My problem started when I was eleven years old. Our Hebrew school had a decent basketball team and we made it to the New York State Hebrew School championship in Albany. As a fundraising stunt, we were supposed to sell boxes of Peanut Brittle to our neighbors in order to pay for transportation.  I hated selling things to other people. I felt like I was imposing on them. Chances are, most of neighbors would have bought a box from me, just because they know my parents, and my mother usually bought Girl Scout cookies from their kids. I just felt guilty asking people to buy things they really didn’t need or want.Â
Even then, I was a realist.
“Who in the world REALLY wants a box of peanut brittle?!” IÂ asked myself. “That stuff is nasty and can crack your tooth!”
I sold two boxes. One to my mother and one to my grandmother.
Fast forward to today. I’m pretty much the same. There is no way you could get me to walk around my apartment building and ask neighbors to shell over their hard-earned money for some peanut brittle.Â
Rule #1 in therapy. A person will never overcome his fear until he fights it.
This is where YOU come in.
I would like you to buy some boxes of peanut brittle.Â
There is no cost per box because you will never actually get any of this peanut brittle. It is all theoretical, the aim being that I overcome my fear by asking you to buy it from me.Â
Please buy as many boxes as you want. Buy some for yourself. Buy for you co-workers.  They also make excellent birthday and wedding gifts for family members.
I am pretty confident that most of you will buy a few boxes of peanut brittle from me. You seem to be a caring bunch and you realize that this will be a tremendous boost to my self-esteem. After all, I am in this limbo-land with Sophia and living here with my mother. I’m not feeling very manly and I really need a BIG BOOST!
Recently, Firefox promoted it’s new Firefox 3 browser by announcing a “Download Day.” They attempted to create a Guinness Book of World Record for the “most downloaded software” in one day. I’m not sure they achieved their ultimate goal, but they had 8 million downloads in 24 hours.
Imagine how cool it would be to brag to the women at BlogHer that I am a Guinness Book of World Record Holder! Talk about a line that will definitely get me laid!
So here’s the deal. I’m going to show you how much my cojones have grown since I have come to New York. I don’t want you to simply buy a few imaginary boxes of peanut brittle from me. I want you to buy SO MANY BOXES OF IMAGINARY PEANUT BRITTLE that I will become the undeniable GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORD HOLDER of selling imaginary peanut brittle in a single 24-hour day!
How many boxes of peanut brittle would you like?
No credit cards accepted for purchases under ten boxes.
Sign me up for a few cases. But I’m afraid that telling someone you’re the world record peanut brittle champion is not the way to show your cojones. In fact, the confidence you will get from being the peanut brittle champion and not bragging about it will reflect much better on you. (Don’t let it get to your head.)
neil…son (trying to sound wise…i am in no way old enough to be your mother…in fact i have no idea how old you are!)…i would buy peanut brittle from you if you were selling real boxes. i kinda like peanut brittle. i mean it isn’t my candy of choice by any means, but my mom loves the stuff so i would buy at least two boxes. one for me and one for her. and then if i thought it through i might be a couple more to bring as gifts when i visit people. it might ruin my reputation…bringing peanut brittle instead of a bottle of wine, but hey…i’ve been out of the country for awhile…i think they would excuse the behavior. so sign me up for 4 boxes. and then if we are getting all imaginary…i’ll take 4 more. i can’t imagine getting rid of 8 boxes of peanut brittle no matter how imaginary they are!
The stuff looks like spew, but if you came to my front door, I swear I’d buy a few boxes from you right now.
I happen to love brittle (although the peanut, not so much. More of an almond fan.) and I’ll be happy to buy a dozen boxes from you. I wish the candy was real. I’m wicked hungry right about now, having only had a virtuous salad for dinner. Mmmmm candy!
i’m actually kinda sad there is no real peanut brittle, because i LOVE peanut brittle.
I love it too, so I would buy some on general principle, and also because you sound so cute when you’re begging.
What is your return policy?
