the writing and photography of Neil Kramer
I’m overly-emotional today. I wrote four posts, and none of them felt right, so I trashed them. And I’m having one of those “what the f*ck am I doing online?” days that we all have at least once a month.
Here are two photos of me singing karaoke on Saturday night. While I was singing, a woman I didn’t know jumped up and started bumping and grinding against me. You can see the fear in my eyes.
(photos courtesy of Yvonne)
It was a wild last few days, and by wild I mean I left the house and spoke to people.
On Wednesday, I had a long lunch with my friend Noel, who is an extremely talented and funny musical theater composer. He told me what to see and what to avoid on Broadway this year. Here is one of his songs I found on YouTube —
“Marry Me” by Noel Katz
On Thursday, I sneaked into the end of a corporate demonstration of some new-fangled kitchen blender. The event was being held at the ritzy Mandarin Oriental. A company had FLOWN female bloggers from around the country into NYC for the big moment! I have a feeling you are going to be seeing a lot of “positive” reviews for this “mind-blowing” kitchen appliance this week on about fifty blogs. I was there to say hello to some blogging friends, and procrastinate from writing. After their catered lunch, I guided a few into Central Park for a “tour” until I realized that I had nothing of historic or city lore to convey.
“Uh, and this is a TREE in Central Park,” I told Sarcastic Mom.
On Friday, I went to a reading at a small theater downtown. The show was titled Expressing Motherhood. Ten mothers of different ages and styles told stories, some funny and some sad, about motherhood. It was terrific.  It is an on-going event, and there is a new cast each time, so you can audition yourself for the next LA production!
In this NY cast were Liz of Mom101 and Kristen of Motherhood Uncensored. I wanted to support my fellow bloggers, even if they are evil mommybloggers, even if most of my recent interaction with them was complaining about their “Blogging With Integrity” badge. It was certainly difficult to reconcile my previous image of them as mommyblogging dictators with the friendly mothers on stage, telling funny stories about their kids (even though Mom101 was wearing these cool leather boots, but they were way more sexy than anything Mussolini ever wore). Both bloggers were wonderful on stage.
On Saturday, I met more bloggers. Yvonne of Joy Unexpected, a long-time online friend of mine, was in town visiting HER buddy, Isabel of Alphamom. The night with this group of bloggers such as HeatherB and Torrie (so many freakin’ names and links to remember!) is a bit of a blur. I know we started out eating cheeseburgers at the Shake Shack, which is a snootier NYC version of California’s In-N-Out, but without the New Testament quotes on the wrappers, but somewhere, somehow, there is apparently a video of me singing Prince’s Little Red Corvette at a karaoke bar.  I didn’t get home until 3AM.
I hope one day to get drunk and sing karaoke with all of you.
Tonight is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish year. I don’t want to give the impression that I am religious in the traditional sense, but I do fast during the day, and I like the idea of the High Holidays.  It is also a day of remembering family members who passed away. You light small candles, called yahrzeit candles, that stay lit all day. It made me a little sad to see how the number of candles has increased throughout the years.
Are there winner and losers in this world? The importance of success in life weighs me down, like a ship’s anchor.  Is it all a matter of fate?  Or attitude? Or is it choice? Do I always make the wrong choices?  The loser’s choices? Can I change my ship’s direction, from losing to winning? And how?
On Tuesday, I had two offers to attend different networking parties in Manhattan.  It would have been a good opportunity to meet some editors and publishers.  But I already had plans.  I went to a NY Mets game with an old friend. I had fun with my friend, but was it the “winning” choice?  Probably not.  No networking possibilities. No new connections.
I grew up in Flushing, Queens, so it was natural for me to grow up being a Mets fan, despite them being famous for their losing.   In elementary school, all my friends were Mets fans. But as the years ticked off, my friends would switch sides and root for the Yankees, the “winning” New York team.  I clearly remember when Russell T arrived in class wearing a Yankees jacket and cap!
“Hey, Russell, what the hell are you doing?!”
“I’m done with the Mets.  I’m for the Yankees now.  They’re winners!”
It was Russell’s first step to a winning philosophy.  Russell was the Tony Robbins of Parsons Junior High School.
“Think about it…?” he asked. “Why hang out with loser friends or follow a loser’s team?  I’m choosing “winning.””
