Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Category: Men and Women (Page 8 of 11)

I Love You

November 7, 2006 / / 49 Comments

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This afternoon, Sophia and I watched some reality/food TV show called “Take Home Chef” on TLC. In the show, hunky Australian-British chef, Curtis Stone, accosts clueless women shopping in a Los Angeles supermarket and invites himself over to their home to cook an elegant meal. In the episode we saw, Curtis finds a pretty brunette in the cereal aisle, a stay-at-home mommyblogger in the making, who finds it impossible to say no to Curtis’s offer of a “surprise” dinner for her vegetarian husband (or be on TV).

As Angelenos, Sophia and I recognized the supermarket as the upscale “Gelson’s Market” which must have assured the producers that the “victim” would be in the right upscale demographic. As Curtis and the wife drive home (from now on I will refer to her as FM — future mommyblogger), Curtis asks FM to call her husband to make sure he won’t be home until five o’clock, plenty of time to prepare the surprise meal.

FM calls her husband on the phone. They blab a bit. Before FM hangs up, the husband says, “I love you,” and FM answers, “I love you, too.” How cute!

Later, in the show, as Curtis prepares his eggplant and risotto, FM calls her husband again, to double check his arrival time. Just like before, the conversation ends with mutual “I love you”‘s.

As Sophia and I sat on the couch, watching this nonsense:

Neil: “Did you see how they always said “I love you” to each other? Every single time. Maybe that was our problem. Maybe we didn’t say “I love you” enough.”

Sophia: “We always said, “I love you.”

Neil: “But not after every phone call.”

Sophia: “That was not our problem.”

Neil: “Maybe we should try their technique. Always saying “I love you” at the end of every phone call.”

Sophia: “Now?”

Neil: “Why not?”

Sophia: “We’re separated. Just because you’re here doesn’t change our status.”

Neil: “We still love each other, right?”

Sophia: “Sure… but…”

Neil: “Maybe this will just help us to relate better…”

Sophia: “It’s cute, but…”

Neil: “But don’t you love me, regardless of…”

Eventually, I wore Sophia down and she agreed to try my experiment.

The rest of the TV show sucked. The dopey husband came home to his big surprise, tried to look happy while really looking pissed, and the couple ate their vegetarian meal while Curtis said goodbye and left their lives forever.

Later, I went to Starbucks for a cup of coffee. As I tried to do the crossword puzzle, Sophia called me up and asked me to pick up some groceries at the supermarket (not Gelson’s).

Neil: “Sure.”

Sophia: “Thanks.”

Neil: “I love you, Sophia.”

Sophia: “Oh, right. I love you, too.”

As I drove to the supermarket, Sophia called me again.

Sophia: “You know, I’m actually pretty hungry now. Rather than going to the supermarket, could you go to the Thai restaurant and bring back some soup and a noodle dish?”

Neil: “OK.”

Sophia: “I’ll see you soon.”

Neil: “Wait… wait…”

Sophia: “Yes… yes, I love you.”

Neil: “I love you, too.”

I made it to our favorite Thai restaurant, which we think is run by three Thai teenagers, who take turns cooking, serving, and singing Thai karaoke.

I ordered some spicy noodles.

“What type of meat?” asked Thai Teenager #1.

I called Sophia on the phone and asked her the same question. She wanted “beef.”

“Beef,” I told the Thai Teenager, then sat down to wait for my order. As I listened to Thai Teenager #2 singing some Thai disco song, I realized that something was wrong with the world. I quickly dialed up Sophia on the phone.

Neil: “You forgot to say “I love you.” at the end of the last conversation.”

Sophia: “No, I did say it. But you hung up too quickly to hear it.”

Neil: “No, you didn’t. I said “I love you,” and then I was waiting for your response.”

Sophia: “You never said ‘I love you!” You asked me “What type of meat?” I said “Beef.” And then you hung up.”

Neil: “No, you said, “Beef.” I said, “I love you.” And then nothing.”

Sophia: “You’re crazy. You didn’t say anything after I said “Beef.””

Neil: “Maybe you didn’t hear me. Maybe it was the reception. Or you thought I said “Beef” when I said “I love you.””

Sophia: “I’m not going to mistake “Beef” for “I love you.””

Despite wanting to continue with my experiment, I knew this was not for us.

Neil: “You know what? I think if we continue saying ‘I love you” after every phone call, we’re not only going to get divorced, we won’t even want to talk to each other.”

Sophia: “Thank God you realize that!”

Neil: “Do you want white rice or brown rice?”

Sophia: “Brown rice.”

Neil: “OK, see you soon.”

Sophia: “Bye.”

Later, I went home and we enjoyed our Thai food lovingly prepared by Thai Teenager #3. The rest of the night was very nice and we didn’t say “I love you” even once.

