fortune from Seafood Village, October 25, 2006
(the waiter with the cool Chinese name who calls himself Paul says hello and looks forward to your return from New York)
Tag: marriage (Page 6 of 8)
Have you ever been happy, depressed, excited, anxious, frustrated, and ecstatic all at the same time? That’s how I feel right now.
After two and a half months of misery, Sophia is coming home on Monday! It’s been over TWO MONTHS since she left for New York!
Of course I’m very excited, but I’m also very anxious. We’re going to be living in the same house for the first time in a while (“even though we will be remaining separated in reality” adds Sophia). Now, if we have a fight, I have no where to run, unless some local blogger offers me their spare bedroom for the night.
Did I accomplish anything special in those two months alone? No.
Did I go into therapy like I promised Sophia in order to discuss some “issues?” No.
Did I write a screenplay that sold for a million dollars? No.
Did I find a high-paying full time job with medical benefits? No.
Did I take care of myself, eat the right foods, and exercise a lot? No.
Did I watch “Dancing with the Stars” last night because I am totally in love with the dancer Cheryl Burke? Yes.
Did I talk with my penis much too much? Yes.
Did I continue blogging successfully without having Sophia as my “editor?” Absolutely.
Today is Wednesday. I have so much to do before she arrives home.
I need to clean up the house.
I need to fix her car.
I need to tell Emily and Trish that they must find their own apartment.
Â
Even the trees of California
Are beginning to change color
Knowing you will be home
Soon
Happy Anniversary, Sophia!
(thanks, Jerry, for the tree photo!)
Â
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Max. One sunny day, while Max was walking through the park, he met a female Genie who lived in a bottle. Max and the Genie became friends.Â
This female Genie had these two Magic Orbs. Max learned to love these Magic Orbs more than anything. He loved to hold them, play with them, and squeeze them for good luck. These Magic Orbs made Max the happiest boy in his little town.Â
One night, there was a violent storm and the Genie was blown out of town.Â
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Max had no Magic Orbs to play with anymore. Max was very sad. Max’s father saw that Max was sad. He told Max about this other toy that he could play with instead.Â
For several weeks, Max played with this other toy, sometimes two or three times a day. Still, Max missed the Genie’s Magic Orbs. Â
Max went to the park to find another Genie with Magic Orbs. Â
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While in the park, he saw many other Genies. Some had big Magic Orbs. Some had little Magic Orbs. Max liked these Magic Orbs, but they were not his to play with and hold.Â
Max became sad again. Suddenly, Max heard a friendly voice. It was the Good Spirit of the North, who came to help Max.Â
“Here is what you must do,” said the Good Spirit, and whispered the secret into Max’s ear.
Max ran home as fast as lightning. Now he knew what to do. He would not be sad anymore.Â
Max ran upstairs to his computer and wrote a blog post about Magic Orbs, letting the sadness disappear, and then Max played with his other toy until he fell asleep.Â
This morning, I had a pleasant surprise. Sophia sends me a photo of herself at work, taken with her cellphone. I called her a half hour later, telling her I have a surprise for her in return.
Neil: “Sofotchka, cute photo! I made a post out of it for the blog. Check it out.  It’s in draft.”
Sophia goes into my “manage” area of WordPress to look at the post. It looks something like this:
Thursday Morning, 8AM, Â Los Angeles —
Â
Thursday Morning, 8AM, New York —
Sophia:Â “Uh, I don’t get it.”
Neil: “It’s supposed to be romantic. It’s like we’re 3000 miles apart, but I’m still dreaming about you in bed.”
Sophia: “Huh? You’re really losing it. No one is going to get that.”
Neil:Â “No?’
Sophia: “What it actually looks more like is, “Look here. Sophia is awake and is already hard at work as a Russian Dialect Coach early in the morning while I’m still in bed lying around.””
Neil:Â “Why would I write a post like that?”
Sophia: “I have no idea.  That’s why I was confused.”
Neil:Â “It’s supposed to be romantic.”
Sophia: “Well, thank you. But how old is that photo of you? It doesn’t even look like you.”
Neil:Â “A few years.”
Sophia: “A few years? At least five or six. You don’t have one white hair on your head. Are you trying to fool your readers?”
Neil: “No, I just needed a photo of me sleeping. I’m supposed to be dreaming about you, remember?!”
Sophia: “I remember this photo. This is like SEVEN years ago. I took it while you were sleeping… of your tush. You’re obsessed with this naked thing! What is this — a porno blog now?”
Neil:Â “It’s supposed to be romantic!”
Sophia: “Email me this photo. I forgot all about it.”
Neil:Â “No.”