At the time, I saw him as a sell-out , but perhaps he was the smart one.  It didn’t surprise me when I recently found Russell on Facebook that he wasn’t 300 pounds and divorced four times like I had hoped — but a freaking ultra-successful partner in a law firm married to a former Miss Connecticut!
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My father had some issues with winning and losing.  The first time we went to Las Vegas as a family on a summer vacation, we played the slot machines together, my parents and I, sitting around the machine as a family unit. I remember how fun it was to pull down the lever. My father “allotted” us each $25 dollars each to play with, which lasted about an hour.  In the elevator going to our hotel room, we encountered a sharp-looking guy who had just finished playing black-jack.  He had slick-backed hair and looked like a gambler you would see in old movies.
“How did you do?” asked my father.
“Pretty good,” replied Mr. Slick, flicking a chip with his finger.  “And you?”
“We were LOSERS!” said my father, proudly.
It might seem odd that my father was so confident in his response, but in his mind, he was bragging to the other guy.  Sure, the gambler might have won today, but my father was smart enough to know that the casino always wins.  He also wanted to teach me an important lesson — don’t strive for the unattainable.   If you know your limits, you will be happier. He had zero belief that we could ever hit the jackpot in a casino, so only fools would try. To this day, I don’t gamble when I go to Las Vegas. I eat and go to see the latest show by Cirque de Soleil.  Gambling is a waste of time.  I can hear my father in my head. Why waste your money if chances are that you are going to lose?
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I was over at my mother’s home yesterday in Queens. She was playing cards with her friend, Laura, a seventy-ish, white haired woman who lives on the third floor of the same apartment building.   Apparently, my mother, unlike my late father, does gamble, at least with pennies and nickels. As my mother dealt the cars, she asked me to go over to Walgreens to pick up a few items. She handed me the sales circular that we received in the mail. She had circled what she wanted — laundry detergent, toothpaste and a 24-roll package of toilet paper. It was a good buy for the toilet paper.
“It’s for one of the good brands!” she said.
“That’s a good price for the toilet paper,” said Laura. “Would you mind getting me one, too?”
“Sure,” I said.
I walked the three blocks down Kissena Boulevard, entered Walgreens, and bought the items. After the salesgirl rang up the items, she slid the two 24-roll packages of toilet paper towards me.
“Sorry,” she said, “but we don’t have bags that are big enough for these.”
“So, I’m supposed to take it outside like this?”
“You still want it?” she shrugged.
It annoyed me that Walgreens would offer a sale on 24-roll packages of toilet paper, and then not supply the store with large enough plastic bags.  This is going too far, even for the Green movement. If I was still living in Los Angeles, I would just throw the packages into the trunk of my car. Here, I had to walk home.
I took my items and went into the street, a 24-roll package of toilet paper under each arm. It was the longest three block in my life. No one wants to be seen walking down the city street carrying 48 rolls of toilet paper. It destroys all street cred. I could see the stares, both from strangers and residents of my apartment building.
“How often does that Neil take a crap?!” I could hear them muttering.
I made it into my apartment building, and sighed with relief. As I walked to the elevator, I faced my last obstacle. It was the sexy single black mother with the short black hair and the beautiful eyes, who had recently moved into the apartment on sixth floor. I had always wanted to say hello to her — and here I was — holding 48 rolls of toilet paper.
LOSER.
That word was immediately flickering on my forehead, like a neon sign.
I tried to make myself feel better by finding humor in the situation, much as my father might have done.
“Just my luck!” I said to myself. “For months I’ve been waiting to talk to this woman — and now, here I am, the ultimate sucker, holding 48 rolls of toilet paper. Funny.”
But it wasn’t really funny.  I wasn’t put on this earth so I could come up with funny stories about my life and write them in a blog which makes me no money.  THAT is being a loser.  I am living my life for ME. I was going to TRANSFORM this LOSER moment into a WINNER moment.
I took a deep breath and turned towards the woman, the gigantic toilet paper packages gripped in my hands.
“Hi there,” I said smiling. “There’s a big sale at Walgreens! Can you believe they didn’t have any plastic bags for these.”
I rose the toilet paper packages into the air, like dumbbells.
“Not good,” she said, shaking her head.
“You should go to Walgreens yourself and buy one. This is a good brand.”
