Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Men and Women (Page 9 of 11)

The Sidewalk of Love

August 1, 2006 / / 48 Comments

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Whenever friends come to visit me in Los Angeles for the first time, they always want to see Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.  In all honesty, this collection of Hollywood “stars” is completely cheesy, but I guess stepping on Humphrey Bogart’s “star” is about as close as most of us are ever going to get to shaking his actual hand.  After all, we go to cemeteries and interact with the tombstones as if they were the actual person, so why not relate to a piece of the sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard?

One can laugh at the corniness of the Walk of Fame, but the concept has been imitated countless times over.  In my travels, I’ve seen a Cowboy Walk of Fame, an Astronaut Walk of Fame, a Yiddish Theater Actors Walk of Fame, a Surfer’s Walk of Fame, and even a Physicist’s Walk of Fame at Caltech.  I will not be surprised if someone already has the url: bloggerswalkoffame.com

I’ve seen this “walkway” idea morph into other concepts that move away from the “fame” idea.  Before I moved back into Los Angeles, I lived a few miles south in the beach community of Redondo Beach, where Sophia still lives.  The next town over is Hermosa Beach.   

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In 2000, the town created a “Millennium Walkway” at a local park.  Local residents could purchase bricks to be etched with their names.  But unlike the theme being famed Hollywood actors or astronauts, the theme was a simple one —  “Love.”   Each brick would bear the name of a loving couple, mostly those who were happily married.

It was a beautiful, romantic idea. 

It was also incredibly stupid.  

Because a stone symbolizing a couple’s love “forever” is more of a crap shoot than a Hollywood star immortalizing Judd Nelson’s acting career.  What could be more fleeting, more ephemeral –  than love?

Six years after the Millennium, several of the marriages celebrated “forever” have already gone kaput.    In fact, three divorced couples are in a battle now with the city of Hermosa Beach to rip out their names.   Two of the requests have come from new wives of two men whose names remain etched in brick with those of their ex-wives.

Hermosa Beach Community Resources Director Lisa Lynn reluctantly acknowledged receiving the requests by telephone.

“One wife was going for a romantic stroll with her new husband and low and behold, she saw his ex-wife’s named etched in brick,” Lynn said. The one ex-husband who contacted the city said his new love would not marry him as long as his ex-wife’s brick haunts her millennial footsteps.

Lynn responded to the requests by saying the city has no plans to remove any of the walkway’s 738 bricks, she said.

Do I hear lawsuit?

I always hear of lovers who get a tattoo of their beau’s name. Does it ever come off?  Or are you forever scarred with a remembrance of that relationship gone bad?

On the day that Sophia and I moved into our place in Redondo Beach, the City was doing some work repaving the sidewalk right outside our garage.   After they left, we took a tree branch and engraved our initials into the cement.  It is still there.  I look at it every time I visit.  But rather than it being a negative memory, it reminds me why I keep coming back.

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A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  The Fourteen Millionth Most Popular Blog

BlogHim ’06

May 15, 2006 / / 82 Comments

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BlogHim
Opening Session
Date: Today
Location: Santa Clarita, CA Holiday Inn – Conference Room #F
Moderator: Neil Kramer

Neil stands in front of a group of about 300 dedicated male bloggers of all races, religions, and ages.

Neil: “Welcome to the First Annual BlogHim Conference. Many have asked me why I have started this conference catering to the male blogger. Is this conference just a pale imitation of the BlogHer Conference being held at the Hyatt San Jose in July? Absolutely not. BlogHim is much more important than BlogHer. Look online. Who rules the blogosphere? It is the female blogger. The Mommy Bloggers. The Dating Bloggers. The Dooces and Stephanie Kleins. Men are the poor cousins of the women in the personal blogging world. I am frequently asked by male readers: “Neilochka, why are you always ass-kissing your female readers with topics of interest to them? What about us men?” I am guilty as charged. That’s why I’ve started BlogHim. BlogHim will strengthen us as a community — a community of men talking about issues important to us as male bloggers. Let me open up the floor to any questions or comments concerning men and the blogosphere.”

