Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: September 2006 (Page 3 of 3)

I’ve Never Seen Him Act So Cocky

September 9, 2006 / / 14 Comments

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From Neil:

He’s getting impossible to live with. Like a roommate who won’t shut up about the big touchdown he once made in high school.

To make it worse, my Penis totally messed up my Saturday Night fun, by opening his stupid mouth and dissing me in front of these two nice knitting bloggers I met for coffee yesterday at Starbucks and then brought back to my place to show them this sweater that my grandmother knitted for me several years ago —

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Cindi: “Holy Crochet Needles! His Penis is telling us something, Heather!”

Neil’s Penis: “Forget Neilochka! I’m the one on Technorati, not him! He’s more like your gay friend! C’mon, ladies — let’s leave Neil and go clubbing on Sunset.”

Heather: “I had a feeling that Neil wasn’t the cool one. He was so dull at the coffee shop. How much can he talk about that Sophia?  Let’s grab our knitting patterns and blow this pop stand with the super-talented Penis!”

Neil’s Penis: “Don’t wait up, Neilochka!”

Neil’s Penis’s Dating Rules for Men

September 8, 2006 / / 76 Comments

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Hello, I’m Neil’s Penis. Today I’ll be guest-blogging on “Citizen of the Month” because Neil is in the corner crying like a little wimp over Sophia. I have no idea why God punished me by attaching me to such a girly-man.

Now I know that Neil likes to be all cutesy on his blog, but I’m NOT Neil. I’m here to rant. And if there is one thing that gets my goat it’s all these so-called “experts” online giving dating advice. I especially hate it when they give advice to men because it is always bull***t written either by a gay dude, a clueless single guy who wouldn’t know what to do with his c**k if he had a chance, or some bitter broad who can’t find a man as good as her daddy. If anyone should give dating advice to men, you know who it should be? — ME! Is there anyone out there who knows as much about women as me? Neil might be a hopeless dummy, but I realize that with one snap of my finger, I can have half of Neilochka’s blogroll in bed catering to me. Because I know what makes a woman tick.

Now, I’ve seen some dumb sites in my time, but nothing is as idiotic as AskMen.com. Who the f**k are these “men” that are writing this crap — some New York pussywhipped eunuchs who rush down to Zabar’s every time their girlfriend wants some organic goat cheese?

In this lame article, AskMen’s “relationship correspondent” decides to help single men with the Top 10 “Secret Dating Rules.”

So, men, grab a manly leather chair. Listen to the s**t this moron says, and then hear what a real expert — ME! — has to say. Take my advice and I guarantee that you will be f***ing like a pro in no time!

Here is the introduction to this AskMen idiocy:

AskMen: “For as long as there have been men and women, there have been dating and dating rituals. Being the sly hunters we are, men have built up a reservoir of knowledge and cunning over the millennia on how to successfully woo the ladies over the first few weeks of a courtship.

There are many fish in the sea, and there are many baiting procedures you can use to reel them in. And though many women may be aware of some of our strategies, they surely don’t know of all of them. Let’s keep it that way, gentlemen. Keep these timeless secret dating tips under your hat and enjoy the learning process.”

Neil’s Penis: “Am I right about this writer being an asshole? I mean — do we even have to go any further?”

Dating “Rule” #10 — Wait three days before calling back

AskMen: “The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn’t think you’re desperate to see her. And it’s become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it…”

Neil’s Penis: “Utter nonsense. Of course this is the “Golden Rule.” She knows it is the stupid rule. Everyone who has ever seen a movie knows it is THE rule. So, are you gonna follow the rule? Of course not! Not if you want to get the pick of the litter babes. If you wait three days, you are telling the woman that you are nothing more than middle manager material who follows the rules and that the best you can do in the bedroom is the missionary position for four minutes flat. Did Alexander the Great follow the rules? Did Napoleon? Napoleon was a short little nudnik, but he got to f**k the hot Josephine every night — because he didn’t follow the rules. I say — call her up ten minutes after you get home. Then call her again an hour later. Show her that YOU follow your OWN rules, and she’ll be doing the Kama Sutra with you in no time.”