“I know. I use that toilet paper brand too.”
Wow. We both use the same toilet paper.  We were bonding! I continued on with this intriguing conversation.
“I buy a lot of off-brands products at the supermarket,” I said. Like for paper towels and dishwashing liquid. But I think it is important that when you buy toilet paper, you buy the best!”
“I agree. I’ll go to Walgreens later and buy myself a package.”
“Good for you.  Although you’re going to have to take the walk of shame home, carrying the toilet paper without a bag.”
“Well, you did it… and you survived.”
By this time, we were in the elevator, and it had just stopped on the first floor. This was my floor.
“Have a nice night,” I said, as I stepped off.
“Thanks. You, too,” she replied, smiling.
This was not a great story. But as I walked into my apartment, carrying 48 rolls of toilet paper, I felt like a winner.
We were on the couch, kissing and undressing, when I suggested we go into the bedroom.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure I feel the same way about you anymore?” she said.
I pulled back, suddenly feeling very alone, like a lonely sailor on a clipper ship on a dark New England shore.
“I need you,” I said, as I reached out to her breasts, the two precious, flickering lighthouses that could save me from my solitude. “And I thought everything was going so well?”
“It was.” she replied,” her blue eyes showing a restrained affection. Â “I once found you so…manly…”
She nervously took out a cigarette from her purse. I wanted to tell her to quit, just like Schmutzie had done recently, but I didn’t want to make waves.
“And now I’m not “manly” to you anymore?” I asked, my voice trembling.
“It all happened on September 17th.  In the beginning of the month, you promised to blog every day in September, and then, on that infamous day, you said you just couldn’t go on. You couldn’t handle the pressure. You broke your promise.”
“I hated blogging every day. It made me feel so unfunny and self-absorbed and selfish and stupid. There was even this blogger who sent me an email, complimenting me, saying she wished she could be as productive! And instead of saying thank you, I sent her a sarcastic email back. “You want to write every day? It is easy. You just ignore all the other bloggers out there, all your friends, and never read their posts, and never comment and act like you are the only voice important in the world, and then you will be able to post every day.”
“That was a bit assholely of you.”
“Yeah, I’ve been a jerk all week. Sweetney wrote this interesting post that drove me crazy, where she shares her affection for Kanye West after the VMA awards. She wrote that we must separate the art from the artist, and even said, “I’m a person who has long stated that I would rather be friends with an interesting asshole than a boring nice person.”
“So, do you disagree with that?”
“No, but it got me thinking a few days before the Jewish High Holidays about what is important to me in life. It made me wonder if I should just be a jerk to the world and only care about myself, because when it comes down to it, people are judging you on your final product and not on how you act in the world. Theoretically, if I push an old woman down a flight or stairs and then write a fantastic blog post about it, I might even get to win a award for it!”
“You really are losing it.  Just relax.  Blogging is just a silly hobby. Worry about your REAL work, the stuff that PAYS YOU MONEY, not this shit. You’re being manipulated by those who ARE making money through blogging to make you think that BLOGGING is super-important.”
“This is what happens when you blog every day.”
“I still don’t see what the big deal is about blogging every day. It isn’t nuclear science. Just put up a video or a photo.”
“Don’t you get it. No one wants to think about themselves all the time. And by blogging every day, it is like going into therapy every day.  It is uncomfortable. It drives you insane. And then there are distractions all around you, all the time. Mamatulip wrote a post two days ago where she complained about her inability to get any writing done when her family is around. Just to cause her more grief, I wrote this nerdy comment on her blog —
I once read this book about being creative and writing — I think it was called The War of Art, but I am not certain, and the thesis was a bit scary — the ones who are going to most frustrate you and hold you back from any creative endeavor are going to be those closest to you – your spouse, your kids, and your best friends, and that you almost had to view them as “the enemy†to get anything done. It made sense because those are the ones who are dependent and love you, and the most fearful of you taking too much time for yourself. I think this author would probably tell you that during those afternoons alone, you need to throw the phone out the window.”
“So are you saying that if you really want to accomplish anything, you have to be an asshole to everyone and ignore your family?” asked the beautiful woman on my couch.
“Have you ever seen a movie about a brilliant musician, artist, or writer who hasn’t cheated on his spouse, ignored his children, chopped off his ear, or committed suicide?”
