Category: Jewish (Page 7 of 8)

A Walk Around the Block

September 29, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 22 Comments

Today was our last morning of sitting shiva. In the Jewish tradition, at the end of the shiva, we are supposed to leave the house and walk once around the block. None of us knew the reason for this tradition, so yesterday, we asked a few of our visitors. We received many different "answers," including:

1) to get some exercise after sitting all week.

2) to show the rest of the neighborhood that you’re done sitting shiva.

3) to take all your tsuris (Yiddish for trouble) and get rid of it by throwing it on the first neighbor you meet!

Then Sophia looked it up online and found the most convincing answer:

Walking around the block is a symbol of the beginning of a return to normalcy. Also, there is a belief that the soul of the departed hovers around during the shiva, when everyone is talking about the person that died. In the old country, the cemetery was located at the edge of the shtetl (a village). At the end of sitting shiva, the bereaved would "escort the soul" to its final resting place.

So many friends and neighbors came this week and said so many beautiful things about my father. At times, my mother and I gave each other little glances when the praise for my father went over the top. It’s hard to think of your father or husband in "saintly" terms. As kind a person as he was, he also had his quirks, and I’d like to remember those as well as his good deeds. My father did plenty of things that drove me crazy. He was a neatnik, a hoarder, an obsessive scheduler, and the slowest dresser that ever existed. But that’s what made him my father. I want to remember everything about him, good and bad.

I’m not much of a spiritual person, but even I felt my father’s presence as we prepared to take our post-shiva "walk around the block." When we stepped outside, it was a little windy, so Sophia asked me to go upstairs and get her a jacket. As I turned back, a wind blew and the front door of the apartment building flew wide-open. I didn’t think much of it until I went upstairs and found that we had left our front door unlocked from when we were sitting shiva and the wind from the opening elevator made it fly open, too! It was a little eerie. But just in case it was my father’s spirit, I said hello to his photo in the living room, and then returned downstairs with a jacket for Sophia.

We took our walk around the block. It was very emotional. But as we took each step, things began to feel a little more normal, as we were moving from a state of bereavement back to a regular life. As we came around the corner, we approached Shoshana, an orthodox Jewish woman who lives in my parents’ building. Even though she was wearing an ugly skirt, I said to myself, "She has a really nice ass." I guess I was feeling a little bit more normal. The wind blew. I’d like to think that it was my father, agreeing with me about Shoshana’s ass.

A Shanda (Yiddish for Shame)

September 28, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 32 Comments

When I was a kid, Jewish mothers used to compete with each other over their sons’ professions. Back then, the big battle was between "my son the doctor" and "my son the lawyer."

No more.

Today while sitting shiva, three middle-aged Jewish Mothers from the apartment building came to visit:

Jewish Mother #1: So, Neil, are you still in California?

Neil: Yes, Los Angeles.

Jewish Mother #1: My son lives in Encino. He has his dermatology practice there.

Jewish Mother #2: My son used to live in California. Then he became a partner at a law firm in Fort Lauderdale. He loves it there.

Jewish Mother #3: My son was an ER doctor in Atlantic City. Then he was fired for gambling during work hours.

Jewish Mother #1: Molly, what a shanda!

Jewish Mother #2: This is terrible!

Jewish Mother #3: Oh, no. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. Now he’s a professional poker player and he’s always on that Texas Hold ’em show on the TV. He’s won three gold bracelets and a few hundred thousand dollars last year. He even says he’s good friends with Ben Affleck.

All the other mothers went ooh and ahh over "my son, the professional gambler."

Modern Talmudic Question

September 27, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 20 Comments

If a rabbi comes to make a shiva call and there are no available parking spaces outside so he parks "illegally" in the parking-lot of the next-door supermarket, is he required to buy something from the store or is it considered stealing?

Sitting Shiva

September 26, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 45 Comments

My friend, Barry, explained to me how the Catholic wake works: the family sits facing the open casket for a couple of days. In the beginning, everyone is all reverent being in the presence of the deceased. By the end, the family is talking about the Yankees while the body is still there. After the funeral, the family finds it easier to return to their normal life. It’s a system that seems to work.

