Hello, I’m Neil’s Penis. Today I’ll be guest-blogging on “Citizen of the Month” because Neil is in the corner crying like a little wimp over Sophia. I have no idea why God punished me by attaching me to such a girly-man.
Now I know that Neil likes to be all cutesy on his blog, but I’m NOT Neil. I’m here to rant. And if there is one thing that gets my goat it’s all these so-called “experts” online giving dating advice. I especially hate it when they give advice to men because it is always bull***t written either by a gay dude, a clueless single guy who wouldn’t know what to do with his c**k if he had a chance, or some bitter broad who can’t find a man as good as her daddy. If anyone should give dating advice to men, you know who it should be? — ME! Is there anyone out there who knows as much about women as me? Neil might be a hopeless dummy, but I realize that with one snap of my finger, I can have half of Neilochka’s blogroll in bed catering to me. Because I know what makes a woman tick.
Now, I’ve seen some dumb sites in my time, but nothing is as idiotic as AskMen.com. Who the f**k are these “men” that are writing this crap — some New York pussywhipped eunuchs who rush down to Zabar’s every time their girlfriend wants some organic goat cheese?
In this lame article, AskMen’s “relationship correspondent” decides to help single men with the Top 10 “Secret Dating Rules.”
So, men, grab a manly leather chair. Listen to the s**t this moron says, and then hear what a real expert — ME! — has to say. Take my advice and I guarantee that you will be f***ing like a pro in no time!
Here is the introduction to this AskMen idiocy:
AskMen: “For as long as there have been men and women, there have been dating and dating rituals. Being the sly hunters we are, men have built up a reservoir of knowledge and cunning over the millennia on how to successfully woo the ladies over the first few weeks of a courtship.
There are many fish in the sea, and there are many baiting procedures you can use to reel them in. And though many women may be aware of some of our strategies, they surely don’t know of all of them. Let’s keep it that way, gentlemen. Keep these timeless secret dating tips under your hat and enjoy the learning process.”
Neil’s Penis: “Am I right about this writer being an asshole? I mean — do we even have to go any further?”
Dating “Rule” #10 — Wait three days before calling back
AskMen: “The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn’t think you’re desperate to see her. And it’s become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it…”
Neil’s Penis: “Utter nonsense. Of course this is the “Golden Rule.” She knows it is the stupid rule. Everyone who has ever seen a movie knows it is THE rule. So, are you gonna follow the rule? Of course not! Not if you want to get the pick of the litter babes. If you wait three days, you are telling the woman that you are nothing more than middle manager material who follows the rules and that the best you can do in the bedroom is the missionary position for four minutes flat. Did Alexander the Great follow the rules? Did Napoleon? Napoleon was a short little nudnik, but he got to f**k the hot Josephine every night — because he didn’t follow the rules. I say — call her up ten minutes after you get home. Then call her again an hour later. Show her that YOU follow your OWN rules, and she’ll be doing the Kama Sutra with you in no time.”
Dating “Rule” #9 — Take her where everyone knows your name
AskMen: “Another way to impress your new woman early in the game is to go somewhere where you already have a great reputation. By taking her to one of your usual haunts, you’ll get to showcase your smooth self in action among your vast circle of acquaintances…”
Neil’s Penis: WTF?! Is this guy kidding? You’re a single guy. What establishment knows your damn name? It certainly ain’t Cheers. It IS the strip joint. The Thai massage parlor. The sleazy dive where you once felt up that bartender’s mother in the men’s room. Is this where you WANT to bring your date? I say go to a place where no one has ever seen your face and — if the date doesn’t work out — will never see you again.
Dating “Rule” #8 — Resist sleeping with her early on
AskMen: “Aside from the fact that withholding yourself will keep her wanting you more, adhering to this rule also shows her that you’re a man who isn’t ruled by his loins…”
Neil’s Penis: “Now I’m sure this was written by some guy who has never been laid. This “expert” doesn’t know s**t about women. No woman spends two hours getting all dolled up and wearing the most uncomfortable goddamn high heels in the world, just for some mediocre dinner at the Outback Steakhouse. She wants to get laid as bad as you do! Why do you think she is wearing that new sexy underwear? She’s hoping you will actually see it while taking it off her! This dating “rule” is so stupid — and so insulting to women, that I’d like to shove a RULER up this writer’s loins.”
