Last night, the witty Rebecca of Writing Blind, wrote this comment on my blog, in response to me saying that there was HBO at Sophia’s home:
What about Cinemax? They have all those softcore porn movies on at 2 AM. Or so I’ve heard.
Suddenly, I started worrying about my reputation. Do other bloggers think that I’m the type to sit and watch Cinemax all night rather than read the latest New Yorker? You must all think I’m a crazed sex maniac! A pervert! Drooling all over myself at just the mere sight of a woman’s cleavage!
I guess I can understand why you would think that. Even my own mother has told me to stop using words like c**k and p***y on my blog (I write it with *** NOT to protect your delicate disposition, but because I got blocked from some offices the last time I used those words. It’s all about the Blog).
The truth is, I’m not much into pornography. This may surprise you that, considering that I recently asked for photos of bare-breasted bloggers, but I never thought of that request as asking for pornography. I saw it more akin to borrowing some sugar from a neighbor (and so far, only Madeleine sent me anything of value — a photo of a dog!).
Sure, I’ve looked at naked women online and I read Melissa’s famous Smut of the Month, but most pornography is pretty dull. Yesterday, Donald Pittenger at 2 Blowhards wrote an interesting post asking why sexy women in magazines always “look so stupid.” I agree. I remember once finding some site named something like “Hot Naked Babes Wearing Glasses,” and finding it really hot They actually looked like someone I meet meet wandering Barnes and Noble. Call me crazy, but in my fantasy world, my imaginary lover and I actually talk about literature after sex. Or at least we go for some pizza.
I have to admit, that with Sophia away (THREE days now!), I’m getting frustrated. And it’s not really about the sex per se. After all, we are separated and most of the time, we’ve decided that it’s not a good idea to, well, you get the point.
Actually the big frustration is the actual IDEA of the sex, the availability of it, even when it’s not in the cards. I’m like one of those New Yorkers who is proud of having the Metropolitan Opera in his city, even if he only goes there once a year. But if he really really wanted to, he could. It’s comforting to know that if the urge suddenly hits him to see Verdi’s La Traviata, he can just hop on the 1 Train and go see it.
Are you getting this metaphor?
All of a sudden, I wanted to see La Traviata!
In need of some advice, I emailed the wise Charming but Single, who knows all about the ups and downs of “single” life. I asked her what she does when there are no available men around. She said that the perfect substitute is — chocolate ice cream. I’ve heard this mentioned before, but it never made much sense. So, I took my cholesterol pill and downed a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Unfortunately, it didn’t make a dent in how I was feeling. Maybe the ice-cream solution is gender-specific.
I decided it was time to call in the big guns — online pornography. Despite popular belief, if you look carefully enough, you CAN find photos of naked women on the internet.
Who knew?
I found a few “adult sites,” that offered “thumbnail” samples, but to look at the good stuff, you had to pay money.
Lately, I’ve been reading my friend Modigli’s site and she’s been getting all political. She is very concerned about corporate responsibility, energy conservation, and community awareness. It made me think about paying for an adult site.
“If I pay my fifteen dollars to look at some women with big fake boobs, where exactly is my money going?” I asked myself. “What if the site owner is a right-wing Republican? Or worse, an anti-Semite? How do I know that he is paying his models proper wages? Or that his models are even legal residents?”
Here I was torn between two forceful needs: a belief in social justice and a yearning to see photos of a woman spread eagle on a couch.
Luckily, I found a way to combine my two main interests in life —
F**k for Forest.com (NSFW) (via Lynn and Diesirae)
This bizarre “erotic” site is run by a group of environmentalists who want to save the rainforest. They also love to f**k. So for fifteen dollars (which supposedly goes to the rainforest), you can get a password to see attractive people having sex outdoors in the forest. Or as one of the founders of the site puts it:
Welcome, nature lover. My name is Leona. I am one of the founders of FFF. We feel sexuality is beeing [sic?] treated like nature, with disrespect. We wanted to use love & sexuality to fight against this un-natural way of treating our planet. Inside the members area you will see real environmentalists showing you REAL idealism. All to celebrate life and save nature:) Please support our fight!
Of course, I’m no fool. How do I know that my fifteen dollars are really going to the rainforest? I’ve heard horror stories about some of these so-called “charities.”
On the FFF about page, they make mention that only $3 of the $15 is used for administrative purposes, and the rest goes “to nature.” I found this hard to believe, so I decided to investigate a little further.