Sometimes, love is never having to say “I love you.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Dating for Liberals

Stuff Dudes Don’t Want to Know About Women

November 3, 2006 / / 60 Comments

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For the second day in a row, women complained to me via email about how I objectified Sophia in her photo when she is sick with the flu. The truth is that no man wants to see a girl looking bad, even when she has a 101 temperature.

Women, take note: If you want to attract men and keep them, you need to learn the dos and don’ts of acceptable gender behavior. One of the main reasons we are with you is because you are hot-looking. Why should we have to suffer looking at you without lipstick just because YOU feel shitty?

Hey, hey, hey, hold on there! Before you call me a misogynist ass, let me tell you that I didn’t learn about these “rules” in the male locker room. No, I learned about them today while standing in line at the supermarket leafing through the November issue of a women’s magazine — Cosmopolitan. On Page 58 of the “Cosmo Men” insert, there is a compelling article titled “Things Guys Just Don’t Want to Know About You.”

“There are certain topics that weird out dudes or bore them silly or simply annoy them…. Here’s a list of what to avoid bringing up if you want to keep your dude around…”

First of all, I don’t like being called “dude,” but that just might be my own personal rule.

Here’s the Cosmo list:

Your Weaknesses

“Spilling your guts to a guy you barely know is a surefire way to turn him off or, worse, make him think you’re a head case. Bottom line? Keep your eBay addiction, midnight binges, and obsession with bad reality TV on the down low.”

However, your addiction to oral sex is acceptable to discuss on a first date.

How Tired You Are

“In this fast-paced, snooze-you-lose world we live in, complaining about how beat you are just makes you sound whiny.”

Just like we don’t want to see you sick, we don’t want to see you tired. Erica Kane can be trapped in a mine shaft for a month on “All My Children” and still walk out looking fabulous. If you want to keep a man you must always be bubbly, vivacious, and eager for sex — even if you worked a sixteen hour day at your job. Leave your work problems at the office so you can focus on us listening to us talk about our jobs!

That Your Hair Is Different

“If the guy you’re with doesn’t notice your new do on his own, forget it! When you have to point out that you switched up your look, here’s what goes off in his brain: “Alert! She’s fishing for compliments.””

Hear! Hear! We don’t care about your hair, your nails, or your new shoes. Just look slutty. That’s all we ask.

Your Choice of Feminine Hygiene Product

“I’ll keep this one short and sweet: Most guys use the words tampon and pad interchangeably — and trust me, we’re completely happy not knowing the difference between them. If it stops the flow (or has anything to do with below-the-belt issues), we don’t want to know!”

Unfortunately, marriage has ruined me. I do know the difference between a tampon and pad. I just wish I was able to turn back the clock to those days when I was innocent and pure.

That You Read the Latest Mind-Blowing Sex Tips in This Magazine

“We don’t want to hear about them — we want you to do them.”

And if you do read this magazine, read it in the supermarket. I can use that $4.95 to buy Stuff Magazine.

The Fact That You Think Another Guy Is Good-Looking

“It’s not an insecurity thing. It’s a we-don’t-care thing. For example, calling another man handsome is a conversation stopper.”

Except George Clooney. He is sort of handsome.

Your Diet Strategy

“The goal of every diet is to get to a certain body weight. And just like vacations, nobody cares how you got there. We just care that you’re there.”

Do you know there is now negative zero sizes coming out by Nicole Miller? Don’t talk about it. Do it!

How Smart You Are

“Guys are looking to avoid that overeager girl who goes out of her way to show everyone exactly how intelligent she is. If you find yourself using the names Hemingway, Dostoevsky, or Nietzsche more than once per conversation, you may be guilty of academic name-dropping, which reeks of insecurity.”

This is probably the most important rule to follow. There’s a reason the librarian always TAKES OFF the glasses. We like the woman to be stupider than us. Of course, a woman should read, but preferably material like Cosmopolitan, chick-lit, or maybe a few mommyblogger blogs. Nothing too heady. Men are known to be better in math and science, so please don’t try to show off any of your math skills. It is a real turn-off. The only mathematical term you should be using in conversation with a man you are dating is “big,” as in “My Gawd, you are so big!”

Now, are these simple steps THAT complicated to follow? Believe me, we’re worth it.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Stars of David (or my Mother will Find this Funny)

Make Me Insecure Friday

October 26, 2006 / / 69 Comments

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In the tradition of Poetry Tuesday and Sunday Scribblings, I’d like to welcome you to the hottest blogging craze — Make Me Insecure Friday!

Yes, it’s Friday.  You’ve worked hard all week.  But before you go home and have a relaxing weekend, why not sit back while I tell you what a loser you are.

Today’s topic is:  Numbers.

