Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: March 2007 (Page 2 of 3)

Nominee for 2007 Nobel Peace Prize

March 21, 2007 / / 21 Comments

 

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I received an email today asking if Sophia and I got along during our road trip.  And the answer is, “Yes.”  This is very surprising because we usually have our worst fights while on the road.  All the new stimuli can create a lot of tension.  So, what was different this time?  Did therapy help?  Prozac?  “The Secret?”

No. 

It is something I would like to nominate for the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize.

For generations, there has been war.  Each time a man and woman get together to travel to a new destination, the fragile harmony is always broken by bickering and verbal insults.

“Why don’t you ask for directions?” the woman asks, her voice shrill with nagging.

“I have a c**k, woman!” the hot-headed male responds.  “It will point me in the right direction.”

“It certainly had a lot of trouble pointing anywhere last night!” she answers, throwing the first grenade, signalling a readiness to use weapons of mass destruction on the male’s Achilles heel — his ego.  

Soon, the male brings up the female’s “weight,” which means only one thing —  all-out war. 

How many divorces have occurred over asking directions?   Throughout history, this event has occurred over and over again — on camels, on horse and buggies, on Volkswagen Bugs (I punch you).  The Trojan War — started over bad directions.   Henry VIII killed his third wife for constantly bringing up a right turn he made in London once when he was supposed to go left.

But now — FINALLY — there is peace and love on our modern highways and freeways.   There is fraternity among the sexes.   The automobile has become a friendly place again.  There is less fighting over directions, and more lovemaking in the backseat — all because of one invention.

The Future Winner of the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize — GPS Navigation!

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How can you argue over a robot chick with a pleasant voice who knows how to go EVERYWHERE? 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Really Extreme Makeover:  Home Edition

Dear Emily Blogpost

March 20, 2007 / / 43 Comments

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Dear Emily Blogpost,

I’m a male blogger who lives in the Los Angeles area.  Recently, it was my birthday, and I received cards and gifts from other bloggers.  Today I started writing “thank you” emails.  Things started out well.  I sent four emails, but then I suddenly stopped, feeling myself going into a panic.  Sweat poured down onto my shirt.  What was the problem?  I feared that I had made a terrible mistake in blog etiquette. 

I quickly reread my notes and it was just as I had feared –  at the end of each note I signed things off at the end as, “Love, Neil.” 

Now, while I am fond of these bloggers, I’m not sure I actually “love” them in the traditional sense.  I probably was overdoing the literary hyperbole, which is a frequent problem of mine as a writer.  When I used the word “love,” I hoped to convey a friendly fondness, much like a person can love a cat, or a bowl of Fruit Loops.  I hope that this “love” is not misinterpreted by others to mean “I am now stalking you” or “I know your bra size is 36D and I think about you when I caress the Bali Bras at Target,” or “meet me in the Westin at LAX, room 1201 on Saturday at 3PM so we can **** for a couple of hours on Westin’s trademarked signature Heavenly Bed (with ten layers of comfort!).

Perhaps I should just stop writing, “Love, Neil” on my thank you notes. especially to other men.  I thought about ending each email by saying, “Your friend, Neil,” but that seems lame, as if we hang out together and play Texas Hold Em on Thursday Nights or go to see action movies together.   “Your Blog Associate, Neil” is even worse, because it sounds like some new-fangled job description at Google.

Eh, maybe I’ll just go back to “Love, Neil” and hope someone hot misinterprets it and shows up at the Westin.

Emily Blogpost, please help!

Loves Too Much

P.S. — In a sidenote, while we were travelling, Sophia and I found it amusing that hotels still don’t have 13th floors in 2007.  Isn’t this the silliest superstition to have in modern times?  You can bring a hooker to your room, but can’t sleep on the 13th Floor?  Why not just ban mirrors and black cats?  Hell, Sophia and I got MARRIED on October 13th!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Meeting Barry at Canter’s

No Place Like Home

March 19, 2007 / / 32 Comments

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Sophia sometimes works with a interpreting and translation agency in Carmel, and she really likes the people who work there, but has never met any of them in person. So, today, after leaving San Francisco, we made a special detour just to visit the staff of Richard Schneider Enterprises in Carmel. Apparently, the bunch is as nice in person as they are on the phone. Have you ever seen a happier group of people? This is what you look like when you work in beautiful Carmel.

