Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Tag: blogging (Page 9 of 11)

You Decide

April 9, 2006 / / 82 Comments

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I hate all you bloggers out there.   All you ever talk about is:

“Me, me, me.  Read me!  Read me!” 

And I’m no better.   I’m like a trained monkey typing away to amuse a bunch of ungrateful strangers. 

At least Stephanie Klein gets paid to write.  

Or if at least I got to sleep with some hot female blogger – that would make blogging worth the trouble.  

“But no,” she said.  “You’re married.” 

Like that stopped her from jumping into the sack with that real estate attorney last September.  

I noticed Lynn started a Poetry Thursday segment.  I hate poetry, but I wrote one anyway.

Dark, Dark, Dark
It Makes me Weary,
Just Thinkin’ About
The Blogosphery

I would quit blogging right now, but I’m too wishy-washy to make my own decision.  That’s why I’m going to let Fate decide.  Whoever writes the FIRST SECOND THIRD comment — I want you to tell me whether to continue blogging or to quit immediately. 

YOUR DECISION will be final.  You will decide the future of “Citizen of the Month.”

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April Fool’s Day Prank

March 31, 2006 / / 49 Comments

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Psst… hey.  It’s Neil’s Penis here.  Neil is asleep so I have to whisper.  

Saturday is my favorite holiday —  April Fool’s Day.  And I’m thinking of playing a little trick on Neil, right here on this blog.  Are you game?

I love April Fool’s Day.  Maybe its because I’ve always considered myself a bit of a jokester.  There’s nothing funnier than playing a little gag on Neil.  Sometimes, I pop up at the most inopportune times — just to bug and embarrass him.  I remember once rising into action during a pitch meeting with an important female executive who wasn’t wearing a bra.  I don’t ever remember laughing so hard in my life.

You might think me cruel, but actually, there’s a long literary tradition of the "Fool."  Was it not the Fool who was wiser than King Lear?

Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest.

You’re surprised I know that?   You think just because I’m a cock that I’m not well-read?  Who the fuck you think writes all of Neil’s smart posts?  Without me, he’s a drooling idiot who writes cheap gags about Zelnorm! 

Most women think the Penis is the dumb one. 

"He’s thinking with the head down there, not the head up there"  is the typical cliched statement by a woman. 

But, in reality, I’m the real "brains" behind the person you call Neilochka.

In fact,  just this morning I was telling Neil how he could increase his female readership:

Penis:  "Write this down, Neil.  Here are the three posts you need to write over and over again to win over the female audience.  More stuff about how you appreciate a strong and intelligent woman.  More stuff about how you love little animals, particularly cats.   And more stuff about how your greatest joy in life is eating a woman’s pussy."

Neil:  "But none of that is…"

Penis:  "Just say it, you moron.  (looking towards heaven)  God, why were you so cruel to hang a penis like me on an idiot like him?"

All in all, I guess Neil is OK, even if he is a little simple-minded.  But that’s why I love playing gags on him. 

So, here’s my April Fool’s joke:

It seems that there’s one thing that Neil really hates about the blogging world — the way it’s been taken over by those only interested in self-promotion or marketing.  Neil thinks "real" blogs should be about mundane things — like what you had for lunch yesterday or why your ex-boyfriend is a jerk.  

A few months ago, Neil got fed up with all these so-called bloggers that he decided not to call his blog a blog anymore:

"From now on, I will think of "Citizen of the Month" as a "Shpritz."

shpritz:  a short spray of seltzer from a seltzer bottle

Every day, I will write a daily Shpritz.

And like a shpritz from a bottle, a literary shpritz will spray you in the face to get your attention, but it will never, ever stain your clothes.

Good-bye, blog.  Hello, Shpritz."

Neil is always slow to change.  Not only isn’t he on MySpace, like I am, but he doesn’t even own an iPod!  He is what they used to call "a traditionalist."  He thinks blogging should be about expression, not self-promotion.  This doesn’t really surprise me.  Neil is old-fashioned in everything.   For god’s sake, he thinks fucking with "the woman on top" is "getting kinky!"

So, here’s my idea.  Neil has a cold and isn’t going to read his blog again until Saturday; nor is Sophia because the schmuck got her sick too.  I suggest that that we totally hijack this post and comments and fill it with the things he hates the most — self-promotion and marketing. 

