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“Daddy, Daddy!” he cried, and I ran up the stairs, leaping over the Thomas LEGO Train  that I swore I put in the toy box just an hour ago.  “I’m coming,” I yelled. Who knew that becoming a father would be like this — a life of big joys and even bigger anxieties? When I entered his room, David was on the floor, still wrapped in his Transformers-themed blanket, his finger extended, showing me the “boo-boo.”
Sophia entered the room, interrupted the flow of my story.    Â
Sophia: “What are you writing? (looking over my shoulder at the monitor) Who is that kid with us?”
Neil: “I’m not sure. While I was cleaning my desk, I found this disk of photos from 2001. Do you know who he is?”
Sophia:Â “Hmmm… no. ”
Neil:Â “Is it possible that we had a child and we forgot?”
Sophia: “You mean like we brought him shopping and left him there… and then forgot?”
Neil:Â “You do have a habit of losing your keys.”
Sophia: “If anyone would lose our child, it would be you.  Where’s my red bra you “said” you brought back from the laundromat?”
Neil:Â I did bring it back.
Sophia: OK, fine.  What’s the difference? He’s not our kid.  He doesn’t even look like either of us.” Â
Neil:Â “I think I still have that sweater, though.”
Sophia:Â “No, that’s the one you shrunk in the wash and we use as a rag.”
Neil:Â “In case anyone asks, let’s call him David.”
Sophia:Â “Asks about what?”
Neil:Â “About our fake son.”
Sophia:Â “And why are you writing your post like you are a father?”
Neil: “I read on Twitter that one of those parenting blogs is looking for a writer. I think they pay.  But you need to write about subjects such as “Daddy Depression.”
Sophia: “Oh yeah?  Write away, Dad.”
Neil:Â “I wonder why there aren’t any “Separated Husband” Blogs that pay bloggers?”
Sophia:Â “You can start one.”
Neil: “Eh, who would read it? Every day it would be the same article – “New Ways to Play With Yourself — Part #78. I probably should just stick to Hollywood. Online, I have no marketable niche. I know very little about style or food or babies or gadgets. I know nothing. Well, I guess there ARE sex blogs out there…”
Sophia:Â “Yeah, but you don’t know much about that either.”
Neil:Â “Ha Ha.”
We laughed — we laughed for a very long time. (Women, write this down. It doesn’t matter the size of your boobs or what type of nail polish you wear. If you can make a man laugh, you’ve won him.) Â
Sophia:Â “And what is this NaBloPoMo you’re doing?”
Neil: “We’re all supposed to write a post every day in November.”
Sophia:Â “Why?”
Neil: “Why? Why? Why so many questions?”
Sophia:Â “Just curious.”
Neil: “I don’t know why I’m doing it? Some big-shot blogger somewhere wants us to do it, and we all follow like sheep. That’s why!”
Sophia: “But what can you write about EVERY DAY? Do you have that much to say?”Â
Neil: “I can write about my life.  My adventures.  My wild sex life. My female readers are always curious about what I’m like in bed.”
Sophia:Â “I think these photos from 2001 might give your readers some idea…”
Seriously, funny women are hot.
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:Â Â Male Nurse
ROFL! Neil, you should charge admission to make us see pictures like this!
no one looks good drooling.
just saying
You’re right. Funny women ARE hot. But you sleeping? Not so much.
Love your specs in that top photo, Neil.
For some odd reason, that last photo of you with your head wrapped in the blanket reminds me of the late, great Marty Feldman in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN!
Yeah… yeah… like I’m sure you sleep looking like Susan Lucci does in All My Children — looking like an angel with her hair perfectly coiffed, her head so gently against the fluffed pillow…
Are these pics before or after the wild sex you talked about? lol
i like the one with you wrapped up in a pink blanket best!
Hey blankethead, very funny. Now I’m mad at you. I read this post and like an idiot joined NabloPoMo as well. It’s all your fault !!!
What was that really awful movie with that red headed actress whose name I can never remember and she is the ONLY one who remembers she has a kid because some alien came and sucked him up into the sky??? I swear, this was a recent movie!! One word title! Maybe the same thing happened to you and Sophia!!
Giggled and laughed my way through your sleeping photos. I wouldn’t dare post mine, I hasten to add but you’re kind of cute asleep, if you’ll excuse my objective ethnographic opinion.
But a huge thank you for the secret bloke info re: laughter and men. I think you’ve found your NaBlo topic … I just have to find mine now.
Hey, just so you know … I’m funny UNTIL someone takes a photo of me sleeping – then, I’m deadly.
I was wiggin’ when I saw the boy, “Neil has a SON? Whuh?”
I like Sophia – she has sauce.
First off, let me say that you look rather dashing in your white sweater. Second, I think you’re a brave brave man to post those photos of you sleeping!! Hahaha.
classic! looking forward to the stories you’ll write this month.
Nice photos! And while you are right that funny women are hot – the opposite of that is also true. There’s nothing better than having a guy around that makes you belly laugh on a regular basis.
You’re looking very John Cusack-like in that second one. Wait a minute…are you John Cusack?!?
Funny women ARE hot!
And those photos are classic 😉
Neil – I told our neighbor last night about your blog…he reminds me of you so much! As I was explaining the blog to him he said, are you sure it’s not my dad? Oddly enough, the dad lives in Rendondo Beach….perhaps you have a long lost brother/nephew?
