The internet is one big vat of useless advice given by experts who know sh*t.  You would think a guy could learn something useful from being online. After all, I don’t just want to spend all my time online reading the sob stories that you call “your blogs.”
Today, I was thinking of something much more important — ways to improve my sex life. I figured I would do the logical thing: search Google with the phrase “How to Improve Your Sex Life.” I immediately came across this article titled “How to Improve Your Sex Life with Sexy Emails.” Hmm… sexy emails.  I can do that. I already write a blog. Maybe I can actually use my writing skills and my English degree for some practical purpose.
So I spent some time lookng over “the six steps to spicing up my sex life by writing sexy emails,” as outlined by the eHow Relationships Editor.
None of it made much sense.
Step 1 –
Identify how you want to improve your sex life with sexy emails.
This is a really dumb step.  Isn’t it obvious? I hope to improve my sex life with sexy emails by actually have sex with someone. Duh.
Step 2 –
Meet people in your area by posting personal ads or responding to posts in adult forums. Start corresponding with people in whom you are interested, moving straight into sexual chat or taking things slowly at first and elevating them as the situation warrants.
Hmm… go straight into the sexual chat OR take things slowly? Let’s see. You say I should go on an ADULT FORUM, and then you want me to take things slowly?  How slowly should I go? I’m on an ADULT FORUM! I realize I may look desperate by jumping right in with the dirty talk, but should I really be disguising the fact that I am on an ADULT FORUM lookng to chat about sex?
“You mean this isn’t the “Celebrity Circus” Forum? Whoops! What is this forum about anyway? Women who love men with c*ck rings? How intriguing?!  I never would have guessed. This is so unlike me to be on this forum.  Are you wearing a bra?”
Step 3 –
Allow the situation time to evolve naturally. Once you’ve maintained an ongoing correspondence with a partner you like, you can suggest a real-life rendezvous over dinner or drinks. From there, there’s no telling where things might lead.
From there, there’s no telling where things might lead? What are you saying…that she may end up stabbing me in the subway station and leaving me for dead? I don’t want surprises.  I WANT to BE TOLD where this might lead! I want this to end in SEX. Period.
Step 4 –
Improve your sex life with an existing partner by using sexy email to explore your desires. Surprise your partner with a sexy note, taking it easy at first until you test the waters out, and pay attention to how your partner replies to your move. If she’s game, she’ll respond in kind.
This step was an utter failure. I tried it tonight.
Yahoo IM: “Sophia, are you wearing a bra?”
Yahoo IM: “Neilochka, no, I’m not. Hey, do you want to play a game of online backgammon?”
Step 5 –
Use sexy emails to describe scenes you’d like to play out with your partner or to drop hints about sexual tricks you want to try out.
Scenes?  Tricks? What are you talking about? I don’t want to put on a Broadway play or a magic show! I want to have sex.  Sheesh.
Step 6 –
Post ads seeking people to join you and your partner if you’re looking to add some group fun to your sex life. Then, you and your partner can act as a team to seduce a third (or fourth or fifth) party to take part in your bedroom fun.
Huh? Five people in one bed? Is that supposed to be fun? What size bed do most people have? I thought five people in one bed was the reason most people escape from third world poverty-stricken regimes?
The internet sucks.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â The Pigeon on the Patio
Just post the following ad on craigslist’s personals section:
“Neurotic but lovable Jew temporarily living in mother’s house in Queens seeking overpowering woman to tell him exactly what to do to her. You could do worse.”
Damn, now you’re just stuck with our sob stories again. For the record, I call it my “website.” “Blog” sounds like an uncomfortable intestinal problem.
Your penis wrote this post, right?
Ummm. And that last one? Bed? Well of course you are not fitting five people on a bed. Unless they have been doing loads of yoga. And studying the Kama Sutra. What do you think those sectional sofas were for back in the 70s? You’ve got to start thinking outside of the box (springs).
Thank you for reminding me that I need to start mixing in my stories of hot sex with the sob stories. Everyone likes a little variety.
“After all, I don’t just want to spend all my time online reading the sob stories that you call “your blogs.—
Haha! That actually made me laugh out loud. The cats think I’m crazy. I AM! I’m laughing at a computer and talking about my cats!