Dating “Rule” #9 — Take her where everyone knows your name

AskMen: “Another way to impress your new woman early in the game is to go somewhere where you already have a great reputation. By taking her to one of your usual haunts, you’ll get to showcase your smooth self in action among your vast circle of acquaintances…”

Neil’s Penis: WTF?! Is this guy kidding? You’re a single guy. What establishment knows your damn name? It certainly ain’t Cheers. It IS the strip joint. The Thai massage parlor. The sleazy dive where you once felt up that bartender’s mother in the men’s room. Is this where you WANT to bring your date? I say go to a place where no one has ever seen your face and — if the date doesn’t work out — will never see you again.

Dating “Rule” #8 — Resist sleeping with her early on

AskMen: “Aside from the fact that withholding yourself will keep her wanting you more, adhering to this rule also shows her that you’re a man who isn’t ruled by his loins…”

Neil’s Penis: “Now I’m sure this was written by some guy who has never been laid. This “expert” doesn’t know s**t about women. No woman spends two hours getting all dolled up and wearing the most uncomfortable goddamn high heels in the world, just for some mediocre dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. She wants to get laid as bad as you do! Why do you think she is wearing that new sexy underwear? She’s hoping you will actually see it while taking it off her! This dating “rule” is so stupid — and so insulting to women, that I’d like to shove a RULER up this writer’s loins.”

Dating “Rule” #7 — Limit your spending

AskMen: “One of the best ways to know if she’s a keeper is to find out how much money she expects you to spend on her. On early dates, take her to places where you don’t have to spend much, such as a coffee shop, lounge or boardwalk…”

Neil’s Penis: “Ha Ha Ha, now I’m wondering if Neilochka is writing this crap himself. Yeah, women just LOVE going on a date with Neil at Chicago for Ribs using a 2-1 coupon. What a cheapskate he is! But oh my, what if a guy actually spends money! I can see the scenario now as some girl comes back from her date and tells her roommates how it went: “Well, he’s nice enough, but he’s such a big spender! We took a private jet to Paris and we danced all night at this exclusive nightclub. I just don’t know if I want to go on a second date with a man who doesn’t “limit his spending.” This rule makes me want to puke.”

Dating “Rule” #6 — Screen her first few calls

AskMen: “While the 10th rule prevents you from appearing too needy, this one allows you to gauge whether she’s desperate…”

Neil’s Penis: “Huh? Am I reading this “rule” wrong? Desperate? Desperate is GOOD! This is the type of woman who is insatiable in bed — and then makes you French toast in the morning. I don’t see the problem, do you?”

Dating “Rule” #5 — Don’t offer her gifts early on

AskMen: “Very rarely are you going to recognize a woman as the love of your life within the first few months of dating her… So don’t get all goofy and start showering her with expensive gifts…”

Neil’s Penis: “More bulls**t! Let’s go back to the woman from our example. Now she’s come back from a date with a new guy, after dumping the big spender. She’s sullen. She wants to give up on dating completely. She drowns herself in chocolate ice cream as she tells a roommate about her miserable date, “Look, he bought me a diamond necklace! When am I ever going to meet a man who’s Mr. Right?” This writer should be banned from every writing another word.”

Dating “Rule” #4 — Be mysterious… but not weird

AskMen: “Remember not to volunteer any information about past relationships, your family or your job right away. Your woman will keep you guessing about her, so you need to do the same in return. Maintaining some intrigue keeps the spice in dating.”

Neil’s Penis: “This might have been true — in 1890! Today, anyone can find out the size of your c**k by searching for it on Google! There’s no more secrets. If anything, today is the day of promotion, marketing, advertising. You WANT to have a video on YouTube of you screwing the entire women’s volleyball team. In fact, rather than keeping secrets on the first date, I suggest you hand over a document listing every woman you ever shagged. Even better, try to get testimonials of how good you were in bed. It is asinine to keep a woman guessing. It’s like a job interview. She’ll just move on to the next candidate. Get in there, tell her what you can do for her, and start f***ing her already before she gives the job to someone else!”

Dating “Rule” #3 — Don’t flatter her too much

AskMen: “While it’s true that you will have to do some flattering in your initial flirtations, keep it toned down. The worst thing you can do is lay on the compliments too thick at the beginning.”

