Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: December 2006 (Page 3 of 3)

The Britney Spears Age Test

December 5, 2006 / / 47 Comments

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I met this man today who was seventy years old, but looked fifty, and seemed in better shape than me.  With people living older nowadays, I think the old way of determining someone’s age is increasingly irrelevant.  Someone can be a lot “younger” at 65 than 25.  In order to discover a person’s “real age,” I  offer the “Britney Spears” age test.

OLD – has never heard of Britney Spears.

SENIOR – has some vague knowledge of Britney Spears being pregnant and getting married to someone from hearing her mentioned on Leno.

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MIDDLE-AGED – knows who she is and doesn’t give a s**t about Britney Spears and wonders why so much airtime is given to someone so uninteresting.

IMMATURE ADULT – doesn’t give a s**t about Britney Spears and wonders why so much airtime is given to someone so uninteresting, but is willing to still go to some salacious website to see Britney Spears in a car wearing no underwear (find it yourself!).

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“GENERATION X” – reads US Magazine and worrries a lot about Paris Hilton’s negative influence on Britney Spears.

CHILD – knows the actual lyrics to four Britney Spears’s songs.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Twenty-Five Years Later

The Overcoat Photo (Behind the Scenes)

December 5, 2006 / / 34 Comments

IM Message One (Neil and Sophia)

Sophia:  (in Los Angeles)  How’s the weather?

Neil:  Tonight it is freezing.

Sophia:  What are you wearing?

Neil:  My leather coat.

Sophia: Don’t wear that.  It’s too cold for a leather jacket.  Wear that other coat.

Neil:  The old one?

Sophia: Yes.

Neil:  It think it may be too short on me now.  Let me see.  Later.

 

IM Message Two (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I took a photo of the me in the coat.  I’m sending it to you.  How does it look?

Sophia:  I can hardly see anything.  Everything looks orange and dark.  Can’t you photoshop it?

Neil:  It will be faster for me to take another photo.  Be back.

 

IM Message Three (Neil and Sophia)

Neil:  I’m sending another photo.  This one is special for you.

Sophia:  Ha Ha.  That’s cute!

Neil:  I used Photoshop and combined two photos — a naked one and one with the overcoat!  I stood in the exact same spot for both.

Sophia: What color is the coat?

Neil:  Grey.

Sophia:  It looks orange in the photo.

Neil:  It is the bad lighting.  I tried to fix it in Photoshop, but it just washes everything out.

Sophia:  It looks like your mother’s coat. 

Neil:  It is not my mother’s coat. 

Sophia: What man wears an orange coat… other than a pimp?

Neil:  Do you like the photo?

Sophia:  It’s funny. You should post it on the blog.

Neil:  Are you serious?

Sophia:  Yeah, why not.  You can’t see anything.

Neil:  I’ll think about it.  I don’t have anything for tomorrow anyway. 

 

IM Message Four (Neil and Charming but Single)

Neil:  Hey, C!  What’s up?

Charming:  Not much.  Work really sucked today.

Neil:  Why?

Charming:  Because my boss…

(Fifteen minutes later — Why do women remember every little detail of their work day while men just answer, “Nothing”?)

Neil:  Can I ask you a favor?  I want to send you a photo.  Tell me if you think it is OK to post.

Charming:  Sure.

Neil:  It is a little risque.

Charming:  You’re not sending me a photo of your penis, are you?

Neil:  Why would I send you a photo of my penis?

Charming:  You write about your penis.  

Neil:  I write about my penis.  I don’t take photos of my penis.

Charming:  Well, some men do.

Neil:  You have men sending you photos of their penises?

Charming:  Some guy from match.com just sent me one last week.

Neil:  Why would he send you a photo of his penis?  What are you going to do with it?  Put the photo on your fridge?

Charming:  I have no idea. 

Neil:  Believe me, I’m never going to send you a photo of my penis.  Expecially when it is so cold.

Charming:  You are an enlightened man.  Please tell other men that sending a photo of your penis to someone you just meet on Match.com does not make you good dating material.

Neil:  If you are going to send a woman something, it should be a photo of your bank account.

Charming:  I just want a nice, normal guy. 

Neil:  I will pass the info on to the blogosphere.

(note:  C is available and very charming.  Men, I perfectly understand your love of your own penis.  But please do not send any photos to a woman you are interested in.  Let it be a mystery until the day of the big unveiling.  Would you want her to send YOU an unrequested naked photo of herself? [uh, note — edit out that last sentence later])

Neil:  Well, C, here’s my picture?

Charming:  Oooh, cute! 

Neil:  Cute?  It is supposed to be a little risque, not cute. 

Charming:   I find it cute.  I like your little hat.

Neil:  Can I post this on the blog?

Charming:  Yes.  Hot!

Neil:  Do you like the coat?

Charming:  Is it your mother’s?

Neil:  It is NOT my mother’s!

Charming:  It’s orange.

Neil:  It’s gray.

Charming:  So, is this what you are doing in New York?  Taking naked photos of yourself?

Neil:  Just one photo.  To show how cold it is… in an artistic way.

Charming:  Yeah, right.

Neil:  Do you have any “artistic” photos of yourself you want to run by me?

Charming:  No. 

Neil:  OK, so thanks.  Let me post it.

Charming:  Wait, wait, wait… I haven’t finished telling you about my boss today. 