Yes, it’s the First Annual April Fool’s Day "Promote Yourself on Neil’s Blog and Annoy the Hell Out of Him."

Do you have a book that’s coming out?  Email me about it.  Or write something about it in the comments.

Do you want people to listen to your songs on MySpace?  Write about it. 

Do you have an online store selling jewelry?  Tell us about it!

Are you looking for a new job?  Promote yourself!

Do you think you would make a great wife?  Tell the men of America what your qualifications are! 

Do you run a sexoholic’s group and are looking for members?  Feel free to spread the word!

Is your son playing a tree in his third grade production of "Oliver!?"  Do you think one of your blog posts is good enough to be in the New Yorker?  Have you invented a new toilet seat?

Promote the hell out of your writing group, your play reading, your up-and-coming clothing line, your breast enlargements, your husband’s new law offices — anything!

Personally, I can’t wait to see Neil’s face on Saturday when he sees that his blog has been hijacked by his own penis! 

Ready for some promotional stuff?  I’ll get the ball rolling by bringing up Pauly D’s new book.

Blogger and comic genius Paul Davidson’s "The Lost Blogs" comes out May 8, 2006.  It sounds like a real winner — a humorous collection of lost "blogs" written by such famous historical figures as Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and Gandhi.   Fellow blogger Kevin Apgar has set up a "Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign" for the book, and you can participate in the fun during the week of April 10-April 14 by writing your blog posts as your historical figure of choice!

Am I actually going to read Pauly’s book?  No fucking way.  I much prefer reading Shakespeare than nonsense like that.  But I’m gonna promote it anyway — just to ANNOY NEIL. 

April Fools, Neilochka!

The Ladies Who Lunch

March 24, 2006 / / 44 Comments

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Dear Megan,

As you know, Sophia and I had tentative plans to meet you — my long-time blogging pal — for lunch today as we passed through Riverside on the way back from Sophia’s interpreting job in San Bernardino.  I apologize for getting a cold this morning and not being able to make it out of apartment.  But even with my sore throat and my Dayquil-induced stupor, I had a bigger concern on my mind — it seems that you and Sophia STILL AGREED to meet for lunch.

WITHOUT ME.  

And you even showed her YOUR HOME.  

And from what I hear, you both GOT ALONG GREAT.  

Now, I am not a jealous person.  This is not the first time that someone has met Sophia and LIKED HER MORE THAN ME.   But this is a special case and it MUST STOP NOW. 

You and Sophia must NOT befriend each other.  If you do, it will be a disaster, not only for me, but for the ENTIRE BLOGOSPHERE.

Let’s put this in perspective.  You and I are BOTH bloggers, so I know you’ll understand of what I speak.  When I write a blog post about my relationship with Sophia, it is always told from my point of view.  This means I am always the innocent victim and Sophia is always the villain.  I’m the cute, lovable one, the guy every female blogger dreams about at night.  Readers from as far away as Malaysia have asked me, "What is wrong with that crazy wife of yours?  Can’t she see that you are the best thing since Hostess Sno-Balls?  If I were there, I would be "taking you" right now on top of the Hollywood sign!"

Can’t you see?  Blogging is the best thing to happen to me since… since… well, the introduction of Hostess Sno-Balls.

Luckily, Sophia does not have a blog to present her side of the story.  Thank God.

But you have a blog.  And we have many of the same readers.   Now imagine Sophia and you become buddy-buddy.  And I write something disparaging about Sophia in some angry blog post.   You read this post, because you never miss a post in your favorite blog, Citizen of the Month, since it is the best thing you’ve ever read since the label of a Hostess… well, you get the point…

But today, you are not happy with my post.  In fact, it outrages you, especially since you just happened to talk to Sophia about this "private issue" during one of your "Sex in the City" type lunches with the girls.  You know, one of those get-together where women reveal EVERY SINGLE THING to each other, something MEN WOULD NEVER DO.

So, now you’re upset and want to protect your "sister" because you feel obligated after taking that "feminism" class in college.   Slowly, I become your enemy.  You start writing gossipy stuff on your blog about me, at first in a subtle way like "I hear from a certain separated wife that a certain citizen’s little "soldier" is having trouble "saluting the troops."  Then, as your sisterhood strengthens, it’s "Good-bye Subtlety!"  All of a sudden, it’s "Newsflash:  Neil at Citizen of the Month Rejected from another Job.  Wife says,"Still Can’t Get it Up!"