BLOGGER #1 raises his hand.

Neil: “Yes. Please tell us all your name and what blog you write.”

Blogger #1 (standing) “My name is Roy. I write a blog titled, “I Love Linux.” I have a question I want to ask all the other male bloggers.”

Neil: “Go ahead, Roy.”

Blogger #1: “I’ve been pondering this question for a very long time. In fact, I think about it every time I go online. Of all the female bloggers out there, which one would you most like to f***?”

Neil: “Interesting question. Anyone?”

BLOGGER #2 raises his hand.

Neil: “Yes. Please.”

Blogger #2: “The name is Trent. My blog is called “‘NYMets4Ever.” And if I were to pick just one blogger to f***, it would be Xxxx of Xxxxxx.”

Blogger #1: “But she’s like fifty years old!”

Blogger #2: “Experience, baby!”

MALE BLOGGER 3 stands, excitedly.

Blogger #3: “Hey, I’d f*** her, too! Oh, excuse me. My name is Edgar and I write “The Conservative Daddy.” I don’t know about the rest of you, but have you seen the photo she posted on her blog on Sunday? She’s hot! And she has great tits.”

Blogger #1: “That photo is of her daughter, who was visiting for Mother’s Day.”

Blogger #3: “Oh. Well, so, you know what — I’d f*** them both!”

Blogger #2: “Absolutely!”

Blogger #3: “Hey, I’m curious about everyone else? How many of you have f***ed mother and daughter bloggers at the same time?”

All the men look at each other, warily. One hand goes up. Suddenly, all the hands go up.

Blogger #1: “What about you, Neilochka?”

Neil: (nervously) “Yeah, yeah, of course. I’ve even f***ed a daughter, mother, and grandmother blogging team.”

Blogger #1: “Wow! No wonder you’re the moderator. Tell us more.”

Neil: “That’s for tomorrow’s breakfast seminar.”

Blogger #2: “You’re the man, Neil. You have so many female readers. You must be f***ing all the time!”

Neil: “Sure, yes…blogging has been good to me.”

Blogger #2: “Me, too. Ever since I started blogging, I’ve been like f***ing one woman after another! How about everyone else?”

Everyone nods their head in agreement. Shouts of “Woo-hoo!” are heard.

Blogger #3: “Neilochka, you’re so lucky to be separated. Ever since I got married, I’m stuck with my wife. And she won’t even go down on me anymore.”

Blogger #2: “That sucks.”

Blogger #3: “Yes, but she doesn’t!”

Blogger #1: “Ha ha ha. Good one!”

Blogger #2: “Yeah. If there’s one thing male bloggers have that female bloggers don’t, is an excellent sense of humor.”

Blogger #3: “I love you guys. All of you guys. You’re like family to me.”

He hugs the blogger sitting next to him.

Blogger #1: “This conference is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve learned so much already.”

Blogger #2: “I really want to learn how to f*** more female bloggers, just like the rest of you guys.”

Blogger #1: “I thought you SAID you’ve already been f***ing a lot of female bloggers?”

Blogger #2: “Oh, yeah, of course I am. I’m f***ing them all the time. I just want to do it more. There’s never enough f***ing, is there? I mean, that’s why I’m blogging, right?!”

Blogger #3: “Right on, Brother!”

Neil: “I really appreciate your honesty, Edgar. That’s what BlogHim is all about. Gentleman, I think we’ve all made friends for life here. I’m so glad we’re having this opportunity to get together as men and talk about what really matters to us as male bloggers! Now, let’s bring in those kegs and strippers!”

Shouts of Woo-hoo!