“No offense, but you are not writing a symphony here. You are writing a stupid blog about your mother and your penis. Get over yourself. No one really cares about you. No one knows you.”
“You mean Redneck Mommy doesn’t really want to do me?”
“No.”
“What about you?” I said, with a sly smile. “I thought that’s why you came over and we were making out?”
“Yeah, I was going to f*ck you, but things changed when you decided to quit blogging every day in September.”
“What’s the difference? I’m still the same person!”
“Don’t you get it? For a woman, sexy is in the mind. You were very sexy when you were blogging every day, like you were a Homeric hero on a journey, just like you described yourself in your first post this month.  But once you quit, eh.”
“I’m not quitting blogging. Just blogging once a day…”
“I’m sorry. It’s all in the mind. It’s like now I visualize you kissing my special spot, and then suddenly getting all bored after you get a hair up your nose, and saying, “Can we move on already?” I want someone who I know can go the extra mile, not a quitter.”
“Are you saying that if I quit blogging for the entire month of September I will be sending the message to others that I will be lousy in bed?”
“I’m not sure I can ever have an orgasm with a quitter.”
“WTF!”
“Yes. Women are weird. We think that way.”
“Can’t you just fake it?”
“Sure. An once you quit blogging every day, all your female blogging friends are going to say, “Oh, Neil, it is fine if you want to quit. We understand.” We have a mothering instinct. We want our sons to try their best, but if they strike out during little league, it doesn’t matter.”
“So, why not the same for me?”
“Because we’re not your mother, asshole. You already have your mother IN Queens to coddle you. If you want to be with a real woman, you better be prepared to finish the job!”
“But I will. I promise I won’t give up! I’ll never give up.”
She started to close her unbuttoned blouse.
“No!”
“I’m sorry. Stop reading the phony crap in Cosmo and let me tell you what REAL-LIVE WOMEN talk about in the locker room. Rule #1 —
If a Man succeeds, he gets a blowjob like no other
But a Man gets zilch if he quits before Rosh Hashana”
“That doesn’t really rhyme, and it is rather insulting to men… and Rosh Hashana.”
“Woman’s prerogative.”
“What kind of double standard is that? Why do I have to perform like a solider in the Foreign Legion just to prove my worth, my manhood? Why can’t I quit, or fail, or give up — and still get laid?”
“Ooh, Project Runway is on!” she said, turning on the TV.
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I can’t quit doing this — blogging every day in September — can I?
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Editor’s note: This was truly an anxiety-producing post.  I had to go to take a nap immediately after I published it. I’m not sure why yet.  It’s probably about my own shame I would feel if I quit doing something as unimportant as a month of blog posts. Why would I react so strongly over something so silly?
Even more troubling — do I feel I am not worthy enough to be in a normal relationship until I prove something?
Fall is a time of introspection.
Shana Tovah to my Jewish friends!  A happy, healthy, and joyous New Year.
If you would see the family “caricature” drawn years ago on a vacation in Cape Cod, still hanging on my mother’s wall of family shame, you might say, “Boy, Neil, you must have been a geeky teenager!” Looking at myself back then, I would say you were probably be right. Yet, I would still have the problem of identity that I was discussing yesterday on my blog. Was I really a geek? How do I give you, the reader, a fuller picture of reality? Or even more importantly, how do I see myself honestly without spending thousands of dollars in therapy?
Despite my goofy caricature, I did not walk around at the time thinking, “I am a geek.” I went around thinking I was smart. I was shy with girls, but at the same time, I knew my time was coming.  Basically, I was a neurotic mess, but sexy in my own mind.
Movies and TV shows rarely portray nerds and geeks realistically. A few years a go, I wrote a post about the TV reality show “Beauty and the Geek.” In this show, a male geek is teamed with a beauty queen so they can “learn” from each other and win the competition against other teams. As expected, the beauties meet the unsocialized guys with the broken glasses and unzippered pants and go “yuch,” while the geeks drool over the perfect blond cheerleaders.