Can you imagine the damage that would do to my credibility?  Readers would start doubting everything I write.  And like a set of dominos falling over on a kitchen table, bloggers everywhere would become skeptical of every single blog in the world.   No one would believe what anyone said.  The most frequent blog comments would become "That’s bullshit," "Prove it," and "Let’s hear what the wife has to say!"

Bloggers will stop blogging in fear of ridicule.  Readers will stop lurking in disgust.  The Technorati 100 will drop to the Technorati 1, with only Blogebrity left blogging about itself.  The internet economy will crash… again.  China will invade America and since our ports will be then run by China, the Chinese government will quickly take over our country.   We will all be forced to listen to the awful Chinese disco music they play at that Chinese-owned donut shop on Olympic Boulevard.  The world as we know it will cease to exist…

And this would all be BECAUSE of YOU, MEGAN!

Stop this DISASTER before it becomes a REALITY!

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Attack of the Blogs

January 12, 2006 / / 44 Comments

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Back in November, there was a much-discussed cover story in Forbes by Daniel Lyons titled "Attack of the Blogs."   The article was mostly about how blogs have given a lot of power to "the mob" — meaning us — which can have an adverse effect on business.    Since the explosion of blogging, some disgruntled consumer can start a rumor that can quickly spread around the blogosphere, costing a business millions of dollars.

"Bloggers are more of a threat than people realize, and they are only going to get more toxic. This is the new reality," says Peter Blackshaw, chief marketing officer at Intelliseek, a Cincinnati firm that sifts through millions of blogs to provide watch-your-back service to 75 clients, including Procter & Gamble and Ford. "The potential for brand damage is really high,"says Frank Shaw, executive vice president at Microsoft’s main public relations firm, Waggener Edstrom. "There is bad information out there in the blog space, and you have only hours to get ahead of it and cut it off, especially if it’s juicy."

I was actually sympathizing with these companies, until I read one of the suggestions for businesses to "fight back" against bloggers:

Build a Blog Swarm:  Reach out to key bloggers and get them on your side.  Lavish them with attention.  Or cash.  Earlier this year, Marqui, a tiny Portland, Ore. software shop, began paying 21 bloggers $800 per month to post items about Marqui.

Isn’t that a bit like what Jack Abramoff was doing in Washington?

Why is this OK? 

I actually know someone whose job is to go to online forums and talk excitedly about movies and products to produce "a buzz" —  but acting as if she were a regular person just chatting online. 

I also remember going to a hotel in San Francisco because of a great "review" in TripAdvisor, only to find out that it was written by the manager himself.

So, the internet can be used for good and evil, on both sides.   Despite the potential for abuse, I like the fact that the internet gives Regular Joes and Janes the power to be heard and to speak up against the powers-that-be.    The internet will be a sad place when it is just another outlet for constant advertising and self-promotion. 

Oh right, it’s like that already.

Recently, I thought about blogging about a not-very-nice Los Angeles mattress store, just to embarrass it by publishing its name.  Normally, I would just suck it in.  But having a blog is empowering, it’s like I have my own New York Times.

Here’s the story:

Sophia’s mother and step-father are an older couple who only speak Russian.  For several weekends they asked Sophia and me to help them buy a new mattress for their bedroom, but like most selfish children, we were always too busy (going to movies, playing Texas Hold’em poker, etc.) to help.

"Next week… next week," we said.

Finally, they gave up on us and decided to buy the mattress themselves — at a store on Wilshire near Fairfax in Los Angeles.  When Sophia called them later, she became very upset when she heard that they paid a small fortune for the mattress + 80 bucks for delivery. 

Were they ripped off? 

There was certainly one way to find out.  I went to the store the next day and asked to buy the same mattress.

Can you believe that the salesman offered to sell it to me for a couple of hundred dollars less, with free delivery — without any bargaining at all? 

This was one day later.  There was no sale the day before.

Is this just business as usual — different prices for different people? 

Did he maybe recognize me from my blog and wanted to give me a special "blog deal?"

