2005 Archives - Citizen of the Month

I once taking a screenwriting class where the teacher kept on drilling this point into us:

It is not really important what a character says, but what he does. It is his actions that determine his true "character."

Talk can mask the truth. It is easy to deceive ourselves. That’s why some people go into therapy — in order to dig deeper into themselves and learn what really makes them tick.

Well, I’m going to save you some money here. Forget therapy. Toss your Prozac. Do what I did last night, and go through all your blog posts to come up with a list of your "favorite posts" to put on your sidebar. I used to have my "Most Popular Posts" there, but they were usually the posts I hated the most, about Nicole Richie and anorexic women. So, now I put up some posts I liked.

And, really, what better way to analyze your "real" interests in life, than examining what you wrote about all year on your blog? I recommend that all bloggers do this.

I consider myself a cultured person, so I was a bit shocked that I didn’t write one serious post about a book. I never brought up poetry, ballet, or art, at least not directly. I rarely talked about world events. I made a brief mention of Katrina, and that was it.

90% of my posts were about Sophia, my parents, blogging, Jews, and my penis — not necessarily in that order. Is this what really occupied my mind in 2005?

What was on your mind during 2005?

Of course, we all change, and 2006 can bring on a whole new set of priorities. Hopefully, I’ll find a great job and write about my career often — that is until they fire me for blogging about my job. Maybe I’ll start dating someone new and write about "my dating life."

Who really knows what the future brings?

Male Voice: "Uh, excuse me, Neil…"

Neil looks down. It is his penis, talking to him from inside his pants.

Penis: "Does this mean you’re not going to talk about me anymore?"

Neil: Penis, don’t be hurt. It’s not that I don’t love you. I just think it’s time to act more mature, especially after all that conflict on Blogebrity. It’s really not appropriate to write about you online.

Penis: I thought the whole point of this post was to show "what you were really interested in" during 2005…

Neil: I have other interests besides sex. Didn’t I just come back from the Getty Museum, where I saw the exhibit, Painted Prayers: The Book of Hours in Medieval and Renaissance Art?

Penis: Oh, yeah, right. Like you were really interested in that.

Neil: Actually, it was very interesting. Did you know that for three hundred years, from about 1250 to 1550, the book of hours was the "bestseller" in Europe?

Penis: Yawn! Hey, did you notice that Sophia looked really good in that new dress she bought at Macy’s? Did she lose some weight? Her ass really looked good.

Neil: Penis, stop it. I’m busy now. I want to blog a little bit about this museum exhibit I just went to.

Penis: I noticed you took a great deal of interest in that statue of Venus. Can you imagine how hot it would be to fuck someone from 100 A.D.?

Neil: Penis!

Penis: It’s getting a little uncomfortable and tight down here, Neil. It would be nice to breathe some fresh air.

Neil: My mother is downstairs!

Penis: And Sophia?

Neil: She’s in the shower.

Penis: Ha ha ha! Hmmmm… sexy…. where’s all that blood flowing, Neil?

Neil: I give up!

Penis: Just testing you, Neil. You can try to hide from me, but you know that it is impossible. Many a man has tried to battle his penis, and few have survived. You can say all day that you won’t write about me in 2006, but you will. Mark my words – you will.

Neil’s Penis turns to you, the reader.

Penis (Cont’d): Now as Neil washes his face with cold water, let me wish all bloggers out there a Happy New Year from both me and Neil. We hope that the New Year brings joy and happiness to you and your families. Happy 2006!

Today on Blogebrity: Nicole Does Craigslist: (Nicole’s Blog)

Welcome, readers. I know you are here today thinking that this is just another one of my run-of-the-mill blog posts, but you are in for a…

BIG SURPRISE.

(Hopeful gasp from readership)

In honor of Oprah’s annual over-the-top consumer-fest, Oprah’s Favorite Things 2005, which airs on Monday, I would like to introduce the first annual:

Neilochka’s Favorite Things, 2005!

(Readers cheer wildly)

With the holiday season approaching, I want to offer some great gift-giving ideas. But even more importantly, I want to say THANKS to all the new friends that I have made through this blog this year.

