Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Blogging and the Internet (Page 3 of 57)

The Ninth Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert

November 15, 2014 / / 49 Comments

holiday concert

It is time for the announcement of the Ninth Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, all new, all exciting for 2014!

Nine years!  Can you believe it?

Here are the past blockbuster concerts —

2006  2007  2008  2009  2010  2011  2012 2013

This year’s concert will take place on December 18, 2014 right here on this blog.

It is time to hear YOU PERFORM!   YOU are the CONCERT.  That gives you about a month to work your magic.

Sign up in the comments today.

Concert FAQ:

1.  Create a video (or audio) file of you performing a holiday song.  If you need technical help, ask me.

2.  You must be performing in the audio or video.   Don’t cheat and have your cute kids doing all the work.

3.  You can sing, play an instrument, recite poetry, dance the Nutcracker, or write a symphony.

4.  Once completed, post the video on a place like YouTube and send me the link.   Or just send me the file via Dropbox or email, and I will post it on YouTube.   Try to get me all files and links by Tuesday, December 16, 2014, two days before the concert!  That gives you plenty of time to be creative.

5.  If you are too wimpy to sing a song, send me a holiday photo for concert decoration.  It could be of your tree, menorah, or plain ol’ winter solstice if you are a heathen.

6.  The comment section is the sign-up sheet.    By signing up, we can see who is performing what, so we can avoid having ten versions of “Let it Go.”

7.  Most importantly — don’t be intimidated if you can’t sing.    We like to laugh at you.

Join us in the longest-running holiday concert online – The Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, now in it’s ninth season!

If There Were “Links” in Real Conversations

September 3, 2014 / / 19 Comments

Tom’s Coffee Shop, near Columbia University. This morning. I am sitting with my two old college buddies, Barry and Rob. Just like we used to do in the past.

Neil: It’s so great to sit down with you both in a real coffee shop, and just talk. I’ve missed our talks together, like back in college. Now all we do is talk to each other on Facebook, never face to face.

Barry: It’s great to hang out with you again, Neil.

Rob: You said that you wanted to talk to us about something, Neil?

Neil: Yeah. Well, it’s more like sharing something.

Barry: Sure.

Rob: We’re here for you.

Neil: I just feel a little sad lately. Like it’s finally hitting me, I’m alone. Like I’ve finally moved on from Sophia or Juli, but yet I really haven’t moved on at all.

Barry: So, are you depressed?

Neil: I don’t know if it is depression. I don’t know, maybe.

Barry: Have you ever read the Bloggess? She writes about depression.

Rob: Yeah, depression lies.

Neil: Yeah, yeah. I’ve read her. But that’s a different type of depression.

Rob: Here’s a link to one of her posts.

Neil: Yeah, yeah. I’m just not really in the mood to read the Bloggess right now.

Rob: She’s so funny. I love her last post. It’s not about depression. It’s about ten words that sound like vagina. It’s just so funny. Here’s the link.

Neil: Not in the mood for funny today.

Barry: You know, the best thing ever written on depression is by Allie Brosh from Hyperbole and A Half. Here’s the link.

Neil: Again, I’m not sure it’s depression. And I don’t want to read anything. Just hang out with you guys. Have a real connection. I already spend too much time online.

Barry: I hear you. Everyone only shows a façade on social media, avoiding real interaction. Here’s the link to an op-ed in Slate Magazine suggesting that Facebook makes all of us jealous and unhappy.

Rob: I read that op-ed. She’s a Luddite. You need to check out this link on Wired magazine to learn that there are no fundamental differences between friendships online or offline. There’s a pop-up in the link, but just ignore it.

Neil: Maybe I’ll never find love again. I mean I know it’s not true, but I feel it in my gut.

Barry: Your story would Juli would make an excellent memoir or Modern Romance piece in the New York Times.  Have you seen the Modern Romance submission page?  Here’s the link.

Rob: Actually, I read that romance stories are not selling that well in the Publishers Weekly, unless it is YA or a sci-fi twist. Here’s the link.

Some guy at the next booth turns around.

Guy: I don’t want to interrupt, but since I am overhearing your conversation, but I’m not listening very closely, I just wanted to tell you that I’m on a date right now, my fifth date since breaking up with my wife of 15 years, and here’s a link to my article in the Huffington Post “How I Got Back Into My Groove After 15 Years of Marriage.” Let me give you that link again, in case it was wrong the first time.

Barry: I never go to the Huffington Post after I read how they treat their writers. Here’s a link to an article in Gawker from one of their former writers.

Rob: Oh, I love that writer. He’s also an excellent photographer. Here’s a link to his Instagram account.

Neil: I know you guys are trying to help. But I just want to hear what you think. I just miss our talks at Columbia. The way we used to share thing with each other.

Barry: I miss our days in college, too.

Neil: Did you see the story from Columbia about that student who is carrying around a mattress as an art project to shame her rapist? Shocking how irresponsible the administration has become making the campus safe for women. Here’s the link.

Rob: The world has gone mad. And no one expresses it better than Chuck Wendig at Terribleminds.com. Here’s the link.

Neil: Do you ever have this feeling, that your heart is breaking? That love is slipping away, like time…

The waiter approaches.

Waiter: I’m Joseph, your waiter, but before I take your order, I’d like to tell that your heart breaking is inconsequential when compared to the broken rubble of the victims of the Israeli genocide in Gaza, or the broken spirits of colored people in this country who face police brutality every day. You can educate yourself on my blog at this link. Now, would anyone like to hear about our specials of the day?

Internet Thoughts #1 — How to Respond to Stupidity

August 15, 2014 / / 8 Comments

We all are apt to say stupid or contentious things at some part of our internet lives. What should be the best policy for dealing with it? What makes the internet a better place?