Or did he just rip off Sophia’s parents, seeing they were an older couple who didn’t speak English?

Of course, I have no proof of this. 

But would it really be so wrong for me to publish the name of this mattress store?  You know, the one on Wilshire near Fairfax in Los Angeles. 

Better than Therapy

December 28, 2005 / / 48 Comments

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I once taking a screenwriting class where the teacher kept on drilling this point into us:

It is not really important what a character says, but what he does.  It is his actions that determine his true "character."

Talk can mask the truth.  It is easy to deceive ourselves.  That’s why some people go into therapy — in order to dig deeper into themselves and learn what really makes them tick.

Well, I’m going to save you some money here.  Forget therapy.  Toss your Prozac.  Do what I did last night, and go through all your blog posts to come up with a list of your "favorite posts" to put on your sidebar.  I used to have my "Most Popular Posts" there, but they were usually the posts I hated the most, about Nicole Richie and anorexic women.   So, now I put up some posts I liked. 

And, really, what better way to analyze your "real" interests in life, than examining what you wrote about all year on your blog?  I recommend that all bloggers do this.

I consider myself a cultured person, so I was a bit shocked that I didn’t write one serious post about a book.  I never brought up poetry, ballet, or art, at least not directly.  I rarely talked about world events.  I made a brief mention of Katrina, and that was it.

90% of my posts were about Sophia, my parents, blogging, Jews, and my penis — not necessarily in that order.  Is this what really occupied my mind in 2005?

What was on your mind during 2005?

Of course, we all change, and 2006 can bring on a whole new set of priorities.  Hopefully, I’ll find a great job and write about my career often — that is until they fire me for blogging about my job.  Maybe I’ll start dating someone new and write about "my dating life." 

Who really knows what the future brings?

Male Voice:  "Uh, excuse me, Neil…"

Neil looks down.  It is his penis, talking to him from inside his pants.

Penis:  "Does this mean you’re not going to talk about me anymore?"

Neil:  Penis, don’t be hurt.  It’s not that I don’t love you.  I just think it’s time to act more mature, especially after all that conflict on Blogebrity.  It’s really not appropriate to write about you online.

Penis:  I thought the whole point of this post was to show "what you were really interested in" during 2005…

Neil:  I have other interests besides sex.  Didn’t I just come back from the Getty Museum, where I saw the exhibit, Painted Prayers: The Book of Hours in Medieval and Renaissance Art?

Penis:  Oh, yeah, right.  Like you were really interested in that.

Neil:  Actually, it was very interesting.  Did you know that for three hundred years, from about 1250 to 1550, the book of hours was the "bestseller" in Europe?

Penis:  Yawn!  Hey, did you notice that Sophia looked really good in that new dress she bought at Macy’s?  Did she lose some weight?  Her ass really looked good.

Neil:  Penis, stop it.   I’m busy now.  I want to blog a little bit about this museum exhibit I just went to.

Penis:  I noticed you took a great deal of interest in that statue of Venus.  Can you imagine how hot it would be to fuck someone from 100 A.D.?

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Neil:  Penis!

Penis:  It’s getting a little uncomfortable and tight down here, Neil.   It would be nice to breathe some fresh air.

Neil:  My mother is downstairs!

Penis:  And Sophia?

Neil:  She’s in the shower.

Penis:  Ha ha ha!  Hmmmm… sexy…. where’s all that blood flowing, Neil?

Neil:  I give up!

Penis:  Just testing you, Neil.  You can try to hide from me, but you know that it is impossible.  Many a man has tried to battle his penis, and few have survived.  You can say all day that you won’t write about me in 2006, but you will.  Mark my words – you will. 

Neil’s Penis turns to you, the reader.

Penis (Cont’d):  Now as Neil washes his face with cold water, let me wish all bloggers out there a Happy New Year from both me and Neil.  We hope that the New Year brings joy and happiness to you and your families.  Happy 2006! 

Today on Blogebrity:  Nicole Does Craigslist:  (Nicole’s Blog)

You Hate Me, You Really Really Hate Me!

December 22, 2005 / / 42 Comments

For a writer to be parodied and mocked is one of the greatest honors.  Or is it?  Although it’s not much of a parody if I’ve already said most of these things about myself. 