If I can virtually return it if I don’t virtually like it I will take 36 virtual boxes. If there are no virtual returns then I will take one virtual box.
You plonker, dont you see it already? If you were selling real peanut brittle, some of us would be happy to buy it. I’ve never had peanut brittle – growing up in New Zealand and all that, so yeah – I would be curious and pay the shipping cost.
But … I found moving to Europe helped me. In NZ, your actions were noted, here no one takes notes or judges … or rarely. Europe is very cool actually. Maybe you need to go traveling with your super cool mum. I have this idea that traveling cures almost all. Go on – come to Europe. Maybe you can do the blogger visit thing and stay with all of us out here 🙂 obviously bringing peanut brittle, now that you’ve mentioned it.
I got my stimulus check yesterday, so put me down for a case or twelve.
I am left to wonder how many boxes are in a case… and how many cases are on a skid???
I can take 3 skids worth… maybe 4 depending on the size of the box/case.
I don’t even like peanut brittle, but I would totally buy two boxes from you.
Oh damn. I don’t have any cash on me.
You take plastic over 10 boxes? Give me 11.
I appreciate everyone buying some boxes, but we’re really going to have to dig a little deeper into those pockets if we will reach the Guinness Book of World Record.
Four boxes, please. At four dollars per imaginary box, I figure I owe you sixteen imaginary dollars, which computes to about two beers. You’re welcome.
I’ll buy some for my ex for his birthday. That shit is just nasty!
Double what you sell Dawg, that’s what I’ll take. Just how many IS that?
I will take two million boxes, Neil. BTW, what is the Guinness Record for selling peanut brittle, anyway?
As long as there isn’t real money exchanging hands here, I’ll purchase five virtual cases. I simply don’t know where I’ll put it all.
I’m allergic to peanuts but will buy 3 cases and send them to my peanut-farming-family in Texas. They’ll complain it aint the real deal, not sweet enough or crispy enough. We’ll all be in the same bucket. Wanting more and less.
Oh, I love peanut brittle! But I am watching my weight, so only 2 boxes for me.
mmmmmmmmmm…peanut brittle. Can you drive a truckload over??
Put me down a a few hundred grand. I can always sell surplus on e-bay!
I am not sure that asking your imaginary friends to buy imaginary peanut brittle qualifies as growing cojones, but I’m a good figment, so I’ll play along. I’ll take 14,000, please send mine directly to the nearest food bank. I hate peanut brittle.
I have issues with this part of the post: Our Hebrew school had a decent basketball team…
Whatever fictional stuff follows that line can’t be processed by my brain because my suspension of disbelief won’t kick in. Sorry.
It looks like petrified baked beans…I’ll buy five boxes from you, but will probably stick them in the bin after you leave.
Sorry Neil, I only buy chocolate. Do you have some with chocolate in it?
No one would ever buy that crap from me either. I did have great success selling beef sticks, which were like huge Slim Jims. I sold more than anybody else. I had incentive because my Gifted And Talented Education program was going to Canada and I couldn’t afford it otherwise. My brother and our German exchange student sold cases of the things for me. But in the end, even though I sold about eight billion beef sticks I still hadn’t made enough to go. So the teacher divided the money I’d made among the kids that DID have enough money to go, and they all got a discount on me while I sat in class for a week with a substitute teacher and two other poor kids.
Nah, I’m not bitter. Who wants to go to Canada anyway.
The worst is when the kid’s parents start selling the kid’s candy in the office, and you feel obligated to buy, especially when it is the boss doing the selling. Now I know SOME of you have sold your kid’s candy at work for them! Admit it.
Yeah gimme 2 boxes of your fake peanut brittle. Do you need a real Black Hockey Jesus T-Shirt? Coffee mug? O so I just buy your shit while you blow me off? Fuck you Neil.
Caitlinator — Because of your large order, I will throw in a free box of peanut brittle for you to enjoy.
I’m still checking with the guinness people to learn what is the current record.