So, here it goes. And remember, most of you will be walking away with GIFTS OF YOUR OWN!

(Readers get up and go crazy)

First up, I would like to thank you all for being such an intelligent and witty group. When I first read you all, I visualized you as being very suave and sophisticated. Unfortunately, I met a few of you and my image of you was quickly destroyed. Some of you dress like real schlubs. To rectify this, I would like to introduce my first favorite thing in the hopes that you will now start to dress as fashionably as you blog.

Yes, I am talking about your very own ‘I Love Blogging" trucker hat!

"I Love Blogging" trucker hats for everyone!

(Readers start chanting, "Neilochka! Neilochka! Rah Rah Rah!")

How many times have your rushed off to work and forgot to read the latest "Citizen of the Month" post? Sure, you can read it later or at work. But wouldn’t you enjoy the post more when it is hot and fresh off the presses? The answer is better time management. For that, you need a timepiece that will always remind you when my latest post is up, and that will always be on Pacific Time. Yes, you are some of the first people in the world to see my new "exclusive" line of watches that I personally designed with Sophia’s assistance.

Yes, it is the "Citizen" brand of watches! Each of you gets a choice of three of the finest watches made in the world!

(Readers scream in joy. Several women take off their tops and wave their hard-to-unhook-bras in the air)

Many of you know that I have a special bond with my female readers. I have never met a group of women who are as smart and sexy as you. I feel I owe you a special thanks for all your love and support. To show you my love, I’d like each of you to have another one of my favorite things of this year: exact replicas of the $3.99 bouquet of slightly wilted flowers that I bought Sophia in an earlier post!

(Several female readers faint. Akaky has to give mouth-to-mouth to Tatyana)

Speaking of Sophia, as my editor, she frequently calls me up to tell me that my post really sucked that day. Sometimes, to better put her point across, she swears at me in Russian, a language known for its elaborate curses. As a talented interpreter, actress and Russian dialect coach, Ms. Sophia Lansky knows all the proper curses in this extremely expressive language. The English language is like Wimpsville compared to Russian. In English, it is considered inflammatory to say "Your mother!" In Russian, they say, "Your mother like this and that, up, down, and around, and their mother, and seven coffins, too!" Maybe because of Russia’s sad history, coffins are big in Russian. You just don’t say, "F–k your mother!" You say "F–k your mother through seven gates while whistling… and in her coffin!"

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not big on cursing, so I’m been trying to catch up to Sophia by studying this book "Dermo!: The Real Russian Tolstoy Never Used!" It is definitely one of my favorites this year. If you always dreamed of cursing like a Russian sailor, this is the book for you. A copy for everyone!

(Readers cheer for Sophia. Some male reader, drunk on vodka, reads from his new book and screams out to Sophia, calling her a "smokin’ hot piece of stuffed cabbage" in Russian.)

I’d like to give a special thank you to all my my anorexic readers. It is your commitment to your unhealthy lifestyle that made my crappiest post into the most popular one. Without you, I wouldn’t have my photos of Nicole Richie hot-linked all over the blogosphere. You are the ones who made this site what it is today — not much.

What? Is that a special guest I see coming it? Yes, it is Nicole Richie herself! And she is bringing each and every "Ana" site reader one of my favorite things — an In-N-Out burger from California’s best hamburger chain!

(The Ana women would cheer, but most of them are too busy stuffing their faces with their first meal all week and then running out to throw up)

Finally, I want to turn my attention to those who are most in need. Because that’s what the Holidays are all about.

I am talking to you, SHORT MEN.

You have been nothing short of miraculous. You are another group of loyal readers, although you never read anything other than this one post about yourselves. But I feel bad for you. For months, my female readers have been shooting you down, saying that a man’s height is more important than anything else. I know many of you feel insecure about your height. That’s why I want to give you the most important gift of all — your self esteem back. This is truly my most favorite thing of 2005 — and it is not a consumer product. It is the knowledge that in matters of love and romance, a man’s height is not the most important thing. There are many ways to a woman’s heart, even when a man is short…

NSFW… click here