Let’s come up an example.

I come home from a bad date, drunk and angry, and I write some insulting message on Facebook, “All women care about is money. Especially Canadian women. They’re the worst.”

Don’t worry. I didn’t really say that. Whether I believe it or not about our friends to the North — you will never know. But pretend I DID write this on Facebook. And this pisses you off. A lot. How would you respond, and which method makes for a better internet?

1) You immediately unfriend me.

2) You make the public comment, “Neil, are you drunk?”

3) You make the public comment, “Neil, as a Canadian woman I can assure you that this is false, and I am insulted by your comment.”

4) You DM me and ask, “Neil, are you drunk?”

5) You DM me and ask, “”Neil, as a Canadian woman I can assure you that this is false, and I am insulted by your comment.”

6) You write a public vaguebooking message of you own, some “The hatred of all things Canadian is alive and well tonight on the airwaves. I wish I could shove some poutine up this guy’s scrawny ass!”

7) You write a public blogpost, calling the person out, “Neil Kramer is a blogger in New York. He has a small brain and a small dick. He also knows nothing about women. Or Canada. Here’s why and here is his blog…”

8) You ignore it.

Which would be your approach? Which approach is best for the internet?   Does it all depend on our level of friendship with the writer?

Find Your Tribes

August 8, 2014 / / 9 Comments

venn1

Last weekend’s blogging conference was colored by the Gaza conflict that played out on my hotel TV at night.   It put me on edge.   The social media lingo used at the conference suddenly seemed more militaristic than intended.  Words like”Followers” and “Following,” gave me images of soldiers and commanders.  Even the expression “ally” (Feminist Allies, LGBT Allies) had the unfortunate association with the first and second World Wars (Allies and Axis).

But I had the most discomfort with the oft-repeated mantra of “Find Your Tribe.”

At first glance, “Find Your Tribe,” is good advice for a blogger or writer, especially for a newbie searching for a niche, but this year, I was unable to hear this word without also hearing “tribalism.”  Why were we telling others to find their tribe, when the very concept involves exclusion?  Aren’t 98% of all wars about disagreeing tribes bumping heads?

When I arrived at JFK on Monday,  there was a giant TV at the American Airlines gate.   CNN was reporting on the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas, brokered by Egypt. I sighed with a relief, not only sickened by the violence, but also the nastiness that I saw online.

It was midnight and the taxi line was short.   Within five minutes, I was on my way.   My taxi driver was a bearded young man with hair as black as shoe polish. His steering wheel bore the colors of the Palestinian flag.  His first name was Mohammed.

“Where you heading?” he asked.

I told him the address.

“By that KOSHER supermarket, right?” he asked.

“Uh, yes.” I mumbled.

The cab was dark inside.  I was in the back seat, my computer bag at my feet.  A pungent air freshener was hanging from the rear view mirror, swaying to the bumps on the Van Wyck Expressway.   I heard a faint speaking from the front, some Arabic, but mostly English.   At first, I thought it was the radio, but as I leaned in, I could see Mohammed speaking into a headset.   He glanced at me in the rear view mirror, but was too involved in his conversation to notice me eavesdropping.  I bent over to look into my computer bag, but the real intention was to listen more closely.

“Is he there with you now?  Will you see him again?” whispered Mohammed into his headset. “No, I’m not jealous. Are you jealous of me? Will you tell me if you do it with him? I just did it that once. I told you about it. But she was nothing like you. You turn me into an animal. Come visit. OK, tomorrow. Will you think about me tonight? I will think about you, all night. When I am in bed. I have to go. I have a customer.”

Mohammed stopped talking. There was silence as the cab moved onto the Grand Central. I’m normally shy and never speak to strangers, but I had an insatiable need to talk to this driver, to learn more about his story. I took the risk.

“There used to be this TV show called Taxicab Confessions,” I told him.  “On the show, cabbies would listen in to their customers as they talk about their personal lives, but I think this is the first time a customer has ever listened in on the taxi driver.”

Mohammed laughed.

“Oh, you heard me speaking to Abal.  Sweet Abal.”

Mohammed proceeded to tell me the story of Abal, his lover in Germany, and their “open relationship.”   The trouble began when Mohammed started seeing a woman in Brooklyn on Friday nights, who was smart, and had a good job, be she couldn’t compare to the”wild cat moves” of sweet sweet Abal.

“Where did you fly in from?” he asked, changing the conversation, as if it wasn’t polite for a driver to talk so much without reciprocating the interest.

“California,” I said.

“Was there a woman there?” he asked, grinning

“Women.”

I’m not going to reveal the rest of the conversation, but let’s just say that straight men of all color, creeds, and religions have more in common than previously thought, with similar passions and frustrations with the opposite sex.

The fighting in the Middle East never came up, nothing about religious or national tribalism, nothing about Israel or the Arab world, Muslims or Jews.   Instead, we focused on a common Tribe between us — “Single Guys Dealing with Women.”   Why do we always go for our differences rather than our similarities.   I’m sure if I continued my conversation with Mohammed we would have discovered more common tribes — “New Yorkers,” “iPhone owners, “Men who Put Air Freshener in their Cars.”

Telling others to “find your tribe” — as if we each have only one tribe that becomes our identity — is bad advice.   It is simplistic.   It breeds isolation and zealotry.    It’s better to say, “Find Your TRIBES (in the plural).”

We live in an overlapping Venn Diagram of tribes, where one person can be Christian, an American, A Kansan, a Writer, a Father, A Democrat, a Juggler, and a Stamp Collector.   By suggesting that people find their TRIBES, rather than their TRIBE, we are sending the positive message to our friends to focus on the concentric circles of connection, which builds compassion and empathy,  rather than the myopic view of tribalism.