Eh, I never bought it.  If these guys were really geeks, they would be comparing knowledge of Battlestar Gallactica triva, not wasting their time on these dopey women.  Some of these women were so dumb, picked that way for entertainment value, that I couldn’t understand why these guys would be remotely interested in them. Yeah, yeah, men care about the boobs, but as a certified geek, I know that we also have high standards.  We fantasized about the hot girl in high school, but she was also the one running for class president!  No nerd or geek ever wanted to go out with a cheerleader! We made fun of you. Pop culture is so one dimensional, thinking that “hot blondes with boobs” trumps all, that the geeky writers who work on these shows forget their OWN experiences as geeky high school students. Maybe the geeky writers are so desperate to portray themselves as the nice guy underdogs, that they forget that nerds and geeks can be assholes, too, mocking the pretty girl who doesn’t know the name of the vice president.
My high school was a NYC public school, vastly different than the suburban schools you see most movies. As in any school, there were cool kids, but I don’t recall it being extremely clear-cut who was “in” and who was “out.” There were athletes, there were druggies, there were criminals-in-training, there were math geniuses. The “coolness” was segmented, which is probably too complicated to deal with a true to life movie script. It is the same way that people say that “blogging is like high school.”  Of course it is — if you just hang out with the mommybloggers or the daddybloggers or the BlogHer bloggers, or the African-American bloggers, etc.  Outside of each niche and the set in stone hierarchy, no one might even know you exist. I know when I was working on the yearbook in high school, I felt like I ran the school. So did those working on the school newspaper. So did those on the basketball team.
We all want to be the sun in our own universe.  When I worked on a TV show, every niche of the production team believe himself the true creative force. The network executives who bought the show considered it their own. The writers felt that the words were based out of personal experience. The actors ignored the writers and acted like the dialogue flew out of their mouths through osmosis. The advertisers saw the show as a vehicle to sell their products.
The mind is powerful, and distorts reality, usually putting yourself in the starring role. So, yes, I was geeky back then, as can be seen in that caricature, but despite what anyone might have thought at the time, I considered myself quite cool, even if I was still trying to figure out how to ask a girl out on a date, something that has never quite been resolved.
The question remains:Â what is the real reality — how I view myself now, how you might view me, or how I actually viewed myself at the time?
I don’t like singling out specific bloggers on their birthday, because so many people have a special meaning for me, and I would feel obligated to write a post for every single person on his or her birthday, and then this blog would get pretty tedious, right?
But Dammit, it’s my blog. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut. Because someone has proven to be super extra special.
Happy birthday, Maggie of Okay, Fine, Dammit and Violence Unsilenced. You have single-handedly turned the word Dammit into a term of beauty and compassion!
During the last few days, there has been a lot of controversy over Obama’s speech to our children, the purpose which is to encourage them to stay in school and learn.  Was it right for a President to speak to schoolkids?  Was it indocrination?  Was he abusing his power as Commander in Chief.  As silly as these questions may sound to many of you, these are legitmate concerns.  I was surprised that so many of my “liberal” friends went into a meltdown over their fellow Americans speaking their minds.  The eggheads and granola-brains came out in force, insulting these for questioning an elected official in public, as if Stalin was still alive. Some of these “nitpickers” were even labelled as “racists.”
I believe these nitpickers are right, and there is a problem with President Obama addressing our children, but my reason is different than the others.   I believe that Mr. Obama is an honest man, one who cares about our American youth getting a quality education, one who I VOTED for, but he is NOT the right person to be speaking to our children.
Why? Because he went to elementary school school in Indonesia, avoiding the same traumatic experience that the rest of us had attending American elementary school as children. He has as much right speaking the truth about our nation’s schools as I do speaking at BlogHer.  What does he know?  Has he ever had to compete with his fellow students to sell the most Scholastic books for some cheapo Radio Shack radio or go to a lame school trip to the Queens Botanical Gardens? NO!
Who would do a better job speaking to our children? I would! I have the experience. I earned it attending New York public school from kindergarten through 12th grade. I loved school, with many fond memories. If I could, I would go back RIGHT NOW, ambling along, carrying my looseleaf notebook with the Aerosmith sticker plastered on front.
I also have a quality that Obama does not. I am not a politician, so I would not bullsh*t. Kids can smell bullsh*t. I would tell our children that yes, they must go to school and learn. Yes, they will get nowhere in life without an education (They might get nowhere in life WITH an education, even a very expensive one, but I might skip that fact in the initial speech, since I am trying to be somewhat inspirational).
