My life was forever changed when I met you. The color of my world changed from black to white, and all was good, until the intensity of the bright white glare became like an inquisitor’s lamp at Guantanamo Bay and I felt naked and trapped and filled with anger, and the white became as empty as the black, and I yearned again for the muted colors of gentleness, like the red and blue and greens that I once dreamed about in my childhood bed.
Month: June 2009 (Page 2 of 2)
It’s one thing to have a woman run for President, or become a CEO, but enough is enough. It’s not fair. You keep on infringing on our territory, without giving us anywhere to go. You can wear a dress. You can wear pants. We can wear pants. Can we wear a dress?  Of course not!  We would be mocked by you!  You don’t even like us to cry.
It used to be that our penis made us unique. But like Delilah, you feminists will do anything to further your cause in destroying the men you hate so much, slowly pushing us towards the end of the cliff.  First you start using all these exotic vibrators, making us irrelevant in the bedroom. Seriously, how can we compete with an electrical object made in Japan? They are like a Sony TV or a Honda Civic — they never break!
And seriously, how many men do you know with a nine inch erect penis?   We see the disappointment on your face when we undress. We do.
Next, you infiltrated one of our special male clubs — the “peeing” standing up club.  What evil feminist invented the P-Mate, Female Freedom? God should strike you down.
I’m sure some of you have sons. Do you remember that look on your son’s face the first time he held his dick in his hand and pissed on your flowers in the backyard. Pure glee. Power! The greatest day of his life. I remember that day better than my bar mitzvah and wedding. That’s when I really became a man.  Peeing standing up is for MEN! Some things should not change. I believe in equal rights. I believe gay men should be married. But c’mon, women, we STAND when we pee. You don’t.
Yesterday, events took a turn for the worse. I was beginning to accept these new gender roles. I am a liberal thinker, and secure in my manliness. I can live in a world with a woman president who uses a vibrator at night and pees standing up.  But this —
The Smart Memory Bra by Lisca lingerie senses a woman’s arousal through her body’s heat, then squeezes her boobs together accordingly. The integrated memory foam bra reshapes under the influence of heat to enhance cleavage, so when she becomes excited, her larger breasts will indicate to others that she is horny.
What is this? It is a publicly visible female hard-on! Is this really necessary?  We enjoy your mystery.  We don’t want to see your breasts tell us that you are horny.  Stop it women. This is the one male thing left to us that you should not steal — our overtly visual sign of arousal.
Marci of LvGurl, Shana of Gorillabuns, Kim of 180/360, Andrea of Alphababy, and Elisabeth of Little Miss Mel.
Top photo taken by Sophia! Bottom photos by Kim.  More photos taken by the talented Kim on her flickr account.
Last December, I participated in a virtual baby shower for Shana of Gorillabuns. In my post for her, I wrote the following —
Like with most bloggers, I don’t remember how I met Gorillabuns. Probably through Ms. Sizzle. Blogging creates weird blogfellows. What I like most about Shana is that she is funny. There is nothing sexier to a man than a funny woman. Some of the best moments with Gorillabuns did not occur on our blogs, but in emails — we’ve had some amusing discussions about subjects such as marriage, her obsession with rock bands, and especially — juicy blogger gossip.
Why do we connect to one person and not another? Is it random? Timing? Or does each individual have a unique spark that you either see or you don’t?
If I were to follow the advice of pro bloggers, I would not have befriended Gorillabuns. She is not in my “niche.â€Â I’m not sure I even want my manly Citizen of the Month “brand†to be associated with a bunch of girls involved in a surprise blogger baby shower.
But, you know what — if I was practical about using blogging for career advancement, I would have missed out on the friendship and humor of Gorillabuns, who is one of the coolest people I have met online.
Sadly, Gorillabuns lost her baby, Thalon Bruce Myers, in April.
This week, a few of Gorillabuns online friends brought Shana to Las Vegas for some days of drinking and debauchery. I thought this was a smart idea, and not inappropriate at all.   It must get tiring to have everyone tip-toe around the sad event, or, in reverse, everyone forgetting to treat Shana like a regular person.  Shana’s trip would give her an opportunity to open up a little to her special friends, while still doing what women do while visiting Las Vegas — playing blackjack, drinking lemon drops, and attracting drunk men in the casino.
Sophia and I arrived at Kim’s home on Saturday night, the night after meeting Black Hockey Jesus. I was so excited to meet Kim, one of my long-time blogging friends. I gave her a big hug, as I did Shana. I could still see the sadness in Shana’s eyes, but her humor and intelligence were still intact. She is even funnier than on her blog.  She immediately hit it off with Sophia.
After a drink, the first of many, we went to Morels French Steakhouse in the Palazzo. I sat at the head of the table, surrounded by six sexy, well-dressed women. I must have looked like a rock star, or someone very very very rich. Even the waiter nodded at me and said I was very lucky to be alive. He then handed me the wine list, figuring it was my manly duty to order the correct wine. Talk about poor gender profiling.  I immediately handed the wine list to Kim, because my choice would have just been “the cheapest thing you have on the menu because I drink the two dollar wine from Trader Joe’s and it is fine with me.”
Later, we drove to downtown Las Vegas and ended up at some casino bar, listening to a band playing Led Zeppelin tunes. Gorillabuns and Sophia gambled their money away at a blackjack table, and I was forced to drink way too much by Kim. The rest of the night was a blur. The next day, I woke up at 3PM.
I can now quit blogging because on Saturday night, I pretty much achieved — and SAW — everything I wanted to in my blogging career.
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