Going undercover, I flew to Oslo on the red eye last night and went to the FFF offices. I presented myself as both an environmentalist and someone who enjoys f***ing in the forest (I fudged that I was “experienced” on my resume). As I undressed for the audition, I put my plan in action. I excused myself, saying I needed to use the restroom down the hall. Then using all the skills I’ve learned from years of watching MacGyver, Mission Impossible, and Alias, I broke into their main office vault and took a look at their files and financial records. I knew it! Hardly any money went to the rain forest! Here is the final breakdown:
Membership to F**k for Forest: $15
________________________________
Administrative $3
Condoms $1
Bug and Mosquito Spray for the Forest $.75
Scented Candles for Romance (and to keep the bugs away while f***ing) $1
Organic Chocolate and Non-Pesticide-Used Flowers (because even women environmentalists like when a guy does that) $1.50
Trader Joe’s wine $2.50
Amy’s Vegan Frozen Lunches $2
Barry White and Anya CDs for “mood music” $1.25
Videotape for Filming $.50
Videotape For Taping “Do You Think You Can Dance?” back at the office while filming the F***ing $.50
Post Sex Cigarettes $.75
“Thanks A Lot for the Sex in the Forest” Greeting Card $.25
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Never Let them See You Sweat
Maybe they would be able to make more money for the rainforests if they started their own reality TV show called, “So You Think You Can F*** in the Forest”.
Man! You gotta hand it to those Nature Folks. Anyone who can still “do it” after the oddest-of-the-odd mix of Enya and Barry White…my hat’s off to them!
I moved, if you care.
Hmmm…good porn is hard to find. The ones my husband has I’m not into, but the books…the books are different. I like those because I can supply my own fantasy guy into them.
But what about plot you say? Geez, Neil. I’m looking to pleasure myself. If I wanted plot I’d read something real! 😉
Attention: Tanya has moved to a new blog!
Why she wrote it here I don’t know. But you know women. Drama queens. Or Tanya, are you suggesting we take a little trip to the forest together? Or since, you are in NY, Central Park?
Welcome back, Tanya.
Loved the breakdown of expenditures. Time to go exploring.
And I suppose that picture I sent was “nothing of value”.
Humpf.
You’re not?!?! You don’t?!?!
My image of you is ruined forever!
You forgot the tarp to put down over the pine needles. Those suckers are ITCHY!
The men of porn don’t exactly look like brainiacs, either.
Maybe it’s because all people, even the rocket scientists amongst us, look dumb during orgasm?
the great outdoors are great for that very reason!!!
But, but, but, but you’re my FAVORITE dirty little pervert! And now I feel compelled to tell you… when ever my SotM moans “Oh god…” I’m always thinking OOHHHHH NNNEEEIIILLLLLLLL
so, what you’re saying is absence not only makes the heart grown fonder, but the c***k grow harder.
This is getting weird.
Wow. They have Trader Joe’s in Norway now?
Sweet Jesus, if I was a tree in said rainforest, I’d be pretty grossed out right about now. Not that I went and looked at that site or anything. Much.
Those gas masks they’re wearing look like they’d get in the way!
Priceless
My man, you need to delve into the Eastern European gay porn sites. Thick, unshaven, dour-looking men engaged in unenthusiastic couplings with each other. Dull, grainy photographs. Dull, grainy scenery.
It’s hawt!
I like that there’s TJ wine in the rainforest. You are a true NYer at heart Neil, knowing that desire to be able to do whatever you want in NY but not ever really doing it. But you could. Loved this post.
Really, your level of f**king genius has completely f**king ruined me for another.
Regarding wanting sex and not being able to share, the usual suspects employed by females do nothing to allay my frustration: I detest shopping, ice cream and chocolate. Too yin to restore balance for such yang. Henceforth, I think I’ll look to you to provide me with answers to life’s pressing questions. Every one needs a turn on the couch.
What is this elusive “sex” of which you speak???
I’m sorry but 2 buck and 50 cent Chuck doesn’t quite sound the same. And Cherry Garcia always does it for me, but that might have something to do with the 5th of bourbon I wash it down with.
Neil:
You’re such a philanthropist.
ice cream is overrated. you should try kulfi.
Just between us guys, The Hun is one-stop shopping for porn freebies …
And I was begining to think that FFF was something I could get into… but if they spend those donations that unwisely, than maybe I’ll just have to go have sex in a forest without donating to a cause. 😉
I should HOPE you’re not the type to sit and watch late-night Cinemax. Those movies suck ass. (While, ironically, there is absolutely no *actual* sucking ass involved.)
They don’t deserve to carry the title of porn.
hopefully smokey the bear was not watching you get it on. he definitely would NOT approve of those post sex cigarettes in the woods.
See that? My political posts aren’t in vain afterall! They helped you find eco-porn! 🙂
Genius and funny….Thanks for this.
Chocolate Ice Cream defintely helps or any warm cholocate cake with ice cream at Italian restaurant…the only side effect is after that, you want what you originally want even more….
PS, I think you have generated so much traffic to that F for F site that they should wavie your $15….
What I want to know is are the condoms green and Green?
That site was f***ing wierd!
also, I’m related to the guy who played Tarzan…Johnny Weissmuller. My mom says we’re “shirttail” cousins…. whatever that means.
I’ve been looking everywhere for an opportunity to enjoy some forest f**king. Thank you so much for finding and investigating this underrated activity. This may be one of my favorite posts of yours ever.
Mon Dieu! Neil, its a sin to be this funny! Am LMAO!!! You’re good, and this is no flaterring or anything of the sort! You’re really good!
Fitèna