Jews have their own system, which is done the opposite way. It is called "sitting shiva." After a death, the burial occurs as fast as possible. Then there are seven days of sitting shiva. The family sits in the house and is visited by family, friends, and neighbors. It is a bit of an odd system, since you end up retelling the story of "what happened" dozens of times, as new people show up. But since it is a Jewish event, there is always a lot of food involved. In fact, you are supposed to bring food for the family so they don’t have to cook. In reality, it doesn’t exactly work out this way. You are put in the position of being a host to large groups of people at the exact point when you are most exhausted from the funeral. At least Jews do thing differently.

It is considered a "mitzvah" (a good deed) to "pay a shiva call" so many neighbors come, even those that aren’t close to the family. A few times, my mother and I didn’t know the names of the people. Sophia came up with a plan where we would look over at her, signaling that it was time for action. Sophia then would stand up and say:

"Hello, I’m Sophia. Thanks so much for coming. What’s your name?"

As crazy a system as this is, it is nice to meet all of my father’s friends and co-workers. We heard some funny stories about my father. My uncle Edward had the best story, which is about how my father became a physical therapist.

It seems that during the Korean War, my father was assigned to be an MP (Military Policeman). This is hard to believe because my father was a scrawny Jewish guy with Woody Allen glasses. He was assigned to transport North Korean prisoners. He was issued a large rifle and told to do three things if there was any trouble:

1)   Yell, "Stop."
2)   Yell, "Halt, or I’ll shoot."
3)   Shoot.

One day, my father was transporting a North Korean prisoner, when the prisoner broke free and began to escape. My father followed the rules:

1)   He yelled, "Stop," but the prisoner kept on running.
2)   He yelled, "Halt, or I’ll shoot," but the prisoner didn’t listen.
3)   My father lifted up the heavy gun, pulled the trigger, and the gun fell on the floor, shooting into the air. My father got scared and ran the other way.

Later, that day, my father was brought into the captain’s office. My father was told that he was going to be court martialed. The captain took one look at my father and realized that he was the worst possible choice for being a military policeman.

The captain spoke to my father:

"I made you an MP. Let’s see if I can do better the second time around. I’m going to send you to a military hospital in Hawaii to learn to be a physical therapist."

At that point my father would have agreed to anything. This is how he became a physcial therapist, a job he had for 50 years.

Is MyFonts.com Trying to Convert Me?

August 24, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 31 Comments

I was thinking of buying the Geneva font for some new project when I clicked on a button for some "sample text." And this is what I got:

"Verily the dark ex-Jew quit Zionism, preferring the cabala."

This is absolutely true.

Are the people at MyFonts.com reacting to my last post?

Is this a sign? Josia at her Kabbalah site thinks so!

Jewish People Are So Smart

August 9, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 61 Comments

One of my friends is a teacher at an expensive Los Angeles private school. He is also one of the few black faces at the school. This has never been a problem for him. He has never faced racism or anything like that at the school. This school is very liberal in orientation. In fact, its curriculum is based on teaching the students about diversity (even though there isn’t much of it in the student body). Still, my friend always has amusing stories about how even the most liberal of liberal parents sometimes can’t get over the color of his skin. If anything, he is treated nicer because of his color, just so parents can tell themselves that they have no problem with him being black.

During the Michael Jackson trial, some parents and teachers always made sure they were careful about what they said. Whenever my friend was in earshot, they were sure to say that "all the evidence isn’t there yet," just in case he would feel as if one of his "brothers" was being attacked — as if most African-Americans didn’t think Michael Jackson was a nut job also.

When the school decided to do a special assembly program on Martin Luther King, all eyes turned to my friend, waiting for his approval and opinion, as if he had some purer psychic connection to Dr. King than the several older white teachers who had actually marched during the 60’s. My friend tried to remind them that during the 60’s, he was mostly a kid watching "The Brady Bunch" on TV.

Although we laugh about this, I’m not saying this kid gloves approach is necessarily bad. Most of these parents and teachers are well-meaning in wanting to show respect for "the outsider." It certainly is better than old-time discrimination. But not all minority members want to be spokespeople for their "people."

I’ve heard of this sort of over-politeness occurring with other ethnic groups. One Chinese-American friend (born in Seattle) says that whenever she goes out to a Chinese restaurant with co-workers, everyone turns to her to make sure she approves of their orders. No one dares order something as "unauthentic" as Chow Mein, which might hurt her ethnic sensibilities.