Neil’s Penis: “I hate emoticons, but you know the one where he’s rolling his eyes. Because that’s what I’m doing. Rolling my F***ING EYES! I’m not even going to spend time rebutting this one. Just take it from me, the FASTEST WAY, and I mean Freeway-fast-with-no-traffic fast, to get into a woman’s pants is to tell her how beautiful her eyes are. Case f***ing closed!”

Dating “Rule” #2 — Don’t meet her friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “Finding the time to date a new girl is always a challenge, so don’t make things more difficult for yourself by agreeing to meet her friends, as well… So keep her friends out of the picture until you feel confident that the relationship is actually heading somewhere…”

Neil’s Penis: “Don’t meet her friends yet? Why not? This is a pussy-boy’s approach. It is to your ADVANTAGE to check out her friends. Maybe there’s someone even hotter than she is? And think of the future. Chances are it’s not going to work out with this woman. It’s reality, dude. And the minute you go bust, so does the mind-blowing sex every Saturday night. But remember the Boy Scouts motto? Be prepared. Be prepared by planting the seeds with one of her friends beforehand, so if things go bad, you don’t even have to miss one weekend of f***ing. You can just slide another woman right into the slot. You see — the Boy Scouts weren’t so gay after all. There was wisdom there!”

Dating “Rule” #1 — Don’t let her meet your friends ‑- yet

AskMen: “It’s a two-way street, and it’s always best to keep your new woman away from your good buddies at the start, too. She may not be prepared for their sense of humor, or they may reveal things about you that you’d rather keep her in the dark about…”

Neil’s Penis: “Yawn. Amateur Hour. Women are women for a reason. They actually like when you SHOW THEM OFF to your friends. They light up like a the Las Vegas Strip when you ask your friends, “Isn’t my new girlfriend hot?! What do you think of her tits, man?!” And showing off your women does wonders for your career. In fact, many companies ONLY promote men with hot girlfriends or wives. That’s why it is important for you to take her out meeting people as soon as possible. Sure, it’s nice having her home in the bedroom. But every once in a while, you need to lift your nose up from between her thighs, look into her eyes, and say, “Hey, baby, let’s go take a drive so I can show you off to my friends and business associates.” She’ll melt in your arms.”

It’s the weekend, men. So, you know what that means. Get out there and start doing what comes naturally! We’ll compare notes on Monday in the locker room. And I suppose Neilochka will be back next time with his weepy Sophia s**t.

Neil’s Penis — Out!

The Romantic Post

September 7, 2006 / / 51 Comments

This morning, I had a pleasant surprise.  Sophia sends me a photo of herself at work, taken with her cellphone.  I called her a half hour later, telling her I have a surprise for her in return.

Neil:  “Sofotchka, cute photo!  I made a post out of it for the blog.  Check it out.   It’s in draft.”

Sophia goes into my “manage” area of WordPress to look at the post.  It looks something like this:

Thursday Morning, 8AM,  Los Angeles —

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Thursday Morning, 8AM, New York —

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Sophia:  “Uh, I don’t get it.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.  It’s like we’re 3000 miles apart, but I’m still dreaming about you in bed.”

Sophia:  “Huh?  You’re really losing it.  No one is going to get that.”

Neil:  “No?’

Sophia:  “What it actually looks more like is, “Look here.  Sophia is awake and is already hard at work as a Russian Dialect Coach early in the morning while I’m still in bed lying around.””

Neil:  “Why would I write a post like that?”

Sophia:  “I have no idea.   That’s why I was confused.”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic.”

Sophia:  “Well, thank you.  But how old is that photo of you?  It doesn’t even look like you.”

Neil:  “A few years.”

Sophia:  “A few years?  At least five or six.  You don’t have one white hair on your head.  Are you trying to fool your readers?”

Neil:  “No, I just needed a photo of me sleeping.  I’m supposed to be dreaming about you, remember?!”

Sophia:  “I remember this photo.  This is like SEVEN years ago.  I took it while you were sleeping… of your tush.  You’re obsessed with this naked thing!  What is this — a porno blog now?”

Neil:  “It’s supposed to be romantic!”

Sophia:  “Email me this photo.  I forgot all about it.”

