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As you may know, now is the season when all the “Best Blog” Awards are handed out. There are several of these competitions currently running. It is of the utmost importance that you vote for me for “The Best Blog of 2008” in every single one of them. I thank you. I really do consider you all as my personal friends. It would mean so much to me if I were considered “the best of the best.” If I was able to win one of these contests, I would finally be able to hang out with the really big-time bloggers, and not the bunch of losers that I usually… uh, let me rephrase that. I love you. Some of you have fine blogs. Of course, none of them are the caliber of the really cool bloggers such as… I mean, most of you are happy enough just blabbing on and on and on about your boring… cute children. But that’s water under the bridge. You’re nice people. Well, except for a few of the assholes I met last year in Portland. That said, I know you care. Or at least you’re very insecure. No, I think of every one of my blogging friends as an equal. Except for the two bloggers who actually know Dooce personally. They’re special. Well, one of them is. The other one took me off her blogroll. But that’s OK. She’s probably been busy. She’s pretty important in some circles. Although, I do see she comments a lot on the blogs of her friends. Oooh, her friends. You know, maybe she’s been commenting on my blog all this time, but it’s being caught as spam, and I never notice that she’s been commenting. Yeah, maybe. Well, whatever. She’s probably busy. Things will be different soon. Soon, I’ll be “The Best Blog of 2008.” Then, she’ll be reading me again. Yes sir. Good-bye losers. Hello, Dooce. Or whoever Dooce is this year. Is Pioneer Woman this year’s Dooce? Hey — maybe I can be this year’s Dooce? Eh, I doubt it. But what am I complaining about? I have all the really hot babes coming to this blog. That’s something impressive, right? I mean, even if the three female bloggers I actually slept with this year have been as exciting as gefilte fish in the sack. Well, one of them was doped up on 100mg of Prozac, so I can understand her problem. No woman can have a decent orgasm when she’s on that stuff, no matter what position I use with her. But that was my fault for getting involved with her. I totally misunderstood her when she said she was bipolar. I thought she was talking about some kinky sex thing. Live and learn.
Well, like I said — I love you all! And thank you.
(OK, OK, just in case you’re new: Truth factor 0%. Come on, seriously! Do you really think I would let the female blogger go without an orgasm? Even one on Prozac?)
(OK, OK, it is 2AM, Sophia is sleeping. I can write whatever I want, dammit!)
I’m waiting for flowers, a fruit basket, a special limited edition of the The Best of Neil, and assorted swag to show up at my door before making my decision and casting my vote.
Do you need my address?
I just love it when you write in run-on sentences.
I’ll vote for you!
Dammit. It’s too early in the morn to do the closing end tags to HTML apparently.
Do we get stickers? I always get stickers when I vote for the politicos.
The very least you could do is pass out pencils or rulers with your name on them. Or maybe coffee mugs. Get your name out there.
How do you think Al Gore won the Nobel Prize? The Oscar? He distributed coffee mugs, pencils, and rulers.
Neil, you’re so naive.
Wait. You’re giving out Prozac for anyone that votes for you to be Dooce?
okay, ya got me… now where do i vote?? and also, where’s my orgasm? we canucks make better lovers, i tell ya. we like to stay in bed where it’s warm. 😉
i hope i’m one of the assholes you met in portland. 😉
You can be this year’s Douche. ;-P
I say that in the spirit of a cute and boring child.
HAHA!! I love it Neil! You summed up blog kissassery perfectly.
Does being up at 2am take away your paragraph breaks?
Yeah, where’s the swag?
You’re such a fool-hardy fool. I’m flattered that you think my blog is fine!
Yeah, I’m with everyone else. What’s in it for me?
Only you could put prozac, orgasms and blog awards all in one post. That alone deserves an award.
Well, if it’s any consolation, I think you’re pretty great.
Actually, when I worked in a booking station, I asked a guy if he had any medical problems and he said he had two poles. Took me a few seconds.
right there. yes. oh yes. now talk more about prozac and positions….
oh BAby.
nice “paragraph”, certainly money well spent on that english degree, your mother must be so proud.
I just realized that this entire time you have been sleeping with me I mean dutifully reading my blog, I have not been linking to you. What an ungrateful slut I am. I will go fix that right now.
ha ha, I beat you to it and already voted for you… when I was voting for myself!
Neil, I was on 60 mg Prozac. I’m waiting for your call 😛
Neil, could you please put a link for those of us who have no clue as to where to vote? I may be the only one.
Oh, and can you subsitiute prozac for something more hallucinogenic?
‘Do you really think I would let the female blogger go without an orgasm? Even one on Prozac?’
I guess that just got you a whole pile of votes … 😉
Never mind about the link, found it.
have you noticed how many hot chicks read your blog? this in itself deserves an award.
This made me laugh. 🙂