Geeze, what is the matter with you people? It’s imaginary and it’s not going to cost you any and he wants the record! Neil, put me down for ELEVENTY BILLION BOXES.
Black Hockey Jesus — You’ve only been blogging for three months, and you already have a t-shirt? Now, that is cojones.
Nance — Thanks. But I understand some of the others, particularly the women. They’re always watching their weight. I should see if I can find some peanut brittle made with Splenda.
Definition of BRITTLE:
1. Likely to break, snap, or crack, as when subjected to pressure
2. Easily damaged or disrupted; fragile: a brittle friendship.
3. Difficult to deal with; snappish: a brittle disposition.
4. Lacking warmth of feeling; cold: a reputation for being brittle and aloof.
HMMMMM, do you think there’s any coincidence here?
I’m in for 10 boxes
i only buy stuff from the kids i know in the neighborhood, actually doesn’t even matter what they are selling. i’m surprised you’re selling peanut brittle, don’t you have that allergy problem in the states?
i’ll take double nance’s order, i’ve got three kids, none have that pesky allergy, it should last the summer.
2 warehouses full please.
It was only brittle? That’s awfully limiting. Even the kids selling from the wrapping paper company offer candy…
And the thing with parents selling the crap for their kids is this; kids are not allowed to go door-to-door anymore. They are specifically told this when given the order forms. (I think it even says it ON the order form) So, how else are they to sell the crap?
I want nine boxes. And you’re going to have to take my credit card because I never have cash on me.
Peanut Brittle sounds like a good prize to offer my bloggers. I don’t think they will care that it is imaginary. I will say it is imaginary SEE’s Peanut Brittle, since that is the best kind. I like to support fellow members of the tribe, so how ever much you’ve got to sell is how much I will buy. I want a discount, though.
I just want one piece. Do you sell the pieces individually? And it will have to be a small piece, because I just had dental work done. I’d show you, but the webcam only works when aimed at my bosoms.
If it’s Kosher, count me in for a couple of boxes, Neil. C.O.D. okay with you?
Note: *imaginary dental work, *imaginary webcam, *real bosoms
I’ll take the production capacity of your brittle manufacturing plant for two years..ah what the hell…three years. But I want MY PICTURE on the boxes.
Who said I’d never be famous!!
(side note: This is one of your most pathetic posts to date….but thats ok… I’ll humor you)
You are the worst. salesman. ever.
Hmmm… I would never purchase peanut brittle in real life, but I’ll buy a box from you.
And put down a dozen dozen for my imaginary boyfriend.
Wendy, I know it is a bad post. But after yesterday, I promised Sophia I wouldn’t mention her today. So what else do I have to write about other than peanut brittle?
Bryna — That makes no sense. If the kids can’t go around selling it, why not just give the candy to the parents directly to sell it?
Scarlet Hip — Do they do this candy selling in your school?
three billion boxes please. I wish you would expand to macadamia or pecan, too. Meantime, well done my brave friend. Now prove the deliciousness of the brittle by fighting off these four football players from the polish high school. For in every fear, lies a morsel of truth. Chewy, tooth-shattering truth.
I’ll take four boxes. You seem like a sweet kid, and it’s for a good cause. I’ve always been a sucker for a good cause.
Dan — change those four football players from the Polish High School to the four angry black guys from the projects who didn’t like “whiteys” and we’re getting closer to the story.
Nance has the right idea. I’ll have twelveteen gazillion boxes please, to the power of forty googolplexes. And then a couple of cases for when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I should be punished for my dream crimes.
Thanks.
What’s peanut brittle?
Bete De Jour — http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peanut_brittle
Avoid it if you want to keep your teeth. Of course, my peanut brittle is low-glycemic and will enhance your smile.
The holidays are coming… give me ten cases.
I’ll take eleventeen billion and six cases. And then you can double that when the holidays roll around.
Neil, judging from guinnessworldrecords.com, there are NO records involving peanut brittle. So you broke the record with your first box. Congrats!
You don’t need a f*cking boost by making a whiny attempt to get me to by some sugar-laden peanutty goodness.
