Category: Movies and Television (Page 6 of 8)

Really Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

March 15, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 71 Comments

BEFORE the arrival of ABC Television’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Life has never been easy for the Wilson family. After she lost her job at the auto plant and her husband was killed in a freak explosion at an Office Depot, Deborah Wilson and her seven children, three of them disabled, became homeless.

Deborah remarried, but her new husband — an alcoholic, abuser, and wife beater — ran away with Deborah’s sister, leaving Deborah with three of his children. Two of his children suffer from a rare untreatable skin disease, and the third child, alas, was recently mauled to death when a Burmese tiger escaped from his cage during a class trip to the Phoenix Zoo.

The Wilsons now live in a tiny shack in the poorest section of Phoenix.

The arrival of ABC Television’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Ty Pennington and his design team roll into town from Los Angeles. They have decided to build a new home for the the family because, frankly, the Wilsons are one unlucky, miserable bunch of losers. The Wilson’s shack is bulldozed and three hundred construction workers, whose boss wants to be on TV, quickly build the Wilson’s new 5000 square foot home.

Every room is equipped with the latest appliances from Sears (the show’s official sponsor). There is to be a plasma TV in every room (from Sears). An elevator to the second floor is installed for the disabled children. Special space suits are developed by NASA to be worn by the children with the rare skin disease. The new house has a swimming pool, a tennis court, and a huge kitchen where Deborah can further her dream of becoming a gourmet chef. And to help her further her goal, ABC has convinced famed Scottsdale Chef Anthony Dematto of Anthony’s Bistro to give Deborah a job as an assistant chef.

After the house is built, the design team cries. The Wilsons cry. Three hundred workers cry… because their boss, who got his 15 minutes of fame, "volunteered" them all for this grueling ordeal for no pay. A beautiful new home has been built for the Wilsons — a family desperately in need of help. The show returns to Los Angeles — a job well done.

Three months after the airing of ABC Television’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Life has never been easy for the Wilson family. Deborah has been fired from Anthony’s Bistro after she accidentally poisoned a customer and famed Scottsdale Chef Anthony Dematto called her "an absolute moron."

The Wilson home has been robbed three times in the last three months by neighbors who resent a fancy house in the middle of their ugly impoverished neighborhood. All of their plasma TVs have been carried off by angry mobs.

Deborah’s youngest son is beaten up in school every day by bullies. Another child is mocked as "Ty Pennington’s Love Slave." The elevator in the house broke, and no one from the show returns the phone calls, so the disabled children haven’t been able to leave the second floor for two months. One of the children with the rare skin disease suffocates to death in his NASA space suit.

The wife beater who ran away with Deborah’s sister returns for the funeral service of the child he left behind. He reveals some more sad news — Deborah’s sister has bled to death after she cut off her finger to try the "sue Wendy’s because there is a finger-in-the-chili trick." But the car broke down while they were stuck in Houston rush hour traffic, and the finger ended up getting lost somewhere in the engine.

One good note — after the funeral, the abusive, cheating, alcoholic, child abandoning wife beater decided to stay in town, so he’s now living with Deborah again! They couldn’t afford the upkeep of the new place, so they moved into another tiny shack. It feels more spacious this time around, because they had to leave some of the children behind. The elevator on the second floor is still broken. So, everything is fine!

UPDATE: A network memo on The Smoking Gun shows that this post is not as far-fetched as it may seem.

In America, Everyone is a Winner

March 9, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 40 Comments

Is there anything worse than being a loser in America? I watched three reality shows last night. Everything was about winning and being competitive.

Ryan Seacrest announcing the American Idol finalists last night:

"And here are your twelve final American Idol contestants! All of them, winners!"

Kinnick, one of the four contestants just eliminated from the show last night:

"Even though I’ve been eliminated, I know I’m a winner — just to be able to make it this far."

Sandy Aguilar, eliminated from the show during "Hollywood Week," writing on her blog last night:

"Out of the thousands who tried out, I made it to the top 100. I’m clearly a winner."