This is a post from Douchebrity, an actual new site:

God, I’m So Fucking Brilliant

I was so excited when the folks from Douchebrity asked me to write for them this morning. I thought to myself:

“Now here’s a great opportunity to try and pump my stats and link back to myself constantly”

You see, I spend ALL day refreshing my statcounter. As a matter of fact, my imaginary Ex-Wife that I made up so people wouldn’t think I was a complete loser, has tried to pry my swollen fingers away from the F5 button, to no avail. I can even find it in dark. Cause I like to turn off the lights and look at hot blogging chicks and pretend they might actually be interested in me.

The other day, while my mom was making me noodle koogle, I thought to myself:

“Thank god my female readers don’t look into my archives or else they’d find out the truth about my appearance. Then they’d laugh at me when I try to talk sexy with them in the comment section. Or when I ask to be nominated for the World’s Sexiest Blogger. Or stop cyber-sexing me on AIM. And who are we kidding, that’s the only action I get.”

But that’s what it takes to be a problogger. Technorati’s my real bitch…links, links, links. Say it slowly with me now (hold on while I get out my astroglide) OH YEAH LINKS, OH OH OH PLEASE MORE LINNNNNNKS.

Holy Kishkas, that was good.

by NCramer | No Comments | tags: Penis Envy

Today on Blogebrity:  Personal Blog-a-rama:  Kris’ Best of 2005, The Carnival of the Mundane

Blogging the Big Event

December 21, 2005 / / 37 Comments

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(AP Photo/Julie Jacobson)

A few years back, I was visiting New York when there was a big earthquake in Los Angeles.  Everyone in New York was saying how lucky I was to not be in LA, but I actually felt depressed.  There was finally a big Los Angeles communal event that everyone was invited too — and I missed out.  This feeling of missing out on a big event is not unusual.  I know someone who was out of New York during 9/11 — and has been pissed about this for years.  While most New Yorkers can tell you exactly what they were doing that day, my friend has the embarrassing distinction of being in a hotel room in Denver.  Does it really matter that he was watching the event on a TV in a Denver hotel rather than his Brooklyn apartment?  Apparently, it does.  He can’t tell others the story about "being there."

Things have only intensified with the growth of blogging.  As I was making my rounds of blog-reading today, I noticed that every New York blogger was weighing in with his opinion or experience with the big NYC transit strike.  As is usual now, traditional media has turned to bloggers for "eyewitness accounts" of events such as the transit strike, and have used blog posts in their newspapers.  In fact, I  recently reviewed a book for Blogebrity titled, 2005: Blogged (edited by Tim Worstall), which is a collection of blog posts commenting on the big news events of the year.

I’m jealous of all you New York bloggers who got mentioned in today’s news media because of your blogging about your experience walking from West 76th Street to West 67th Street.   A blogger knows that he only has one chance to strike gold.  Newspapers and TV shows have a deadline to make, and they can’t wait for procrastinating bloggers to perfect their "I was there" post on some news event.  No, it is the blogger that gets there first that gets the media mention.  An ambitious blogger needs to wake up 5AM every morning, and be ready and willing to write a post on any big event that occurs in their city.  You also need to write it fast, especially if you want to be the first one on Technorati with the story. 

My big problem is that I’m lazy.  I don’t like to wake up early.  I procrastinate.  I want the fame and media attention, but I don’t want to work for it.  So, I’ve taken a page from the traditional media in order to ensure that I will always be the first at bat with a hot story.  I will use a technique perfected for decades by obituary writers.  I will pre-write my important posts.  Do you really think that that the NY Times didn’t have their Ronald Reagan obituary ready for publication years before the president actually passed away?  

Despite my flu, today has been a very productive blogging day.  I’ve written about the next big earthquake in Los Angeles and how it brought me closer to my wacky neighbors.  I wrote a very amusing post about my 2006 New Year’s night out.  And 2007.  And 2008.  You are going to be amazed at what I saw at the amazing Opening Ceremonies at the Torino Olympics, and how proud I was to see that one free Iraqi bobsledder enter the stadium.  I especially enjoyed my post about waiting in line all night to be the first to see Daniel Craig as the new James Bond.  All of them are now ready in my draft mode.

