the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: August 2005 (Page 5 of 5)

A Tribute To Teachers

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I noticed that in Sunday’s papers there were already a ton of ads for school clothes and school supplies.  Who can forget those weeks before school — the excitement of getting new clothes and buying a new lunchbox.  Do kids use lunchboxes anymore?  Is there an American Idol lunchbox?

A number of my new online friends are teachers, and I see that they are writing less and less on their blogs as they get ready for the new year.  Is there anyone more important and less glorified than a teacher? 

I can say without hesitation that I wouldn’t be who I am today without the influences of my marvelous teachers.   Even yesterday’s Ken and Barbie sex post was easy to do because I already did something similar years ago with my GI Joe and the model I made of my nine grade teacher, Miss Donne.  Thank you, Miss Donne!  I know you would be proud.

I love teachers.  I remember you all, every single one of you — from kindergarten through college.  I have so many great memories of my teachers.  Some of my best memories include sitting in the school bus on the way to school and singing songs in your honor. 

Like this one:

Glory glory hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
Hit her in the bean with a rotten tangerine,
and she won’t be coming round no more.

What fun I used to have!

By the way, did you know that most teachers spend hundreds of dollars of their own money just to get school supplies in cash-deprived school districts?

Here’s another one of my favorite "teacher" songs:

Mine eyes have seen the glory
of the burning of the school.
We have tortured every teacher,
we have broken every rule.
When the principal tried to stop us,
we just flushed him down the stool.

Why do we pay idiots like Hollywood actors so much money and we can’t pay a teacher a decent salary?

I’m sure you all remember this popular song:

Row row row your boat
gently down the stream.
Throw your teacher overboard
and listen to her scream.

It’s especially hard to be a teacher today because with most parents are working, and the teacher has to become a parent figure to many of their children. 

You can just hear the appreciation in this little ditty:

On Top of Old Smokey
all covered with sand,
I shot my poor teacher
with a green rubber band.
I shot her with pleasure,
I shot her with pride,
I couldn’t have missed her—
She’s forty feet wide.

I understand the lack of posts written by my blogging teacher friends.  All of us are with you.  You are the custodians of our country’s future.  It is you that mold the minds of the young, and make them into responsible and caring human beings ready to take us into the next century.

Teachers, I salute you with this final song, one that is especially popular with children coming to their first day of school:

Heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to school we go
with guns and knives and full bee hives.
Heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to school we go.
We’ll put some ants down teacher’s pants!
Heigh ho, heigh ho.

We love and appreciate you.

For more popular songs, go to Studies in Popular Culture.

The Fourteen Millionth Most Popular Blog

Last weekend was the Blogher women bloggers’ conference in Santa Clara, California.  A couple of my new online friends, such as Lizriz and Nichelle, went to the conference — and from all accounts, it was very inspirational.  One of the hottest topics of conversation at Blogher was about how hard it is to get into the old-boy’s network of the Technorati Top 100 websites.  I didn’t realize that blogging was already becoming the same as everything else, with a power structure and leaders of industry (except for the fact that it’s a lame industry and nobody makes money at it).  I know as a man, it’s easy for me to call Cory Doctorow of Boing Boing on his cell phone and schmooze him into giving me another link on his site, but I don’t like to take advantages of my gender.  For women, it must be especially difficult.

Until today, I didn’t realize that many people have dreams of getting into the Technorati 100 top sites.  People thought it was weird when I revealed that my first clicks of the day are always the single women on my blogroll.   What’s wrong with that?  I’m a guy!  It’s natural.   My female readers come in all shapes, sizes, and colors — sort of like a real life Dove Campaign for Real Beauty — I even found out today that one of them is a lesbian.  I don’t discriminate.  In contrast, today I read about some bloggers that stack their blogroll with "top sites" just to feed off the aura.  Now that’s a hundred times more creepier than loving the sweet words of a good woman. 

Here in the Los Angeles world of celebrity blogging, there is a lot of jealousy going around now that blogger Mark Lisanti of Defamer.com got his own puff piece in Sunday’s Los Angeles Times Calendar section.

