Hey, everybody!
I just want to tell you all that I'm doing great. I really feel good about myself. I'm proud of my accomplishments, I like the way I look, and I take pride in my wonderful qualities. I feel success at my fingertips and I KNOW it will happen for me. Yes, I can have it all — LOVE, PASSION, SUCCESS!
Of course, this morning I was a complete mess. I was miserable. I was depressed over a multitude of things. I was about to throw a few Prozacs into my mouth, but I remembered that the last time I took some, it made me penis feel numb — and that's way too much sacrifice, even for someone when they're depressed.
Then, tonight, Sophia and I ended up going to a seminar about "Success." It's a long story about how we ended up there, so don't ask.
But I do know now that SUCCESS IS GOOD. Everyone respects successful people. We admire them. We like to be around them. All the top blogs are written by confident, successful people. That's because they have VISION.
Think you're a loser? Well, you're right. But you can change things RIGHT NOW by not thinking of yourself as a loser. Think of yourself as a WINNER. If you think positive and BELIEVE in yourself, those things you want for yourself WILL HAPPEN. Do you want a beach house, visualize it! It will come. Be like Jim Carrey when he was an unemployed actor. He wrote a million dollar check out to himself and carried it around as a reminder of what he will BECOME!
So, from now on, I am a changed man. No more blog posts ranting and raving and complaining like a loser. No more mocking of myself in a self-deprecating, weak, sissy-boy manner. If I am going to use humor, it should be at YOUR expense, not my own. After all, I am the confident and successful one. You're the one who deserves to be laughed at. From now on, this is a blog where an employer can come and read it, then say, "Now that is a confident and successful man, one who I want to hire as my vice president of Employee Confidence."
During tonight's success seminar, we were asked to answer these questions:
1) What is one accomplishment you're proud of?
2) What is one physical trait you're proud of?
3) What is one character trait you're proud of?
These questions were not easy for me to answer. Are my eyes really the BEST part of me? Is "nice guy" really an interesting character trait? Are my SAT scores in math my greatest single accomplishment?
For everything I thought about that I was proud of, I countered with something that "brought me down."
"What about something good that I wrote?"
"Oh yeah? What about losing a writing job with "Sesame Street" after writing an inappropriate sketch with Big Bird?"
"I guess I'm proud of being an honest person."
"You're separated from Sophia. Are you proud of that?"
In fact, answering these tough questions made me so nervous —
Hey, wait a minute, why I am I telling you this? Why do I want to tell any of you bloggers out there about my insecurities? Do you ever see Oprah talk about her insecurities? No, successful people push their insecurities aside. That is why they are successful. Others come to them looking to lead THEM out of THEIR insecurities.
So —
I just wanted to say that everything is great with me. I am SUPER HAPPY. I am super SEXY! I am confident in my job search. I see great things for my marriage and love life. I have so much POSITIVE ENERGY, it's practically shooting out of my ears.
Aw, fuck — who am I fooling? I'm going to take a Prozac and go to bed.
Neil's Penis: "Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!"
He sounds like the guy I just heard speak who told us that you have to have VISION but more importanly you have to COMMUNICATE that VISION.
And you’re not alone – I avoid the tough questions for as long as I can because they make me nervous too!
O Gawd, Neil, did you get sucked into one of those self-improvement cults?
Am I going to have to come over with whiskey and clove ciggies to help you remember that you’re an insecure writer who uses humor as protective armor?
Most successful people know how to sniff out the B.S. Or at least I’d hope.
You know, Neil, when your penis is numb, it cannot post.
To quote Oprah: “A man should always listen to his penis. God, I’m fat. I’m going to go buy some skinny.”
I agree with her whole-heartedly, Neil. The most honorable person, in my opinion, is a person hanging from a noose with an unopened bottle of Prozac in their pocket with their miserable suicide note. They lived on their own terms (for a little while).
Hello, Neil.
how could there be a seminar about success? it’s too subjective of a thing to measure… it’s in the eye of the beholder.
i dated a guy who saw himeself as very successful. he works, makes lots of money, can buy whatever he wants whenever he wants (he purchased his dream home outright, no mortage), but he never had time for me or his family. he had no balance in his life because he only measured success by his bank account. when our relationship was unsuccessful in my eyes and i ended things, he was hardly effected because his measure of success was wrapped up in $$$, not personal relationships.
Poor, Penis. What did HE do!?
Whoever heard of a happy successful writer? What would be the point of writing then?
Why can’t we ask how you ended up at the seminar?
Your penis will never forgive you. For shame.
