the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: August 2005 (Page 3 of 5)

A Wimpy Post About Friendship

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I always found it interesting that there are some things you can ask in polite company, such as “What do you do for a living?” and some things you can’t, such as “How much do you make?”

If I said, “I really need to get laid,” every one of you would chime in yelling, “Go for it!”  But imagine I said, “I’m looking to make new friends.”   Wouldn’t that make me sound desperate?

For several years now, Sophia has been my best friend.  She still is.  But I feel like expanding my horizons.

Finding good friends has been a difficult job post-college.  When I need to discuss something important, I usually turn to old friends back in New York.  I would be completely miserable without these important friends that I’ve had since grade school.  They’re more important to me than most of my relatives.

I’ve made several good friends since coming to Los Angeles, but most of them are in the entertainment business — and these people don’t always make the most reliable of friends.  When every newbie writer/director/comedian/musician gets off the plane at LAX for the first time, they should be given a t-shirt that reads “Self-absorbed,” much like they hand out leis in Hawaii.  I love my friends from film school, but sometimes I wonder if we can talk about anything other than screenwriting.

Getting married created a lot of upheaval of friendships for both Sophia and I.  Some of my friends didn’t like Sophia’s politics.  Some of Sophia’s friends didn’t think I was good marriage material.  These friends became casualties of our nuptials.  It’s easy to say that you will remain friends with someone despite his feelings about your spouse, but it is very difficult to make this into a reality.

Sophia and I started hanging out with other married couples.  But there were problems here, too.  Sophia is the type of woman who likes to hang out with the guys.  I’m a guy who likes to hang out with the women.  Unfortunately, after dinner, many couples still split up gender-wise, just like they did in our parents’ era.  The women gossip in the kitchen, the men talk about sports and the stock market in the living room.  And Sophia and I both hated being stuck with our gender.  Yeah, I tried to play golf with a group of husbands, but it really wasn’t me.

To make it worse, it was almost impossible to become a close friend with another married woman.  I really hit it off with Joy, who was one of the wives – just as friends.  We both were English majors and met a couple of times at a coffee shop to talk about books.  Sophia had no problem with this, but it still felt like we were cheating on our spouses.  Sophia and I went out frequently with Joy and Mark, but Sophia would usually end up talking with Joy, while I was stuck with her Mark, whose main interest was tax software.

Marriage also affects your relationships with old friends.  Suddenly, you’re not as “there” for your friends as you used to be.  I can only imagine how much more complicated it gets when you have children. It’s not that I haven’t complained about other friends once they got married.  I have a friend whose wife always answers the phone when I call.   I like his wife, but I don’t always want to talk to her for twenty minutes about the kids’ potty training before I get to speak to my friend.  Sometimes, I’m so talked out after my conversation with her that I don’t want to speak to my friend anymore.

My separation with Sophia has caused even more problems with some friends.  Whose side do our friends take?  Fortunately, Sophia and I get along well enough to still go out with our couple friends.  But I can imagine how the divorces of other couples can destroy friendships as well as a family.

So, where can I find new friends?  Bloggers, perhaps?

The biggest problem with becoming friends with other bloggers is that you’re already in an awkward position.  You know too much about each other, even before you even meet.  Recently I went to a LA blogger meet-up, where I finally got to meet some fellow bloggers. But, over the last few months, I’ve exchanged personal details with my blogging pals through our writing, and our face-to-face meeting could never match that intensity.  In writing, we can write about whatever we want.  In person, there are social constraints. Maybe if I actually brought my laptop with me and we just sent emails back and forth across the bar — I would have been more comfortable.

How do you online daters do it?  Isn’t it weird writing back and forth to each other, impressing each other, flirting with each other, learning about each other (sometimes even having phone sex) — and then, after all that, actually meeting in person.  What’s left to talk about – the weather?

So, I’m officially in the market for new friends.  Some of you might make good friends, but the concept is a little scary.  I don’t mind my mother reading my blog.  But do I really want a close friend who reads my blog every day?