Benji Stone, who never made it through the first day of auditions in Denver, speaking to KGGF, Denver, last night:

"I slept outside all night in line just to audition. My friends didn’t have guts to do it. I’m a winner for following my dream."

Neil Kramer, sitting in his underwear in Sophia’s living room, watching American Idol, and calling out to Sophia in the kitchen:

"This is terrible that they’re working on my kitchen sink in my apartment for another day and I have to stay here with you again. Can you make me another roast beef sandwich, please. And hurry up. Gideon is going to sing soon! (to self) Hee Hee. I’m such a winner!"

Oscar to DVD Watchers: Drop Dead!

March 6, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 39 Comments

Did you notice during the Oscars, that the Academy seemed a bit desperate to tell us over and over again that a movie theater was "the only place to watch a movie?" As the BBC noted:

Just to make sure no-one missed the message, the stage was even set up like the entrance to a movie theatre, complete with ticket office. Clearly, Hollywood was taking the chance of grabbing its worldwide TV audience to preach its anti-piracy message to as many people as possible.

Of course, most of the Academy get to see the nominated movies on DVDs sent to their homes. And most of them watched it in their private movie theaters. Or at special invitation-only showings at the studios.

Hell, even Sophia got DVDs mailed to her for the SAG awards.

I’ve been to hundreds of movies in Los Angeles, and not once have I ever bumped into Steven Spielberg or Nicole Kidman on line for popcorn at my local multiplex.

Perhaps, as a show of solidarity with moviegoers everywhere, the Academy should encourage all members to stop watching movies at home and…

LOUD MUSIC starts to play, as Bill Conti and his ORCHESTRA drown out the rest of my blog post —

Life is Like a Soap Opera

February 16, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 50 Comments

Sophia stopped by my apartment today to watch "All My Children." In the past, I’ve written about how she turned me on to this soap opera, and how I’ve been watching it every since. Lately, the show has really sucked. Bad stories and bad characters. So, when a show gets stale, what can a TV producer do?

How about a big explosion?

Here’s the recap. Erica Kane (Susan Lucci) throws a big masquerade ball. As everyone enjoys themselves, Janet, the deranged mother of Amanda, decides to blow up the mansion and everyone in it. There’s a big explosion. The mansion collapses. But — what a coincidence! — the structure comes down in such an organized way that the guests are trapped and isolated under the rubble in neat groups of two. And — get this — those stuck together just happen to be characters who have "issues" with each other. It doesn’t matter if they were standing next to each before the explosion. They still end up trapped with each other.

So, there’s Zach and Ethan together — the father and son who hate each other. There’s Kendall and Ryan, the ex-lovers who are having a baby together from sperm stolen from a fertility clinic. There’s David, the brilliant ex-cardiologist and Palmer, his nemesis. And then there Erica Kane with Josh, her young television producer, who she has she found out is really her son. And so on.

Now imagine there’s gas leaking near you. It is getting difficult to breathe. Any false move could cause the walls to collapse around you. What do you do? Call for help?

Of course not.

You waste oxygen talking over your "issues."

Ethan and Zack:

Ethan: "Did you ever really want to be a father to me? Did you ever care?"

Zach: "I love you, Son. I always did."

Kendall and Ryan:

Kendall: "Ryan, this is your baby! But do you want me to be happy? No! Ever since you lost Greenlee, you’ve wanted me to suffer."

Ryan: "That’s not true. I care about you. You and the baby. My baby. My baby that is inside you."

Erica and Josh:

Erica: "Please, Josh. Tell me more about your mother."

Josh: "Why do you care so much about my mother? Why do you ask so many questions? Who are you to grill me? The Great Erica Kane! The woman who only cares about herself! I’m nothing to you."

Erica: "You are something to me, Josh. More than you know. It’s something we need to discuss. Now. Before it’s too late."

Of course, in typical soap opera fashion, this plotline is being stretched out so it takes up all week. Today’s episode was especially ridiculous. Sophia and I laughed up a storm over the show’s bad writing and corny plot gimmicks.