Neil:  Oh, yes… go on…

Charming:  So, we’re at this conference, and I’m giving this presentation… and remember, I was working on this all weekend… and… my boss…

(As she told me about her day, I thought about the title of my first best-selling self-help book on male-female Venus-Mars relationships:  Women Like to Chat, Men Like to Photograph Their Penis)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka Leaves His Apartment

Thou Shalt Not Use Pop-Up Ads

December 4, 2006 / / 22 Comments

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Ever since I made mention of the Holiday concert, something very weird has been going on — as if Jesus himself was trying to send me a message.  Every day when I would go through my blogroll on my new RSS reader, I would inevitably end up on some Christian religious site titled Amazing Bible Studies: 

A mega-site of Bible, Christian and religious information and studies. By God’s mercy, one of the largest Bible-centered sites on the web (app. 6000 pgs). If it’s in the Bible, it should be on this site.

What does this all mean?  Should I be using the Holiday Concert as something more than entertainment for those too cheap to pay to go see the Nutcracker with their kids?  Should I be preaching the gospel?

Luckily, today I solved the mystery.  I mispelled blogspot as blogpsot, and no matter what Blogger site you type in, if you spell blogspot as blogpsot, you are taken to this weird Bible site (be careful of the many pop-ups).

Orieyenta’s site:  http://orieyenta.blogspot.com/

Scary Bible site:  http://orieyenta.blogpsot.com/

Have fun and try it with your own Blogger site!  Impress your friends!  But really — would God put so many pop-up ads on His Page?

Make Serious Web Money

December 3, 2006 / / 18 Comments

The secret is out:  Here is why New York bloggers are so successful at getting book deals.

1)  They take this “Learning Annex” Free Class I saw advertised on every block in the Upper West Side –  “Make Serious WEB MONEY.  Turn your computer into a CASH MACHINE!”

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2)  They blog in their bikini by the pool.   Wait…wait… wait… is this cover left over from when they taught the course in Los Angeles?

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The Christmahanukwanzaakah Holiday Concert Program

December 2, 2006 / / 50 Comments

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Christahanukwanzaakah Blogger Poster Girl
Jamelah from jamelah.net 

The First Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert  is coming together.   Since the concert is on December 20th, you need to have your song either in my hands or published by that day (and you need to give me the link).  If you want to include a photo of your tree or menorah, try to get it to me by  December 18th.  

If you would like to perform, just add your name and song in the comments or email me.

As of now, our concert includes some of the most talented blogger/performers in the international blogging community. (this is called publicity!)   Never have so many top bloggers/recording artists graced the stage/blog post at one time!  These include such superstars as:

Hilly — “Adeste Fideles”
Nelumbo — “Up on the House Top”
Becky — “God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman”
Leezer — “The Little Town of Bethelehem”
Erin — “Santa Baby”
Dagny — “Christmas Time is Here”
Non-Highlighted Heather — “Silent Night”
Elisabeth — “French Carol”
Ellen Bloom — “Jingle Bell Rock”
Mo — “Blue Christmas”
Tiff — “Chestnuts on an Open Fire”
Buzzgirl — something in French!
Femme D’espoir  — “Virgin’s Cradle Song”
Caryn — the Chipmunks Christmas song
Pam – “Santa Baby”
Wendy — “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Maitresse — “Have Yourself a Very Merry Christmas”
Fitena – “Silent Night”
Paintergirl – “Rockin the Night Away”
SJ – “Let in Snow”
Orieyenta –”Oh Chanukah”
Sophia — “Ocho Kandelikas”
Scarlet — Klezmer
Linda — “Dovid Melech Yisrael”
Psychotoddler – “Sevivon”
Sarah and daughter — “Hanukkah Song”
Sheana – “Dreidel, Dreidel.”
Chana – Hanukkah Song
Certifiable Princess – “8 Crazy Nights”
Priss – self-written Hanukkah song
Hila – “Mi Y’Malel”

Doris – ?
Heather B – ?
Edgy Mama and husband – ?
Dana – ?
Francesca – ?
NSC – ?
RDL — ?
Patry — ?

The First Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Holiday Concert — December 20, 2006

December 1, 2006 / / 41 Comments

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1)  Sign up in the comments.   You can sign up until the day of the concert — December 20th, so don’t worry.  The only reason to do it is to make sure that we don’t have ten versions of “Jingle Bells.”  If you already know what song you are going to sing or play, tell us.  But if five of you MUST sing “Deck the Halls,” then just go for it!  We’ll understand.  Tis the season…

2) Record your Christmas or Hanukkah or Holiday song.  Both Windows and Mac come with sound recorders.  You just plug a microphone in.  These microphones are very cheap.  Don’t worry about sounding professional.  You’re a blogger!  I will later include the names of some free software that will help you trim the pauses at the beginning and end.  If you get a lot of background noise, I have some software that includes a noise reduction filter.  I can edit or filter the track for you.

Just remember to watch that you don’t go “INTO THE RED” (or record at too loud of a level) or sound will get distorted.

You can record it in several formats — Mp3 is compressed, .wav sometimes sounds better (but it is a much larger file).

3)  Family members can contribute to the music or song, but YOU must contribute for this to be a true Bloggers’ Holiday Concert.

4)  It is your song.  You can put it on your blog or MySpace.  It would actually be a lot easier if you post it yourself than sending it to me.  Just give me the link to the post.   OR I will host it for you myself.  Just send me as an attachment.  (I will write more about that later because the file could be very large)

5)  If anyone knows more about sound recording, sending audio files, etc., please jump in with your advice.

6)  I’m also hoping to decorate my post with photos of your menorahs and Christmas trees, so if you are not contributing a song, please help us making the place festive!  We can also use some holiday RECIPES for both Hanukkah and Christmas.  I will even allow one or two photos of kittens if dressed with the appropriate Holiday spirit.

7)  Any questions?  Enjoy!

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