So, be forewarned.  If I do become your real friend, I’m immediately blocking your IP address from my blog.

Fiddler on the Goof, Part 2

Now that Rosie O’Donnell has signed up to play Goldie in "Fiddler of the Roof" on Broadway, big-name movie stars are lining up to play several of the other characters. 

Here is Scarlett Johansson auditioning for the role of "Motel the Tailor."

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"But of all God’s miracles, large and small,
The most miraculous one of all
Is the one I thought could never be.
God has given you to me."

(from "Miracle of Miracles," ‘Fiddler on the Roof’)

Deconstructing Gwyneth Paltrow

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The following is a full-length article from the New York Times on August 10, 2005 titled "Gwyneth Paltrow Takes Her Turn Behind the Camera," written by Felicia R. Lee — interspersed with my own thoughts as I read the article.
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Gwyneth Paltrow yelled "Cut!" as if her life depended on it. Sipping hot green tea on one of the hottest days of the year, standing in a meandering Brooklyn apartment that had been transformed into a movie set, Ms. Paltrow was directing her first film, "Dealbreakers," a short about the dubious charms of dating, with no small measure of authority.

(Hmmm. she is "sipping hot green tea on one of the hottest days of the year.  Does this mean that she is ultra-hip, a trend-setter, or just a masochist?  And did the writer make sure to check that the tea bag wasn’t in fact Earl Grey or is this another made up"Jason Blair"-type detail?)

At one point, standing at the monitor in a pink camisole that said "Mrs. Martin" (she is married to Chris Martin, the lead singer of the rock group Coldplay), Ms. Paltrow suggested a longer camera pan for a shot of Travis, a goofy hippie offering his date some gorp.

(Add one name-dropping of a famous husband.  And what the hell is gorp?  Oh, here it is on Google.  Oh, here’s a recipe.  Let me bookmark it.)

"One more shot, then on to Opera Man," Ms. Paltrow said, referring to another bad date in the film, a 10-minute short about those dating moments when you realize it’s not going to work, usually because of something your date has said or done.

(A fucking ten-minute short — that she is co-directing!  Does this deserve a whole column in The New York Times?  I made seven ten-minute shorts in film school — and I directed them by myself — and no one from the NY Times ever contacted me!)

Such moments of command were occasionally offset by more maternal concerns. Joined on the set by Apple, her 14-month-old daughter, Ms. Paltrow looked on in delight as Apple splashed in what had been a bucket of ice for water and soda.

(More name-dropping of the stupidly-named daughter.   This is supposed to remind me that Ms. Paltrow is not only a successful actress, but a doting Mom.)

Ms. Paltrow, who splits her time between London and New York, called the film a chance to stretch artistically and to help a good cause.

(A good cause?  I’m laughing already and I don’t even know what the cause it.)

The short was one of four stories made into movies by an advisory board of female executives and actresses in Hollywood, assembled to further the cause of women in film.

(OK, I’m into that.  That’s cool.)

The board chose from among 4,000 fact-based 750-word essays about life-changing events submitted to Glamour magazine by its readers earlier this year. Ms. Paltrow was the co-writer and co-director of "Dealbreakers" with Mary Wigmore, a close friend and filmmaker who is Apple’s godmother.

(Wait a minute.  Isn’t this supposed to further the cause of women in film?  Where is the name of the woman who wrote the Glamour article?   Why is the world-famous Ms. Paltrow the co-writer and director and not one of the thousands of terrific unknown women struggling in Hollywood?  Don’t we want to advance their cause… not that of the Oscar winning Ms. Paltrow?  Well, surely her co-writer and director must be a deserving young talent.  But what’s this? — the co-writer and director is a close friend and Apple’s godmother?  That smells more like nepotism than "advancing women’s causes.")

The Glamour "reel moments" entries included the usual tales of death and divorce and finding oneself after motherhood but also played with lighter moments of epiphany, like knowing when a date’s number is up.   The set of films will eventually be shown in 25 markets starting in October, and a DVD containing them will also be inserted into the December issue of Glamour.