What I Learned on the Internet Today

April 7, 2006 / / 26 Comments

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Women, you’re Not a Failure if You’re Not in a Relationship

(terrific post by Stephanie Klein)

"It’s amazing how we think of ourselves as failures because something doesn’t work out.  Yes, we see it as a learning experience.  We see it as "for the best," but really, deep down, we worry that we’re failing at this.  At being with another person.  At making it work.  Instead of realizing, maybe it just wasn’t the right person.  No, screw maybe.  You’re not a failure when a relationship ends.  The same way you’re not a success when one begins.  Too many women are beginning to measure their worth on the merits of their relationship.  "But I was the only woman in that room without a ring on my finger, and it just…"  NO.  Stop that.  I’ve been her, too.  I’ve been in and out of "us," the kind of "us" with a ring.  It didn’t make me more of anything.  And it didn’t make me less once I was alone.  You’re failing yourself when you measure you that way.  Instead, value yourself on the strength of your female friendships, on the wise old women you can turn to for guidance.  On your ability to make people laugh, or think, or know that you’ll always be there for them.  Even when they feel like the failure."

Men, you are a Failure if You Show Any Fear

Self-Confidence — How to Develope the Self-Confidence You Need to Succeed in as Few as 31 Short Days!

"We should not apologize to ourselves. A sense of the dignity of life, and the sovereignty of the soul, should keep us strong and positive. We should be too big for the little habit of excuse-making. Self-depreciation never won a single battle of life. It has, on the contrary, killed ambition, weakened the will, and incapacitated thousands of men for noble work. Apology is weakness on parade. Avoid it. Observe some man who comes toward you, walking with short, jerky steps, his dress careless, the corners of his mouth turned down, keeping well to one side of the walk. As he passes, he gives you a hasty, frightened glance, which tells you unmistakably of despair, discouragement, and failure. The man’s whole life probably has been negative in its character and outlook. The daily, and perhaps hourly, streams of false suggestions poured into his mind have at last overwhelmed him and his life closes in an eclipse.

Many a man tormented by fear and timidity does not realize what a flood of negative thoughts daily affects him. He hedges himself in with suggestions of limitation, incapacity, and unworthiness. He constantly thinks not of how he will succeed, but of how he will surely fail. When Washington Irving was asked to preside at a public dinner to Charles Dickens, upon his visit to America, he hesitated and said he would surely fail. It was pointed out to him that he was really the man properly to direct that high function, and at last was prevailed upon to accept. But to many friends he repeated his fear that he would fail. The night came, and before a brilliant gathering Irving arose to speak. He made an excellent beginning, but suddenly stopped and brought his remarks to a close. As he sat down, he whispered to a friend on his left, "There, I told you I would fail, and I did!""

Women, you Can Be Successful as a Stay-at-Home Mom:

Our Life:  Feeling Successful as a SAHM

"It’s taken a long time but I’ve finally realized that my achievements are extraordinary every single day. It is this recognition that I have given myself that doesn’t just make me able to mop another floor, wipe another nose, scrub another toilet, prepare a meal and not really expect a whole lot in return and be able to do it without grumbling and complaining, but to actually do these things with joy. I can wash the same clothes every other day, shop for the same groceries, run kids to the same practices and lessons each week, and know that I’m successful, because I know if I wasn’t doing those things that may at times seem unappreciated, that my family members lives would not be as pleasant or enjoyable as they are. In the same way that a nurse, or a doctor takes care of yet another patient (Hopefully because it makes them feel good) or a marketing person comes up with yet another witty ad, or a lawyer closes yet another real estate deal and feels successful for it when they have been acknowledged momentarily with a monetary or sometimes even maybe more satisyingly with a personal compliment or thank you, I can feel successful when I have found a knew way to deal with my children’s arguments or created a new meal that "almost" everyone liked, or knitted a new baby blanket for the newest baby coming, or delivered a meal to a neighbour or freind in need, or spent some time doing one of my favorite things, writing because it brings me joy. If we go about these things with a positive happy attitude, not expecting anything more then the realization that we are raising a happy, loving family then that can be a reward in itself and we will truly enjoy it."

Men, you are  Committing Career Suicide as a Stay-at-Home Dad:

from the Wall Street Journal

"When Steven Greenfield, a 40-year-old software-development administrator in San Jose, Calif., started looking for work early last year, he found he had some explaining to do. Managers kept quizzing him about his decision to stay home the prior four years to raise his three young daughters.