After the show, Sophia had an appointment, so we headed downstairs to the garage. I live on the third floor of my apartment building, so we took the elevator down.

As we were passing the second floor, we heard a rumble and the lights went out.

And then the cable snapped.

The elevator went careening down in a free-fall, at what seemed like 200 miles per hour. Sophia and I held on for dear life, each knowing that these were our final moments together. But before it all ended, there was still one remaining issue between us that needed to be resolved:

"Did you ever install Photoshop on my computer?" Sophia asked.

"Not yet."

"Well, when? How many times do I have to ask you?"

"I’ve been busy."

"Blogging is not being busy."

"Look, I’m sorry."

"How many years has it been the same way. You say you’re going to do things and then you don’t."

"Do you really want to bring this up now? Right after Valentine’s Day? We had such a nice time."

"Yeah, you love telling all your readers how wonderful and romantic you are. Awwww, Neilochka… so sweet. But do they know you promised me Photoshop a month ago?!"

"OK, so you’re right. I’m bad. I’m lousy. But c’mon, Sophia, let’s not ruin our final moments we have here on Earth."

"OK, you make a good point. At least we’re communicating here. I’m sorry, too. "

"You don’t have to be sorry."

"I do. I just blew up for no reason. It’s just… PMS."

"Really… or are you just saying that?"

"Really."

"OK, lets just start this falling to our death over again, so we’re nice to each other. Let’s just talk about something else."

"Fine. Like what?"

"I have a better idea. Why don’t we have sex?"

"OK."

"But sex like in the old days. Before we got married."

"So, you mean bad sex?"

"Be nice."

"Just joking… come here, Neilochka. Our last time together…"

Sophia pulled me over and we kissed. Sophia pressed me against the wall.

"Goodbye, Neilochka."

"Goodbye, Sophia."

I paused.

"What is it?," Sophia asked.

"I really should say goodbye to all my blogging friends."

"And how are you going to do that?"

"I have my free Sprint Ambassador phone. I can go online with it and write my last blog post."

"Right now?"

"Sure. The others will get a real kick out of this post. "Neil and Sophia: The Final Moments." Think of all the links on Technorati. Especially if we post some photos."

"OK, just hurry up. Before I’m not in the mood anymore."

I pulled my phone from my pocket. I started to dial.

"Menu. Click. Type. Go to URL. W.W.W.C – I – T – I – X. Shit, that’s not a Z. These keys are so small! And who can read this without a magnifying glass? Shit, another mistake. How do you do a backspace?"

"Neil, is this REALLY that important? Believe me, the other bloggers are just going to move on to someone new. You’re really not that important to them."

"Maybe you’re right. They’re not like you and me, are they — living through the good and the bad?! Screw those selfish bloggers who cross you off their blogroll just because you wrote one bad post! Let’s make these final moments about you and me!"

I kissed Sophia. Passions rose. Suddenly, the elevator crashed down on the garage level. Actually, it wasn’t really a crash. It was actually a soft landing. Just our luck — the superintendent had stored some leftover rolls of plush carpeting at the bottom of the elevator shaft, cushioning the landing.

What a coincidence! We survived! Maybe those soap operas aren’t so unrealistic after all!

The elevator door opened, revealing Sophia’s car right in front of us. Sophia headed for her car.

"What about our sex?" I asked her.

"Sorry," answered Sophia . "Now I have a headache. Maybe after you install Photoshop."

Why I Am Against Interracial Relationships

February 7, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 54 Comments

Lately, I’ve been noticing an increase in interracial relationships here in Los Angeles. Blacks dating whites. Whites dating Asians. Asians dating Blacks.

I am against this type of relationship, much like I am against inter-religion dating or members of different cultures getting romantically involved.

My reason is simple: saving Hollywood.