We were supposed to stay in Carmel for the night, but we decided we were homesick, even for ugly Los Angeles, so off we went… back home, fighting the traffic along the way.

So, we’re home! Home at last. It’s so wonderful to be looking out the window again, seeing the beautiful scenery and listening to the running water in the lovely creek outside our living room.

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Wait. That’s not a creek I hear. That’s the broken toilet upstairs. And that photo is not from Los Angeles. That’s a photo I took at Applegate Lake near Ashland, Oregon, right before we stopped at that little cafe and drank some hot apple cider. Over here, we look into the living room of the five surfer dudes who live next to us, the ones who blast Nirvana at 2AM in the morning and leave bottles of Corona on the street.

But it’s good to be home… no more sharing a laptop with Sophia, which means MORE blogging!

All in all, we had a great time on our West Coast Bloggers Tour 2007.

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It was a pleasure to meet so many of you. Now, it’s time to go to Danny’s and see the rest of my birthday cards and gifts! By the time I finish celebrating my birthday this year, it will be my NEXT birthday.

I apologize for not reading many blogs in the last two weeks. Now, it’s time for me to catch up with YOU. Once, when I went on vacation, I complained about finding it difficult to keep up with your blogs, and I asked you to help me keep connected by writing a quick summary of your lives in my comments.

Have you noticed that I didn’t ask you to do it for me during this trip?

The reason is that by now, I know you so well, I KNOW what you are writing about without having to actually read anything —

  • 4 of you are depressed.
  • 2 of you are having problems with your husband.
  • 3 of you are having trouble with your teenage daughter.
  • 2 of you are worried that your newborn baby is making you a boring person.
  • 2 of you are worried about drinking too much chardonnay with other mothers during playtime.
  • 4 of you need to get laid NOW!
  • 1 of you did get laid, and it wasn’t very good.
  • 3 of you are reading David Sedaris again.
  • 2 of you think “Gilmore Girls” has jumped the shark.
  • 2 of you are impressed with how the Google Reader is helping with your blog reading.
  • 3 of you got drunk for the third time this week.
  • 4 of you really hate George Bush.
  • 2 of you are writing poems about your depression.
  • 3 of you have been lazy and are just posting “funny” videos from YouTube.
  • 2 of you went on bad dates with men who falsely described themselves as taller and richer on Match.com.
  • 3 of you are badmouthing the “bitch” you ex-boyfriend is sleeping with.
  • 5 of you are writing about the new shoes you just bought.
  • 4 of you are describing your bikini wax.
  • 5 of you are saying that you met Sophia and me, and liked Sophia better.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: LA is So Laid Back

City of Bitchin Beautiful Bloggers

March 18, 2007 / / 19 Comments

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City on the Bay.

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We had a great day today. It started out with us meeting Dagny and Buzzgirl. We had Sunday brunch (everyone in SF eats brunch), saw a lot of gay men with perfect bodies, met Buzzgirl’s sophisticated twelve year old daughter who mocked my French, and Buzzgirl took us on a tour of the “real” San Francisco that the tourists never see.

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At night, we went to a Thai restaurant with Stacy from Jurgen Nation and her super-smart boyfriend, Matt. Here is Stacy with her always-present Nikon camera. She loves taking photos so much, she even asked the restaurant manager if she could take photos of the interesting lanterns hanging in the adjacent room.

When we left the restaurant, some very talky homeless guy passed by and Matt quickly moved to block Stacy from any danger. I just stood there and watched. I didn’t even notice much, until Sophia told me how manly and gentlemanly she thought that was of Matt.  Thanks a lot, Matt. Next time we meet Stacy, I hope she leaves you at home.

Tomorrow — Carmel, then back to LA on Tuesday!

I Parked My Car in San Francisco

March 16, 2007 / / 21 Comments

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Random Girl on San Francisco cable car:  “Hey, Neilochka.  C’mon over tonight with your Talking Penis and I’ll cook you guys some Rice-a-Roni, a San Francisco Treat!  Leave Sophia back at the hotel!”