One interviewer asked him if he was gay or "just weird, since ‘stay-at-home dad’ isn’t something a man is willing to admit to," he was told. A second interviewer accused him of failing to keep current with technology because "raising kids was too time-consuming," although the interviewer never bothered to ask Mr. Greenfield about any of his specific technological abilities.

A third, informed of Mr. Greenfield’s stay-at-home status, simply seemed at a loss for words. The interview wandered off track, and ended quickly."

Briefs or Boxers?

March 1, 2006 / / 105 Comments

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I have worn the same basic white underwear for most of my life:  white Fruit of the Loom or Hanes briefs that I buy in a three-pack at Target.    Sometimes, I might throw in some color, but not very often.

I never gave much thought to my underwear.  I know my father always wore boxers, but I always assumed that those were “old man” type underwear.  I figured that men’s underwear was mostly a practical piece of clothing, mostly to prevent your dick from getting caught in the zipper.

But lately, I’ve been noticing that my style briefs have a bad reputation, something that I had no idea about.

I recently saw an online quiz which revealed “What Your Skivvies Say About You.”  My standard underwear got very poor reviews.

A Man who is wearing Tighty-Whities is telling the world: As far as maturity and mental development go, I peaked in the second grade. My idea of accomplishment is winning an internet flamewar. I can’t cook, and there’s a good chance my mother still does my laundry. Also, I couldn’t get laid if I walked into a whorehouse wrapped in treasury bills.

Wow!  I”m a walking fashion emergency.  And are they really known as “tighty-whites?”  How embarrassing!

Another online quiz asks —What kind of underwear do you wear?

Only 9% say they wear briefs.  9%!

That can’t be true.  Who buys all those 3-packs at Target?

Just what I need.  More things to angst over.  Work.  Relationships.  Health.   Now — my underwear.

So, dear readers, I need your advice.  in order to perfect my Neilochka makeover, do I really need to throw out all my “tighty-whites?”

When I take off my pants — is this what a woman really wants to see on a sophisticated, well-dressed man?

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Newsflash: Men Don’t Understand Women

February 15, 2006 / / 60 Comments

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My Valentine’s day was great.  Sophia and I went out to dinner and then saw a comedy show.   After many years of experience, I was smart enough to hold my tongue when I saw that this overpriced "Valentine’s Day Romantic Dinner" was fifty dollars a person (and ten dollars for a glass of wine!)  

Ah, the high cost of romance.  

I even let Sophia eat most of the overpriced cheesecake herself.  So, yes, I was a real Prince Charming. 

Our only small bit of conflict was over whether or not we should pay the five dollar valet parking fee or keep on driving around Hollywood.  Let’s just say, we ended up paying the fee.

One of the comics we saw was particularly bad, telling unfunny jokes about venereal disease (a Valentine’s Day favorite!) — so I zoned out and just gazed at Sophia, this beautiful woman across from me. 

"For all the years I know her," I thought, " I still don’t feel I really KNOW her.  Isn’t that weird?  Why is it so difficult to know a woman?  Is it just Sophia or do I understand women at all?  Do women make themselves intentionally mysterious or is that their true character?"

When I sat down to think about this subject today, my first thought was about men themselves.  Men have a simplicity and comaraderie that women frequently lack.  Women can be sweet, but they’re also more complicated — and way more catty and backstabbing than any man can ever be.

Recently, I played Texas Hold-em poker twice — once with a group of guys and once with a group of women.  With the women’s group, I was the only male player.  The guys played poker — period.  At some point, we ordered a pizza from Domino’s, but we hardly talked about anything but poker. 

Things were different with the women.  The women brought pot luck dishes.  One woman brought a catalog showing the future locale of her wedding ceremony.  She kept on repeating, "My fiance… my fiance… my fiance," like I once saw in a Seinfeld episode.  One single woman looked like she was going to bust a vein.  At the other game, not one male ever brought up his wife or girlfriend.   OK, maybe I did — but now I’ve learned better not to.  We were there to play poker — and to get away from the women — not to talk about them.  On the other hand, the women wouldn’t shut up about their boyfriends and husbands.