I doubt Mohammed and I are ever going to be friends, or if I will ever see him again. I’m sure we have tribes in common, and many that disagree.  But by acknowledging that we are ALL a multitude of Tribes, interlocking circles on the Venn diagram of life, we remind ourselves that the only true Tribe is everyone.

Singing Cabaret

August 2, 2014 / / 3 Comments

I’m not big on crowds.  My experiences with conferences tend to revolve around hanging with one or two people who I strongly connect with for one reason or another.   This year, at BlogHer, that person was JC, the Animated Woman.  Besides driving with her to San Jose from Los Angeles, we did a little sightseeing in LA after the conference, including a visit to this weird Hollywood store filled with old Hollywood props.  Last night, I made this appropriately weird little slideshow movie for her to watch on her flight back to Montreal.

BlogHer ’14

July 28, 2014 / / 65 Comments

blogher14

First the positive.   The sessions were interesting.  The Voices of the Year reading was one of the best yet.   Standing ovation good.   This year honored 10 years of BlogHer, and the atmosphere was celebratory.  There was a feeling of nostalgia in the air, combined with an openness and hopefulness towards the future of the internet.

San Jose is a mellow city (even a little dull), but I liked it as a locale for a conference.   Sure, New York and Chicago are more exciting, but this year attendees stayed around and participated rather than running around town for sightseeing opportunities.   The final party, outside in the warm California sun, was fun, and felt like clubbing in the classiest McDonald’s in the world (they were the sponsor of the event).

I was honored to be part of a Pathfinder session on Becoming a Visual Artist. It was the fourth time that I had been involved in a session (Storytelling with Amy, Blogging with Elan and Laurie, Fiction Writing as a Writing Lab, and now photography with Lucrecer).

Now the negative.  No, let me rephrase it.  It isn’t negative. It is just change. And the change is not BlogHer, but ME.

I felt less personally invested in the blogging community than in previous years.  Is it the result of my interest in mobile photography?  Do photographers become aloof from the world, acting more as observers than participants? I didn’t even dance at the final party, always one of my highlights, instead choosing to photograph the OTHERS dancing.

Perhaps the disengagement is a natural reaction to a once small world that is now part of a bigger media world.  Everyone now has a reason for their blog, whether to “help others” or get on TV.   Whatever happened to just starting a blog because you are crazy, lonely, and neurotic?

I think back at how emotional unstable I WAS in the past, especially during previous BlogHers.

At my first conference, I tripped at the Chicago Sheraton registration line as I met Elan (Schmutzie) for the first time, tears in my eyes, as if she was some character I had been reading about in a book and had suddenly materialized as a living, breathing person.   As if she was Harry Potter, and Harry Potter wanted to meet too!

This year, at BlogHer,  Elan and I hugged on the last day, our suitcases trailing after us.   We apologized for hardly speaking during the entire conference. We were too busy with our own sessions.

“Eh, no big deal,” I said.   I’ll see you on Facebook later.”   This is not something I could… or would…. say eight years ago.

One of my highlights of BlogHer 2009 has nothing to do with the sessions.  It was me bitching to Jenny (the Bloggess) and Tanis (Redneck Mommy)  for what seemed like an hour about this “Blogging with Integrity” campaign started by the “evil” Liz (Mom 101) and others.   I have no idea why I was so passionate about this topic at the time, but I was sure that everyone putting side banners on their blog saying “I Blog With Integrity” would destroy Blogging as We Know It.   It was as if Joseph McCarthy had taken over the blogosphere.   Now, I just laugh at myself for acting so weird.

Tanis wasn’t at BlogHer this year, focusing on her family.   Liz wasn’t there either.   Jenny WAS there, but mostly in the capacity of the best-selling author of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.”

The line was so long to see her at the book-signing that I said, “Eh, I’ll just see her on Facebook later.”   This was becoming my motif.

Does the name BlogHer make sense anymore?   Maybe they should rename it FacebookHer. Or SocialMediaHer.

Sure, there were SESSIONS on blogging, but I had very few personal conversations about blogging.   I had interesting discussions about publishing, race in America,  using Pinterest, and the cheekbones of Kerry Washington, the TV actress who was also one of the keynotes. I think we still use blogs as a tool, but are frankly bored about talking about it.

OK, enough ranting.   My new aim in life is to become a positive person, like that woman I met at lunch who handed me her business card that read “Positivist Entrepreneur.”

I had a great time this year.   I met so many new people, not to win more “followers,” but to understand why the hell anyone would waste their time starting a blog in 2014 rather than just write for the Huffington Post.

A lot of the newbies I met were much younger than the typical mom blogger  (I mean, “they could be my daughter” young), and it made me feel kinda old. One kind woman in her early twenties came up to me and said that she was honored to meet me because “she was a big fan of my work on Instagram.”  She addressed me as Mr. Kramer.  I choked on my coffee.

I got many compliments on my new designer jeans that I bought two weeks ago at Nordstrom.  I wore them every day of the conference.   But I didn’t get laid.  San Jose is just too hot for any hanky panky.

I missed having a roommate.  I’m a yenta at heart.   I like gossiping until late night with Sarah or Marty.

As usual, I heard a lot of talk about hits and followers and platform.  I had a nice conversation with a popular fashion blogger until I mentioned that my comments and visits to my blog were half of what they were only three years ago, and she took off as fast as if I had just announced that I had syphilis.

There were whispers and rumors that this might be the last year of the big BlogHer conference, and that the organization would focus instead on the niche-conferences dedicated to food and business and politics. I hope it isn’t true. The annual BlogHer conference has become an important ritual for me.