Neil:  “No.”

Sophia:  “Now you’re shy?”

Neil:  “I don’t feel romantic anymore.”

Sophia:  “Aw, come on.   You flirt with every girl on the blogosphere, but won’t send your own (separated) wife a  photo of your tush.”

Neil:  “OK, here…”

I email the photo to Sophia.  She starts laughing.

Neil:  “What’s so funny?”

Sophia:  “Forget about your gray hairs.  Your ass doesn’t look like that anymore, either!”

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Neilochka vs. Nicole

Sophia’s Favorite New Technology

September 6, 2006 / / 35 Comments

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I haven’t written too much about it, but I’m pretty nervous about what happens when Sophia returns. Living apart, we were able to live in limbo land. Now that I’m here at her place, it is closer to “make it or break it” time.

Sometimes I wonder if we had kids, whether it would all be easier. We would have some external force keeping us together besides just “love.” Or even if we had some beloved pet that we dote on. The closest we have to a “third party” that we share in is watching “All My Children.”

I’ve written about “All My Children” in the past — about how Sophia turned me onto it. One of our special rituals at home is to take off our clothes, jump into bed together — and watch that day’s AMC on the Tivo.  Of course, as in most things, Sophia controls the remote control.  (editor’s note:  This does not mean sex — we started watching AMC in bed, so it became a tradition.  And the taking off of the clothes is mostly for practical reasons.  Who gets into bed in their dirty clothes?)

Even when we separated, we still spoke every day about the latest dumb plot twist, or just how bad Susan Lucci is as an actress.

While I’m stuck woman-less here in LA, Sophia has a bigger dilemma — how does she keep up with AMC? Her TV has bad reception and she has no access to a VCR.

At first, I tried to describe each episode over the phone, even doing dramatic reenactments of Tad and Dixie.

Tad: Tell me, Dixie, do you kill Doctor Madden?

Dixie: How can you ask me that, Tad? Don’t all the years we were married mean anything to you?

Tad: What about your affair with David Hayward?

Dixie: You drove me into his arms. If only you would have trusted me.

Tad: Blah blah blah (as we see David Hayward standing in the doorway, listening in as every soap opera character always does)

Obviously, my reenactment just wasn’t good enough for Sophia, especially with my New Yawk accent. So, I tried something new to please my demanding wife, much as I used to do in the bedroom a long long time ago. This time, I transferred each episode to my computer then uploaded them to Sophia via the internet. It was a OK idea, but the daily four hour process was not very efficient, and wrecked havoc on my blog reading.

Luckily, modern technology came to the rescue!

Sophia convinced me to get a Hava ($249 online). As they say on their website:

“HAVA is the New Wireless solution for high quality home viewing, multicasting and remote viewing. Watch your TV on a PC anywhere in your house up to 300 feet from your HAVA Box or transmit and watch video anywhere in the world via the internet.”

Basically, you take this small box and plug it it into your TV or Tivo. It then wirelessly sends your TV signal to the internet. The only other thing I had to buy was a faster “G” routers for forty dollars, because my older “B” router couldn’t handle the streaming.

Once it was set-up, Sophia could watch her TV at Redondo Beach on her laptop in Manhattan. All she needed was a password to get access. Even better, she has a virtual “remote control” to do everything she can do here — pause, delete, record, etc.  I can actually sit in Redondo Beach and watch her change the channels from NY!

Sophia must have been so excited playing with the TV because this morning I suddenly saw it jumping by itself from channel to channel, I saw every button on Tivo pressed.  For a second, I forgot about the Hava and thought that a ghost had taken over!

Pretty cool. Does this mean we’re all soon going to be watching “American Idol” in our local Starbucks? Or watching that Yankees game on our TV in Brookyn while in Paris?

After I returned home last night, I called Sophia and was happy to hear that she hadn’t watched “All My Children” yet.  Sophia put on her Hava, then we both took off our clothes, got into our respective beds in different cities, and watched yesterday’s “All My Children” at the exact same time. It was just like being together. Sophia even controlled the remote control.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Dr. Phil’s Son Engaged to Playboy Triplet

Let’s Stop Ladies’ Night!