Great pics all the way around – Sophia is so pretty, and you look dashing in that white sweater! The little boy, “David”, yes? Adorable too! I wonder who he belongs to? By the way, pink is DEFINITELY your color :o)
“Women, write this down. It doesn’t matter the size of your boobs or what type of nail polish you wear. If you can make a man laugh, you’ve won him.”
Awesome. It’s one of the main things I have going for me.
😉
Well, sizzle, in your case… you hit the trifecta…
Is that your real hair?
Yes. Why? Does it look fake?
I love your sleeping shots.
I wish it were true that guys loved funny women. I make guys laugh all the time and I still can’t get a date…maybe they’re just laughting AT me.
Just to ease Jennifer’s mind, I saw the movie(and keep seeing it over here because it’s shown ad infinitum). The movie she’s referring to is 2004’s “The Forgotten” with Julianne Moore as Telly Paretta, who has lost her son Sam in a supposed plane crash. I hope she can sleep now… cos, I’m not sure I can after seeing these pics! LOL!
that last one? very virgin mary-like. not that you were going for that or anything.
well i think sleeping men are hot. i’m married to an expert.
lol. goodness, and I thought I was forgetful.
You two coblogging more than ever. Warms the cockles of my heart.
I think a fake kid would be much better to have. You can feel free to dump it when it becomes a surly teenager.
Don’t worry about your lost kid- you still have all the fixings to make another. New and better. Course Sophie has to agree…
That last picture is the funniest picture ever.
As encouraging as the theme of this post is (hot=funny, not fake offspring), it’s not always true. Funny might = hot, but hot= hotter than funny. This can be proven by the fact that all the hot girls have hunky boyfriends, while those of us who lean more on their wits than their beauty are stuck trying to write blog posts about how funny single life is.
Wow. What’s my therapist’s number? I clearly need to book an appointment.
LMAO — those sleeping pictures are making me laugh so hard I am having a coughing fit! My favorite is the baby Neil wrapped in pink swaddling-clothes ;-D
Do you drool too?
The only person who doesn’t laugh at my jokes is my husband, who finds my humor weird and inappropriate.
His lack of laughter is a very serious issue between us.
This is why woman should not be allowed to operate cameras.
Why am I thinking that kid is probably on the side of a milk carton now?
My husband is a genuine stand-up comedian. I’ll ask him if I pass the “funny women are hot” contest.
Great blog!
I knew I wanted my husband to become my husband when I made him laugh, and his eyes crinkled up.
Making people laugh is my favorite thing ever.
(I think the movie Jennifer is trying to think of is Flightplan, a movie I once blogged about it pissed me off so.)
Poor David. I wonder if it was a Target you left him at.
i like the middle sleeping neil the best 🙂
You have pretty closed eyes…or is that, you are pretty with closed eyes?
I can’t decide. And is that a hippie cord around your neck…Is there a hippie Neil phase?? Now those are pictures I might pay to see!!
You looked happy as a dad. Happy suits you.
thank you Sophia.
Thanks for the update Neil. I sure hope that men feel that way. I love being funny!
As far as I know, Jodie Foster had her same old blond hair in Flightplan, not red. Unless someone knows something about her carpet and drapes that I missed in my viewing of the movie… ;-D
Is that the movie where she loses her child on an airplane (which she designed, of course) and she’s running all over the place?
And there is a story about that thing I am wearing around my neck, but neither Sophia or I can remember why! I think you really do start losing your memory as you get older. L:uckily, when I’m 80, I can always come back to my blog to remind myself what I was doing in 2007.
I think funny men are hot, too. Even when they sleep with their mouths open. I’m so tempted to photoshop that photo and put a big breast in your mouth. 🙂
The Dingo stole your Baby.
You animal. I had a sense from your previous posts that you were dynamite in the sack… there is nothing sexier than drool and, if I can hazard a guess, snoring (the open mouth in your pictures just SCREAMS noisy).
Oh well, it was just a guess…I missed the red-head bit.
and the alien bit…
I’m going to bed now.
I find that most things I tell my girlfriend about regarding my blog are followed by “Why?”
and yet, funny men are just, well, funny.
I’ve been working my whole life to develop my funny side. Not so much the hot side. Thanks to you I am realizing a two-birds-one-stone deal and am elated. Thanks for the good news!!!
So now we can all say we slept with Neil.
I am out of retirement and have joined the NaBloPoMo. Shut up.
We can all say we slept with Neil? But, I just got here (Well, two or three days ago, but still…). I can’t move that fast, as I am old…funny, but old (36) :o) Neil appears to be a blanket hog, anyway ;o)
These photos are awesome, and you are brave! 🙂
I love the first picture of you! The glasses suit you.
Funny men are hot too! You now have your whole female readership drooling over those bed pictures Neil…
Hahahahaha! You were doing good until the pink blanket shot at the end. It appealed to me in a sort of ‘homeless dude’ kind of way. Was reaching for my spare change then to put in the hat!
Loved it Neilochka
Fake David is a cutie!!
Neil, I am still wondering who the kid is? I mean, really…who is the kid? You look like you’re posing for a Sear’s photo!
We’re not exactly sure, but we now think he is the son of a friend of a friend in Brooklyn who we visited back then.
What is NaBloPoMo? Why have I never heard of this. I gather it is a November thing, and November is already started and I haven’t heard about it!
A day late and a dollar short. That’s me.
Funny women ARE indeed hot. As are men who sleep in pink blankets. ; )