Dating “Rule” #7 — Limit your spending
AskMen: “One of the best ways to know if she’s a keeper is to find out how much money she expects you to spend on her. On early dates, take her to places where you don’t have to spend much, such as a coffee shop, lounge or boardwalk…”
Neil’s Penis: “Ha Ha Ha, now I’m wondering if Neilochka is writing this crap himself. Yeah, women just LOVE going on a date with Neil at Chicago for Ribs using a 2-1 coupon. What a cheapskate he is! But oh my, what if a guy actually spends money! I can see the scenario now as some girl comes back from her date and tells her roommates how it went: “Well, he’s nice enough, but he’s such a big spender! We took a private jet to Paris and we danced all night at this exclusive nightclub. I just don’t know if I want to go on a second date with a man who doesn’t “limit his spending.” This rule makes me want to puke.”
Dating “Rule” #6 — Screen her first few calls
AskMen: “While the 10th rule prevents you from appearing too needy, this one allows you to gauge whether she’s desperate…”
Neil’s Penis: “Huh? Am I reading this “rule” wrong? Desperate? Desperate is GOOD! This is the type of woman who is insatiable in bed — and then makes you French toast in the morning. I don’t see the problem, do you?”
Dating “Rule” #5 — Don’t offer her gifts early on
AskMen: “Very rarely are you going to recognize a woman as the love of your life within the first few months of dating her… So don’t get all goofy and start showering her with expensive gifts…”
Neil’s Penis: “More bulls**t! Let’s go back to the woman from our example. Now she’s come back from a date with a new guy, after dumping the big spender. She’s sullen. She wants to give up on dating completely. She drowns herself in chocolate ice cream as she tells a roommate about her miserable date, “Look, he bought me a diamond necklace! When am I ever going to meet a man who’s Mr. Right?” This writer should be banned from every writing another word.”
Dating “Rule” #4 — Be mysterious… but not weird
AskMen: “Remember not to volunteer any information about past relationships, your family or your job right away. Your woman will keep you guessing about her, so you need to do the same in return. Maintaining some intrigue keeps the spice in dating.”
Neil’s Penis: “This might have been true — in 1890! Today, anyone can find out the size of your c**k by searching for it on Google! There’s no more secrets. If anything, today is the day of promotion, marketing, advertising. You WANT to have a video on YouTube of you screwing the entire women’s volleyball team. In fact, rather than keeping secrets on the first date, I suggest you hand over a document listing every woman you ever shagged. Even better, try to get testimonials of how good you were in bed. It is asinine to keep a woman guessing. It’s like a job interview. She’ll just move on to the next candidate. Get in there, tell her what you can do for her, and start f***ing her already before she gives the job to someone else!”
Dating “Rule” #3 — Don’t flatter her too much
AskMen: “While it’s true that you will have to do some flattering in your initial flirtations, keep it toned down. The worst thing you can do is lay on the compliments too thick at the beginning.”
Neil’s Penis: “I hate emoticons, but you know the one where he’s rolling his eyes. Because that’s what I’m doing. Rolling my F***ING EYES! I’m not even going to spend time rebutting this one. Just take it from me, the FASTEST WAY, and I mean Freeway-fast-with-no-traffic fast, to get into a woman’s pants is to tell her how beautiful her eyes are. Case f***ing closed!”
Dating “Rule” #2 — Don’t meet her friends ‑- yet
AskMen: “Finding the time to date a new girl is always a challenge, so don’t make things more difficult for yourself by agreeing to meet her friends, as well… So keep her friends out of the picture until you feel confident that the relationship is actually heading somewhere…”
Neil’s Penis: “Don’t meet her friends yet? Why not? This is a pussy-boy’s approach. It is to your ADVANTAGE to check out her friends. Maybe there’s someone even hotter than she is? And think of the future. Chances are it’s not going to work out with this woman. It’s reality, dude. And the minute you go bust, so does the mind-blowing sex every Saturday night. But remember the Boy Scouts motto? Be prepared. Be prepared by planting the seeds with one of her friends beforehand, so if things go bad, you don’t even have to miss one weekend of f***ing. You can just slide another woman right into the slot. You see — the Boy Scouts weren’t so gay after all. There was wisdom there!”