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Numbers. 

Is there anything that makes us more insecure than numbers? 

The Top 10.  The Big 5.   The Technorati 100.  Hah Hah, I’m sure you’re not ANY OF THOSE!  

Have you looked at your blog stats today?  The numbers are down… way down!

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By the way, what exactly is your net income?  Is that ALL you make for doing that?

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Ooh, is that the Infiniti M35 you’re driving?   Nice, but NOT as nice as my Infiniti M45!

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Are you really a man who is under six feet tall?  What woman is going to date you other than Linda Hunt?

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Jeez, are you a woman with only an 32A cup?   Is your father Flat Stanley?

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And you’re over 35 and still not married?  Crazy woman, crazy woman!

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You’re not partner yet?  What kind of man are you?  You should be making twice as much as your father!

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My friend Trish is a size 4 and laughs at the big women who are size 6 and 8.   I have news for you, Trish, the laughter is over.  Nicole Miller is coming out with sizes that are LESS THAN ZERO.    That’s right — NEGATIVE ZERO clothes.

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Let’s make believe you’re a condom manufacturer in Japan.  You’re coming out with a new brand made specifically for men who want a condom that is, uh, of average length and narrower than others.  What would be a good name for this condom?  Let’s see… how about Beyond Seven! 

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Imagine the happy woman who sees you take out your Beyond Seven condom, and then…

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This is Jiro Okamoto, President of Okamato Industries, maker of Beyond Seven Condoms.  He sure looks funny, doesn’t he? 

I also bet you he makes 100x money than you will in a lifetime.

I hope you’ve enjoyed Make Me Insecure Friday.  Make sure you come back next week for another installment!  

Have a great weekend!  I’ll be cleaning up the house, and being insecure.

Strong, Silent Type

October 17, 2006 / / 48 Comments

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Cover Your Mouth wrote this comment on my last post after I worried that my post was being taken too seriously:

Listen Neil, if it makes you feel any better, I don’t give a shit about your financial stability or whether or not you’re “getting what you deserve from your marriage.” I come to this site everyday because your posts make me laugh. As long as you’ve got the 6 bucks a month it takes to keep a blog going and your relationship with Sophia continues to provide humorous post material, then I’m happy. I hope my callousness has lifted your spirits.

Why did I actually enjoy this comment?  Why am I actually more comfortable with a comment like this than a caring one?

Men usually write comments like that.   I usually write comments like that. 

MY father was not a strong man physically.  I never saw him get into a fight.  He wore Woody Allen type glasses, but you couldn’t pay him to actually watch a Woody Allen movie.  He loved movies about men.  Real men.  John Wayne.  Clint Eastwood in his spaghetti westerns.  James Bond.  Men who never complained, but always got things accomplished.  In reality, he was nothing like these characters at all, but I think he felt like he was the man in charge and the moral compass of everyone.  He never complained about his health or let anyone pick up a bill.  That’s what Gary Cooper would have done.  He would go bonkers to learn that when I had dinner with Sarah last week — SHE picked up the check.   Now that’s a shonda.  (Yiddish: disgrace)

Sophia’s step-father, Vartan, is an elderly man.   He walks with a cane.  He has trouble lifting one of his arms.  He never lets his wife carry the grocery bag.   Even I need to fight with him to do something for him.   It would hurt his pride to be seen by others as needing anything.

Every day I watch All My Children, along with Sophia, and countless other viewers.  Every man on that show is like a rock, always there to rescue Erica or Kendall or Babe from some traumatic event or emotional breakdown.  The man’s main role in life seems to be “a rock” for their woman.

I don’t consider myself a stereotypical male.   I love Broadway musicals.  I’m more than happy to let Sophia use all the tools in the house.  I do not touch a hammer or a nail.  I’ve never opened the hood of my car without the presence of the guy from AAA.  But during the last two posts, I heard my male ego scolding me: 

Neil’s Male Ego:  “Why are you setting yourself up on your blog for people to care?  And women, especially.  You don’t want anyone to worry about you.  That’s unmanly.  A man doesn’t take advice.  A man manages on his own.  A man takes care of his own marriage.  His own career.  He doesn’t ask for help or show any concern.   Does Clint Eastwood ask for help?”

Neil:  “You got a point there.  Like a quarterback.  He can’t have any doubt.  Win one for the Gipper!”

Neil’s Male Ego:  That’s right.  Just laugh away everything.  You spend way too much time with the girls.  Stop reading those knitting blogs and those poetry blogs.  Join a fantasy football league.  You need more male readers.  They write the comments you are comfortable with — the sarcastic, uncaring ones, you know — like the ones you write.   Write less about Sophia and more about your “dinner date” with Sarah of “The Delicious Life.”  So, why exactly is her life so delicious?” 