But if the co-founders decide to change direction, I would understand.  A conference that appeals to personal writers, political activists, business women, and coupon moms ALL AT THE SAME TIME is hard to maintain forever.  Splitting up by tribe and demographic might be the way of future.

It might even be good for me.    BlogHer has been extremely kind to be, taking me into their, uh, bosom, as one of their own.   But it has never been my authentic “tribe.”   If the annual conference ends, it might feel to me like a parent kicking their deadbeat artist son out into the real world to get a job.  And maybe it is time to stop caring about BLOGGING as some sort of spiritual or personal journey, or as a social or radical act, and focus on it as a way to advance my career.   Because THAT is blogging 2014.

Thanks to everyone I met this year, both old and new friends.   And thank you for BlogHer for being such a class act.

Special thanks to JC and SueBob who made the long road trip back and forth from Los Angeles into one of the highlights of the weekend, even though we never sang any songs.

20 Minutes on IM #4: With Jana

June 19, 2014 / / 13 Comments

Tonight, on Facebook messenger, with Jana of Jana’s Thinking Place.

Neil
Ok, you ready?

Jana
Ready ::clears throat::

Neil
Ok, preamble… this will all go on record…. unless you politely tell me to strike something….

Jana
OK.

Neil
We will go on 20 minutes. You don’t have to be interesting.

Jana
pfft

Neil
Very few read this anyway.

Jana
Ha. Do it.

Neil
OK. Let’s start. Hi, Jana.

Jana
Hi, Neil. Thanks for inviting me to talk.

Neil
I know I am supposed to be making believe that I am talking to you without the others listening in, but I should put some context into this — you just started a new job. So now I’m gonna ask, how’s the new job? Oh, crap. Re-do. I didn’t have to break the fourth wall. I could have just said, how is the new job and people would have understood.

Jana
OK, so just erase that?

Neil
No. Just go on. I am nervous doing this with you.

Jana
I did start a new job!  And I’m loving it. Although I gotta tell you, it kinda feels like i’m just sitting around playing on the internet all day and getting paid for it.

Neil
Hey, that’s what I do but I don’t get paid!

Jana
Which technically, I am. But I feel like a social media hooker.

Neil
Hmmm. So, can we follow you in your biz account? Are you on twitter hawking Georgia products?

Jana
But i think the job’s going to be a good fit for me. I mean, i’m not a hooker and never have been. This isn’t what you’re looking for, huh?

Neil
You may be fired from your new job now for calling yourself a hooker because that makes your boss a pimp.

Jana
All the research I’ve been doing, and cooking summer stuff, has led me to a question for YOU.

Neil
Oh, shit. I knew you were going to ask me a question. You have the guts to turn this around and put me in the hot seat. Ok, ask.

Jana
Ok, so I was shucking some corn the other night and thought to myself, knowing I was going to talk to you tonight, “When Neil goes to the grocery store and buys corn on the cob, “Is it already shucked? Or does he have to shuck it himself?”

Neil
Your question is about corn on the cob?

Jana
Because i can’t imagine you shucking corn. Or even that your grocery store in NYC would have corn that needed to be shucked.

Neil
I thought you were going to be about my sex life or something interesting.

Jana
Nope. Corn.

Neil
Actually, the shucking is a pet peeve of mine.

Jana
Why?

Neil
They usually have a garbage bag hanging by the corn in the supermarket, and people peel the corn and kinda throw the shucking all over the place, and it is gross.

Jana
Same here. It is kinda gross. and then all the silk? It’s messy.

Neil
Sometimes I just take the whole corn and do the shucking at home.

Jana
But you pay more when you do that.

Neil
Do you?

Jana
They weigh all the stuff you should shuck off. You’re paying too much!

Neil
I think they usually charge by each individual corn cob.

Jana
SHUCK THE CORN IN THE STORE, NEIL.

Neil
Wow, I have been doing it wrong. I have been a sucker. I do take the stems from tomatoes, though.

Jana
Oh, well, if they do it that way, you’re good. Depends on the time of year for that here. Sometimes it’s weight. Sometimes it’s by the ear.

Neil
Why pay for stem?

Jana
Tomato stems are extra weight too.

Neil
Although I read it keeps the tomato fresher longer.

Jana
Do you always test a grape?

Neil
No. I don’t want to eat chemicals. Needs to be washed first.

Jana
Me neither. I figure if they’re bad, it’s just closer to being wine.

Neil
Sophia did show me how to buy a watermelon by hitting it. One thing I learned in marriage.

Jana
Eh, i’m not worried about chemicals. I used to sit out back under the crop duster and i’m not dead yet. Something’s gonna get me. Knowing how to buy watermelon is a huge life skill to know.

Neil
Let’s get personal.

Jana
Ooh.

Neil
We have chatted on IM about nonsense quit a bit over the last few months, not just tonight. Maybe we are even friends by now — no?

Jana
Sure. I’d say we’re definitely friends. And yes, we have chatted about a lot of nonsense.

Neil
You worried we are going to start gossip?

Jana
I just know my mama’s gonna read it.

Neil
I was just trying to say that the internet is cool because I wonder if we lived in same city whether if we would be running in different circles and never meet.

Jana
Interesting. I don’t know. I mean, maybe we would?

Neil
The internet allows you to interact with people who are seemingly different. Like I learned all about college football and grits and the Waffle House from you, but then you find out that people are basically the same everywhere.

Jana
That’s exactly what i was about to say. We’re so different so i don’t think we would run in the same crowd in person.

Neil
While here, we can cut through the exteriors.

Jana
But now that i know you? We totally would.