September 5, 2006 / / 32 Comments

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Being passive-aggressive, I don’t get into too many fights. I’m more apt to make sarcastic comments created to irritate the other person.

If a Republican is against affirmative action, I might ask his opinion of George Bush getting into Yale because of his father’s connections.

If an ultra-liberal is spouting off about the American education system, I might inquire why he sends his children to some fancy private school rather than supporting public education.

Artsy types love talking about the latest exhibit at the museum, but rarely about the robber barons that built the museum or the ethnic artifacts stolen from the culture of third world countries.

Last night I met some Angelenos in a hip restaurant. One of them was a pretty, intelligent film editor. We had a nice conversation. After talking about women in Hollywood, she switched subjects. She wanted to remind her friends to meet in some Burbank bar tomorrow, since it was Ladies Night, which meant free drinks! Of course, rather than keeping my mouth shut and possibly getting to see this woman naked, I HAD to bring up the inconsistency of a politically-minded person going to a “ladies night.”

“Isn’t it wrong to participate in some ritual that is clearly condescending to women, as if women cannot afford to pay for their own drinks?”

Later on, I went home alone.   After watching “All My Children,” I spoke to Sophia on the phone. Thankfully, she already knows I’m a nudge.

nudge (for goyim) [From Yiddish nudyen, to pester, bore, from Polish nudzi.]

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Citizen of the Month World Tour

Panties Gag Found Dead in Los Angeles!

September 5, 2006 / / 35 Comments

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Attention:  If you are a first time visitor or are coming to this site because you heard “good things” about Citizen of the Month, please ignore this post and read the previous one.  This post is what we call in the blogging biz as “filler” for when we’d rather be doing something other than blogging, but feel obligated to put something up, just to keep the readership amused, so that the masses will be more accepting when I start selling “discount ink-jet cartridges”on the right margin of the blog.  But feel free to skip this post completely because it is so “in-groupie” — as Sophia called it — that it’s worse than Gawker’s policy of making you apply to comment.

Dateline, Los Angeles.

Neil’s Panties Gag (8/06 – 9/06) was found dead today, hanging in an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles. Foul play is suspected, but LAPD Commanding Officer Beverly Melrose has told the Associated Press that “The investigation is ongoing. There are currently no suspects.”

The blogosphere is abuzz with sad memories of the once vibrant gag.

Blogger Elle spoke fondly of the gag, “I loved that Women’s Underwear Gag. Even though Neil only wore the panties once, he was able to stretch the joke out for three whole weeks!”

Sarcomical, one of the participants in Blogger Appreciation Day, agreed. “I thought that gag was going to just be a one shot deal. But Neil kept on using it over and over again. I think there was even more humor in it. I guess we’re never going to find out now.”

The Viscountess of Funk found it hard to hold back her tears: “That Woman’s Panties Gag… it died so young!”

Not everyone on the blogosphere was a fan of the gag.

“Frankly, good riddance to that stupid gag,” said Neil’s Penis. “This blog is supposed to be all about “Neil and his talking Penis,” not about “Neil wearing women’s panties.”

When asked if he had any stories about his former co-worker, Neil’s Penis just shook his head and laughed.

“A hack. A one hit wonder. Gags about men wearing women’s panties get old real fast. But a talking penis can last a lifetime. Frankly, I’m glad that loser is out of the picture!” he said as he cleaned out some extra rope and duct tape from the trunk of Sophia’s Prius.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Neilochka the Cool (last year I was so much cooler!)

Been There, Done That

September 4, 2006 / / 48 Comments

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I recently went with Danny and his wife, Kendall, to a Academy screening of Bob Fosse’s “Cabaret.”  It is a great film and would have won the Oscar in the 1972 if a little film titled “The Godfather” didn’t win instead.

My favorite scene takes place in a German beer garden.  An Aryan boy in his Hitler Youth outfit stands up and sings “Tomorrow Belongs to Me,” a beautiful nationalistic song about the Fatherland. One by one, all of the customers get up and chant along, mesmerized by the boy’s voice and the Nazi vision.  The only one who remains sitting is an old man.  He is shaking his head.  He’s old enough to have seen this shit before.  He knows better. 