Again, I’m not one of those people out to knock "political-correctness." It just never really happened to me… until last week.

Sophia was invited to dinner at a client’s house in Orange County, and I accompanied her. During the dinner conversation, attention turned to Sophia and the fact that she was from Russia. This happens all the time when we meet new people, and I know the dialogue by heart. After you’ve been married a while, you know exactly what the spouse is going to say in every social encounter.

When did you leave Russia? Blah blah blah. What was it like? Blah blah blah. What do you think of the current situation in Russia?

Sophia hates this last question. I always have to kick her under the table to remind her not to be rude. In so many ways, she is more American than I am. She’s been out of Russia for years, left as a teenager, and hates it when she is thought of as the one with a hand on Putin’s pulse. She doesn’t even like most Russians that much.

Then the conversations turned to Sophia and I being Jewish. Having mostly lived in New York and Los Angeles, most non-Jews I know can name every minor Jewish holiday by heart. I know for a fact that there are plenty of Jews in Orange County. I just think this couple had never met one.

"Jewish people are so smart."

"One of my co-workers is Jewish. And he’s the smartest one of the company."

Now I know that it is common knowledge that Jews are smart. There’s even been a recent controversial paper published by the Journal of Ashkenazi Intelligence stating that genetic selection in the old country created a Jewish people with an extremely high IQ. There’s no doubt that this tiny minority group produces a large number of doctors, lawyers, professors, and Nobel Prize winners. Jewish people are proud of this. But let’s be honest. There are a lot of really really stupid Jewish people. And Japanese people. And I’m sure there are even Indian kids that would never make it past the first round of a spelling bee.

So, here I was, sitting at this Orange County couple’s dinner table, being told how smart and wonderful my "people" were. I made some stupid comment about them having never met my family.

"Then I’d like to see if you have the same opinion," I said.

The Orange County wife laughed and said that Jews are always so funny, too — like "that Seinfeld guy."

From now on, if you ever see me talking with a Japanese woman and asking her if she owns a kimono, please bop me in the head.

UPDATE 10/05 — New York Magazine tries to sell some magazines with this Are Jews Smarter? topic.

Dark Side of the Manischewitz

July 20, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 14 Comments

What ever happened to asking Uncle Lenny to shoot some video at your bar mitzvah?

Boulevard Video is the most glitzy Los Angeles video production company I’ve ever seen — to do your son’s bar mitzvah! Will there soon be an Oscar category for best cinematography in a bar or bat mitzvah?

Check out their cool (but weird) bar mitzvah highlight music video with the Pink Floyd-like soundtrack. (via Joshua Newman)

Want to Join the Tribe?

June 23, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 29 Comments

(Hanukah Lamp, Manfred Anson, 1986)

Jews are comfortable in America, maybe too comfortable. With a large percentage of Jews intermarrying and a low Jewish birthrate, there’s been a drop from 4 percent to 2 percent of the general American population in the last fifty years.

Is there a way to stop this demographic decline?

New York Times columnist William Safire has the answer. In a speech in Jerusalem, he said American Jews should do to Catholics, Protestants, Mormons, and Muslims what they’ve been trying to do to us Jews for thousands of years — convert them.

It’s not a bad idea. I always thought Jews were too wimpy in promoting their own religion. So, as a service to my fellow Jews, let me do my small part by trying to convert you, my non-Jewish reader:

Being Jewish is cool. I’ve enjoyed it my entire life. I went to Hebrew School. I got bar mitzvahed. I had a great Jewish wedding ceremony, complete with klezmer band. I like temple… sometimes. I don’t even miss not celebrating Christmas. There’s no law that says I can’t sing "The Little Drummer Boy" with my non-Jewish friends or even with Jewish friends. The secret is out — Jews love those great Christmas songs. That’s why Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond made those awful Christmas albums. You Christians win hands down with Christmas over Hanukkah, but sorry, guys — Passover is better than Easter.

Jews love food, and there is always a lot of food at a Jewish event. Jewish woman are smart and funny. Jews like education. Jews don’t talk all the time about scary things like "original sin" and "Satan." Jews have made it through a lot of bad times. Temples aren’t usually as nifty-looking as cathedrals and churches, but rabbis are usually friendly guys and gals. While there are many conservative Jews, most Jews don’t spend every moment of the day worrying about abortion and the evils of stem cell research. One bad thing is that Jews argue a bit too much among themselves. I even remember two Jewish talent agents fighting over the same seat in a Beverly Hills synagogue — on Yom Kippur of all times.