The magazine will also make a donation to FilmAid International, a charitable organization that uses film to help communities deal with disasters. In this case, FilmAid will use the money for women in refugee camps in Kenya.

(A donation to women in Kenyan refugee camps?  Great cause, but what does that have to do with anything?  How much will be donated?  Why not set up training for women directors?  And by the way, still no mention of the woman who wrote the original article in Glamour.)

"The brand is about the empowerment of women," Leslie Russo, Glamour’s associate publisher said of the magazine’s involvement in the project. "Today, with the culture being so celebrity-obsessed, how do we extend that message? How do we support the telling of real women’s stories in Hollywood?"

(The answer:  By getting super-celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow and her daughter’s godmother to make a 10 minute film about this pressing new subject of "dating in New York.")

Glamour picked Moxie Pictures, a bicoastal commercial and feature film production company, to develop the stories, produce the shorts and assemble the advisory board that selected the essays and helped to cast the films. The board included the actresses Katie Holmes, Lucy Liu and Julianna Margulies, as well as Meryl Poster, the former president of production at Miramax Films; Caroline Kaplan, a vice president at IFC Entertainment; and Cara Stein, the chief operating officer at the William Morris Agency.

(More name-dropping)

The winning essays were matched with female talent behind and in front of the camera, including, besides Ms. Paltrow; Jenny Bicks, the Emmy-winning writer and executive producer of "Sex and the City"; the director Trudy Styler (the mini-series "Empire"); and the actresses Rosario Dawson and Debi Mazar.

(More established talent without the need for their cause to be advanced)

Of the three other films, one fixes on a woman’s quest to find the right little black dress, while another concerns a woman trusting her instincts on what’s missing in her life. The last is about a housewife’s accidental encounter with transvestites.

(From now on, I get all my story ideas from readers of Glamour.)

Ms. Paltrow said that she and Ms. Wigmore were both drawn to the comedic possibilities of "Dealbreakers," and structured the film as a faux documentary about the dating adventures of Fran, a 30-year-old New Yorker. They shot the film during three recent long, hot days in New York.

(… and then retreated back to Ms. Paltrow’s well-air-conditioned six-bedroom penthouse overlooking Central Park.)

"It’s been great," Ms. Paltrow said of her first effort at directing. "It’s been really interesting to kind of get in here and see that I have an instinct for it.  "I think I’m very sensitive to the actor’s perspective," she continued. "Obviously, I’ve worked on 30 films so I think I’ve learned a lot about filmmaking through osmosis. I’ve spent basically 12 years of my life on film sets the whole time."

("…so why would I want to give anyone else an opportunity to get into the industry and take work away from me?")

Ms. Paltrow, 32, who won an Academy Award for best actress in 1999 for her role as Viola De Lesseps in "Shakespeare in Love," is very much a child of show business. Her father, Bruce Paltrow, who died in 2002, was a producer and director; her mother, Blythe Danner, is an actress. Her brother, Jake, is a director.

(Moral of the story:  Who needs the "empowerment of women" when you already have the empowerment of show-biz parents?)

"My parents were very discouraging of me going into it," Ms. Paltrow said of acting as a career. "I think there was sort of the sense in the 60’s still and the early 70’s that show business was not as respectable a profession as some others and I think they wanted me to do something more intellectual."

(Does anyone believe for one moment that her parents ever said anything remotely like that or is this quote here to solely  make New York Times readers continue to salivate over their favorite young actress?)

And yet, show business has treated her very well, indeed. There is already buzz about her next film, "Proof," which is set for a Sept. 16 premiere. The movie, one of the last projects of the departing co-chairmen of Miramax, Harvey and Bob Weinstein, is based on the Broadway play about a mentally ill University of Chicago mathematician, played by Anthony Hopkins, and his unstable daughter Catherine, played by Ms. Paltrow. Ms. Paltrow said she hoped to work again with the Weinsteins, who are starting another production company after they leave Miramax on Sept. 30.

(Showbiz rule #1: Never do anything without promoting your next project — and not the bullshitty 10 minute one, either.)