For some the drug of choice is nicotine. For others, it’s marijuana or gambling, alcohol or shopping. For Mark Lisanti, the one-man band behind Hollywood’s website du jour, Defamer.com, the addiction is hits — page views, computer eyeballs — from the working men and women whom he’s distracted from their jobs with his pithy running commentary about celebrity hubris, the multitude of foibles that grow in Hollywood like tumbleweeds on the prairie.

When I read the following, I could almost hear the collective groan all the way from Blogher:

According to Technorati, a San Francisco-based company that ranks blogs according to the number of people linking to them in the last 90 days, Defamer was recently the 69th most popular blog out of an estimated 14 million blogs worldwide.

How does this "Eastside hipster" — as the Times called him — do it?  How is he #69 (even his number is sexy) and the rest of us are up in the bleachers with 14 million other losers?

Save your money.  You don’t need any fancy "blogging conferences" to help you succeed.  The answer is right in front of you face.

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Here is Mark Lisanti.  Look how he isn’t smiling, despite the fact that Defamer is about silly celebrity gossip.  Like a successful high fashion model, the trick is to never smile.

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This is a recent photo of me.  Look at that stupid grin.  What am I smiling about?  Why do I look so ridiculous?  This is the photo of a man who will never get close to the Technorati 100. 

Update  August 3:   In reaction to the Technorati 100, Jason Calacanis is starting a "Blog 500."  Now, there’s going to be more ass-kissing to do.

Kissing

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Pauly has another amusing post today — this time about "dog kissing."  And since I always find him inspirational, Pauly got me thinking about the subject of kissing (and not just with dogs). 

I miss kissing a lot, although I still try to get in a little kissing with Sophia if I can get her drunk enough.  The fact that I like kissing is surprising to me because I’m a bit of a hypochondriac.  Kissing is one of God’s greatest inventions, but if you think about it, it’s a germ-filled activity that can get you a cold.  Maybe the Eskimos have it right by kissing with their noses.  At least it’s sanitary.

Last night, I was watching a Tivo-ed episode of Average Joe, one of those second-rate dating reality shows.  This uninspiring girl goes out with one guy after another, seeing which one she likes the best.  All the guys are "amazed" with this dull woman.  Why are they so amazed?  Is it because she seems to have real boobs and they haven’t seen that before?

I would be a terrible reality dating show contestant.  Why can’t they ever find a smart woman who’s also beautiful? 

This year, Average Joe had a "twist."  Some of the nerds were kicked off, then came back after an extreme makeover.  All of a sudden, Marlena, or whatever her name is this year, was all hot for the guys because they were now looking good.  This time she used the word "amazed" over and over again.  All the guys were salivating over the opportunity for a second chance.  I was grimacing as one by one, they each sucked up to her by saying how amazing she was.  Now I’m as ass-kissy as they come, especially when it comes to wooing a woman, but these guys were making me nauseous.  Have some self-respect, guys!

If she picked me, I would say, "Screw you.  You didn’t want me before.  Now that I got the nose job and a trendy earring, I’m off to meet a woman who didn’t make me feel like a loser the first time." 

None of these reality show relationships work out anyway. 

If I were on the show, I would spend more time flirting with the female executive producer than the "girl," hoping to work my way into a new job. 

Oh, yeah, right… back to kissing.  In each episode of Average Joe, the woman goes on several dates with the guys.  At the end of each date, it’s inevitable that the couple starts kissing.  And it’s always some intense, open mouth kiss that the camera zooms in on.

Now, if I’m on a date with this woman, and I know that two hours ago, on her last date, she was french kissing some other guy, and three hours before that she giving some tongue action with a third guy — am I really going to want to kiss her?  It’s not even the fear of catching mono.  Maybe it’s me, but I think as I was kissing her, it would feel as if I’m kissing all the other guys — once removed.  And that’s just disgusting.

If I just wanted to kiss all the guys, I would just hang out back at the mansion rather than going on a boring date with this dumb chick.

But that’s a whole other reality show.

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