Neil’s Penis jumps up in protest.

Neil’s Penis:  “F**k your male ego, Neilochka.  Don’t listen to him.  You just keep on doing what you’re doing.  Anything that gets their panties off.”

Neil:  “But, Penis, I thought women like the strong, silent, manly type.”

Neil’s Male Ego:  “You see.  You’re doing it again.  You’re setting yourself up for female bloggers to say, “Oh, Neil, that’s not true!  We love sensitive men like you.  We are modern women.  We don’t like those boring manly types. We feel bad for you…”

Neil’s Penis:  “Good, Neilochka!  Let them say that.  Maybe one of them will finally f**k you!”

Neil:  “That’s not why I’m blogging, Penis.  I just don’t want readers to lose their respect for me.  I don’t want to appear needy!”

Neil’s Male Ego:  “That’s right, Neil.  Be a man.  Be strong.  Remember the Alamo!”

Neil’s Penis:  “Your male ego is so old school it ain’t even funny.  He’s never going to get you f**king again.  Listen to me!  Be a puppy dog if it will work!  Women like vulnerable.”

Neil’s Male Ego:  “Shut your mouth, Penis. No woman wants a man who makes LESS than she does…”

Neil’s Penis:  “Bite me!  He’s an “artist.”  Let her pay the bills while he does the shagging…”

Neil:  “Help!  Someone help!”

Arthur Kramer, Neil’s father, comes down from heaven.

Neil:  “Dad?!”

Arthur Kramer:  “What is it, Neil?  I’m in the middle of watching “The Guns of Navarone” on DVD.”

Neil:  “I’m having an internal conflict over being a man.  I need you… as my father… and as my main male role model.  Can you help me?”

Arthur Kramer:  “Well, I’ll tell you one important thing.”

Neil:  “Please do, Dad.”

Arthur Kramer:   “And I want you to forever remember these words of wisdom that are coming from the afterlife itself –”

Neil:  “Yes…”

Arthur Kramer:  “No man lets a cute food blogger pay her own restaurant bill!  And pay for you too?  What a shonda!”
 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Heaven or Hell

Pee Like a Man!

October 10, 2006 / / 84 Comments

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(Manneken Pis in Brussels)

Men, let’s be honest.  Women online are selfish. We  care about their issues — body image, fashion, mommyblogging, etc., but when it comes to OUR issues, they are strangely silent. How else do you explain the lack of outcry on this story from Norway?

The head of The Democrats Party, a splinter group of former Progress Party hardliners, Vidar Kleppe, is outraged that boys at Dvergsnes School in Kristiansand have to sit and pee.

Kleppe accuses the school of fiddling with God’s work, and wants the matter discussed at the executive committee level of the local council, newspaper Dagbladet reports.

“When boys are not allowed to pee in the natural way, the way boys have done for generations, it is meddling with God’s work,” Kleppe told the newspaper.

… [School Principal Anne Lise] Gjul told NRK (Norwegian Broadcasting) that the young boys are simply not good enough at aiming, and the point was to have a pleasant toilet that could be used by both boys and girls.

Can you imagine the humiliation that boys in Norway are going through? Why do we send troops to Iraq and not Norway? Is there anything more central to being a man than the joy of standing there, taking aim, and peeing? What boy wants to sit like a girl?

No wonder why Europeans are turning into a bunch of wusses.

I believe this is another step towards world domination by feminists. Does it surprise you that it it is School Principal ANNE Lise Gjul who is destroying the manliness of Norwegian men, a country once so famous for it’s virile men that a song was written about them — Norwegian Wood?

Pretty soon, I fear that men will be put into metal cages and President Hillary Clinton will sign a bill enabling women to marry their vibrators.

“Do you, Susan, take this pink vibrator…”

Things are especially bad in Europe.   Did you notice the statue of Manniken Pis (little boy peeing) that I showed at the top of the post?   Apparently, he isn’t good enough being Brussel’s long-time city’s trademark.

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In 1987 this statue of a girl urinating (Jeanneke Pis) was erected on the east side of the Impasse de la Fidélité / Getrouwheidsgang (Faith Alley), a narrow dead-end street some 100 metres long leading northwards off the restaurant-packed Rue des Bouchers / Beenhouwersstraat (Butchers’ Street). Now parents tell little boys that they have a “choice” over which method is more appropriate, but usually add that only “Americans” and “bad men” pee standing up and “peace-lovers” sit like a woman.”

I say, enough is enough.  It isn’t our fault that we can’t aim very well.

Years ago, when men were really men, we used to shoot animals with bows and arrows and guns. We achieved our aiming skills through ACTION. Now “feminists” have decided that “hunting” and “killing” are bad for society. Is it any wonder we piss on the seat? Mothers teach their daughters about having their first period.  Fathers DO NOT teach their sons how to pee.