As a lover of movies, particularly of the romantic comedy, I fear the death of the gimmicky movie obstacles to the young lovers’ happiness. In Shakespeare’s day, we had powerful families that hated each other, like in “Romeo and Juliet.” But since the dawn of the movies, filmmakers have used race and religion as a way to create drama, such as the movie I just saw, titled “Something New.” She’s black! He’s white! What will their parents say?! Will his friends accept his “Jungle Fever?” Will their love overcome the obstacles?

Think about it. Once these obstacles are gone, what will happen to the romantic comedy? Sure, we still have the old stand-by — he’s funny (Jewish) and she’s a anal shiksa (“When Harry Met Sally,” “Annie Hall,” “Meet the Fockers”). But even that sub-genre is getting old as assimilated Jews become less funny. Some of these Jews are so desperate for funny material, they just tell the same penis jokes over and over again. Even worse, the shiksa women are learning to tell their own jokes, ruining the dynamic.

Another old standard is the guy who’s a dullard who meets the woman who’s a free spirit (“Bringing up Baby,” “Something Wild,” a thousand other movies). I never really bought into this gimmick. I understand the boring tax accountant who is excited by the wild woman, but do exciting, fun women really want to hang out with the tax accountant? Or is this more wish fulfillment on the part of the mousy male screenwriters? I’ve been a dullard all my life.Â Where are the women, grabbing me by the arm to take me on a wild ride? Well, OK, there is Sophia.

OK, maybe Sophia was one.Â Sadly, even this genre is getting old, with “geeks” and accountants actually becoming sexy in popular culture.

Is the romantic comedy genre doomed? Unless we take some action now, I give it a few more years, right after they make the movie about the single rabbi and the ditsy Muslim divorcee who lives across the street from him.

Hopefully, we’ll hear from the author of the book “Writing the Romantic Comedy” himself, who keeps a blog here.

As for myself — I have a special place in my heart for women of other races and religions.Â But I must insist that we not get romantically involved.Â For Hollywood’s sake.

(editor’s note: These statements are here for humorous effect.Â Any woman of any race or religion who wants to throw herself at Neil’s feet, will not necessarily be rejected.)

The Jewish Blogger

February 3, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 32 Comments

Sophia and I picked up her mother and step-father. We were going to go out for dinner. We always go out for Chinese, so Sophia thought we should try something new.

"How would you like to try Canter’s Deli?" she asked.

Sophia’s mother made a face showing her disinterest. Too salty and too sweet.

Now my parents, being New York-bred Jews, were raised on deli food. My father, in particular, loved to eat stuff like corned beef sandwiches and stuff cabbage — even when my mother wouldn’t let him touch the cholesterol-laden stuff for the last ten years. This deli food is usually thought of as "Jewish" (even though it is probably originally Polish, Romanian, or Hungarian food).

My grandparents come from a small village in Russia/Poland, pretty much the same area that Sophia’s grandparents came from. The big difference is that my family came to America and her family stayed behind. And when you hear stories of the awful Soviet Regime — it’s pretty clear why Sophia is a Republican today.

I find the differences in our mothers quite interesting. It makes me think of the old nature or nurture argument. Can one generation in different countries really make that big of a difference?

My mother is so "American" in her likes and dislikes. Sophia’s mother is so "Russian." Although both are Jewish and have roots in the same area of Eastern Europe, they’re completely different culturally.

Maybe this means nurture is more important than nature. Where you grow up really does "make the man." I know some people leave the big city when they have children, so they can grow up in a "better environment." But are the suburbs really a better environment? Does growing up in Los Angeles make you a vain narcissist, more so than growing up in Kansas?

On some level, I think these cultural differences are disappearing. Anyone in the country can get cable or read any book just by ordering it on Amazon. I read blogs from people all over the place, and bloggers from New York or Boston don’t necessarily write anything more intellectual or compelling than someone from a small town. I guess anyone can read the New York Times online.