Presents from Bloggers  – Napa – Mendocinio – Eureka – Redwoods – Oregon Coast – Portland – Ashland – and the longest birthday celebration ever continues with our arrival in San Francisco today.  We’re staying at the spiffy Omni Hotel, where the only option is parking your car for $48 a night!  $48 dollars a night!  I can stay at a Motel 6 for the same price as parking my car.  Luckily, it is the weekend, and I found a nearby garage where I can park my car for twelve dollars a night.

I mentioned in my last post that Sophia was stopped twice by Oregon Highway Patrol and smiled her way out of each ticket.  Today, it was my turn to drive the six hours from Ashland to San Francisco.

Sophia:  “You’re driving 65 on the freeway.”

Neil:  “You’re supposed to drive 65 on the freeway.”

Sophia:  “No one drives 65 on the freeway.  It’s dangerous.  Everyone is passing you.” 

Neil:  “I don’t want to be stopped by the police.”

Sophia: “No one is going to stop you if you stay the same speed as everyone else.  I want to get to San Francisco today.”

A half hour later, in the Mount Shasta area of California, I noticed the twirling lights of the Highway Patrol in my rear view mirror.  I pulled over.  An officer slowly walked to my window.  I kept my hands on the steering wheel so he doesn’t think I’m armed.  I smiled nervously.  This was the FIRST TIME I”ve ever been stopped on the freeway. 

And yes, I received my first traffic ticket, despite my smiling.   Thank you very much, Sophia!  So much for my perfect status as a Citizen of the Month.

There Are More Black People on American Idol than in the Entire City of Portland

March 15, 2007 / / 41 Comments

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1)  There are more black people on American Idol than in the entire city of Portland.  

I like Portland.  It looks like an Edward Hopper painting, a little dark and depressed.  The city is chock full of old neon signs and from the outside, the city seems like it hasn’t changed in fifty years (although the old tannery is now a trendy bistro)…. but maybe the city has TOO much of a 1950’s feel.   I’ve never seen so many white faces in my life.  On Thursday night, we went to a jazz club that Ellen Bloom recommended called Jimmy Mak’s and saw one black guy, the sax player in a fifteen piece band.  That’s ONE black guy in a Jazz Band, in a Jazz Club, in an entire city, in four days!

2)  We’ve met Portland’s finest bloggers.

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Lani and Patry (photo stolen from Lani because mine was too dark)

After meeting the charming Chantel at Tequilacon, we made it a mission to meet other Portland bloggers.  We had dinner with blogging friend Alexandra (who baked us some delicious cake) and then attended a literary salon at the home of the uber-talented writer/illustrator Lani.   The meeting was in honor of Cape Cod-based blogger Patry, who is on tour promoting her first novel, The Liar’s Club.   It was inspirational hearing Patry talk about her book, which I can’t wait to read.  Laini also talked about her forthcoming book, Faeries of Dreamdark.   It was wonderful hearing about the successes of fellow bloggers!  (Yeah, right.  I hate them!)

3)  It is official.  Sophia has the “X” factor.

I drive as slow as an old woman.  Sophia drives like a Nascar racer.  She was stopped TWICE by the Oregon highway patrol, but both times she was let go WITH just a WARNING!   Why does that never happen to me?

4)  Sophia and I are punching each other.

Danny’s daughter, Leah, taught us a driving game that is more current than “Geography.”  I forget what it is called, but you basically can punch the other person whenever you see a Volkswagen Beetle.  The score so far:  Sophia – 7, Neil – 3.

5)  High culture — feh!

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We’re currently staying in Ashland, Oregon, which is a cute little town in the Southern part of the state.  We’re staying at this offbeat hundred-year old hotel that looks like something out of “The Shining.”  The main excitement in town is that it is the home to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.    So, what did we see at the Shakespeare festival?  A bad Tom Stoppard farce.  However, tonight, there is Shakespeare playing at the Shakespeare festival , but we are choosing to go to the Oregon Cabaret Theater to see some dumb little musical called “Men on Ice,” about a fishing hole in Milwaukee.

6)  Water.