Clever, huh?  Can you guess who is going to be first one listed in Technorati when the next LA earthquake hits?  Luckily, my mother is here, so I’ve been preparing her to be my plan B in case of any emergency during an earthquake, such as the power going out or my apartment building collapsing around me.  I will quickly call my mother in New York via cellphone and get her to publish the post for me.

"Mom, it’s easy.  Log in.  Yes, now go into WordPress, just like I showed you.  W-O-R-D-P-R-E-S-S.  Under Manage.  Under Drafts.  Blog… Mom… Blog, not Blodge.  Do you see where there is a post titled "The Big One."  No, not in the comments.  No, I’m not yelling. That’s just a loud aftershock.  Yes, in Posts.  Under Manage.  Mom, are you listening?  Mom, my apartment building is on fire and my upstairs neighbor just fell through the ceiling.  Please pay attention as I try to walk you through this.  I want to be first on Technorati with my personal account of the earthquake!" 

Maybe I should ask my Uncle Milton to be Plan B instead of my mother.

Oh no, am I a Racist Blogger?

November 24, 2005 / / 51 Comments

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Over the last few months, I’ve made quite a few mentions that I was "liberal" while Sophia was "conservative." 

Recently, a reader emailed me:

"You don’t seem very liberal.  You make fun of liberals, but I never hear you make fun of conservatives."

I thought about that, and my reader-friend is right.  For some reason, I find the craziness of the left more amusing that the insanity of the right.   Maybe that’s why there are so many entertaining conservative talk shows, while leftist talk shows are a snooze.  For all their good intentions, many liberals, myself included, are neurotic nuts, particularly in matters of race and ethnicity. 

I might be wrong, but I always thought Dr. King’s vision was of an America where everyone treated each other equally.  In an odd way, I think Sophia is the perfect role model for this vision. 

Recently, we were driving on the San Diego Freeway, when a car cut us off so abruptly – we almost collided. 

Sophia flashed her lights at the car and screamed out, "Asshole!." 

"Don’t say that," I said.

"Why not?  He is a f***ing asshole."

Exactly… why not? 

Sophia looked at me, knowingly.  She knew.  She knew my wimpy, liberal, guilty, condescending face very well. 

You see, the driver was an African-American.

Maybe I didn’t think about it consciously, but inside, my mind was blabbing on with all sorts of liberal mind games:

"He’s a black guy.  Maybe he came from a broken family.  Maybe he’s had it tough growing up in Compton.  Maybe he got beat up by the LAPD.   Maybe as a teenager in the hood, he was ostracized by his friends when they found a George Michael CD in his car."

Of course, it didn’t occur to me to look at the reality of the situation.   We were driving a Hyundai.  He was driving a Lexus.   It’s quite possible that this guy grew up in Beverly Hills.  He did cut us off.  He was an asshole. 

Would I have worried so much if this guy was white?  Would I happily have called this guy the "asshole" he really was?   I thought back to everything I read about the meaning of liberal in the 1960s and 70s.  Wasn’t the original point supposed to be that we fuck each other (in a pleasurable way) and become one huge happy human family?   Today, it seems as though liberals are the ones always bringing up race and keeping everyone apart.  Why not take a page from the conservative book and think of everyone as an individual first?

I bring this up, because in the last two weeks, I’ve picked up a whole bunch of new readers.   Many of them came from new friends who are black and Asian.  At first, I didn’t even think about this.  I mean, in the blogging world, who really thinks about what anyone else looks like?  That’s what makes online friendships so cool.  All that cultural stuff disappears.  In fact, my real name could be Maria Gonzalez and you would never know the truth.

However, because I’ve been meeting so many new people,  I’ve decided to revamp my blogroll and organize it in a new way.  Look at it in the right sidebar — it’s a mess.   

But then last night, I had some trouble sleeping as I began thinking like a guilty liberal.

"I wonder if all my new readers are wondering why I haven’t put them on my blogroll.  Are they talking to each other?  Are they saying, "He certainly has quite a few "white folks" on his blogroll.  Why all of a sudden is there no room for African-Americans and Asians on the list?  Does his "citizenship" of the month really extend to all groups?  Or is he… a racist blogger?!  In fact, the only times he ever mentions blacks or Asians is when he talks about corrupt Nigerian bishops and his obsession with Chinese food."