You just need to work your way out of this through the writing you went out there to complete. You’re not wimpy or unmanly because of your limboland with Sophia. No, you’re whimpy because that manuscript you dragged out there is beating your ass and you’re too timid to do anything about it.
So there.
Now GIT!
Hey, Neil, since it is all make believe,
why not give me a zillion cases, there, that should put you over the top :-).
We did it!
I’m going out tonight, getting wasted at some sleazy bar, and getting laid!
Oops… wait… isn’t Do You Think You Can Dance on tonight?
i would like to build a peanut brittle house. kind of like the hansel and gretel house only different. eventually, i would like to become just like the wicked woman in the woods. i have no interest in feeding or eating small children however, so “just like” may be stretching it a bit. i just want to be a wicked woman living in the woods in a candy house.
all of this to say, if you can estimate the amount of peanut brittle required for … oh, let’s say a 1200 square foot cottage, i’ll buy them from you.
Ingrid — that sounds very innovative, although city ordinances usually dictate that you use gingerbread for the housing. But as long as you sign the documents releasing me from any liability for acts of God, kids eating your home, or wolves blowing down the home, I will send you the necessary peanut brittle.
damn it. now i want peanut brittle.
Whew! I was afraid I’d have to commit to a couple of boxes. Isn’t peanut brittle the fruit cake of the candy store world?
Our Hebrew school had a decent basketball team and we made it to the New York State Hebrew School championship in Albany. As a fundraising stunt, we were supposed to sell boxes of Peanut Brittle
You don’t know how lucky you are, boy. Last time I bought peanut brittle to support a Hebrew School basketball team, it failed to make it to the “sweet sixteen” round of the Idaho State Hebrew School Championship in Boise.
Neil. Dude. Being the World Record Holder in virtual boxes of peanut brittle sold, while creative…isn’t gonna get the chicks. Makes a funny story, though
Oh, and the thing in the picture was a cucumber…but in my defense, the other vegetables I bought at the same time were fine. The cucumber was a Mutant, or something.
T.
Oh, and I will take 16 boxes…
T.
Not sure what I’m more impressed with… but I am pretty sure it’s the fact that we were on the basketball team.
And yes, I’ll buy at least 2 boxes. Might come back for more if it’s a hit.
WHEW! Glad you set that record without my help Neil because my kids are selling the same damned virtual brittle for their Calculus Club virtual field trip and I’ve already committed to buying $200million worth from them.
I’m not a fan of peanut brittle, but for you I’ll take 11…this way I get to use my credit card. 🙂
Well, I’m glad you’ve achieved your goal, because otherwise you’d have put me in a quandary here…
You see, my daughter has a peanut allergy, so we’re a peanut-free household.
However, I was going to buy a couple of boxes for my husband to take to work as a gesture of gratitude for all the crap they’ve bought for my son’s fundraisers.
But, I don’t have any cash, just a credit card. And since I only want two, and your policy requires eleven…well, we might have been facing a stand-off.
i have that same fear, i loathe selling stuff, even if i believe in the product 1000%.
not only am i going to buy a million boxes, but i’m going to ship them to our troops in iraq to use as extra weaponry.
Im eating peanuts right now. And Im sad they dont include brittle. How much is your imaginary overseas shipping charge? I’ll buy 3!
couldn’t you sell, um, girl scout cookies or something??! i’d buy 50 boxes. 🙂
Damn…I’m too late aren’t I? I can’t eat Peanut Brittle..it will fuck up my teeth..but because you are so hawt I’ll by 5 boxes. (wrap them and use them as Christmas gifts..can’t start shopping to early)
Actually, I was hoping you could take a few boxes I already have. Don’t much care for peanut brittle – real or virtual.
OK, Doug… I’m putting you down to buy 23 boxes. thanks!
Damn, can’t believe I missed the ‘day’ – now it’s peanut brittle after the fact – but I would have taken a coupla hundred at least because with the Dollar to Pound exchange rate it would work out totally in my favour!