"I’m with CAA!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

The Ten Commandments — ours. If you love reading, Judaism is for you. There’s the Torah, the Talmud, the Mishnah —

Think about it, my Christian friends, do you really believe that Jesus was the son of God? I mean, I respect your religion and all, but c’mon. Let’s be rational.

The only problem with this conversion attempt is that if I’m being rational, which I am, much of this Jewish stuff is as far-fetched as your religion. In fact, it’s as far-fetched as every other religion on this planet.

How am I going to convince you to be kosher if I’m not kosher? How can I sell being Jewish if I’m not sure what it means myself? Does William Safire really think that American Jews, a mostly secular bunch, are going to be effective spokespeople in converting others?

The most successful branch of Judaism in converting others is the Orthodox. After all, they are the most "religious" and confident in their beliefs. I sincerely doubt that Mr. Safire was addressing Orthodox Jews when he suggested Jews should proselytize. I think he was probably thinking of someone more like himself, a sophisticated, newly minted Jewish man or woman who could sit with him all morning in a cafe and talk about the latest Op-Ed page. The Orthodox man is probably too busy working and praying, while the Orthodox woman is too busy taking care of her six children.

I tried my best. Next Year in Jerusalem. If not, maybe we can at least share some bagels and lox while singing carols on Christmas.

Kabbalah 101, sort of

June 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 9 Comments

I don’t trust anything I can’t understand.Â Â Today, I did some searching for some information on Kabbalah because I’m still curious on why it’s so attractive to so many big-name celebrities here in Los Angeles.Â I found a website in Israel that supposedly helps explain Kabbalah.

In one post, the writer of the website gives advice to singer/producer/activistÂ Bob Geldof.Â Â In case you haven’t heard, Bob Geldof has arranged for huge concerts across the world next month as a repeat of 1985’s Live Aid concert.Â These concerts will highlight the ongoing problem of global poverty and debt.

What message from the Kabbalah does this website’s writer have for Bob Geldof and the celebrity participants ?

Whatever the results are, the final result must come from a feeling of justice and equality in each and every person.Â In a situation of equality and fair distribution someone can earn ten times more than someone else, but the distribution of such a salary will be received by the public as fair and equal, and no one will contest this. The feeling of justice and equality in the final situation is the solution for the human race, there is no situation better. The big answer, that will revigorate the nation and bring salvation to it and the world, will be an answer that comes from the feeling of holiness that will pervade, any other situation brings war, killing and destruction, and all the evil in the world. As long as humanity does not provide a solution for equal distribution it will go through many sufferings. And in the end it is the sufferings that will bring it to agree that it is better to reach equality and justice rather than die. When humanity agrees to equality and justice as the ultimate solution another question will arise, namely what is the best way to implement these values?

Ba’al HaSulam (the author of the commentary of the Zohar) directs his words over and over again to the same explanation, that even if a person determines out of his own good will to be in justice and equality, his desire to receive will not allow him to actually implement them. In order to establish a system of equality with just distribution a person must correct his will to receive. He must first correct his desire. Correcting the desire will allow man to live in justice and equality. The correction is only possible to attain by the light that restores man to his ideal state. The correction is only possible if the justice and equality come from an equality of form with the Creator. In these conditions man attains the world beyond, and justice, equality, security and success in this world.

Can someone translate this for me into regular English? Â Is the author saying we need equal distribution or not?Â

Is it possible that the following sentence helps explain why so many wealthy, over-paid celebrities respond to the message of the Kabbalah?

In a situation of equality and fair distribution someone can earn ten times more than someone else, but the distribution of such a salary will be received by the public as fair and equal, and no one will contest this.

I think many of our county’s CEOs would enjoy the Kabbalah, too.

Britney Spears at Kabbalah Center

May 24, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 5 Comments

The paparazzi were out in force as Britney Spears went to the Kabbalah Center on Robertson. I’m much more interested in whatever is in the bag. I didn’t know they have a bookstore. Do they have Judaica? Do they serve coffee and muffins in the bookstore (kosher, of course) or just Kabbalah water?

Have any of my LA readers ever been to the Kabbalah Center?