Despite her own star power, she believes the industry has a ways to go when it comes to women.  "I think a lot of women writers in Hollywood write from their own experience," she said. "But normally in Hollywood those experiences get so kind of homogenized and put through the studio system that what started as a core idea from somebody’s life often gets turned in a movie that you’ve seen a number of times.  The men in Hollywood make it hard for women. I really believe that. What it means is that it’s kind of like the old-boy industries. It’s mostly run by men."

(I might be wrong, but I think three of the movie studios are run by women.)

Ms. Bicks said that the television landscape had improved for women with the network success of ABC’s "Desperate Housewives," and HBO’s former hit, "Sex and the City."  "It’s made a difference in pitching stories about women," Ms. Bicks said.  The Glamour project showed a group of talented women that they could handle jobs that some had not done before, Ms. Poster said. "I told Gwyneth she could tell people to move here, move there, without coming off as a fussy actress," she joked.

(Ha.  Sarcastically.)

With women now leading the studios at Disney, Universal and Sony, "someone said to me that the male studio head is becoming an endangered species," Ms. Poster said.

(!!!!)

She contended that the industry is much more female-friendly. Women aren’t directing films in large numbers, she said, because it’s an all-encompassing job that is not often compatible with the complexity of women’s lives.

(…and Oscar-winning actresses who want to be directors are stealing the jobs from other women.)

Still, Ms. Paltrow insisted, "it takes women to write short films about women or features about women."

(Nonsense.  I wonder what my screenwriting friends think about that comment.)

"There’s no reason why," she said, "if there’s ‘Wedding Crashers’ for boys, there can’t be something really funny yet intelligent for women, that has something to say for women."

(Oh, yes, ‘Wedding Crashers’ really empowered me as a male.  It was about two complete jerks who manipulate women, and one of them gets repeatedly molested by one of his conquests — and ends up falling for her.   Gwyneth, feel free to direct the woman’s version of the film.  And I’m still waiting — where is the name of the newcomer who wrote the Glamour article?)

What’s the Matter with Kids Today?

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I was in Starbucks with a female friend.  We were both reading the LA Times.  I saw this article that for some reason amused me.  I showed it to my friend.

A show promoter labeled a "Grinch" by prosecutors for selling tickets to thousands of children for a nonexistent Christmas pageant was sentenced Wednesday to more than seven years in prison.

The judge told David Lee Ellisor that his actions were "reprehensible."

Ellisor, 52, was convicted in February of eight counts of mail fraud for a December 2003 scam in which he sold $10 tickets to more than 2,700 Miami-Dade County schoolchildren and parents for a "Christmas Around the World" show. He claimed that it would be attended by ambassadors from 28 countries and feature live reindeer.

Hundreds of children were left crying outside the Coconut Grove Convention Center when they learned that there would be no show.

Trial evidence indicated that Ellisor emptied the show’s bank account to buy a luxury car the day the show was to begin.

My friend tossed the paper aside.

"That’s terrible."

"Terrible?"  I asked.  "They shouldn’t even convict this guy.  I think they should give him a medal for educating our youth about what real life is going to be like."

She did not find this amusing.  Oh, one detail I forgot.  She was there with her baby.  This woman used to be very funny.  Now she is always very serious.  She wakes up every morning and puts on a CD of Mozart, so the baby will grow up cultured.

I don’t know if it was this experience, or hearing about all you teachers out there getting a new year of school underway, but I’ve been thinking about kids today.   And I’m not sure you’re going to like what I say.

As someone who doesn’t have any children, I think it gives me a unique opportunity to tell the truth:  they are incredibly cute, but also pretty obnoxious — particularly from ages 3-12.  I mean, kids are great, but when did children become the center of our existence?   Do we really need to play Mozart to our babies from birth?  Do parents really need to devote all their energy for the next 18 years — just to make sure the child gets into Harvard?