Dating “Rule” #1 — Don’t let her meet your friends ‑- yet
AskMen: “It’s a two-way street, and it’s always best to keep your new woman away from your good buddies at the start, too. She may not be prepared for their sense of humor, or they may reveal things about you that you’d rather keep her in the dark about…”
Neil’s Penis: “Yawn. Amateur Hour. Women are women for a reason. They actually like when you SHOW THEM OFF to your friends. They light up like a the Las Vegas Strip when you ask your friends, “Isn’t my new girlfriend hot?! What do you think of her tits, man?!” And showing off your women does wonders for your career. In fact, many companies ONLY promote men with hot girlfriends or wives. That’s why it is important for you to take her out meeting people as soon as possible. Sure, it’s nice having her home in the bedroom. But every once in a while, you need to lift your nose up from between her thighs, look into her eyes, and say, “Hey, baby, let’s go take a drive so I can show you off to my friends and business associates.” She’ll melt in your arms.”
It’s the weekend, men. So, you know what that means. Get out there and start doing what comes naturally! We’ll compare notes on Monday in the locker room. And I suppose Neilochka will be back next time with his weepy Sophia s**t.
Neil’s Penis — Out!
If only I’d been able to read this before I got married.
You should be editor of Maxim, Esquire, FHM, or any number of other men’s magazines.
I absolutely second Allan’s comment. But if Neil’s penis got a real job, then he would no longer have any time to blog.
I’m e-mailing Neil’s Penis and giving him my phone number right now. I just hope I don’t have to go out with the rest of Neil, too.
So…wait a minute, Neil. Your penis is blogging while you are over in some corner? Exactly how “far” is said corner? Either way, consider me impressed!
Wow, Jessica makes an excellent point. I’m fascinated: giant talking penis and a wise ass.
Well I guess if it’s our-sex-organs-blogging-day: this is Deborah’s Vagina telling Neil’s Penis, nice f**cking reality check on the rules!
I am going to take the liberty of speaking for all the ladies and say *swoon*.
I think I just became a lesbian.
A question for Neil: Does it bother you that your penis is actually pretty damn smart? Did you have to train it to be this way?
The idea of Neil’s penis rolling his F**KING EYES made me snort just a little bit… Hysterical, Neil.
I can tell you’re gonna go all the way to the top with that one, Mr. P.
I totally agree, Penis. You are very smart, a little nerdy and factual. And, by the way, you couldn’t be attached to a better guy. I’m not sucking up (heh), I’m just sayin’.
Hey Penis, isn’t Neilochka’s blogroll comprised of about 75% male? So, even at a high-end estimate, that “50% of his blogroll” that is catering to him in bed would be half male. You sure you want that?
Oh, Penis! I agree with you on a lot of points! The whole “friend” thing bugs me though. If I’m interested in someone, I’m going to introduce him to my friends early on, because if he can’t get along with them, something’s wrong. They’ve been with me for a whole lot longer than he has! And if he doesn’t introduce me to his friends at all? Well then I’ll probably assume that he lives in his mom’s basement.
Wow. Just wow. Neil’s penis is the kind of guy that I say I don’t want, but I end up making out with in the back booth at a bar.
Heather B – don’t you know that all penes have a brain of their own? Neil’s penis has an exceptional high IQ!
Hey NP,
You should start your own site…
“…you are telling the woman that you are nothing more than middle manager material who follows the rules and that the best you can do in the bedroom is the missionary position for four minutes flat.”
Yup.
“I just don’t know if I want to go on a second date with a man who doesn’t “limit his spending.”
Yup.
Although introducing us to your friends early on is likely a bad idea. It’s a very clear insight into you and we might not want to look so deeply just yet.
wow, i have never heard such rockin lingo from an oversexed stalker. cool! call her loads, shower her with jewelry early on! yet, forgoe the coffee joints and go straight to Koi..could almost give your P a chance
Not sure if the rules have changed since I was in the dating market a while back, but here’s my take on “the rules.”
#10 I agree with NP.
#9 Agree with NP.
#8 NP’s right on.
#7 Right again, NP.
#6 If I ever find out some guy is screening my call and deliberately not talking to me it’s over. Actually, it’s over before that, because he’s usually the one who calls and if I ever have to call him (other than to ask him to do something for me) to see if he was still interested or whatever then I move on.
#5 I don’t like gifts unless it’s chocolate or roses. You know. Perishable stuff. If it’s something that will last it would potentially have some sort of sentimental value later and well, I’d rather not get ’em.
#4 Right on, NP.
#3 Right again.
#2 I don’t have any friends (close by) to introduce anyone to.
#1 NP, see your answer for #2.
Friday Penisblogging.
Maybe I’ll try it.