Neil
That is different. But then of course it would be weird being real life friends unless I was also friends with your husband. Who sounds pretty cool. Cooler than you.

Jana
He is pretty cool. He used to be a DJ you know?

Neil
Maybe this conversation is going in a weird direction, talking about “can men and women be friends” thing. This whole conversation needs to be edited now doesn’t it? I mean we’re now talking about your husband in a public blog post.

Jana
We’ll work on that.

Neil
First this conversation will get you fired for calling your boss a pimp. Your mother will disown you for talking to me. And then your husband will want a divorce for gossiping about him online. This post is a disaster. Let’s talk about your son next.

Jana
OK.

Neil
And then maybe, your son will run away after reading this, the cherry on top.

Jana
Hahahaha. OK. Go.

Neil
What grade?

Jana
4th grade. And acts like a 13 year old who’s been given an EXTRA large dose of hormones. But he’s a cool kid.

Neil
hmmm…. maybe we might need to strike that too.

Jana
Gah.

Neil
Maybe we should do this over again next week.

Jana
We suck at this. The corn thing is good though. Save it.

Neil
The corn thing was terrible. But maybe I can edit things.

Jana
But this defeats the WHOLE point of the exercise.

Neil
Maybe I can salvage this by putting in… (deleted)… so people will understand

Jana
And then (deleted) would read it and start internet rumors about us

Neil
Oh great, let’s bring her into this so I get in trouble too. Why not ask me about (deleted) too?

Jana
Hey, if i’m going down, you are too, mister. Maybe you can just post the corn conversation. and then cut it off because I had to leave for some redneck emergency.

Neil
I’m not sure what you are talking about. This was my worst conversation. We just already know too much, so it felt phony. We’re just burning bridges with everyone. Hey, why don’t we badmouth Dooce while we are here?

Jana
(deleted)

Neil
Now, I have to delete that too. Ok, we are off record.

Jana
Hahahahaahahah. We’ve been off record, man.

Neil
Ok, time is up. This was terrible.

Jana
OK. we’ll make stuff up to make it better.

Neil
We can’t do that. But thank you, Jana. Let me read it through and see if I can salvage this. What kind of dumb question about corn?

Jana
It’s a good question.

Neil
Ok, later….

A Better Facebook Targeted Ad

June 13, 2014 / / 2 Comments

facebook

 “Facebook will now use personal information gathered from your activities elsewhere on the Web to more precisely target advertisements on the social network” —

— said the news today, and everyone I know went into panic mode, rushing to opt out of this annoying development, which is precisely what I did.   I certainly don’t want Facebook following me everywhere online, making the incorrect assumptions that because I am looking at some online photos of Brazilian women in bikinis that it means I am planning an upcoming trip to São Paulo.

Facebook is a sneaky motherf*cker.   They presented these new “targeted ads” as a service to the user, as if they are doing us a big favor.

Hey, you — you use Facebook for free and get value from it, right?   And you realize that nothing is for free, so I’m sure you understand why we need to have advertising.  We’re all in this together, right?   We have to pay for all the servers to hold all your cat videos.   And what about the heat in Mark Zuckerberg’s apartment?  You don’t want him to freeze, do you?  Exactly.   So, since we both agree that advertising is required, wouldn’t it be better if you actually received targeted ads for products that you want?

In theory, the argument about targeted ads makes sense.   There is so much noise and junk online, and it is a constant struggle to create an online world that fits the individual user.   And advertising does pay the bills.   Facebook is not the only company that uses our data for targeted advertisement. There is a whole industry of personalized advertisement. Google has been doing this for years.

But the truth is — it doesn’t work. The data is always wrong because, despite what we see in the movies, computers are still pretty stupid. My favorite example of bad advertising personalization is when my friend Rob sent me — via Gmail — a video of his son in Central Park, playing on the swings, and up popped a Google ad for me to join some “Swingers Club” in Orange County, CA.

Facebook trying to figure out your needs as a consumer is similar to you buying a gift for a co-worker that you don’t know very well.  You want to buy a gift that he will like, because you are a nice person, and you don’t want to look like a jerk in front of the others.  So you decide to be a detective and find clues that will help you decide on the ideal gift.  You sneak into his desk drawer at work, looking at his personal paperwork. You google him online, hoping to learn of any special hobbies.  Does he go boating or bowling?  You scan his Instagram stream.   You even follow him home, rifling through his garbage can for clues.

Would all this detective work payoff at the end? Perhaps. Maybe you do discover that he is an avid bowler, and you end up buying him a bowling ball.   What if he already has ten bowling balls, or he only bowls with his “lucky ball.”

We frown on the obvious, because it is unromantic, but the best approach here would be to ASK the co-worker what he wants.

I know.   This concept would forever ruin the joy of surprise at birthday parties, but let’s switch from gift-giving to advertising on Facebook.   Why do companies and marketers waste so much time trying to guess our wants when they could just ASK us?

Imagine that each of us had  an ADVERTISING PERSONALIZATION PAGE on Facebook, run by a conglomerate of marketing and advertising companies.  Each individual user can opt-in or opt-out of the service at will, but those who opt-in will truly get a useful service.  Rather than Facebook following our data like a creepy old guy in a raincoat, we will be honestly tell Facebook about our interests for products and services. So if I am looking to buy a tablet for father’s day or take a trip to Brazil, I would click on these entries on my personalized advertising page, and I will be matched by those companies looking for customers interested in those products.   Once I buy the tablet or take my Brazilian trip, I will unclick these items, and ask for new advertisements — restaurants in New York City perhaps, or bestselling books.

This would be a better method of targeted ads because there would be less guesswork involved.   I would be telling Facebook exactly what I want.   This is the type of advertising engine that I would JOIN.

