nothing.   If you’re never been this this part of the country, maybe you can get a sense of the “sleepy” beach community I’m living in right now. 

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I’ve grown to like Southern California, but I find October depressing in the dry West.  I love FALL.  I love what it represents — a new beginning.  I think the time of the Jewish New Year makes a lot more sense than January 1st.   I love the change of the weather and the leaves and the new school year and the new TV season, and everything new that goes with Fall.  As I was taking my walk today, I realized that today’s weather in Los Angeles was not that much different than it was on July 4th!  Where’s the change? 

Most of my blogging friends do NOT live in California.  I know you sometimes laugh at us for being weird and electing actors to be governor, uh – TWICE.   But try to remember that the State of California has enhanced your life in many ways:  the birth of the internet, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, California Pizza Kitchen, and the word “gnarly.” 

Now it is your turn to pay us back —

Could someone help a Southern Californian who is homesick for Fall and email him a photo of a leaf or tree changing colors?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Man in the Mirror

I Am a Camera

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I’ve never been much of a photographer. I honestly think the problem is one of assertiveness. Taking photos of the world around you requires some chutzpah, some “balls.” To take a photo of a stranger, or even a tree requires you to step into the space of someone or something, and “take” an image for yourself. Even the the concept of “shooting” a photo sounds aggressive. This is the same type of anxiety that prevents me from kissing a woman on a first date. It just seems too forward.

Susan Sontag, in her famous book On Photography, wrote “To photograph people is to violate them… It turns people into objects that can be symbolically possessed… Essentially the camera makes everyone a tourist in other people’s reality, and eventually in one’s own.”

For most of my life, I have left the photography for others. My place was always sitting in the corner with a pad and pen. Now I say, “Phooey!” It is time for a change.

Yesterday, I opened up a Flickr account.

Can you believe that I’ve been blogging for over a year and have never investigated your Flickr pages? What fun. I’ve been stalking you all day. There you are! Photos of you. With your friends. With your family. Half-naked. What a treat to see you outside of your blogging lives.

I’ve already added a few of you as “contacts.” Don’t feel obligated to make me your contact. There is nothing of interest on my site as of yet. I don’t even own a digital camera. Can anyone suggest one in the $200 range? I took Alison‘s suggestion and tested a few models for the “feel” of the camera. I definitely like the bulkier ones with the grip.

One camera that clearly struck my imagination was the HP Photosmart R967.

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This model is one of their new models that contains a “slimming feature” (via Big Fat Blog). After taking photo, you can use a slider on the camera to “instantly trim of pounds from the subjects in your photos!”

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Call me old-fashioned, but I always thought the aim of personal photography was to “capture” reality. I even remember learning in art history classes in college that Impressionism and Expressionism were direct reactions to the way photography could better show the real world than a painting. Don’t we expect a photo to somehow reflect reality? Isn’t it going to be weird showing the photos of your size-8 body when you’re standing there holding the photos in your size-14 body? Do you really want people to say to you, “You look wonderful in that photo even though I know it is mostly the camera’s slimming effect and in reality you are twenty-five pounds more! Is this the ultimate solution for our obesity problem — showing photos to each other of us looking thin and making believe it is “reality?” I can understand putting an old photo of yourself on Match.com, since no one really knows you there, but who are you going to be fooling with your slimmer personal photos? Your co-workers? Your mother? Yourself?

And what type of message are we giving our already anorexic-obsessed teenagers?

But who I am to stop modern technology and human vanity? Who doesn’t want to look better on film? I’d be a hypocrite to speak against photographic manipulation. Remember the time I “whitened my teeth” in Photoshop for my profile pic (see sidebar photo)? What’s wrong with wanting to look how you want to look?

With this new attitude, I went over to Circuit City to explore some of the other cameras with new features like that of the HP Photosmart R967. It was an eye-opening experience.

I was greatly impressed with the Canon PowerShot B900 and it’s brand new “colorizing” feature.

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I’ve always thought that black people were much “cooler” than white people. I think that’s why so many white suburban kids love rap and “inner city” fashion. Wouldn’t it be great to show how “cool” you were to your friends — at least on film?

Here I am this morning. Pretty dull, huh?

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Here I am after using the “colorizing” filter!

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And it’s so easy!

The Nikon Coolpix N7 is perfect for the struggling Mommyblogger or Daddyblogger family.