Hi!I’m Tom Vu! You want to be litch like me?! Come! To my seminah!
That guy was the best, with his tv commercials showing his Rolls Royce, and several bikini babes on his yacht in the background. Second only to Tony “Huge Ass Teeth” Robbins in my personal pantheon of great “motivators”.
I worked for a guy who went to one of those “cult” seminars, specifically Landmark Education.
Can I tell you what a freak this guy turned into after “graduating”? He had a whole new vocabulary – everything was “authentic” and “powerful”. Made me want to puke and he just plain scared me. Not to mention his insistence of getting me to “join”.
Be thankful all you have is a little temporary numbness in your pee pee 🙂 Though, don’t tell your penis I said that, ok?
Forget about Penis forgiving you, what about Sophia?!
i love this post because even though it might be in jest, i struggle with the balance of positive self-affirmation in my life and often use self-deprication to mask my insecurities. and oddly enough, my post today is about such a thing.
but really, i am just sad for your penis.
🙂 sizz
I think I definitely need this seminar. Or a numb penis. I’m not sure.
ps, You are a great and entertaining writer.
wow, i am confident, sexy, fun and successful, and i didn’t attend a seminar. i just went out and partied. say no the the director of enthousiastic employment and his secretary the numb penis, and go for some DIY
I don’t think I can stomach the cheery, successful Neil much longer. Your penis and I both want the old you back. heh – that was dirty.
Ummm, what is the name of this cult?
Holy crap, thanks to Sophia's phone call, my self-esteem has taken a major nosedive. It appears that I have already written about a similar subject months ago. What a repetitive loser I am! Even the photo is similar!
ACG — Success not related to money? Hah!
JackT — The mere mention of Tom Vu brought a smile to my face. Unfortunately, he eventually spent some time in jail. I actually have a book by Tony Robbins. People swear by him. Never opened it. I'm not completely making fun of this stuff. I'm sure it is useful to be positive. But then again, what kind of boring blog with this be only positive stuff?
Betty — No man wants a numb penis. But, here's some advice. Let's say your boyfriend is a little "fast" in the bedroom. Put a Prozac in his cranberry juice, and you got him going for the entire episode of "Grey's Anatomy."
Prevention Magazine says: It's well documented that there is a high incidence of sexual side effects from antidepressants — for both women and men. This includes the tricyclic antidepressants, monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), and the newer SSRIs, or selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. In fact, decreased sex drive could be the number one reason people stop taking their antidepressant, says Ron Rosenberg, MD, an OB-GYN and psychiatrist at William Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak, MI.
Success is so overrated. I mean look at someone like John Ritter: He was successful, but then he died.
Same with Jimi Hendrix, the Big Bopper, and that guy from INXS! In fact, most of the really successful ones die sooner or later.
Sugar, we all die in the end, that’s a given. It’s the kicking and screaming you do before that counts,
“In fact, most of the really successful ones die sooner or later.”
I’m gonna stay a loser. I want to increase my chances for a longer life.
You’re scaring me, Neil. Maybe your penis should do all the talking/writing for the time being.
Don’t rule out the spinster-sex-esteem connection. I prefer men who skulk around being pathetic and loser-y. They’re more eager to please.
And that’s … very pleasing.
Same with Jimi Hendrix, the Big Bopper, and that guy from INXS! In fact, most of the really successful ones die sooner or later.
Wow, that must mean I’m a successful person since I’m going to die sooner or later! I can feel the success oozing out of me already.
You are killing me here! (and sorry about the NP). HAHAHAHA
🙂
Boy, what an insprirational piece!! I’m going to try it. *shuts eyes really tightly*
1. I haven’t done any hard time in prison, yet (my accomplishment)
2.I have rocking earlobes (physical trait)
3.I only swore in front of the kids 10-12 times tops today! (character trait)
You’re right!! I feel better all ready!!!
Ahhhh Thanks.
How’d you end up at the seminar?
Please don’t numb your penis. He needs to post more often.
You know, Jim Carey had a great idea going, but last time I wrote a check like that I ended up in jail…not really, but if I did write a check like that I totally would… end up in jail that is…nevermind.
I also didn’t realize that anit-depressants made your genitals go numb. Doens’t this defeat the whole “anti-depressant” purpose, because I know if I had to take a pill to be happy that happy would quickly turn to sad the second I had no feeling down there. Tragic.
Wait a minute…your penis isn’t numb all the time?
Well, at least you’re super sexy.
“nice guy” IS and interesting character trait…numb penis…now that’s just plain interesting…