20 Minutes on IM #3: With Logan

May 30, 2014 / / 4 Comments

Tonight, on Facebook messenger, with Logan of A Muddled Mother.

Neil
You there?

Logan
Yup…all is quiet. Just waiting on you. Ready? Or need some time?

Neil
Oh, hi.

Logan
Hello!!

Neil
No, I’m here. I didn’t see your little green light. You hide, don’t you?

Logan
My little green light might not be on. I am not sure I hide.

Neil
OK, you ready. Gonna put my timer on?

Logan
I think sometimes the messaging thing can feel like high school if no one messages you. It feels like you’re less than. OK. Ready. Timer on? How much time anyways?

Neil
Hold that. 15 minutes. But it goes fast.

Logan
Ok. All yours!

Neil
OK, starting. Hi, Logan.

Logan
Hi Neil!!

Neil
I have to admit, you are #3 doing this, and I am most nervous with you.

Logan
Why are you nervous?

Neil
I probably know you the least. Mostly from doing the “Listen to Your Mother” show with you.

Logan
Oh. I get it. Well, I am not that scary, and I think an open book. And I have been feeling like it will be easy to talk with you.

Neil
But you want to know something. Since the others from the show aren’t here. When you walked into the room, there was something about you. That sounds like a bad pickup line.

Logan
About me? Really?

Neil
Yes.

Logan
Ha Ha.

Neil
First of all, if I remember, you were dressed from work, right?

Logan
Well I have to admit, I’m intrigued. What is it about me, because to tell you the truth, I easily feel inferior.

Neil
And you also traveled three hours there from upstate.

Logan
Yes. I came from my teaching job. Yup. Three hours away.

Neil
And there was a something to you.

Logan
Can you put your finger on it? Really? I’d love to know. I think my therapist would be jumping for joy right now.

Neil
You know, I do think there is something about chemistry… and not just talking in the romantic sense. I felt I “got you” from the minute you opened your mouth.

Logan
Oh, I completely agree. There are humans who just get other humans. It doesn’t have to be romantic. It’s funny. I felt the same about you.

Neil
You were funny. But even before I knew anything about you, there was a sense of real to you. And maybe a little darkness. Like you had lived life.

Logan
Yes. I have lived some life. There’s darkness. Don’t you think there is in everyone? OOOH! Not your mom!

Neil
And then you were telling everyone that you had like a twenty year old AND a three year old, and that was intriguing. I might have the ages wrong.

Logan
Two sons from a first marriage. First baby at 22. Second at 26. Third with second husband at 40.

Neil
Did you feel comfortable with all the big city folk? Do you consider yourself a smaller town girl?

Logan
I felt inferior. But that is a running theme in my life.

Neil
Ha ha, maybe I caught that. But I also felt that you actually knew more than everyone else.

Logan
I tried very hard to remember that I was chosen on the basis of my writing because I certainly didn’t have the credentials that you all had.

Neil
Ha ha, all our credentials! That makes me laugh.

Logan
Well, to me, the small town teacher, what you all do, just seems so much loftier. Tell me a little about your career credentials. They fascinated me in your intro.

Neil
I met two friends at dinner yesterday who came to the show and they specifically talked about your piece related to mental health.

Logan
Or…am I not supposed to ask you about you? How does this work? Me? Really? Well….I just wish the piece would catch the eyes and ears of someone who could change the laws.

Neil
Some of the best writers didn’t have credentials.

Logan
I think you are right about that.

Neil
I think we were discussing what happened in santa barbara, and one of them brought up your piece. I noticed that you had some opinions when everyone was talking about it over the last few days online.

Logan
It is a perfect example of what I was talking about in my piece. The parents’ hands were tied. They knew he was dangerous. The police hands were tied as well as far as what they could do. It is ludicrous and maddening that no one is willing to step up and change that.

Neil
It’s so funny when someone says they feel insecure. I know exactly how you feel, but all I want to do is tell you nonsense. But you can never tell yourself that. The whole debate over it online made me very uncomfortable as everyone searches to make sense. It always happens.

Logan
Yes. I sometimes feel like I should just shut my mouth on the topic. I don’t want to offend anyone, but honestly, this isn’t a gun issue or not just a gun issue. It’s a mental health issue.

Neil
No, you need to speak what you believe.

Logan
And so do you. I saw your post today. You surprise me.

Neil
But the sad thing is that because everyone has a strong way of viewing things, nothing ever gets done. It is more important that we are all right in our opinions and self identities than fixing anything.

Logan
I guess I am more cynical than you. I don’t think it has anything to do with strong opinions. I think it has to do with money. And the gun people have MUCH more than the mental health people.

Neil
What I wrote was different. You strongly believe what you said. I felt obligated to say something like it was homework. But then, someone can also point the finger at the media…. the violence…. the video games…. the rap music…. or whatever.

Logan
Oh. Yes. I can see how that is different. Although, I have to say, that your “homework” is always exemplary. Well thought through. But talking on social media shouldn’t feel like a chore.

Neil
Yes, but not paying the bills. I have never been very smart in using my online life for any monetary advancement. Have you?

Logan
No. It doesn’t. Do you freelance? Is there something that you are supposed to be writing that you have a deadline for?

Neil
Yes, but it is scripts.

Logan
I haven’t made much money off of my writing by using social media. I am just trying (like every other writer) to have a sturdy base. Scripts for what??

Neil
Darn it. Time is up. Let’s go another five minutes.

Logan
Ok. That was quick. Let’s go more!

Neil
Damn it. First i went ten minutes, then fifteen. Yes, time goes too fast.

Logan
See… no need for nerves! We have lots to discuss.