Neil’s Penis is a great blogger. It should have it’s own blog, “Neil’s Penis Speaks,” or, “Ejaculating Wisdom, With Neil Kramer’s Penis.”
PS, a penis can only roll one eye, and even that would be a feat.
I knevr thought I was give another man’s penis a standing Ovation. Huurah, huzzah.
This line
“New York pussywhipped eunuchs who rush down to Zabar’s every time their girlfriend wants some organic goat cheese?”
Mad eme crack up. I live 4 blocks from Zabar’s and have been there done that.
LOL
Hey, when are you going to let your ass do a post? Gotta be equal opportunity here!
“What do you think of her tits, man?” almost cost you a keyboard.
I’d show my wife this blogposting so she could learn something about what it’s like to be a guy, or at least to be a penis. Only I’m too much of a wuss.
This has shades of Woody Allen and the movie Hitch (the one where Will Smith is teaching Kevin James to be cool).
I say JUST BE YOURSELF.
HaHA. #9 is hilarious, and #4–“It’s asinine to keep a woman waiting. It’s like a job interview” is absolutely the truth.
You’ve got a pretty witty willy there, Neil…
Colleen — Just be Yourself?! Ha!  Have you met Neil?
askmen is a 13year guys old bible and you (NP) are the antichrist.
Of course, the URL doesn’t work and I’m sure the email he/she left was fake as well. Defensivetwat? More like Offensivepussy.
shouldn’t neil’s penis be rolling only one eye? i thought…oh never mind.
I have never understood dating rules. To me it all seems like so much game playing and way too much trouble. I agree with Neil’s penis (that is so fun to say) on many points.
I’m surprised that he would want a woman to meet his friends, though. Wouldn’t he assume that they’d make a play for her just as he would for their girlfriends? Or maybe Neil’s penis isn’t afraid of a little competition…
Heather — no his URL works. Are you sure he was being insulting? Just to show you how naive I am, I thought he was insulting askMen and complimenting me. Like you are the antichrist — meaning “one wicked dude.”
And Tara — I think my Penis would say that if she’s going to sleep with one of my male friends, better she do it now before I spent all that money on her.
I think the title of this post should be “Neil’s Penis’s Dating Rules for Men.” Rule #1 in Strunk and White’s Elements of Style states: “Form the possessive singular of nouns by adding ‘s. Follow this rule whatever the final consonant.”
Oh, and the post was hilarious.
Rabbit — Damn, I had the feeling that was the case. It just looked wrong.  Are you sure there isn’t an exception with the final consonant being an “s” Sophia, help! If someone else writes in and says Rabbit is right, I will change it! Thanks.
I really need to start letting my vagina write posts.
Pants — So, who has been writing your posts?
Sad when a cock knows more than a bunch of them who write for men’s mags.
Pearl: “Penis, you will now be awarded and pinned with the Medal of Bravery — for all you say and do.”
Penis: “OUCH!”
Wow, Neil. Apparently I’m dating your penis. And, wonder of wonders, using your rules worked for him.
Ha. It must’ve been my computer because now the URL works. And OF COURSE, I get the whole bible/anti christ thing now.
I HAVE to stop commenting when I’m wasted. And I’m not even close to kidding.
Heather – I hope that is what he meant.
Any copy editors out there? If I were writing this for the New York Times would it be “Neil’s Penis’s Dating Rules for Men†rather than “Neil’s Penis’ Dating Rules for Men?â€
Oh God, those RULES!!! I’m so glad I don’t date any more. To think there is some establishment out there trying to enforce the idiotic behavior that makes women neurotic. How funny is it that a penis has more common sense than a person?
Neil’s Penis’s…
Dear Neil’s Penis, Even though your owner (?) didn’t like the name of my new shoes, I’d still let YOU in anyday. You’re too smart to keep out, baby! ;-))
Hahahahahaha! Instead of doing my weekly Costco run I decided to read what Neil’s penis had to say about dating.
I have to agree that Neil’s penis is right. Wait three days to call me after a date and I know you’re lame little follower who can’t think for himself.
I’ve stumbled upon the AskMen.com site a few times. I too wonder who writes that crap? Eh, I wonder the same about Cosmo too.
Okay, now it’s time for me to now go shopping. I look forward to more blogs from Neil’s penis…LOL
I said I had a long lost brother! I got tired of Mike listening to the experts when it came to women so I slapped Mike in the face. I then proceeded to slap Mike’s date in the face and she liked it. Mike became “the man” after that. We’re both happy now. Sincerley, Mike’s Penis.