Our educational system can fill your mind with wondrous knowledge and ideas, but is that the full story? No. I would look our youth directly in the eyes and tell them what we already know — the years ahead will also be filled with endless boredom. School in America is 45% learning, 35% sitting around homeroom taking roll call and throwing paper airplanes, and 20% fire drills, led by your “fire captain,” usually the geekiest kid in your class, the least helpful person if there ever was a REAL FIRE.
I would tell our youth that they must pay attention in English class, even though on Twitter, no one cares about grammar anymore! LOL.
I would tell our youth that it is important to focus on math and science, not because I did, but because our country is a trillion dollars in debt and if we don’t start doing something innovative, the Chinese are going to take over our country by 2025.
I would tell our youth to learn Chinese, for obvious reasons. Enough with the Spanish and French. Let’s get serious, folks. We’re not afraid of Spain or France anymore! Let’s learn freakin’ Chinese! I can order my burrito by pointing at the menu. As for the French — who really gives a sh*t?
I would tell our youth that class attendance is extremely important. It is a right AND a responsibility. BUT… and this is a big theoretical BUT, if by chance there is a James Bond marathon on TBS that afternoon, and you sneak out of school early to watch it while your mother is at work, try to do it during the courses that the Board of Education makes you take solely because the teacher’s union can’t fire those teachers because of tenure. We all know what classes I am talking about. Wood shop. Home Economics. Typing. Or those time-wasting assemblies where a children’s puppet theater performs a show on “Ethnic Diversity.”
I would tell our youth that there are classes which seem useless when you are young, but which prove important later in life — geometry and algebra, for instance. When you are in eight grade learning you might ask, “Why do we need to know about parallelograms?”  Years later, when you are taking the audition test to get on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” and they ask, “What is a parallelogram?” you will understand the wisdom of your elders.
One personal note. As a student, I hated gym. I was not an athletic student.  Today, I believe that physical activity is essential to America. We have become a bunch of fat slobs, when we should be epitomizing the Greek ideal of being strong in mind and body. If I were the President of the United States, I would require all children to take gym class. However, as a compromise to our youth, I would make the pummel horse illegal. What insane, sadistic individual decided that it would be wise to have scrawny teenagers attempt to jump over one of these monstrosities?
I will never forget the look of fear on my friend, Barry’s face, as Mr. Kaufman, out dim-witted gym/auto shop teacher, brought us over to the pommel hourse. He explained how we would run up to the horse, grab the handles and jump over to the other side. To demonstrate this, he asked Jake, already built like a boxer at age 12, to “show us how it is done.” I am certain that Mr. Kaufman had never jumped the pummel horse himself. So, there was NO WAY that Barry and I were EVER going lift our own weight over this thing and make it to the other side without falling SPLAT on our faces. Luckily, Mr. Kaufman was so dumb that you could ask for a pass to the bathroom and disappear, and he would never remember. I never did the pummel horse.
That goes to show, students, that despite it all, and everything your teachers say, when it comes down to it, sometimes you need to trust your own instincts, and fight authority.
That is the American way.
Now, let’s go out there and kick the sh*t out of the Chinese!
I was reading your writing, listening to the pain in your voices, and then, finally, I heard mine. It was faint at first, but as I moved closer, exploring my own sensation, the impact of my unsteady step caused a screech, the sound of an imaginary LP album skipping on an old wood-grained turntable of the 1970’s, jolting my eardrum. I twisted the knob in my head to the left, and turned the volume down, back to faint. It was better that way, I thought, not hearing this secret, painful message, embedded in the groove of the record, like the infamous “Paul is Dead” that Barry’s sister said you can only hear if you play a Beatles album backwards. All night, the air-conditioner blew on me, the icy breathe of a spiteful Nordic God, and I hummed to myself, avoiding any thought about my marriage.
F You, Blogosphere! F You Twitter! F You BlogHer! F You Blogging Badges! F You, Those with One Reader. F You, Those Making Millions From Blogging! F You, Facebook! F You Maggie Dammit! (That’s right, Even You, You All-Around-Good-Person And Talented Writer) No one escapes my wrath this time! No one!
I love you. I hate you. You inspire me. You bore me. You tease me. I tease you.
It’s time for me to leave the house, go into the city and SEE REAL LIFE!
Be back next week.
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