Neil
You realize that for me, this is actually a terrible idea for a blog post…

Logan
Why? I love this idea!

Neil
It is not that interesting for the reader. Yet I am intrigued.

Logan
So am I. Loved yours and Kizz’s. I am so sad I can’t come and see you all at Amy’s.

Neil
It goes totally against the idea of “interviewing” someone who is promoting a book. Yes, I just saw that today. We will call you on skype.

Logan
Correct. This doesn’t feel like an interview at all. Just a chat with a new friend.

Neil
Jeez, times goes so fast. This really makes you see how time flies.

Logan
Sheesh. So tell me something important.

Neil
I also like the weird breaking down barrier between public and private. And maybe this is a good excuse to talk to you. I don’t think I would say “let’s chat” without a reason. Not sure why.

Logan
Yes. I like talking with you, Neil. We need to keep doing it.

Neil
Maybe that is why you always hear me complain about social media.

Logan
So the convos will continue! Good.

Neil
It feels so intimate. But it isn’t because it is done publicly.

Logan
Well this is more intimate. Just two people.

Neil
And we are avoiding the issue that this will end up being public, by not mentioning it.

Logan
Thanks, btw.

Neil
I always find it weird when people talk to each other directly on twitter.

Logan
Twitter… it is weird.

Neil
And then I realize they are not really talking to each other…. they are doing it publicly. Because being seen talking is part of the experience. It is almost theatrical.

Logan
So are you ever going to tell me what “Stuck with” list on twitter means? Really, I have been paranoid.

Neil
Ha ha… it is all good. It is my list for when I am overwhelmed… so stuck with means… well, stuck with….

Logan
Ok. I like that.

Neil
At least it is better than categorizing you as “Mommy Blogger.” Do you consider yourself a mommy blogger?

Logan
I guess, I feel like your niche is what you write, do, feel best and strongest about.

Neil
I find it hard sometimes not have a niche as a blogger. I’m not a parent, and everyone else is a parent in parenting groups. I’m not even a good humor writer because I don’t have the temperament to remain consistently funny like my other humor writer friends. I’ve actually felt a little more into exploring being a man.

Logan
YES!!

Neil
Since I am in crowd of so many women. But is a little tough.

Logan
There is very little I see online about being a single man.

Neil
And just because because I am supposedly an “enlightened” guy…. I struggle with the same stuff that every man does… so even some of the misogyny stuff that was constantly retweeted this week bugged me after a while…

Logan
There aren’t a lot of enlightened men… you could really write about that.

Neil
I don’t want to write about the enlightened stuff. That is so boring to me. Everyone trying to prove how they are a better human being than the next guy, rather than looking within. Everything online reads like a public service announcement for children lately.  And I don’t trust anyone who presents a holier-than-thou attitude to the world.

Logan
no no…

Neil
There is this post I wrote… if I can find the link… maybe six years ago…

Logan
Write about being a single man. Your enlightenment is just naturally part of what you have to say.

Neil
…made a horrible stink.

Logan
Oooo… I love horrible stinks!

Neil
I told a honest story about some girl I liked in high school…

Logan
And…

Neil
…a whole group of us were in a car, and she flirted with my friend in the
backseat, so I turned around, put my hand on her thigh and said, “Is this what you want?” or something like that…. and made her cry.

Logan
Oh… Jeez… yup. Can see how that would be a problem with women.

Neil
This was over half my life ago. A long ago. The only time I acted so jealous and out of control.  This girl — woman now, with a family —  we follow each other on Facebook.

Logan
But raising a stink… is what gets you notoriety.

Neil
God no! Getting notoriety was the last thing on my mind. I got so much
shit… like it happened that night I wrote it on my blog. People said I was a predator.

Logan
A mistake made by a young man. YIKES!! That thought didn’t cross my mind.

Neil
…and that I had no right to tell the story.

Logan
Fringe…Fringe…there’s always people on the fringe.

Neil
People who previously ignored every one of my posts, not taking much interest in any of my funny stories, suddenly showed up to tell me I was a horrible person based on one post from my past, as if it was symbolic of every terrible thing any man had ever did in the world. I think it was especially shocking because I wrote it. Proving that under ever nice guy is a dangerous wolf.   It was so weird. Of course now, years later, I understand where all this anger came from. Women have been hurt so often by men.  Just felt unfair at the time becoming a scapegoat.

Logan
Yes. A nice guy…

Neil
I wasn’t trying to be controversial. I was trying to be MORE of a real
writer. I thought people would appreciate it!

Logan
What was the purpose?

Neil
To grow as a writer. Not to just post funny stuff, which was easier for me.

Logan
Ah. Real life. Revealing.

Neil
To find one of my worst moments and share it.  But I got the message that no
one wants that.   Because it becomes YOU.

Logan
Usually makes the best writing… but often the most controversial.

Neil
That is why you only hear stories bout being bullied.

Logan
I disagree.

Neil
No one ever is the bully.

Logan
You can’t let the fringe… stop you from writing what’s true. I entered a contest. It was called America’s Next Top Writer. I entered a story about the day my husband left me.

Neil
hmmm…

Logan
I had had an affair…

Neil
You see, you are brave…

Logan
My parents were mortified.

Neil
And were you judged poorly that you wrote this?

Logan
My ex husband…trashed the house before leaving. He was abusive… and I called my parents to get help. I was pretty isolated. My parents were, “You made your bed… lie in it.” And my parents FLIPPED that I wrote that story and entered it into the contest. I won.

Neil
Oh, wow.

Logan
5000 dollars and a publishing contract. And the next day…

Neil
You are America’s next top model?! I mean writer?

Logan
They took my winnings away.