At the women’s game, the poker was merely a backdrop for more important issues.  Two women got into a nasty fight because one of them took too long deciding if she was going "all in."  They started arguing about some weekend in Lake Tahoe from THREE years ago when they both liked this guy from Israel, but only one got lucky with him. 

This is poker?  I had prepared for this game by watching poker TV shows, hoping to learn how to "tell" when a player was bluffing.  But not one of these shows gave me any advice on how to play with women who were more interested in fighting over some hunky Israeli than what cards they had.

Will men ever understand women? 

One of best thing about the blogosphere is that we can turn to female bloggers for advice and information on the opposite sex.

Some bloggers are already doing a public service.  For instance, Trixie of Bated Breath, just wrote a post titled "Trixie’s Guide to Woman-Speak."   That’s perfect!  Just what we need:

Let’s face it. For men, understanding the inner-workings of the female mind is nearly impossible. At times, we can be incredibly vague, often leaving men searching for the appropriate answer so as not to find their nuts in a vise. On other occasions, we pepper our statements or questions with innuendo, leaving everything open to the males’ interpretation.

What a useful post!  I wish more women would help us clueless men.

Immediately, hundreds of questions come to my mind that I would love answered by some woman.  For instance:

1)  How can you be so neat and put-together, but your purse be such a mess?

2)  Why will you kiss me, but not use my toothbrush?

3)  Do women really talk like they do in "Sex and the City?"

4)  Are you really bullshitting about that PMS thing just to get some extra attention?

Valentine’s Day Blogger Serenade

February 13, 2006 / / 57 Comments

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Happy Valentine’s Day, Sophia!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Mom!

Happy Valentine’s Day, Beautiful Bloggers of the Blogosphere! 

May We All Find True Love and Blog About it!

And now for your listening pleasure, I sing the classic "Love Will Keep Us Together," originally sung by the Captain and Tennille. 

My voice may not be perfect, but my heart is in the right place.

Blogger’s Fashion Emergency

February 9, 2006 / / 61 Comments

I know many of you wonder what it would be like to meet me.  I know you visualize me as someone ultra-sophisticated and artistic-looking, a cross between George Clooney and Bono.  But I have a feeling that when you finally meet me, your first thought will be, "Gee, Neilochka dresses really bad."

I know this is a shock to you:

I have very little fashion sense. 

I went from being dressed by my mother as a child, to dressing myself shitty in black "Queen" concert t-shirts as a teenager, to being dressed by Sophia, back to dressing myself shitty again.

Here is my current uniform:

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My father wasn’t a very good dresser, either, but at least he wore a shirt and tie everywhere.  And I mean EVERYWHERE, even to the beach.  We once had to leave this touristy "Cowboy" steak restaurant in Tucson because there was a sign reading "No ties allowed.  We will cut them in half."  And there was an actual guy with scissors standing at the front door. 

We ate at the Olive Garden instead.

DING DONG. 

"Oh, it’s the door.  What is this?   Danny?  Akaky?  Melissa?  Helen from Malaysia?  Is this a Blogger’s Fashion Emergency?  Sophia, did you set this up?

Where are you all going?  Into my closet?  You’re not throwing out all my clothes, are you? Not the Queen t-shirt!  I know it’s too small.  But isn’t that bearing-midriff style fashionable now?  And That’s Freddy Mercury on the back of the shirt.  The "Bohemian Rhapsody" guy.  I can sell that shirt on E-bay!"

In honor of New York’s Fashion Week, I am going to transform myself into a stylish man this weekend.. 

For my makeover, which of these fashionable looks do you most prefer?

1)

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2)

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3)

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4)

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5)

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6)

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My hair is also a mess.

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Which hairstyle would work best for me?

1)

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2)

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3)

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4)

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5)

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6)

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Thanks in advance!  I know I can always depend on my readers for good advice.

Today, We Are All Valentine’s Losers

February 8, 2006 / / 79 Comments

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Next week, is one of the most dreaded days of the year, Valentine’s Day.    The whole concept of this commercialized holiday is more offensive to me than any Danish cartoon.  I know I will not be reading any blogs that day.  I don’t want to read about your "hubby" buying you some overpriced flowers or that you bought your cute girlfriend a little teddy bear that says "I love you, sweet ass" when you press his tummy.