We’ve seen a lot of water — the ocean, lakes,rivers and creeks.  Being a Pisces, I should like water, but Sophia is the one who’s always dragging me to drive an hour and a half to see some creek.  We had a long discussion today, and decided that rivers and creeks are the coolest of all bodies of water.

7)  Soap Opera to Go.

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Sophia and I keep up with “All My Children” via our nifty “Hava” machine plugged into our DVR at home.

8)  We’re not done yet.

Tomorrow, we are off to San Francisco — and meeting more bloggers.

Accepting Gifts

March 12, 2007 / / 43 Comments

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My father was a generous man, but he didn’t enjoy accepting gifts.  He was the eldest of three brothers and always felt like the “responsible” one.  Because of this, I stopped giving gifts to him after I graduated elementary school.  Now I am thinking it had nothing to do with him being responsible, but rather with his inability to accept from others without feeling uncomfortable.  I must say that I’ve been partially afflicted with the same malady, so a special thank you to Sophia and all of you for giving me this wonderful shock treatment.

I’ve gotten great joy from the cards and gifts that you sent to me for my Sophia-created birthday extravaganza.   This must be what a minor celebrity feels like.  I hear that there’s still more booty waiting for me at Danny’s house that I haven’t even seen yet, so if I don’t thank you just yet, it’s not that I’m rude, but that I haven’t seen what you sent yet.

So far, the cards and gifts that I have seen have been more than wonderful — they will help me become a better blogger.    This is because what I received are things every blogger needs.   In fact, they perfectly fit in to the categories of “The Twelve Necessities of Power Blogging,” an idea I set forth in my upcoming book, “The Blogger’s Secret:  How to Blog and Make Zero Dollars.”

1)  Every blogger needs links, both for ego-gratification and to prove to your spouse that what you are doing is “important.” 

And what is the real-world equivalent of seeing a new link on Technorati?   Receiving a birthday card! So, thank you, Two Roads, Alexandra, Question Girl, Becky, Noel, Lefty, Nelumbo,  Leezer, Rhea, Eileen, Jocelyn, Irina, Michele, Bella, Don’t Call Me Sir, Zoely, Claire (with bookmark!), Postmodern Sass,  and Colorful Prose.

2)  Every blogger needs material to steal from.  

Where would blogging be without cutting and pasting from other writers? 

Thank you for all the excellent reading material I can steal post ideas from!   I can’t wait to read the books (thank you, Communicatrix for “Red Pez”, Everyday Goddess for “Snowflakes,”  Karl for the funniest book he’s ever read, Old Lady of the Hills for “Free to Choose,” Lynnster for “Blog Marketing,” and Nancy French for “Red State.”), the comic books (thank you, Richard), the magazine SUBSCRIPTIONS!  (thank you, Mr. Fabulous for Mental Floss, NSC for The National Review [were you and Sophia in cahoots?], Buzzgirl for Popular Science, Leesa for The New Yorker, Jurgen Nation for the Writer), and even newspaper SUBSCRIPTIONS! (thank you, Hilly for the Los Angeles Times).

3)  Every blogger needs something cool to write on. 

I write by hand, so I appreciate the very useful and beautiful notebooks (thank you Deezee, PocketCT, and Blundering American).   And what could be better to write with than a pencil from the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam (thank you, Ash).   The pencil will always remind me NOT to cut off my ear when I am frustrated with typing in those codes on Blogger sites.

4)  Every blogger needs exercise. 

Sitting all day in front of the computer is bad for you health.   Thank you for the Kundalini Yoga DVD (Kapgar) and the pedometer (Albert).  I’m hoping that yoga will help me do some of those crazy sexual positions you always read about where the man is holding the woman upside down with his toe.

5)  Every blogger needs nourishment, particularly the essential nutrients in candy and beer.

Hello, amazing chocolate from the best shops in Belgium.   Good-bye Hershey’s from Kmart!  (thank you, V-Grrrl and Javacurls).  I love me some delicious homemade candy (thanks Fresh New Hell).  Chewing gum is always good to clear the mind (thanks Spinning Girl).  And a big woo-hoo for the beautifully packaged bottles of Chicago’s best beer! (thank you, EEK)

6)  Every blogger needs to be stylish.