Neil
Huh?

Logan
And said that my parents threatened a law suit.

Neil
OMG.

Logan
The contract that I signed said that they had a right to change their minds. And they did because they were scared.  But… that didn’t stop me. I published it in an anthology for women who have been abused.

Neil Kramer
Good for you.  Wow. The timer just rang. 20 minutes are up. Wow. Wow. Wow. What a way to end this.  I am impressed with you.   Maybe we could have been more focused in the beginning, but this is how we talk. I knew we had that in common! We go off topic.

Logan
So… Neil and Logan are now friends because we did this funky blog post.

Neil
Thank you, Logan.

15 Minutes on IM #2: With Michele

May 22, 2014 / / 3 Comments

Tonight, on Facebook messenger, with Michele of Midlyfemama.

Neil
Ok, we are going to try for 15 minutes.   I will tell you when we are starting.  Again, disclaimer… I will put everything online… unless horrible.

Michele
Define horrible. BORING?

Neil
Like we call each other racist names.

Michele
Ah. Let’s say we won’t.

Neil
OK, you ready…. putting on timer now.

Michele
OK. And you are not saying anything.

Neil
Ok. Begin. Hi, Michele.

Michele
HELLO!

Neil
Thanks for being the second victim.

Michele
My pleasure.

Neil
What do you think of this crazy idea…?

Michele
I love it. Speed blogging.

Neil
I like the fact that it is rather random and that I am not talking with you for any specific reason.

Michele
What do you want to talk about? I spent my day dealing with an annual audit. RIVETING

Neil
Facebook messenger is hard to copy and past these conversations into the blog. I will look for a better place next week. Are you worried about being boring?

Michele
Aren’t we all?

Neil
hmmm…. not really.

Michele
You worry about everything. But not about being boring?

Neil
We don’t know each other that well, but you are always so wise when you give me advice on my neurotic updates.  You have a degree in psychology, right? BA or MA?

Michele
Bachelors in science. BS. Appropriate. My masters in higher education administration and college student personnel.

Neil
hmmm… you are coming off more cynical and self deprecating than I expected. That is my shtick!

Michele
I was two classes away from a second major in student counseling. Decided to get a job instead.

Neil
So why do you think you have such good advice for me? Have you been in therapy yourself? People who study psychology tend to be a little weird themselves.

Michele
I understand where you are coming from. Been there done that. I think everyone should do therapy at least once. I have been called weird by more than one person.

Neil
So are you saying you didn’t need it?

Michele
I DID need it at that time.

Neil
And now? From what you read from my updates, is my therapy working at all? What is your unprofessional opinion? Should I change therapists?

Michele
These days I am pretty happy, confident, making good choices. But therapy is more than just solving problems. And yes, your efforts are working. I loved your updates today.

Neil
You know what I thought after that update… because the very positive one was shared like five times. People love the positive stuff…

Michele
I have no idea if you should change therapists. Do you feel you are making progress? It took you however old you are to get to this point. It is going to take more than a month of sessions to get through the gunk.

Neil
…and shy away from the negative… but I don’t think I would have come up with this positive update if I didn’t first think up with negative updates…

Michele
I find the negative stuff to usually a defensive effort to put off being real.

Neil
…so I respect the negative as well…

Michele
The negative is FUNNY.

Neil
Usually we think of the negative as the more real, not the positive. So you see the negative as defensive?

Michele
Most of the time. When you write it at least.

Neil
hmmm… I will think about that. I told you that you were insightful.

Michele
I see YOUR negative as being deflective and a way to keep yourself safe.

Neil
Do you advise students in your job? Yes, I like to keep myself safe. Is it financial stuff or career stuff?

Michele
I am not an academic adviser, but I am the one who hands out money so I end up talking to students about making good choices. I am the director of financial aid.

Neil
So that must give you insights into stuff. Choices such as…? Man, colleges are so expensive nowadays.

Michele
Hey, don’t use loan money to buy beer and hamburgers, get a job and don’t drop classes

Neil
Were you like that in college?

Michele
NO.

Neil
Do you follow any of your students on Facebook? Can they find you?

Michele
They can find me if they want, but I won’t friend them while they are students.
I avoid posting about specifics so no one thinks I am talking about them.

Neil
What do like writing online?

Michele
WHAT?

Neil
You have a blog. Do you live near Newton, MA?

Michele
I do have a blog. www.midlyfemama.com, but I haven’t been good about updating.  I work in Newton, live in Waltham.  Newton, for which Fig Newtons were named.

Neil
Really? I didn’t know that.

Michele
For real. Now I want to do the fig newton dance.

Neil
I know there is a big temple there where that famous rabbi worked…. the one who wrote that book…. “why do bad things happen…” There is a fig newton dance? I used to love fig newtons. Maybe I will go buy some later in your honor.

Michele
I am not up on Rabbinical writings and yes, there is a dance.

Neil
Can I find it on you tube?

Michele
I do NOT have any youtube stuff. Wait, yes, you can find the commercial, I am sure. It is old. A guy dressed in a fig newton costume.

Neil
OK, our time is running out. This was wonderful. The aim is not to be especially interesting, just to connect in a weird way…. and then put it on publicly. I don’t know why I love the idea.

Michele
I think it worked.

Neil
Maybe it just gives me an opportunity to talk to people…

Michele
I think it is a great idea. Keep doing it.

Neil
…by having a purpose. We probably wouldn’t have chatted otherwise. Although we have chatted in the past a couple of times.

Michele
I am always happy to chat with you.

Neil
OK, nice. Thanks…. and thank you. This conversation is officially over. 15 minutes is up.

Last Week’s Chat #1 with Kizz.

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