NP rocks. He can go out for drinks with me anytime. Just remember to bring the wallet — because I don’t like to pay for stuff. Yeah, I call myself a feminist but I was raised by Southerners.
NHH & Neil. well first of all i’m a “her” not a “him” and yes, i was attempting to insult askmen and tell NP he was rad.
Ew. I am so grossed out by the rules. Why can’t people just be themselves and do what they want to do? Neil’s Penis is pretty awesome and I really great image at the keyboard, angrily typing away.
Defensivetwat — Now that I read your site, I realize you re a “she,” although NP kept on saying so, having a “sixth sense” about these things. Thanks for your “rad” comment. In Redondo Beach that is the ultimate compliment.
Expat — Yes, I’ve read Cosmo’s advice. A sure way for a woman to get cheap sex and then dumped at the altar.
Fringes — Neil’s Penis’s… — shit! Do you now how hard it is to change your “permalink?”
Mogul — You sure you don’t have your hands full with one baby? (I just re-read that and it sounds like I just called your husband a “baby.” I was going to delete it, but then realized that most of us men ARE babies, so I decided to just leave the comment and you can read it whatever way you want).
Lynn — He is a much better typist them me. I hopes of him growing up one day to be a stenographer and paying the bills while I stayed home and blogged.
HI Neil’s Penis, This is Mogul’s Vagina. Can you call up Mr. Mogul’s Penis and ask him to visit me?
Um…I’m kinda glad I’m not on your blogroll???…no girl likes to be a given..NP. all in all NP I say let Neil do the thinking…you seem more the action type. After all, most girls like YOUR TYPE NP , Big and Stupid.
NP might be a good typist, but he’s a slow one, employing the “hunt and pecker” method.
I 100% echo your sentiments regarding those douchebags who offer piss-poor dating advice to other hapless males in public forums. They not only give really bad advice to men, but they are also exposing the secrets of our non-commital ways to previously clueless women. I, however, am planning on levelling the playing field with my upcoming expose into the female psyche “Her Cootch Is Just Not That Into You”.
Neil, your penis makes a lot of sense. I’m rather disturbed about how much sense in fact. My vagina is off to ponder this.
Hi Neil’s penis, will you come out on a date with me? I like the way you think! (Leave Neil behind)
Please, what kind of real penis censors himself from “fucking”? Or calls himself a “c-asterisk-asterisk-k”?!?
I smell an imposter!
Neil, stop trying to imitate your penis. I demand you show us where you’ve been keeping him captive, and free him immediately!
with over 60 comments most of what i’ve thought has been said.
sarah, i totally agree.
think frustrated, “Ejaculating Wisdom, With Neil
Kramer’s Penis.†LOL…how about “spurts of genius”?
re: Neil’ Penis’ .. maybe neil has more than one johnson. talk about a party in your pants.
miss syl, i agree about the penile censoring itself, but just what are you smelling??
They light up like a the Las Vegas Strip when you ask your friends, “Isn’t my new girlfriend hot?! What do you think of her tits, man?!â€
Neil’s penis, come closer, there’s a part of my body I want you to meet. It’s dying to connect with you. Can you guess which part it is? It’s under my skirt. Neil’s penis, I want you to meet… my KNEE.
You are as tiny as your owner’s brain.
Hey, OMG, I never understood why a man should be insulted by being called “tiny.” Look at Tiny Tim — he was a big success back on the old Ed Sullivan Show.
i’m sorry neil, i was attracted to you before but your penis seems to be the one who can really have fun…
i’m in love with his witty attitude already!
And to think that today I blogged about scary meat. Oy vey.
Brilliant!
This science is called penischology!
100% with Neil’s Peepee.
Fitèna
I just went out with a guy who made me pay for the second round of drinks. Guess who’s masturbating alone tonight? He was creepy of course in other ways. I gotta say, I’m not into the gifts either. Everything else you are 85% right in my book. Mazel Tov!
I have a first date tonight, and I’m damn sure he needs to read Neil’s Penis’s Ponderings beforehand!
Signed,
*Not too* desperate for sex, goodies and hot sex,
I was a middle school teacher. The correct form is Neil’s Penis’ No extra S.
All the best comments have already been said…but I just had to add how impressed I am, not with a typing penis, but a thinking one…I didn’t realize they could do that.
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