No matter how good a writer you are, no one will accept you as a “real” blogger unless you have the right “look.”  Top bloggers are now hiring fashion consultants to create an image for themselves, like “The Chic Knitting Blogger.”  Luckily, I have YOU to help me create a unique blogger fashion statement.   I like to present myself as a pseudo-intellectual, one who dabbles in bohemian poetry.  That’s why I’m so excited to get my own wool scarf, lovingly hand-knit by famed LA ukulele player/bitchin’ knitter, Ellen Bloom (thank you, Ellen).   Not only will the scarf be trendy as hell at poetry readings, but it has already kept me warm here in rainy Portland.  

Since my blog is popular with hipsters and hardcore rappers, it is important that I maintain my “street cred.”   On the street, we like to wear t-shirts celebrating cool cities, but NEVER the city that you actually live it.  That would be as lame as admitting that you listened to Vanilla Ice.   Now, I can sit at Starbucks with my laptop winning approving nods from the chick as they check out my t-shirts from Detroit Rock City (thank you, Alissa and Evan), Latin-infused Miami (thanks, Orieyenta), and Milwaukee (thank you, Psychotoddler).

Fashion today is all about “branding,” and I have — what else — started my own line of “Kramer” baseball caps.  (thank you, Pearl for the cool cap– and your poem, of course)

When I’m not out on the town, I’m home blogging in my old purple bathrobe.  Since there was a bit of dispute with Sophia over this bathrobe, I’m glad to say that I now have a BRAND NEW purple bathrobe!  How generous.  (thank you, Deanna).  And the matching handmade washcloth goes perfectly with the bathrobe.  (thank you, Katie).

Even my Penis got some attention from you, thanks to this shirt that I will proudly wear the next time I have a big interview (see above photo). (thank you, Mo)

7)  Every blogger needs creative inspiration.

There are those days when you just draw a blank and need to look at some artwork to give you a jolt.  Now I have my Muses - sexy, creative women in touch with their inner Athena.  I feel honored to hang your artwork on my bedroom wall (thanks Margaret and Stepping Over Junk).   I have a beautiful homemade quilt to now hang next to my computer (thank you, Caron).  I will cherish the photos of budding professionals and hang them in the living room.  (thank you, Finn).  And thank you, Nance, for that very personal literary journal from your school.

8)  Every blogger needs music to listen to while he blogs.

My musical taste is pretty pedestrian, ruined by my years of listening to Casey Kasem’s America’s top 40.   Now I have a homemade “blogging CD” containing the hippest music from Europe.  A Lou Reed song in French — now I’ve heard it all!  (thank you, Lauren)

9)  Every blogger needs to love technology and gadgets.

You never know when Spielberg is going to call wanting to turn your blog into a 300 million dollar film starring Leonardo DeCaprio as YOU.  That means your cell phone always has to be ready for action.  Now it can be with my new emergency phone charger!  (thank you, A Take on the World)

10)  Every blogger needs to have a sense of humor.

Blitz Kreig’s “gag gift” was hilarious.  He sent me a tool set!   It was a joke, right?   Before I use it, you will have to fly out here and tell me what a “tool” is.

11)  Every blogger needs distractions.

Blogging is strenuous work.  Even a professional like me needs to take some time away from the rat race of the blogosphere and unwind.  I love taking a long walk from my office chair to my living room couch to watch movies on DVD.  I’m looking forward to watching “The Illusionist.”  (thank you, blog date Tamar).    Sometimes, a movie isn’t enough and a blogger wants some human interaction.  That’s why I really appreciate getting that one bar of soap shaped like a breast with a nipple.  (thanks, Doris)  This is one of the first times in my life that I am hoping that someone sends me an exact duplicate of a birthday gift.  

12)  Every blogger needs good luck.

One link from Dooce and your career is set.  One photo of you naked with Paris Hilton will get you on Gawker.  From then on, you will be a blogging hero and 1% of the population will know your name.   I believe in luck.  That’s why I was so excited to get lottery tickets from other states and countries (thank you Daisy and Better Safe than Sorry).

Now, I know many of you have taken a liking to Sophia, perhaps even loving her more than me.  I don’t want to sound jealous or anything, but I want you to read the following as proof that I am the one who is truly on your side —

(after opening an envelope with a lottery ticket)

Neil:  “Look at this.  A lottery ticket from Canada!”