Do people really get wiser with age?  Who knows.  I have some really dumb older relatives.  But I think you do gain experience as you age.  I’m surprised that our culture doesn’t draw more on the experience of those who have “been there, done that.”  We might think that an older person — someone over 65 — is “out of it” because they don’t use a Tivo.  But the last generation has adapted to changes in society and technology that are more dramatic than anything we have seen.   We’ve watched a 56k modem evolve into an iPod.  But they’ve seen a 56′ Ford become a space shuttle.  And isn’t the latest rock star really a different packaging of the last rock star who was a different packaging of Elvis, who was a different packaging of Frank Sinatra?

Lately, I’ve been feeling “older.”  When I say that, I don’t necessarily mean in body or spirit, but more in my interests in life.  When I started this blog, I was going to write about “pop culture.”  I still love movies, TV, and music, but recently, less so.  Lindsay Lohan – should I really care about her life?   After all, I’m not a 15 year old girl.   I’m not even a gay editor of a gossip blog that caters to 15 year old girls.   I skipped the Emmys this year.  And the MTV Video Music Awards.  And you certainly didn’t see me waiting in line for the first night’s showing of “Snakes on a Plane.” 

I know for many of you, admitting this lack of interest of popular culture is the greatest sin possible.  I know how essential it is to be on top of everything.   To be a hipster.  To be in the know.   To be seen at the right places.  To know the cool bands.   I’ve been there.   And now Neilochka is saying he doesn’t even care about “Snakes on a Plane” — a movie with Samuel L. Jackson of all people!  How DORKY is this guy?  Does all he do is IM single women and read blogs?

Which brings me to my next topic of conversation — the website Gawker, the hip New York media blog.

If I don’t stand in line for the opening of a movie, or a nightclub, I’m certainly not going to stand in line to write a comment on a website.  Did you see the rigmarole you have to go through to comment there?  My friend told me about an interesting article today on Gawker.  But when I went to comment, I saw this:

If you’d like an invitation to become a Gawker commenter, you can apply by leaving a comment. Try to make your first one particularly witty. The comment will only appear once (or if) you’re put on the list.

1. Who can leave comments on Gawker?

Anyone who has been invited, either by us or by a friend. The invite system works like Gmail’s invite system. We’ve invited a bunch of our favorite media mavens, bloggers, and frequent tipsters to comment, then given them invitations to share with their friends and colleagues. That way, the burden of inclusion, and exclusion, is shared.

2. Why are comments by invitation only?

Most online communities, like hip bars, are quickly overrun. Not that we’ll be any exception. But we’re going to try to put off that moment for as long as possible.

3. How can I become a commenter?

A) Find a friend with an invitation to share. Many of the people who we’ve invited to comment have also received invitations to share with friends. We’ll continue to seed selected inboxes with invitations to share so the supply doesn’t die out.

B) Tip us. We’ve invited some of our most frequent tipsters to comment, as a thanks for all the help they’ve given us. If you’re looking to comment, raise your chances by sending useful tips to us.

C) Convince us. If you’re lurking inside a major media company, with dirt to dish, we might be interested in having you as a commenter. For instance, we’ll send an invite to anyone with a condenast.com or nytimes.com email address who asks for one.

D) Blog. If you’re a blogger, you’ve got a stake in what you’re saying. Many Gawker comments invitations have gone out to fellow bloggers whose work we admire.

Jesus.  It’s like I have to learn to juggle just to write some dumb comment.  I’m surprised that they didn’t want me to bring them the head of Medusa.

Now in the past, this type of thing would make me upset.  I would be desperate to be included with the cool folk or bitter that I was such a loser.  I would feel insecure that I am not good enough (which is the point) and probably one of the reasons thousands of need-to-be-connected bloggers link to this commercial site.  

But, instead, I just shrugged.  I was too lazy to write a witty comment.   I had a good comment, but I wasn’t sure how witty it really was.  Besides, from my own experiences in real life — the people at these type of parties are never too exciting.  So, that’s it.  No huffing and puffing.  If Gawker wants my comment, they know where to find me.  I can always get my gossip at Entertainment Tonight.