Anyway, I’m waiting for the comment party to start. *chin in hands*
this bed might help.
um… and i’m not sure “are you wearing a bra” qualifies as sex chat. how about “are you wearing latex” or “how’s the harness”
ooooooooooo, ingrid, you naughty girl!!!
neil, women like tall confident men, suck it up and start using those big balls you claim you grew. and maybe invest in a harness too, it can’t hurt, or maybe it can. check with ingrid.
wow.
I don’t even know what you are talking about when you mention a “harness?” Like from a horse?
well now the comment party has started. and i am with neil…what’s a harness? no, nevermind. i don’t want to know. i think i’ll sit back with mary and laugh at my computer and talk about my cats. much safer!
And Ingrid – Wouldn’t that bed start jumping around and moving? If you were a restless sleeper, you might find yourself sleeping on the bed… in the kitchen by morning.
And I’ve already posted about the ultimate bed — http://www.citizenofthemonth.com/2006/04/18/ask-the-amateur-sexologist/
*ingrid blushes deeply and looks away. yet, perversely, feels the need to clarify. but doesn’t thinking that it may dig her in deeper, so to speak.*
“let your imagination go wild,” she concludes. 😉
Well… I read Rattling The Kettle’s commment and decided that I’m in over my head here — commentwise.
Find yourself a submissive. Then you can practice your assertiveness skills AND get laid too. I bet your therapist wouldn’t tell you that.
Magic show? Oh, I don’t know… with the right cape and the ability to pull certain things out of a hat… could be sex-gold!
Ha! I get paid to write how to articles for that website. I didn’t write that one, but I can tell you that mine aren’t much better.
(don’t trust eHow)
You know, those things might work for a woman -in a trailer park, with Tourette’s Syndrome, a pet leech, and incontinence issues- but a man attempting this would lose the prospect of meeting any sane woman at step 2.
Ingrid — OK, I looked it up. I still don’t exactly know why I would need to spend all that money on a harness. Couldn’t I just create a homemade one using a bathrobe belt and some string I got at the 99 cent store? I think the money would be better spent for the cannolis we eat after using the harness.
But thanks. And now I know you REALLY live in Europe. Pervert.
Memarie — You know, I’ve never dated a woman with Tourette’s Syndrome!
Uh, this is the step where you and Ingrid take it private, Neil.
DaveX — You should go to Ingrid’s site and check out her artwork. And she’s really cute. And now we know she’s kinky. Alas, she’s taken.
Very funny. I love the bit with Sophia and playing online Backgammon.
I smell an attempt to usurp throne from current about.com guide. They only get 800 bux a month, are things that bad?
Neil, What harness are you looking at?? LOL
Maybe str8 harnesses and glbt harnesses are different… but a “homemade one using a bathrobe belt and some string I got at the 99 cent store” would NOT work in my universe…. LOL
Ahhh, educating the masses… gotta love it!
Everyone seems to know about these harnesses other than me.
Neil- me neither, could be fun. I wonder if blue haired girl has Tourette’s?
I dropped by to say upon second look at that phone, you’re going to have to cut your nails and upgrade that ancient Nokia to an iphone – or you’re never gonna get laid. Harness or no.
Mary — the sad thing is that I DID have that exact phone up until a year ago. But still no iPhone or anything cool. Kids on the bus in Queens have Blackberrys.
See, this is where gay men have it made… No flirting, no plotting or planning, we just cut right to the “your place, my place or the park” part.
Just kidding… well, only kind of…
Robb — Yeah, I’ve always been jealous of gay guys. It’s probably so much more relaxed not having to deal with women.
A little baby powder before putting the harness on is a good idea. Unless you like chafing.
i’m a prude and i know what a harness is, so i’m not sure what that is going to make you. in need of a sexual education perhaps?
Better Safe — I don’t ever remember them talking about the harness in sex ed classes. Maybe you went to a more progressive school.
“Huh? Five people in one bed? Is that supposed to be fun?”
Can I remind you that you dreamed up
Six at once?
I think maybe you think it might be fun…
PocketCT — Uh, totally forgot about that. I was so immature back then!
“I thought five people in one bed was the reason most people escape from third world poverty-stricken regimes?”
Love it!