Sophia:  “How funny.”

Neil:  “Imagine if I actually won millions of dollars.  I could share it with everyone who sent me a card or gift.”

Sophia:  “Like **&% you will!”

See?…  Who loves you, baby?  It’s ME, not HER.

THANK YOU to everyone who participated in the Carnival of Neilochka, including blogging pals Jules , Roberta, Ascender, and Introspectre.

THANK YOU Ms. Sizzle and Dave for your greetings at Tequilacon.

And Special Love to Danny, Colleen, and of course — Sophia.

(all links will be added later, you link whores.  I have no patience right now.  I’m supposed to be on vacation!)

One Month Later:  Happy now?

Tequilacon

March 11, 2007 / / 30 Comments

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Jessica, Sophia, Neil

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Neil and Hilly

Yes, Tequilacon is over.   I got to meet a whole lot of amazing bloggers.

Yes, Sophia was there.

Yes, everyone liked her more than me. 

There was alcohol.  There was stick-on tatoos.  Sophia received a tattoo of a tiger on her cleavage.  Bloggers forgot my name.

The event took place in a converted school that is now a trendy hotel/bar.  It is not surprising that I reverted back to my elementary school days — I was intimidated by the girls and enjoyed hanging out with the boys.   It was an honor to meet such cool guys as Dave, Karl, Dustin, Mad William, Vahid, and others.  I was even shocked that my long-time evil nemesis, Brandon of the the defunct One Child Left Behind, is actually a sweet, interesting guy.

The girls were another problem.   In one room were gathered some of the most gorgeous, glamorous, and intelligent women of the blogosphere — Jenny, Jessica, Postmodern Sass, Hilly, Ms. Sizzle, Jill, Kimberly, Adena, Stacy, Communicatrix, Sibyl, Chantel, and others.  Without one glass of tequila, I was getting drunk on the sensuous scent of female bloggers’ pheremones.  Luckily, this being a former school, there was a shower in the men’s room!  Three or four times during the evening, I had to slip away from the group and take a quick cold shower to enable me to continue chatting with others without me drooling like a crazed lecher.

I know it sounds a little ridiculous to some of you to drive all the way to Portland to meet a few bloggers, but it was totally worth it.    I can’t wait to meet the rest of YOU.

My one concern about meeting a blogger is that it makes it difficult to go back to reading his blog, which is a pale imitation of the real three-dimensional person.  It almost makes reading his blog irrelevant.   So, while it was great meeting all of you last night, I think it is only appropriate to now delete you from my blogroll.  Thanks…

A Highlight of the Trip

March 10, 2007 / / 10 Comments

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The highlight of our trip so far was stopping at Port Orford, childhood home of bloggers Erin and Echo, and literally meeting half the town. Sophia and I learned so much dirt about these two. I wonder if they are still as wild as they were in high school? This is your life, Erin and Echo! Do you remember working shifts at the Seaweed Cafe?!

Sophia: “This is the ‘highlight’ of the trip? What about the majestic redwoods?”

Neil’s Penis: “I was not impressed.”

Neil: “Why not, Penis?”

Neil’s Penis: “Everyone always talks about how big they are, but it isn’t size that is important, it’s how long you stay up.

Sophia: “Didn’t you read the tourbook, Penis? Some of those redwoods have been standing up for a thousand years.”

Neil’s Penis: “Oh. Well, I guess that is impressive.”

Neil: “Don’t you think we should tell everyone that we have made it to Portland?”

Sophia: “I think it is time you wrote thank you notes for all your gifts.”

Neil: “I’m overwhelmed! The trip… the birthday greetings… meeting bloggers…”

Sophia: “Are you still nervous over whether of not to hug people when you meet them?”

Neil: “I do get a little anxious in crowds.”

Neil’s Penis: “Is Ms. Sizzle going to be there?

Neil: “I think so!”

Neil’s Penis: “You have to hug her.”

Neil: “You’re right. I do consider her to be somewhat sort of a friend.”

Neil’s Penis: “I don’t care about that! Have you seen those photos of her cleavage?”

Sophia: “sigh…”

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