I had a similar “shrug it off” experience at Saturday’s Los Angeles Blogger’s Garage Sale.  I stopped by and it was great seeing Carly and Communicatrix.  And the rumor was true.  Half of the participants were drag queens.  As I was leaving, I encountered two guys who were friends of friends.  One guy had on heels and the other was carrying colored wigs. I made some passing comment about the cool wigs, but they ignored me and started acting very “draq queenish.”   I figured they were trying to shock me.  I was wearing khaki pants and a button down Oxford shirt, despite the 100 degree weather (I need to do a laundry again!), so I must have looked like John Cheever walking into the wrong suburban cocktail party.  These guys perceived me as the white-bread Redondo Beach guy and they were going to do a little extra prancing to shock me and make me feel as uncomfortable as they would be in a redneck bar.   

Now, in the past, this might have bothered me.  What if these with-it guys actually thought I am a  — my god — a Republican — in this preppy Ivy League dress shirt?  I would have desperately felt the urge to tell these guys that I am as “hip” as they are.  That I’m OK with their outlandish lifestyle.  That it isn’t shocking to me to see men wearing women’s clothes.  In fact, I would have told them to run home and do a search on Google for the #1 link to “Husbands who wear women’s panties” — Yes, I’ve seen it all, done it all. 

But, it wasn’t worth my time.  I didn’t need to prove to them that I am a hipster or trendy — or anything.  I really didn’t care what they thought.  And that was a good feeling. 

And that made me feel “older.”  Or maybe, more “mature” is a better way of saying that.

Before I headed off, one of the drag queens dropped a wig, and bent down to pick it up.  I caught a glimpse of the back of his underwear.  They were Fruit of the Loom tighty-whiteys.

“Faker,” I mumbled to myself, as I headed down Melrose Blvd.

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:   When I Grow Up to Be a Man

 

While Sophia Was Away

September 1, 2006 / / 48 Comments

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from Lane Bryant online site

If there’s one question everyone seems to ask me via email lately it’s, “Neilochka, you’re known throughout the blogosphere as a man of strong desires. How in the world are you managing without a woman around?”

The truth is, it’s been extremely difficult. Sure, I’ve flirted with one or two female bloggers in their blog comments, but its all been high school stuff. You know — “Oh, you look so hot in that photo with your kids and your pet hamster!”

Last night, I decided it was time to take things up a notch. I decided to IM with the unattached “BlogGirl X,” hoping for some online action. I wasn’t entirely sure how to initiation the “good times,” but I figured I’d play it by ear.

“Hi there!” I IMed her on Yahoo! Messenger, adding an emoticon that winked. I figured I’d let the emoticons be my “wing-men” in helping me achieve my goal.

“Hey, Neilochka” she replied, “What’s up?!”

“Hee hee,” I thought.

I started my dance of seduction. We spoke about blogging. About her job. About her recent fight with her mother over some sort of vacation plans to Florida. About her recent eye infection from swimming in a neighbor’s pool.

I began scratching my head, wondering if I was approaching this incorrectly. If I wanted to talk about this boring crap, I could have just called up Sophia. Where was the hot action?”

Now I know what you are thinking. What ABOUT Sophia? Isn’t Neil still “married?” Isn’t it a little sleazy of him to be hitting on women online while still being a married man?

I understand where you are coming from. I’ve seen these type of assholes on TV shows like “Grey’s Anatomy.” They may be sexy as hell, but they are basically love-em-and-leave-em jerks, jumping from one extra-marital conquest to the next.

But that is not me. I have two excellent excuses for flirting with “BlogGirl X” last night.

Excuse #1 —

I tried to flirt with Sophia FIRST. Granted there is a three hour time difference between LA and NY — and it was 2AM in New York. But if someone woke me up in the middle of the night wanting some sex talk, I would be overjoyed! And also – once we started talking, the conversation quickly went off-course, Sophia seemed more interested in discussing “what checks came in the mail” than watching me on my new “webcam.”

Excuse # 2 —

Before Sophia left for New York, I explicitly asked her if it was OK for me to “fool around” with other women while she was gone. She answered, “Only if you actually learn something.”

So, I take that as a “yes.”

So, back to BlogGirl X. We are online for fifteen minutes and it is time to get explicit.

Neil:  “So, where are you now?”

BlogGirl X:  “In bed.”