In the crowd I interact with, there is nothing worse than being called a racist.  It is the worst insult possible, even lower that dissing a person’s mother.  I could not face the barista in my local Starbucks where I sometimes write my posts if he thought I was a racist blogger.

So, to all my new African-American and Asian friends, let me make it clear:

I love you. 

Be patient as I fix my blogroll.  I am not a racist blogger.   In fact, I look forward to flirting with women of all races on this blog. 

I’m going to try to learn from Sophia and not be afraid to treat you any better or worse just because of your race or ethncity.  In fact, that means I might actually call one of you an "asshole" very soon. 

But, understand, I will be saying that with LOVE.

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Neilochka’s Favorite Things 2005

November 19, 2005 / / 89 Comments

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Welcome, readers.  I know you are here today thinking that this is just another one of my run-of-the-mill blog posts, but you are in for a…

BIG SURPRISE. 

(Hopeful gasp from readership)

In honor of Oprah’s annual over-the-top consumer-fest, Oprah’s Favorite Things 2005, which airs on Monday, I would like to introduce the first annual:

Neilochka’s Favorite Things, 2005! 

(Readers cheer wildly)

With the holiday season approaching, I want to offer some great gift-giving ideas.  But even more importantly, I want to say THANKS to all the new friends that I have made through this blog this year.

So, here it goes.  And remember, most of you will be walking away with GIFTS OF YOUR OWN!

(Readers get up and go crazy)

1) 

First up, I would like to thank you all for being such an intelligent and witty group.  When I first read you all, I visualized you as being very suave and sophisticated.  Unfortunately, I met a few of you and my image of you was quickly destroyed.  Some of you dress like real schlubs.  To rectify this, I would like to introduce my first favorite thing in the hopes that you will now start to dress as fashionably as you blog. 

Yes, I am talking about your very own ‘I Love Blogging" trucker hat!

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"I Love Blogging" trucker hats for everyone!

(Readers start chanting, "Neilochka!  Neilochka!  Rah Rah Rah!")

2) 

How many times have your rushed off to work and forgot to read the latest "Citizen of the Month" post? Sure, you can read it later or at work.  But wouldn’t you enjoy the post more when it is hot and fresh off the presses?  The answer is better time management.  For that, you need a timepiece that will always remind you when my latest post is up, and that will always be on Pacific Time.  Yes, you are some of the first people in the world to see my new "exclusive" line of watches that  I personally designed with Sophia’s assistance. 

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Yes, it is the "Citizen" brand of watches!   Each of you gets a choice of three of the finest watches made in the world!

(Readers scream in joy.  Several women take off their tops and wave their hard-to-unhook-bras in the air)

3) 

Many of you know that I have a special bond with my female readers.  I have never met a group of women who are as smart and sexy as you.  I feel I owe you a special thanks for all your love and support.  To show you my love, I’d like each of you to have another one of my favorite things of this year:  exact replicas of the $3.99 bouquet of slightly wilted flowers that I bought Sophia in an earlier post!

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(Several female readers faint.  Akaky has to give mouth-to-mouth to Tatyana)

4)

Speaking of Sophia, as my editor, she frequently calls me up to tell me that my post really sucked that day.  Sometimes, to better put her point across, she swears at me in Russian, a language known for its elaborate curses.   As a talented interpreter, actress and Russian dialect coach, Ms. Sophia Lansky knows all the proper curses in this extremely expressive language.  The English language is like Wimpsville  compared to Russian.   In English, it is considered inflammatory to say "Your mother!"  In Russian, they say, "Your mother like this and that, up, down, and around, and their mother, and seven coffins, too!"    Maybe because of Russia’s sad history, coffins are big in Russian.  You just don’t say, "F–k your mother!"  You say "F–k your mother through seven gates while whistling… and in her coffin!"  

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not big on cursing, so I’m been trying to catch up to Sophia by studying this book "Dermo!: The Real Russian Tolstoy Never Used!"  It is definitely one of my favorites this year.  If you always dreamed of cursing like a Russian sailor, this is the book for you.   A copy for everyone!

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(Readers cheer for Sophia.  Some male reader, drunk on vodka, reads from his new book and screams out to Sophia, calling her a "smokin’ hot piece of stuffed cabbage" in Russian.)