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Don’t you hate it when all you can afford is a cheap vacation to Legoland when your neighbors are taking the whole family to some resort in Maui? With just one click of Canon’s GWC (Great Wall of China) switch, impress your friends and neighbors.

Go from boring Legoland —

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— to a family adventures in the mysterious Orient, right in the camera!

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Finally, many of use our digital cameras for more personal pursuits. On Friday night, I was feeling a little alone, so I decided to email Charming But Single some photos I took of myself that I thought might “arouse” her interest. For some reason, I never heard back from her and she deleted me from her blogroll. But things would have been different if I had owned the exciting new Olympus SE-490.

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This new Olympus contains the trademarked Expando-filter. It is absolutely brilliant. Now you can make any object larger with the click of a button.

Look at this photograph I took on one of my vacations. Nice, but not very impressive.

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1-2-3 and presto!

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With the Olympus, Friday night might have turned out very differently.

Ansel Adams, eat your heart out!

(tonight and tomorrow is Yom Kippur. If you celebrate the holiday, have an easy fast. My Yom Kippur post from last year is here).

Will You Share Your Bed With Me?

Tonight I asked Sophia if she wanted me to come to New York for a visit. She said… uh, no. I would be too much of a distraction. They’re already shooting the film and she’s insanely busy.

She’s probably right. I am a distracting person. I’m very needy. I’m lonely and miserable. But I just want what everyone wants — someone to share a bed with.

But wait. I completely forgot — I have YOU, my dear blog reader.

Will you share YOUR bed with me?

That’s right. You can share your bed with me by emailing me a photo of YOUR BED. I will post it later in the week.

Here is an example — the bed of the generous Two Roads at Lindbergh’s Crossing:
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If enough people share their beds with me, I think I will be sufficiently satisfied until Sophia’s return.

Men, I don’t mind if you share your bed with me, also — but we’re just going to spoon, OK? (it also might be a good way for the chicks to check out your bedroom, if you get my drift — so make the bed first)

Update, Monday morning, after reading the comments: You women are so picky about what your “Neilochka” must look like, I might just hang out in the guys’ beds. They’ll sleep with anyone.

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Update: Both Rhea and DaveG pointed me to a New York Times article today titled, “People Who Share a Bed, and the Things They Say About It,” which only goes to show that bed-sharing is the hippest thing in town!

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month: When I’m Sixty-Four

The Romantic Post

This morning, I had a pleasant surprise.  Sophia sends me a photo of herself at work, taken with her cellphone.  I called her a half hour later, telling her I have a surprise for her in return.

Neil:  “Sofotchka, cute photo!  I made a post out of it for the blog.  Check it out.   It’s in draft.”

Sophia goes into my “manage” area of WordPress to look at the post.  It looks something like this:

Thursday Morning, 8AM,  Los Angeles —

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Thursday Morning, 8AM, New York —

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Sophia:  “Uh, I don’t get it.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.  It’s like we’re 3000 miles apart, but I’m still dreaming about you in bed.”

Sophia:  “Huh?  You’re really losing it.  No one is going to get that.”

Neil:  “No?’

Sophia:  “What it actually looks more like is, “Look here.  Sophia is awake and is already hard at work as a Russian Dialect Coach early in the morning while I’m still in bed lying around.””

Neil:  “Why would I write a post like that?”

Sophia:  “I have no idea.   That’s why I was confused.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.”

Sophia:  “Well, thank you.  But how old is that photo of you?  It doesn’t even look like you.”

Neil:  “A few years.”

Sophia:  “A few years?  At least five or six.  You don’t have one white hair on your head.  Are you trying to fool your readers?”

Neil:  “No, I just needed a photo of me sleeping.  I’m supposed to be dreaming about you, remember?!”

Sophia:  “I remember this photo.  This is like SEVEN years ago.  I took it while you were sleeping… of your tush.  You’re obsessed with this naked thing!  What is this — a porno blog now?”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic!”

Sophia:  “Email me this photo.  I forgot all about it.”

Neil:  “No.”

Sophia:  “Now you’re shy?”

Neil:  “I don’t feel romantic anymore.”

Sophia:  “Aw, come on.   You flirt with every girl on the blogosphere, but won’t send your own (separated) wife a  photo of your tush.”

Neil:  “OK, here…”

I email the photo to Sophia.  She starts laughing.

Neil:  “What’s so funny?”

Sophia:  “Forget about your gray hairs.  Your ass doesn’t look like that anymore, either!”

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka vs. Nicole

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