gossip Archives - Citizen of the Month

As long time readers of this blog know, I’m a stick-in-the-mud about certain things, such as advertising.Â I have no problem promoting you or your photography, but it really bugs me to think of myself as advocating something I don’t believe in or know, just because I’m being paid.Â Every few weeks, I’m writing another meanderingÂ post about putting up advertising, blah blah blah.Â I know, it’s getting boring.Â It’s just that I consider what’s on the page as ON THE PAGE, and I find it difficult not connecting the two.Â A few weeks ago, I made fun of a huge Burger King advertisement on all of the blogs with BlogHer ads.Â I like Burger King.Â And maybe you do, too.Â I just don’t want to see you complaining about the obesity of America when you are pocketing from the promotion.Â

There was a lot of buzz yesterday about these photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt that showed up on TMZ, mocking her because the now size 2 actress was supposedly “fat.”Â Here’s a photo of her ass.Â

Frankly, I would have no problemÂ holding that ass.Â

Most of the buzz about this non-topic revolved around the nasty reader comments on the site, like “Looks like somebody needs to do some jogging….BADLY!!” or sleazy TMZ’s sarcastic headlines, making jokes about “I Know Where She ATE last summer.”Â Of course, being me, what I most noticed on the site were all the advertisements on the sidebar– from ATT, the Los Angeles Times, and others.Â Â It’s a free country, TMZ is very successful, and it is owned by Time Warner.Â It is smart to advertise with TMZ.Â However, I now consider ATT and the Los Angeles Times as advocates of unhealhy body images for women, and the mocking of anyone over a size 0.Â Hey, they are the ones PAYING for this type of crap to be put on the internet.

So, I don’t feel bad at all saying that the Los Angeles Times hates people with biggerÂ than size zeroÂ asses.Â “That’s ridiculous!” you might say.Â I don’t.Â You wanted me to notice your advertisment, LA Times.Â And I did.Â So, I consider this an endorsement of the content on the page.Â I bet you that your ass isn’t as nice as Jennifer’s anyway.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â Exhibit at the Guggenheim Museum

In light of all the emails going around saying that Tom Cruise is everywhere doing everything with everyone, including having an affair with Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas, I’ve decided to ‘fess up myself.

I was enjoying my ice blended at the Brentwood Coffee Bean, when all of a sudden, Tom Cruise walked in, got a green tea, and sat at a nearby table. Now, I’m one of his biggest fans, so I took a deep breath and got enough nerve to go over to him. I told him how much I adored his work, and then I started rambling. I told him that I used to wear those ‘Risky Business" Ray-Ban sunglasses around my neighborhood in Queens — just so I could look more like him. He laughed and invited me to sit down.

As we chatted and talked about the ups and downs of Los Angeles life, I started getting nervous again. Here I was sitting with one of the world’s biggest stars! I reached into my pocket and took out my Prozac. He angrily knocked away my bottle.

Don’t you realize you don’t need that?! Did a psychiatrist give you that? Don’t you know psychiatry isn’t a science? I’ve studied the history of psychiatry, so I know. Have you ever read Dianetics?

He told me all about Scientology, and you know what — when he explained it to me in his soothing voice, it all started to make a lot of sense.

The next thing I knew, I was in bed with Tom Cruise. I’m not gay, but this is Tom Cruise. And he says he’s not gay either. Tom is a very caring lover. Even though he is shorter than I realized, he’s not short at all in the places where it counts (if you know what I mean).

In the morning, he made me a delicious nutritious breakfast made with organic ingredients, including waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice. We then sat in his screening room and watched his favorite movie, "Top Gun" on DVD. We both laughed a lot at Kelly McGillis’ wooden performance and had an all around wonderful time. My experience with Tom Cruise was the second greatest moment of my life, after my bar mitzvah.