I know being Jewish is also part of my identity. American Jews, including myself, are always trying to draw the right line between being American and keeping in touch with their heritage. I’m pretty secular so I have an easier time than those who keep kosher. But keeping connected with your group is not something only Jews do. I see it blacks, Asians, even French-born people living in the States. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Life would be pretty boring if all the world was the same, all eating the same Big Macs. It would be like living in Orange County.

Sometimes I’m not sure how "Jewish" I am. I have a couple of readers who are "Jewish bloggers." I recently asked one of them, "What makes your blog so Jewish? You hardly write about anything Jewish."

"Aren’t you a Jewish blogger?"

"Not really."

"Sure you are. You write more about Jewish things than other Jewish bloggers."

"I also write about my penis and I’m not "a Penis blogger."

Maybe I just don’t want to be categorized.

Last weekend, I was trying to categorize my blogroll. First, I separated everyone by gender — but it was embarrassing that I had so many more women than men. Then, I started separating everyone geographically, but I got stuck figuring out where to put Leesa (Montana) and I wasn’t sure if Brooke (in Florida) was "East Coast" or "South." Next, I thought of arranging everyone by "personality type" — humorous, poetic, dramatic, spicy, etc. But I had a feeling that many of you would hate being categorized with one word, like casting directors do with actors:

"Bring me the funny-looking one!"

I know I hate being categorized. I guess I’m a Jewish blogger. A Penis blogger. A "talk about Sophia" a lot blogger. Do you categorize your own blog?

If someone asked you to describe your content, could you?

UPDATE: Terrific short film at Sundance 2006 which explores some of the issues of being Jewish in America. It is called "The Tribe," and it has a very clever twist — it humorously tells the history of both the Barbie doll (created by a Jewish mother) and the Jewish people – from Biblical times to present day. You can watch it here. Thanks, Hanan at Grow a Brain, for the link.

Why I Moved to Los Angeles

February 3, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 19 Comments

"It Never Rains In Southern California" by Albert Hammond

Got on board a westbound seven forty-seven
Didn’t think before deciding what to do
Ooh, that talk of opportunities, TV breaks and movies
Rang true, sure rang true …

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I’ve often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours

I’m out of work, I’m out of my head
Out of self respect, I’m out of bread
I’m underloved, I’m underfed, I wanna go home
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours

Will you tell the folks back home I nearly made it?
Had offers but didn’t know which one to take
Please don’t tell ’em how you found me
Don’t tell ’em how you found me
Gimme a break, give me a break

Seems it never rains in southern California
Seems I’ve often heard that kind of talk before
It never rains in California, but girl, don’t they warn ya?
It pours, man, it pours

Upcoming Movie Sequels in Development/Confirmed

A Bugs Life 2
Alien 5
Austin Powers 4
Blair Witch 3
Battlefield Earth 2
Baby’s Day Out 2
Bad Boys 3
Bean 2
Beetlejuice 2
Blade 3: Trinity
Blue Streak 2
Bringing Down The House 2
Bring It On 4
Beverly Hills Cop IV
Bulletproof Monk 2
Caddyshack 3
Commando 2
Cabin Fever 2
Candyman 4
Cats & Dogs 2 [Confirmed]
Country Bears 2 [first bombed?]
Coyote Ugly 2
Cheech and Chong Smoke The Bong
Crocodile Dundee 4
Crow: Wicked Prayer
The Commitments 2
Congo 2
D4: The Mighty Ducks 4
Daredevil 2
Darkness Falls 2
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo [Confirmed]
The Fast and the Furious 3
Final Destination 3
Finding Nemo 2
Freaky Friday 2
Galaxy Quest 2
Ghostbusters 3
Grease 3
Godzilla 2
The Goonies 2: Goonies Never Say Die
Grosse Pointe Blank 2
Halloween 9
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix [Confirmed]
House of The Dead 2
Hellboy 2
Hulk 2
Independence Day 2
Jaws 5
Johnny English 2
Jumanji 2 [Confirmed, Zathura]
Kangaroo Jack 2: Jack is Back
Karate Kid 5
Kindergarten Cop 2
Lethal Weapon 5
Legally Blonde 3
The Lizzie McGuire Movie 2
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 2
Monsters Inc. 2
Mortal Kombat 3: Domination
MVP 3
Men in Black 3
The Mummy 3
Old School 2
Operation Condor 3
Parent Trap 2
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 [Confirmed]
Planet Of The Apes 2
Predator 3
Police Academy 8: Yet Again [Confirmed]
Pretty Woman 2
Punisher 2
Rambo 4
Robocop 4
Roger Rabbit 2
Rocky Horror: The Second Coming
Rocky 6
Scary Movie 5
The Mask 2 [Confirmed]
Scorpion King 2
Scream 4
Seriously Dude Where’s My Car?
Shrek 3 [Confirmed]
The Sixth Sense 2
The Skulls 3
Star Trex XI
Streetfighter 2
Sweet Home Alabama 2
Spiderman 3 [Confirmed]
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
Time Cop 2
Tomb Raider 3
Total Recall 2
Toy Story 3
The Transporter 2
Tremors 4
The Tuxedo 2
Twister 2
True Lies 2
Underworld 2
Under Siege 3
Vertical Limit 2
Wrong Turn 2
X-Man 3 [Confirmed]
XXX2 [Confirmed]