Men, I say it is time to turn back the clock against the feminizing of society. I want you, whether you or at home or at work, to STAND UP — Yes, right NOW, stand up, proudly walk to the bathroom, pull down your zipper with a sense of purpose, and take a PISS! Take that PISS standing up! Feel the cool Fall air. Listen to the sound the water, so much like the mighty Colorado River. Feel a bond with men throughout history — Abraham Lincoln, Alexander the Great, Douglas MacArthur — all men who urinated standing up. Yes, even Adam peed standing up in the Garden of Eden. Shout it out loud, “I am a man and I take a PISS standing up!”

You’re a man, for god sakes. Pee like one!

Neil’s Penis’s Dating Rules for Men

September 8, 2006 / / 76 Comments

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Hello, I’m Neil’s Penis. Today I’ll be guest-blogging on “Citizen of the Month” because Neil is in the corner crying like a little wimp over Sophia. I have no idea why God punished me by attaching me to such a girly-man.

Now I know that Neil likes to be all cutesy on his blog, but I’m NOT Neil. I’m here to rant. And if there is one thing that gets my goat it’s all these so-called “experts” online giving dating advice. I especially hate it when they give advice to men because it is always bull***t written either by a gay dude, a clueless single guy who wouldn’t know what to do with his c**k if he had a chance, or some bitter broad who can’t find a man as good as her daddy. If anyone should give dating advice to men, you know who it should be? — ME! Is there anyone out there who knows as much about women as me? Neil might be a hopeless dummy, but I realize that with one snap of my finger, I can have half of Neilochka’s blogroll in bed catering to me. Because I know what makes a woman tick.

Now, I’ve seen some dumb sites in my time, but nothing is as idiotic as AskMen.com. Who the f**k are these “men” that are writing this crap — some New York pussywhipped eunuchs who rush down to Zabar’s every time their girlfriend wants some organic goat cheese?

In this lame article, AskMen’s “relationship correspondent” decides to help single men with the Top 10 “Secret Dating Rules.”

So, men, grab a manly leather chair. Listen to the s**t this moron says, and then hear what a real expert — ME! — has to say. Take my advice and I guarantee that you will be f***ing like a pro in no time!

Here is the introduction to this AskMen idiocy:

AskMen: “For as long as there have been men and women, there have been dating and dating rituals. Being the sly hunters we are, men have built up a reservoir of knowledge and cunning over the millennia on how to successfully woo the ladies over the first few weeks of a courtship.

There are many fish in the sea, and there are many baiting procedures you can use to reel them in. And though many women may be aware of some of our strategies, they surely don’t know of all of them. Let’s keep it that way, gentlemen. Keep these timeless secret dating tips under your hat and enjoy the learning process.”

Neil’s Penis: “Am I right about this writer being an asshole? I mean — do we even have to go any further?”

Dating “Rule” #10 — Wait three days before calling back

AskMen: “The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn’t think you’re desperate to see her. And it’s become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it…”

Neil’s Penis: “Utter nonsense. Of course this is the “Golden Rule.” She knows it is the stupid rule. Everyone who has ever seen a movie knows it is THE rule. So, are you gonna follow the rule? Of course not! Not if you want to get the pick of the litter babes. If you wait three days, you are telling the woman that you are nothing more than middle manager material who follows the rules and that the best you can do in the bedroom is the missionary position for four minutes flat. Did Alexander the Great follow the rules? Did Napoleon? Napoleon was a short little nudnik, but he got to f**k the hot Josephine every night — because he didn’t follow the rules. I say — call her up ten minutes after you get home. Then call her again an hour later. Show her that YOU follow your OWN rules, and she’ll be doing the Kama Sutra with you in no time.”

Dating “Rule” #9 — Take her where everyone knows your name

AskMen: “Another way to impress your new woman early in the game is to go somewhere where you already have a great reputation. By taking her to one of your usual haunts, you’ll get to showcase your smooth self in action among your vast circle of acquaintances…”

Neil’s Penis: WTF?! Is this guy kidding? You’re a single guy. What establishment knows your damn name? It certainly ain’t Cheers. It IS the strip joint. The Thai massage parlor. The sleazy dive where you once felt up that bartender’s mother in the men’s room. Is this where you WANT to bring your date? I say go to a place where no one has ever seen your face and — if the date doesn’t work out — will never see you again.