First of all it’s rude.  Don’t you realize how many people don’t have sweeties in their lives?  Believe me, I’ve been there.  Don’t you remember when you used to cry on Valentines’ Day?    Suddenly you landed some dorky partner and now you want to shove it in everyone’s face.

Things work differently here at Citizen of the Month.  At this blog, EVERYONE IS A VALENTINE’S LOSER.  Imagine the scene in "Dead Poet’s Society" when all the students got on their desks and said "I’m a dead poet," or whatever they said in that melodramatic movie. 

That’s why I SINCERELY suggest that we all stand with our comrades-in-blog who are single and miserable, and write —

"I am a Valentine’s Loser"

— in the comments to this post.  What a great way to make the REAL LOSERS feel better about themselves!  And that’s what blogging is all about, isn’t it?

Of course you might be asking yourself, "What do you know about being a loser, Neilochka?  After all, you have Sophia."

Did you forget that I’m separated?  That I live in this crappy bachelor pad?  That I’d like to have some woman playing with my penis rather than me talking to it all the time?

Yes, I’m a loser —

just like all the rest of you shlubs. 

And don’t think you can wriggle out of this just because you have a wife or a boyfriend. 

You may be confident now, with your snotty nose held high.  But think about it.  Maybe your wife will leave you, fed up with all the time you spend blogging rather than taking care of her sexual needs.  Or if you’re a female blogger, maybe you’ll come home one day and find your husband shagging your blogging pal from Chicago.  Who’s in trouble now?  

So, even if you are happy now, there is a high probability that you will be a future Valentine’s Day Loser. 

So, don’t feel so sure of yourself.

So, come, let’s stand together across the blogosphere and write in the comments here —

"I am a Valentine’s Loser."

That said, I don’t want anyone feeling depressed on February 14.   There is nothing sadder than just getting one Valentine’s Day card every year — from your mother.  (yes, my mother still sends me a card). 

If you are in that situation, would you like to have an extremely sexy blogger sending you a personalized Valentine’s email?

Yes, if you are depressed,  I will send you a Valentine’s Day email on February 14th.  Just leave a message in the comments or send me an email.

And just to show that this blog isn’t all about the women, Sophia has volunteered to send a Valentine’s email to any forlorn, horny man who leaves a message in the comments or at my email address.

Let’s spread the love around!

Wanted: A Hot Scorpio Woman

January 31, 2006 / / 132 Comments

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I’m a man of science, so astrology, like tarot card reading and mind-reading, is just pure nonsense to me.  Is there anyone out there who believes in astrology?  Don’t be shy.  I’m open-minded.  Maybe you can explain how it all works — why your birth date and the way the solar system is on that particular day, has any bearing on your personality.

Usually, I write my Tuesday post on Monday night.  Tuesday is the biggest day of the week for me in blogland.  For some reason, I get the most traffic on Tuesday, so I always try to prepare the most entertaining and heart-wrenching post for all of my dear readers.

Just as I was about to start writing, I got a phone call from Sophia.  She was coming over and going to stay the night.  Now, this is an extremely unlikely situation.  Whenever we have some event planned, I always go over to her house.  So, this was a big treat.  I rushed around my apartment, washing my dishes, changing the sheets, and washing some towels. 

Of course this posed a dilemma:  Do I write my important Tuesday post for a bunch of dumb strangers or pay attention to Sophia, a real live gorgeous woman?  (by the way, I decided to like boobs again)

So much of our relationship works, and so much doesn’t.   Sometimes I think it is our "love signs" that are working against us.  In fact, once we were in Borders and we looked inside some huge book titled exactly that —  "Love Signs."  We looked up the compatibility of Pisces (me) and Aquarius (Sophia).  The author wrote something like this:

"No self-respecting astrologer would wish this romantic arrangement, even on their worst enemy.  Your emotional rhythms and temperaments are rather different. Pisces is gentle, non-competitive, somewhat passive and has a need to get away from it all on a regular basis. Aquarius, on the other hand, needs involvement in the world and the flow of contemporary life.  This is NOT a match made in heaven."