(via The Movie Insider)

Beverly Hills Doctor

January 20, 2006 / Neil Kramer / 50 Comments

Living in Los Angeles does have its perks. Today I went to my doctor for my yearly checkup, hoping to be told that that my cholesterol went down. As usual, Doctor Fishbeck kept me waiting in the examining room for a half hour while I looked through his Golf magazines from 2001. The door opened and the doctor bounced in, seeming to be in a better mood than usual.

"Well, hello Neil! How’s the blogging going?"

"Very well, Doctor Fishbeck."

"How are you? How’s your golf?"

"Excellent, excellent. I’m so glad you made an appointment for today. You see, you’re here on a very special day. "

"I am?"

"Absolutely. I’ve been invited to participate in a new reality show for the Discovery Channel."

"Cool."

"It’s called "Doctoring with the Stars." Seven celebrities are teamed up with seven Beverly Hills doctors, and each week the celebrity becomes "the doctor" and his work is judged by two prominent surgeons from Cedars Sinai and UCLA… and the third judge is the guy who played a doctor… on that TV show, Saint Elsewhere… he’s also a comedian…"

"Howie Mandel?"

"Howie Mandel, right."

"Let me see if I get this. You’re teamed up with a celebrity, too?"

Suddenly, a man with a familiar face entered the room. He was carrying a huge basket of Mrs. Fields cookies. On the side of the basket, it read "from your friends at Pfizer."

It was Donny Osmond.

"Two lovely girls just brought this to you, Doctor Fishbeck," said Donny Osmond. "They said for you to remember lunch tomorrow… and something about meeting your quota with the Prozac."

Doctor Fishbeck laughed uncomfortably.

"Ha ha ha! Those jokesters!"

Donny Osmond looked concerned on moral grounds.

"Doctors don’t really push this stuff just because of these cute sales reps, do they?"

"Of course not."

Donny Osmond sighed, in relief. But I was getting concerned.

"Doctor Fishbeck, didn’t you tell me the last time I was here that I should go on Prozac because I was having sinus headaches."

"No. That’s because you were depressed, Neil."

"But I’m not depressed."

"Are you back yet with Sophia?"

"No."

"Get a good job yet?"

"No."

"I just read about that blogger Opinionista, who revealed her identity and now has a book deal. Do you have a book deal?"

No.

"You know, Neil. You look depressed. Let me write you out another prescription for Prozac."

"I didn’t like Prozac. It made my penis numb."

"Are you having any sex lately?"

"No."

"So what’s the difference? Prozac it is."

Donny Osmond claps, impressed with the doctor.

"I’m so lucky to be teamed with you, Doctor Fishbeck. I’m learning so much about being a doctor. Alyssa Milano really hates the doctor she’s been teamed up with."