Dating “Rule” #8 — Resist sleeping with her early on

AskMen: “Aside from the fact that withholding yourself will keep her wanting you more, adhering to this rule also shows her that you’re a man who isn’t ruled by his loins…”

Neil’s Penis: “Now I’m sure this was written by some guy who has never been laid. This “expert” doesn’t know s**t about women. No woman spends two hours getting all dolled up and wearing the most uncomfortable goddamn high heels in the world, just for some mediocre dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. She wants to get laid as bad as you do! Why do you think she is wearing that new sexy underwear? She’s hoping you will actually see it while taking it off her! This dating “rule” is so stupid — and so insulting to women, that I’d like to shove a RULER up this writer’s loins.”

Dating “Rule” #7 — Limit your spending

AskMen: “One of the best ways to know if she’s a keeper is to find out how much money she expects you to spend on her. On early dates, take her to places where you don’t have to spend much, such as a coffee shop, lounge or boardwalk…”

Neil’s Penis: “Ha Ha Ha, now I’m wondering if Neilochka is writing this crap himself. Yeah, women just LOVE going on a date with Neil at Chicago for Ribs using a 2-1 coupon. What a cheapskate he is! But oh my, what if a guy actually spends money! I can see the scenario now as some girl comes back from her date and tells her roommates how it went: “Well, he’s nice enough, but he’s such a big spender! We took a private jet to Paris and we danced all night at this exclusive nightclub. I just don’t know if I want to go on a second date with a man who doesn’t “limit his spending.” This rule makes me want to puke.”

Dating “Rule” #6 — Screen her first few calls

AskMen: “While the 10th rule prevents you from appearing too needy, this one allows you to gauge whether she’s desperate…”

Neil’s Penis: “Huh? Am I reading this “rule” wrong? Desperate? Desperate is GOOD! This is the type of woman who is insatiable in bed — and then makes you French toast in the morning. I don’t see the problem, do you?”

Dating “Rule” #5 — Don’t offer her gifts early on

AskMen: “Very rarely are you going to recognize a woman as the love of your life within the first few months of dating her… So don’t get all goofy and start showering her with expensive gifts…”

Neil’s Penis: “More bulls**t! Let’s go back to the woman from our example. Now she’s come back from a date with a new guy, after dumping the big spender. She’s sullen. She wants to give up on dating completely. She drowns herself in chocolate ice cream as she tells a roommate about her miserable date, “Look, he bought me a diamond necklace! When am I ever going to meet a man who’s Mr. Right?” This writer should be banned from every writing another word.”

Dating “Rule” #4 — Be mysterious… but not weird

AskMen: “Remember not to volunteer any information about past relationships, your family or your job right away. Your woman will keep you guessing about her, so you need to do the same in return. Maintaining some intrigue keeps the spice in dating.”

Neil’s Penis: “This might have been true — in 1890! Today, anyone can find out the size of your c**k by searching for it on Google! There’s no more secrets. If anything, today is the day of promotion, marketing, advertising. You WANT to have a video on YouTube of you screwing the entire women’s volleyball team. In fact, rather than keeping secrets on the first date, I suggest you hand over a document listing every woman you ever shagged. Even better, try to get testimonials of how good you were in bed. It is asinine to keep a woman guessing. It’s like a job interview. She’ll just move on to the next candidate. Get in there, tell her what you can do for her, and start f***ing her already before she gives the job to someone else!”

Dating “Rule” #3 — Don’t flatter her too much

AskMen: “While it’s true that you will have to do some flattering in your initial flirtations, keep it toned down. The worst thing you can do is lay on the compliments too thick at the beginning.”

Neil’s Penis: “I hate emoticons, but you know the one where he’s rolling his eyes. Because that’s what I’m doing. Rolling my F***ING EYES! I’m not even going to spend time rebutting this one. Just take it from me, the FASTEST WAY, and I mean Freeway-fast-with-no-traffic fast, to get into a woman’s pants is to tell her how beautiful her eyes are. Case f***ing closed!”

Dating “Rule” #2 — Don’t meet her friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “Finding the time to date a new girl is always a challenge, so don’t make things more difficult for yourself by agreeing to meet her friends, as well… So keep her friends out of the picture until you feel confident that the relationship is actually heading somewhere…”

Neil’s Penis: “Don’t meet her friends yet? Why not? This is a pussy-boy’s approach. It is to your ADVANTAGE to check out her friends. Maybe there’s someone even hotter than she is? And think of the future. Chances are it’s not going to work out with this woman. It’s reality, dude. And the minute you go bust, so does the mind-blowing sex every Saturday night. But remember the Boy Scouts motto? Be prepared. Be prepared by planting the seeds with one of her friends beforehand, so if things go bad, you don’t even have to miss one weekend of f***ing. You can just slide another woman right into the slot. You see — the Boy Scouts weren’t so gay after all. There was wisdom there!”