We didn’t fare much better in Chinese astrology.  One book suggested that Sophia should be in a cool room and should sleep facing north, while I need a warm room and must sleep facing south. 

The scary thing is that many of these details about our relationship rang true.

I’ve been looking at some astrological websites today, trying to learn more about this subject.  It is not good news for Sophia and me.  Romantic-tips.com had this to say:

PISCES & AQUARIUS: – This is not the best union. The Water-bearer is far too cool and detached for you. Your tears and tantrums will soon tire the Aquarius.

AQUARIUS & PISCES: – This is a pretty dicey combination. The Fish’s emotional blackmail only drives you further away. The Pisces is likely to end up hurt and confused.

Uh-oh.

Maybe it’s time to just accept the logic of the stars.  Maybe it’s time to focus on finding a woman who is better suited for me. 

Yes.  What I am really looking for is a SCORPIO.

PISCES & SCORPIO: – This is a highly sexual union. You love to be possessed and cared for with the deep, warm affection that the Scorpion can provide. Truly a match made in heaven.

Are any of you Scorpios out there?  Because if you are, we need to talk, immediately.

Here’s how I would get along with the rest of you.

PISCES & ARIES: – You are far too sensitive for the aggressive Ram. You will be left behind to drown in your sorrows. An unfortunate match.

PISCES & TAURUS: – This is not a bad connection, however the Bull can get upset with your impractical nature. You, on the other hand, may find that the Bull is too stubborn.

PISCES & GEMINI: – Your emotional blackmail will usually hold a Gemini, however sorrow almost always prevails. A very destructive union for both parties involved.

PISCES & CANCER: – You belong together. You are both sensitive, weepy and love to dwell in self-pity. This is a great match, certainly lasting, however someone negative and moody.

PISCES & LEO: – You are doomed in this alliance. The Lion is too outgoing and you are far too sensitive. A hurtful relationship with little substance.

PISCES & VIRGO: – This is your polar attraction. It can be extremely perverse in the bedroom, but difficult at a mental level. You are impractical and this will really try the Virgoans patience.

PISCES & LIBRA: – You are both creatively inclined, however you are just not sophisticated enough for the Scales. Librans also have trouble putting up with your emotional whims.

PISCES & SCORPIO: – This is a highly sexual union. You love to be possessed and cared for with the deep, warm affection that the Scorpion can provide. Truly a match made in heaven.

PISCES & SAGITTARIUS: – This is not your best alliance as the Archer’s non-committal nature will hurt your tender heart. Your daily melodramas will drive the Sagittarius away.

PISCES & CAPRICORN: – This is not a bad combo in general however, you will probably run around on the Goat due to loneliness. You are also too wasteful for the Capricorn to deal with.

PISCES & AQUARIUS: – This is not the best union. The Water-bearer is far too cool and detached for you. Your tears and tantrums will soon tire the Aquarius.

PISCES & PISCES: – This is an emotional connection. Extremely good in the bedroom, but difficult out of the bedroom. You both crave attention and affection yet you want to do your own thing. Exhausting but exciting.

Here is the full list of all zodiac signs and their compatibility.  It is very important that you see where you stand with your spouse or lover.    This is a very classy and legitimate website, as you can tell from the tons of advertisements blinking in your face.  After you read about the state of your zodiac love connection, some of you may want to leave your spouse NOW before it is too late.

Not to be unfair, I looked up Sophia, and according to the stars, she should be looking for an Aries for a relationship (hopefully a rich one) and a Sagittarius for sex.

Ms. Neilochka

January 27, 2006 / / 59 Comments

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Because of the well-oiled media machine that loves this stuff,  I’m sure you’ve heard of the controversial book, Self-Made Man, by journalist Norah Vincent.  In it, Ms. Vincent dresses up as a man to explore what life is like as the opposite sex.   The reviews have been mixed,  especially in view of the author’s "shocking" revelations:

Strip joints are about "pure sex drive – completely empty of any meaningful interaction."