"Donny Osmond, meet Neil Kramer. He will be your patient today."

"Uh, nice to meet you Mr. Osmond, but I’m not really sure… how much training have you had again?"

"Three days. It’s just episode one. The finale is an operation. But that’s a few weeks away. Do you by chance need an operation?"

"Don’t worry about the operation, Donny!," said Doctor Fishbeck. It will be a breeze! I’ve seen you as host of Pyramid. Cool as a cucumber. "

"Thanks for the confidence, Doctor Fishbeck."

"Neil, I’m going to leave you with Donny Osmond. I mean Dr. Osmond."

As Doctor Fishbeck exits, two cameramen and a boom operator enter the room. Donny Osmond takes out a notebook, reading from it.

"OK, Neil, take down your pants and I’m going to ask you to cough."

"Is my HMO going to cover this?"

"What’s an HMO?"

Sophia in “Windfall”

December 7, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 39 Comments

Windfall cast
The cast of "Windfall" (sans Sophia)

In the past, I’ve mentioned that Sophia frequently works as a Russian dialect coach for movies and TV, as well as doing her regular job as a court interpreter. A few weeks ago, thanks to a a very unexpected recommendation by her friend, Richard, Sophia got called in to audition for a guest shot on a new NBC show called "Windfall," playing, of all things, a Russian court interpreter. Sophia nailed the audition and got the job.

"Windfall" is a drama about a group of people who share a large lottery winning. It will premiere in January. The show stars Luke Perry. Yes, that Luke Perry.

Even though the scene was short, Sophia must have made a great impression, because now she’s been called back to play the same character in a second episode filming this Friday!

Sophia thinks this might be the final scene with the Russian interpreter — or is it? I sat down today to quickly write a new "Windfall" script, hoping to convince the producers to expand Sophia’s role.

Here’s one of the scenes from my teleplay:

INT. PETER’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Peter (Luke Perry) and Natasha (Sophia Lansky) are in bed together, post lovemaking.

Peter: "Natasha, I’ve never done this before. But hearing you simulataneously interpret for that Russian killer was one of the most erotic experiences of my life."

Natasha: "Do you really want me to move in here with you? After all, we just met this afternoon."

Peter: "Yes, Natasha. We are soulmates, I know it. I’ve already broken it off with my girlfriend."

Natasha: "But doesn’t she already have thirteen episodes in her contract… I mean a baby with you?"

Peter: I’m Luke Perry… I mean Peter, one of the winners of the lottery. I can choose my own destiny and I choose YOU."

Natasha: I love you… Peter…

Peter: I love you, Natasha…

They kiss, passionately. It is clear that Peter is the best kisser Natasha has ever kissed, surpassed only by the passion and skill of her separated husband, Nikolai.

Natasha: "You know what I really want to do now…?"

Peter: "I do know… because I want to do it, too…"

Natasha: "…go online together and see if there’s a new post from "Citizen of the Month.""

Peter: "That’s my favorite blog also. We have so much in common!"

They go hand-in-hand to the computer.

FADE OUT

END OF SCENE

Good, huh? They are definitely going to keep Sophia for more episodes now!

Break a leg, Sophia!

Today on Blogebrity: JJ at Purgatorian (his site)

Neilochka’s Favorite Things 2005

November 19, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 89 Comments

Welcome, readers. I know you are here today thinking that this is just another one of my run-of-the-mill blog posts, but you are in for a…

BIG SURPRISE.

(Hopeful gasp from readership)

In honor of Oprah’s annual over-the-top consumer-fest, Oprah’s Favorite Things 2005, which airs on Monday, I would like to introduce the first annual:

Neilochka’s Favorite Things, 2005!

(Readers cheer wildly)

With the holiday season approaching, I want to offer some great gift-giving ideas. But even more importantly, I want to say THANKS to all the new friends that I have made through this blog this year.

So, here it goes. And remember, most of you will be walking away with GIFTS OF YOUR OWN!