Dating “Rule” #1 — Don’t let her meet your friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “It’s a two-way street, and it’s always best to keep your new woman away from your good buddies at the start, too. She may not be prepared for their sense of humor, or they may reveal things about you that you’d rather keep her in the dark about…”

Neil’s Penis: “Yawn. Amateur Hour. Women are women for a reason. They actually like when you SHOW THEM OFF to your friends. They light up like a the Las Vegas Strip when you ask your friends, “Isn’t my new girlfriend hot?! What do you think of her tits, man?!” And showing off your women does wonders for your career. In fact, many companies ONLY promote men with hot girlfriends or wives. That’s why it is important for you to take her out meeting people as soon as possible. Sure, it’s nice having her home in the bedroom. But every once in a while, you need to lift your nose up from between her thighs, look into her eyes, and say, “Hey, baby, let’s go take a drive so I can show you off to my friends and business associates.” She’ll melt in your arms.”

It’s the weekend, men. So, you know what that means. Get out there and start doing what comes naturally! We’ll compare notes on Monday in the locker room. And I suppose Neilochka will be back next time with his weepy Sophia s**t.

Neil’s Penis — Out!

Let’s Stop Ladies’ Night!

September 5, 2006 / / 32 Comments

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Being passive-aggressive, I don’t get into too many fights. I’m more apt to make sarcastic comments created to irritate the other person.

If a Republican is against affirmative action, I might ask his opinion of George Bush getting into Yale because of his father’s connections.

If an ultra-liberal is spouting off about the American education system, I might inquire why he sends his children to some fancy private school rather than supporting public education.

Artsy types love talking about the latest exhibit at the museum, but rarely about the robber barons that built the museum or the ethnic artifacts stolen from the culture of third world countries.

Last night I met some Angelenos in a hip restaurant. One of them was a pretty, intelligent film editor. We had a nice conversation. After talking about women in Hollywood, she switched subjects. She wanted to remind her friends to meet in some Burbank bar tomorrow, since it was Ladies Night, which meant free drinks! Of course, rather than keeping my mouth shut and possibly getting to see this woman naked, I HAD to bring up the inconsistency of a politically-minded person going to a “ladies night.”

“Isn’t it wrong to participate in some ritual that is clearly condescending to women, as if women cannot afford to pay for their own drinks?”

Later on, I went home alone.   After watching “All My Children,” I spoke to Sophia on the phone. Thankfully, she already knows I’m a nudge.

nudge (for goyim) [From Yiddish nudyen, to pester, bore, from Polish nudzi.]

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Citizen of the Month World Tour

Why I Want to Marry a Career Woman

August 26, 2006 / / 56 Comments

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Do you know about this controversial Forbes article: “Don’t Marry Career Women” written by journalist Michael Noer?

Women are all up in arms about it, but to me, it’s complete nonsense. Isn’t it obvious to most men? — the more money your wife makes, the better!

It’s simple. If she’s bringing in the big bucks, the less she is on your back about sitting at home in your underwear (or her underwear) and blogging! Let her work all day and make tons of money.

Of course, some men say they feel uncomfortable with a woman who is more “intelligent” or “high-powered” than they are. My response is, “What are you, a pussy? Marry the smartest woman you can! Beauty fades, but you always need someone to edit you blog posts.”

“Oh, sure,” I hear some men grumbling. “And what about the statistics that show high-powered career women are more likely to have affairs at work?”

I say, “Terrific!” More time for blogging at home. Who wants to put on fancy clothes and go out to some overpriced restaurant when some poor sucker in her office can do it for you? I’ll be catching up on All My Children. As long as I get to play with her tits every once in a while in between writing blog posts, I’m a happy man.

“But aren’t you afraid of your wife leaving you for her new lover?”

“Yeah, let’s see HIM stand around the Nordstrom women’s department for an hour holding her purse while she tries on a Tahari Pinstripe Skirt Suit. She’ll be back.”

Let’s praise the career woman!

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A Year Ago On Citizen of the Month: Granny, Won’t You Drive My Car?

Six Pieces of Luggage

August 13, 2006 / / 33 Comments

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Sophia was so nervous,
As we took our daily walk.

“I need to pack for Tuesday,
Cause I’m flying to New York.”

“Just grab something together .
It’s really no big deal.”

“Are you crazy?  I’m a woman!”
She turned upon her heel.

“I need a gown (for Broadway shows),
I need a coat (for August snows).
I need a bra (with the right cup),
I need a bra (that lifts me up).
I need cosmetics  (for sexy lips),
I need some hose (without the rips).
I need a dress (that’s girly and mod),
I need my laptop (and my iPod).
I need my shoes (my Kenneth Cole!)
I need my panties (the ones you haven’t stole!)
I need six bags to bring everything I ought.”
And I need YOU…

“Me?”

“…to drive to the airport!”

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  What’s the Matter with Kids Today?

Yes, I am Wearing Women’s Panties!