Sophia:Â “Now you’re shy?”
Neil:Â “I don’t feel romantic anymore.”
Sophia: “Aw, come on.  You flirt with every girl on the blogosphere, but won’t send your own (separated) wife a photo of your tush.”
Neil:Â “OK, here…”
I email the photo to Sophia. She starts laughing.
Neil:Â “What’s so funny?”
Sophia: “Forget about your gray hairs. Your ass doesn’t look like that anymore, either!”
Â
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â Neilochka vs. Nicole
Do you know about this controversial Forbes article: “Don’t Marry Career Women” written by journalist Michael Noer?
Women are all up in arms about it, but to me, it’s complete nonsense. Isn’t it obvious to most men? — the more money your wife makes, the better!
It’s simple. If she’s bringing in the big bucks, the less she is on your back about sitting at home in your underwear (or her underwear) and blogging! Let her work all day and make tons of money.
Of course, some men say they feel uncomfortable with a woman who is more “intelligent” or “high-powered” than they are. My response is, “What are you, a pussy? Marry the smartest woman you can! Beauty fades, but you always need someone to edit you blog posts.”
“Oh, sure,” I hear some men grumbling. “And what about the statistics that show high-powered career women are more likely to have affairs at work?”
I say, “Terrific!” More time for blogging at home. Who wants to put on fancy clothes and go out to some overpriced restaurant when some poor sucker in her office can do it for you? I’ll be catching up on All My Children. As long as I get to play with her tits every once in a while in between writing blog posts, I’m a happy man.
“But aren’t you afraid of your wife leaving you for her new lover?”
“Yeah, let’s see HIM stand around the Nordstrom women’s department for an hour holding her purse while she tries on a Tahari Pinstripe Skirt Suit. She’ll be back.”
Let’s praise the career woman!
A Year Ago On Citizen of the Month: Granny, Won’t You Drive My Car?
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I hate moving! It is so tedious and time-consuming. But I’m never too busy to sing in the car as I’m shlepping boxes…Â
sung to the tune of ‘The Jeffersons’ theme, “Movin’ On Up” (listen to the original song)
Well, I’m movin’ on up, to the Westside
To Sophia’s apartment by the beach
Movin’ on up, to the Westside
Her panties are now within reach.
Sophie’s bras in the morning,
Wearing her stockings at night.
How does she wear these stilletos? Isn’t this teddy too tight?
Wearing her dress on the weekend,
Looking like Barbie, not Ken.
I’m livin’ the high life, just me and her undies,
Until she kicks me out once again!
Well, I’m movin’ on up, to the Westside
To Sophia’s apartment by the beach
Movin’ on up, to the Westside
Her panties are now within reach.
Â
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â She Exists!
Â
Neilochka returning to Redondo Beach with all his worldly possessions.
I’ve played Texas Hold-em a few times now, and I’m surprisingly good at it. I used to play a lot of cards with my grandmother so I feel comfortable with card games. I also think I have a good instinct for when to bluff and when to go all in.
It’s a good instinct to have in real life as well.
Today was a good time to make a play. I decided to move back to Redondo Beach (for now), which is a few miles south of Los Angeles proper, not far from LAX.
I never really liked the “bachelor pad” I’ve been living in since I separated from Sophia. It’s a sublet with a dirty carpet, tiny kitchen, and unfriendly neighbors. So, today I’m starting to move out — back to Sophia’s place.Â
Don’t get too excited.Â
I’m only staying here for the two months that she is gone. We decided it is a waste of money to pay two rents (and besides, Sophia wants me to water her plants and tape “All My Children” for her).
For the future — let’s see what the cards have to say in a few weeks.Â
But for now, as they like to say in my part of the town, surf’s up!
Now, here’s a gratuitous shot of women in bikinis who, if they wanted to, can easily beat the shit out of me. (As if you really believe that I would sit out in the hot sun to watch a volleyball game on a crowded beach, even if they do include women in bikinis. That’s why they invented TV).
Â
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â Full of Emoticons
Song based on Alone Again (Naturally) by Gilbert O’Sullivan
(original mp3 here)
It was just a few hours ago,
That Sophia went off to her show,
Leaving me right here
Holding back a tear
And sitting here drowning in woe.
But my Penis said to me,
“Lonely? Neil, you’ll never be!
Cause around the clock
You can play with your c**k
Proving that you’re self-sufficient
Enough to be a man
Who doesn’t need a blogger’s pity
Cause all you really care about
Are photos of her titty!”
You may as well go home.
And do it on your own,
Alone again, naturally.”
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Deconstructing Gwyneth Paltrow
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