(Readers get up and go crazy)

First up, I would like to thank you all for being such an intelligent and witty group. When I first read you all, I visualized you as being very suave and sophisticated. Unfortunately, I met a few of you and my image of you was quickly destroyed. Some of you dress like real schlubs. To rectify this, I would like to introduce my first favorite thing in the hopes that you will now start to dress as fashionably as you blog.

Yes, I am talking about your very own ‘I Love Blogging" trucker hat!

"I Love Blogging" trucker hats for everyone!

(Readers start chanting, "Neilochka! Neilochka! Rah Rah Rah!")

How many times have your rushed off to work and forgot to read the latest "Citizen of the Month" post? Sure, you can read it later or at work. But wouldn’t you enjoy the post more when it is hot and fresh off the presses? The answer is better time management. For that, you need a timepiece that will always remind you when my latest post is up, and that will always be on Pacific Time. Yes, you are some of the first people in the world to see my new "exclusive" line of watches that I personally designed with Sophia’s assistance.

Yes, it is the "Citizen" brand of watches! Each of you gets a choice of three of the finest watches made in the world!

(Readers scream in joy. Several women take off their tops and wave their hard-to-unhook-bras in the air)

Many of you know that I have a special bond with my female readers. I have never met a group of women who are as smart and sexy as you. I feel I owe you a special thanks for all your love and support. To show you my love, I’d like each of you to have another one of my favorite things of this year: exact replicas of the $3.99 bouquet of slightly wilted flowers that I bought Sophia in an earlier post!

(Several female readers faint. Akaky has to give mouth-to-mouth to Tatyana)

Speaking of Sophia, as my editor, she frequently calls me up to tell me that my post really sucked that day. Sometimes, to better put her point across, she swears at me in Russian, a language known for its elaborate curses. As a talented interpreter, actress and Russian dialect coach, Ms. Sophia Lansky knows all the proper curses in this extremely expressive language. The English language is like Wimpsville compared to Russian. In English, it is considered inflammatory to say "Your mother!" In Russian, they say, "Your mother like this and that, up, down, and around, and their mother, and seven coffins, too!" Maybe because of Russia’s sad history, coffins are big in Russian. You just don’t say, "F–k your mother!" You say "F–k your mother through seven gates while whistling… and in her coffin!"

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not big on cursing, so I’m been trying to catch up to Sophia by studying this book "Dermo!: The Real Russian Tolstoy Never Used!" It is definitely one of my favorites this year. If you always dreamed of cursing like a Russian sailor, this is the book for you. A copy for everyone!

(Readers cheer for Sophia. Some male reader, drunk on vodka, reads from his new book and screams out to Sophia, calling her a "smokin’ hot piece of stuffed cabbage" in Russian.)

I’d like to give a special thank you to all my my anorexic readers. It is your commitment to your unhealthy lifestyle that made my crappiest post into the most popular one. Without you, I wouldn’t have my photos of Nicole Richie hot-linked all over the blogosphere. You are the ones who made this site what it is today — not much.

What? Is that a special guest I see coming it? Yes, it is Nicole Richie herself! And she is bringing each and every "Ana" site reader one of my favorite things — an In-N-Out burger from California’s best hamburger chain!

(The Ana women would cheer, but most of them are too busy stuffing their faces with their first meal all week and then running out to throw up)

Finally, I want to turn my attention to those who are most in need. Because that’s what the Holidays are all about.

I am talking to you, SHORT MEN.

You have been nothing short of miraculous. You are another group of loyal readers, although you never read anything other than this one post about yourselves. But I feel bad for you. For months, my female readers have been shooting you down, saying that a man’s height is more important than anything else. I know many of you feel insecure about your height. That’s why I want to give you the most important gift of all — your self esteem back. This is truly my most favorite thing of 2005 — and it is not a consumer product. It is the knowledge that in matters of love and romance, a man’s height is not the most important thing. There are many ways to a woman’s heart, even when a man is short…

NSFW… click here