OR

Male sexuality is "a bodily function. It’s a necessity. It’s such a powerful drive and I think because we [women] don’t have testosterone in our systems, we don’t understand how hard it is."

You can hear her being interviewed here.

Like Ms. Vincent, I’ve always been curious about what makes the opposite gender tick.  What is it that makes women so mysterious?  So sexy?  How do they view us?  What hardships do they have to go through on a daily basis that I, as a male, can never understand?

Today, I found out.  I went undercover as a woman.

I woke up early in the morning to begin my experiment.   Luckily, Sophia had left some of her clothes over at my apartment. Like Robert De Niro in Raging Bull, I was going to get completely into my character. 

I started by putting on a pair of Sophia’s cotton panties, the cute ones that say "If You Can Read This, You’re Getting Laid" on the ass.   Next was picking the outfit, which wasn’t as easy as I expected.  I once saw a neighbor on the second floor wearing the same Donna Karan dress that Sophia left in the closet, so there was no way I was going to wear it today.  What if I met the neighbor in the elevator and we were wearing the same outfit?!  How embarrassing. 

I finally settled on this perfect little black dress that Sophia found at Nordstrom.  It was simple, but chic.  It also did wonders for my figure.  Girl, you don’t want to hear about my hips since I drank all that egg nog at Christmas!  Don’t worry, soon I’m going to start that New Years’s resolution and go to the gym.  Yeah, right.

The best part of my outfit were my new shoes.  Ladies, look and weep!

After I was dressed, I grabbed my purse and headed out.  I decided to start my experiment at my local Ralphs Supermarket.  Would I be treated there any differently as a female than I had been as a male?

As I went up and down the aisles, I made sure that I only  bought gender-specific products:  low-fat yogurt, low-fat ice cream,  low-fat milk, Kotex, and Soap Opera Digest.  I did buy one small package of regular Oreos, but don’t tell the others at Weight Watchers.

At the check-out counter was a real hunk.  He was a good-looking young Latino with strong arms and sparkling blue eyes.  He scanned my items and I took out my VISA.  As I swiped my credit card, I noticed that he was staring at me.

"So, this is what its like to be a woman." I thought.  "To be a constant object of a man’s animal-like lust."

"I.D.," he said.

Suddenly, I realized I had a problem.  As I rubbed my chin, which is a nervous tic of mine,  it occurred to me that I had forgotten to shave and I had three-day old stubble. 

I handed him my I.D.

"Neil Kramer?"

"Yes."

"You look very different here."

"Oh, that’s a terrible photo of me anyway!  I never come out good in photos.  I always look so fat!"

"Excuse me for asking.  But, uh, Neil Kramer, are you a lady?"

I knew I had to lie.  Or my experiment would be ruined.

"Yes, I am.  And that’s Ms. Kramer to you,"

"It says here on your I.D. that you’re a man."

"Maybe you need glasses, sir."

"I don’t need any glasses.   Do you have another photo I.D.?"

"I resent the way you’re being condescending to me just because I’m a woman."

"Listen, you’re a dude, man."

"Oh, so why are you looking at my cleavage?"

"You have no cleavage.  You’re as flat as a tortilla."

"Misogynist!"

"What?  What the hell does that mean?  Is that some sort of insult about me being Mexican?"

"Oh, I heard about you Mexican guys.  You talk a good game, but three minutes in the sack and you go "adios, muchacha."

"I’ll show you adios, muchacha, you bitch!"

The Ralphs check-out guy jumped over the counter and threw himself at me.

"What the… Help!  Help!  This man is attacking a woman!"

‘You’re no fucking woman.  You’re loco, man.  Loco."

"Help!  Rapist!  The feminists are right!  They’re all rapists!  Men are all rapists!  Police!"

Luckily, there were three LAPD officers in the supermarket, buying a box of Krispy Kremes.  They jumped the check-out guy and knocked him out with a taser gun.  BZZZZ.

One of the cops was nice enough to comfort me.

"You’re OK now, Miss.  He’ll be out for quite a while." he said, as he pinched my ass.  "By the way, what are you doing later for dinner?"

MY CONCLUSION:  Men are Pigs.

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