Good. Good.

Neil:  “So, what are you wearing?”

BlogGirl X:  “A bra and matching panties.”

Bing!

Neil:  “Oh, really? What color?”

BlogGirl X:  “Burgundy”

Neil:  “Huh. It’s hard to visualize. Do you have any photos?”

BlogGirl X:  “Hold on…”

Holy shit! It’s actually working! She’s playing along!

BlogGirl X:  “… I bought the bra and panties online. Let me show you the URL…”

She sends me to LaneBryant.com.

This is not exactly what I hoped for.

But still, it is a photo of a curvy woman in a bra and panties. Good enough for me right now.

Neil:  “Nice. That wouldn’t be YOU in the photo, would it?”

BlogGirl X:  “No, silly. I’m not a model. I’m an advertising account executive.”

Sigh.

Neil:  “But you do look something like her, right?… I’m assuming…”

BlogGirl X:  “Sort of. Except I’m a 38D.”

Neil:  “Yes. Hey, that’s what Sophia is, too!”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, really?

Neil:  “Yes!”

BlogGirl X:  “Cool.  She should buy this bra. It’s the most comfortable one I’ve ever worn. At Lane Bryant.”

Neil:  “I’ve been to Lane Bryant with Sophia. She doesn’t like their clothes.”

BlogGirl X:  “Neither do I. But they have the best bras for buxom women. Just tell her to take the padding out. We certainly don’t need it.”

Neil:  “Right…right…”

I bit my tongue. Something is going wrong here. Too much talk about Sophia. Stay focused, the eye on the prize…

Neil:  “Oh yeah, so, I guess you wouldn’t need the padding… since you are a 38D…”

BlogGirl X:  “Yeah. I also find the padding irritates my nipples. I have very sensitive nipples.”

Neil:  “You do…?”

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, my nipples always give me a problem. Even during sex. It’s like — don’t touch me there right now!”

Neil:  “Huh. So, like, uh, when you’re having sex, I would think most women like, uh…

BlogGirl X:  “Oh, they’re just very sensitive when I’m very sexually aroused. Otherwise, I love when a man plays with my nipples… Oh, check out this bra on the site! I love this one, too. I just bought it and it looks so good with my new black dress.”

She sends me another URL from Lane Bryant, showing another woman in a bra, but I’m feeling a little too dizzy to look at it.

BlogGirl X:  “I could be like a saleswoman for these bras I love them so much. You have to tell Sophia about them.”

Neil:  “Uh…I will.”

BlogGirl X:  “You promise? Because men always forget these things.”

Neil:  “No, I will…so, let’s get back… you were saying, when you get very aroused, your…”

BlogGirl X:  “You want me to send her off an email with the link to Lane Bryant…”

Neil:  “No…no… I’ll do it…”

BlogGirl X:  “Great. Let me go now. I think I’ll undress, take a shower, then relax with my vibrator. I need an orgasm! I had such a long day at work today!”

Neil:  “Uh…OK…”

BlogGirl X:  “Bye, Neilochka. Can’t wait to read your next post! You’re always so funny!”

Neil:  “Bye.”

She ended the conversation with an emoticon that winked.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Questions on my Mind

The Mommyblogger Strikes Back

September 1, 2006 / / 23 Comments

baby21.jpg

My mommyblogger parody was pretty funny a few days ago, wasn’t it? Sure put those mommybloggers in their place! I’m one funny guy.

OK, maybe not as funny as Dave at Blogography. He is terrific. And his illustrations are amazing. If you haven’t been to his blog, you need to check it out. I’m even wearing one of his cool t-shirts. So, I’m not surprised that his blog was ranked as the #1 humor blog by BlogLaughs, one of the best websites that reviews humor sites.

Hey, I’m in for a good laugh today. Since I already read Dave, let’s see who is at #2?

laughs1.jpg

Hmmm. Some blog named Dooce. Dooce?! What?! The #2 funniest site on the blogosphere is the mommyblogger Dooce?!

Jesus Christ! Is there anything this woman can’t do? I thought I was joking about her running the internet! How much money IS she getting through advertising?

If she wins the Presidential Medal of Honor this year, I’m quitting blogging.

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Creativity in Business

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