5) 

I’d like to give a special thank you to all my my anorexic readers.  It is your commitment to your unhealthy lifestyle that made my crappiest post into the most popular one.   Without you, I wouldn’t have my photos of Nicole Richie hot-linked all over the blogosphere.    You are the ones who made this site what it is today — not much.

What?  Is that a special guest I see coming it?  Yes, it is Nicole Richie herself!  And she is bringing each and every "Ana" site reader one of my favorite things — an In-N-Out burger from California’s best hamburger chain!

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(The Ana women would cheer, but most of them are too busy stuffing their faces with their first meal all  week and then running out to throw up)

6) 

Finally, I want to turn my attention to those who are most in need.  Because that’s what the Holidays are all about. 

I am talking to you, SHORT MEN.  

You have been nothing short of miraculous. You are another group of loyal readers, although you never read anything other than this one post about yourselves.  But I feel bad for you.  For months, my female readers have been shooting you down, saying that a man’s height is more important than anything else.  I know many of you feel insecure about your height.  That’s why I want to give  you the most important gift of all — your self esteem back.   This is truly my most favorite thing of 2005 — and it is not a consumer product.  It is the knowledge that in matters of love and romance, a man’s height is not the most important thing.   There are many ways to a woman’s heart, even when a man is short…

NSFW… click here

On the Radio

November 16, 2005 / / 43 Comments

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At first, Sophia used to make fun of my blogging, calling it "a waste of your time" as if my old habit of sitting around watching three straight hours of "Lingo" every night on the Game Show Network was useful experience.  Gradually, she began to accept my blogging, seeing I didn’t complain as much about my dull life. 

Sophia has become the greatest advocate of my blog.  She is a frequent inspiration for my posts.  She edits my posts.   And more recently, she has become my Public Relations person.  With all this help, you’d think we’d still be together.  But this just shows how generous a person Sophia is — and how desperate she is for me to finally make a normal living.

When I wrote a post about a Jewish celebrity seminar in New York, Sophia actually sent an email to the New York Times.   The NEW YORK TIMES!  Can you imagine that?

"Hey, New York Times, the most important newspaper in the country, you should read Neilochka’s post on Leonard Nimoy being Jewish."

No response.

When I wrote a post about a mash-up of Jane Austen and the Pussycat Dolls, Sophia emailed Entertainment Weekly.

"Hey, Entertainment Weekly, big-time magazine of the Time-Warner empire, you should read Neilochka’s post on Jane Austen and the Pussycat Dolls!"

No response.

Yesterday, Sophia told me that she sent a link to my "Dating for Liberals" post to some conservative Los Angeles morning talk show host.

"There’s no way he’s going to talk about that dumb post."

"I think he will.  It’s funny AND it makes fun of liberals."

"That wasn’t my intention."

"But it does.  It must be my good influence.  I bet you he talks about it."

This morning, I’m going through my blogroll, like I do every morning, when I get a phone call from Sophia, who’s driving to work.

"Turn on your radio to 1240 AM!"

"I’m busy.  I’m reading some blog about someone having sex for the first time in a year."

"Turn on your radio to 1240 AM!  The guy I sent your link to just said "Right after the commercial, I want to tell you about this fascinating blog I just learned about."  Turn on your radio now.  Can you believe it?  I’ve never heard him talk about blogs before, ever, so it must be about your blog!  Hurry."

I hung up and quickly rushed… well, I wasn’t sure where to rush.  Who has an AM radio in their house anymore?  I grabbed my cellphone and bolted outside in my underwear, running into my parked car.  I turned on the radio.  I called up a friend who lives nearby.

"Gary!"

"Huh?  What time is it?  I’m still sleeping."

"Gary, turn on 1240 AM on the radio!  They’re gonna talk about my blog!"

"What the hell…?!"

"Shhhh…"

The commercial was ending.  The talk show host was back.

"And now I want to talk to all of you about this incredible blog I just read…"

"Hold on…this is about me…" I said to Gary, as the talk show host proceeded to talk about…

……………………………………………………………………………………………

……………………………………………………………………………………………

……………………………………………………………………………………………

…two teenagers who just killed their parents and wrote about it in their blog.

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