August 8, 2006 / / 79 Comments

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Rachel Kramer Bussel writes a popular sex column for the Village Voice called “Lusty Lady.”  A couple of weeks ago, she wrote an article titled “F***ing and Feminism”.   In the article, Ms. Bussel criticized feminists for their ideological views on sex, one which pooh-poohs women doing anything “submissive” to men, such as giving them oral sex, getting bikini waxes, or enjoying being “spanked.”

“I may like to get spanked until I scream, but I still deserve to be treated as an intelligent human being. Submitting sexually doesn’t equal becoming a doormat outside the bedroom.”

I agree.  If a woman wants to be spanked, why not?  That doesn’t mean she can’t be a nuclear scientist or get equal pay for equal work.   Of course, if ALL she wanted to do all night was get spanked, I might wonder about some of her “personal issues,” but I would still recommend her to friends if she was a good neurologist.

What I found most interesting about the article was when Ms. Bussel talked about men’s sexuality:

“Men are also unfairly judged—as brutish horndogs selfishly out to get as much sex as they can. The truth is, they’re confused and constrained by the “macho” role too.”

She went on to talk about the desires of men that “aren’t sanctioned by popular culture,” such as wearing women’s panties, getting tied up, and other kinky stuff.  These men are frustrated, because they are afraid of opening up to their women.  What if their girlfriends/wives laugh at them?

The great irony to it all was — as I was reading this — I was wearing women’s panties.

Yes, I did just say that.   I was wearing women’s panties.

You expect complete candor and honesty when you come to Citizen of the Month, and damn it — you’re going to get it!  If you want to take me off your blogroll right now, let it be so.  I will not hide behind this facade anymore.

I will come “out” as a panty-wearing man as a public service to all men who want to express themselves in new and exciting ways.

This might come as a surprise to you, since I  normally seem pretty white bread.

“Neilochka, why WERE you wearing women’s panties?” you might ask.

Well, there is actually a story behind it.

Saturday night, Sophia and I went to a wedding.  It was a nice ceremony and romantic to see a couple so much in love.  During the ceremony, Sophia and I had a little discussion.  We decided that if we ever divorce and remarry, we’ll be each others’ best man/maid of honor.  Isn’t that cute?

The wedding had an “Italian” theme and the programs were all shaped like wine bottles.  The only glitch in the wedding was that the specialty wedding cake was decorated to look exactly like a large wheel of Italian cheese.  Unfortunately, people started slicing it up when they walked in, thinking it was an appetizer of real cheese.

Sophia and I danced for a large part of the evening.  It was a lot of fun.  We even re-danced the “first dance” from our own wedding — a swing dance to the Andrew Sisters’ Bir Mir Bis Du Shein.  Later that evening, we met a single woman who was by herself, so we invited her to dance with us.  Let me tell you — dancing with two women — that was as close to a threesome as I’m probably ever going to get!

The next day, I got up early because the radio station was calling me at 7:45 AM for my radio “interview” with Washington Post radio about Mel Gibson.  After the interview, I was wired.  I suggested to Sophia that we go have some breakfast..   She agreed.

Now, remember — Sophia and I are separated and live in two different homes.   As I started to get dressed to go out, I realized I only had my underwear from last night.  After all my dancing, I was all sweaty, and I certainly didn’t want to put on the same pair of underwear.

“Sophia, do you have any of my underwear around?”  I yelled.

“No, I think you took them all to New York.”

This was the trip we took to New York and the Berkshires several weeks back.  Which meant that most of my underwear were still in my luggage, sitting in my living room at the other apartment.

“I have no underwear!” I sobbed.

Now, in our past discussions on underwear, I learned that many of you like to go “commando,” which is an expression I had never encountered until I started blogging.   Let me just say, in the strongest terms possible, that I find going “commando” completely uncomfortable and unsafe.  God would not have created underwear if he meant man to be freely flopping all around like that — especially when there are dangerous zippers nearby, ready to snare their prey.

No, I would not go “commando.”

Instead, I went into Sophia’s underwear drawer.  I pushed aside the thongs (how do women wear those things?) and the granny underwear (hey, I’m fashionable!), and tried to find something that was as close to a male brief as possible.  My closest choice was a cotton yellow brief with red trim, and “I Love Curious George” written across the ass.  It didn’t fit perfectly; it looked like a small Speedo with Curious George’s face in front, but it would do until later.

And yes, I am still at Sophia’s right now  — and I am still wearing her panties!

I hope you realize how brave I am for telling you all this.  I hope this enables men all over the blogosphere to explore their own sexuality and not be afraid to experiment.   Men love to tell stories about getting into the panties of some woman.  But how many are confident enough to tell a story about getting into the panties of some woman — and I mean literally wearing them?!

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