In the past, it used to be that kids were seen but not heard.  I was an only child.  As a stereotypical only child, I was independent and spoiled — but I always knew my place in the hierarchy of the household.  My parents ruled.  Now, kids rule the household.  They tell their parents what to buy.  There are even special marketing companies pushing kids to get their parents to buy them products like Fruit Loops and video games. 

I think our culture took a nosedive during the "We are the World" era.  All those stupid songs like "The children are our future."   Whose future?  Theirs… not mine.  Let’s clean up the environment so I don’t have to breathe the fumes, not for some nebulous future of the "children." Do I always have to bend over backwards for "the children?"  The "children" have ruined TV.  Most TV sucks because — god forbid — some child might see something like Janet Jackson’s boob.    Maybe I want to see Janet Jackson’s boob.  Now, I’m never going to get a chance again because it might ruin the innocence of some bratty American child. 

We somehow visualize children as pure and innocent.  This doesn’t make any sense.  We were all once children ourselves. Did we block out everything from our past?  Don’t we remember ourselves as children?   Pure and innocent?  C’mon!

We were snot-dripping assholes! 

Why are our children going to be any different?

I was about a good a kid as could be.  I never cried or yelled in public.  Why do kids scream so much in movie theaters and malls?  Where are the parents?

A few months ago, writer Ayelet Waldman, wife of Pulitzer Prize winning writer Michael Chabon, wrote a controversial article in The New York Times where she said, "I love my husband more than I love my children." 

I do love [my daughter]. But I’m not in love with her. Nor with her two brothers or sister. Yes, I have four children. Four children with whom I spend a good part of every day: bathing them, combing their hair, sitting with them while they do their homework, holding them while they weep their tragic tears. But I’m not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband.

It is his face that inspires in me paroxysms of infatuated devotion. If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.

What’s wrong with that?  Of course she loves her four children.  She just doesn’t make them the center of her universe.  Because of what she said, she got tons of hate mail.  When she appeared on Oprah, many in the audience attacked her, accusing her of being a lousy mother and person.

Why shouldn’t the wife or husband come before the children?  Isn’t that the person you married?

This "children first" attitude is not entirely new.  When the boat is sinking, it’s always "women and children" first.  But I understand that’s more of a male chivalry thing.  Today, we go too far in idolizing the young.  What really annoys me is when a hundred people die in a fire — including one child — and all the news media wants to talk about is this one child who died, as if his young age makes him more special to the world.  How do we know that if this kid survived the fire, he wasn’t going to grow up to be a dunce?  How do we know that the middle-aged guy who also died wasn’t about to discover the cure for cancer?

Do all you mothers and teachers hate me yet? 

My Entry to the Vanity Fair Essay Competition

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Vanity Fair magazine is concerned that the youth of today is apathetic, especially compared to the baby-boomer editors who lived during the 1960’s. 

"More than 30 years ago, young people across the country staged sit-ins for civil rights, got up and protested against a misguided, undeclared war, and actually gave a damn if a president lied to them. Today it seems as if the younger generation of Americans are content to watch their MTV, fiddle with their game players, [and] follow the love lives of Brad, Jen, Jessica and Paris. What has changed? What is going on inside the minds of American youth today?"

To rectify the problem, Vanity Fair (in association with Montblanc fountain pens) is running an essay competition titled, "What’s on the minds of America’s youth today?"   The prize:  $15,000, a trip to the  the Santa Maddalena writers’ colony, and a Montblanc fountain pen.

So, I figured — hell, if I can write erotica, I can certainly write a short essay on this topic.

My Essay for Vanity Fair:

What’s the Matter with Kids Today?

In the 1960’s young people had meaning in their lives.  They were politically aware and cared about what happened in this country and in the world.  Young people today are more technologically sophisticated, but have lost much of their "soul."  How did this happen?  What made America’s youth go off track?   I’d like to thank Vanity Fair for the opportunity to address this important issue.  

Rather than caring about war and poverty, today’s young people only care about celebrity culture (Jennifer Aniston, Vanity Fair cover, September 2005; Scarlett Johansson photoshoot, Vanity Fair, August 2005) and scandal (Martha Stewart, Vanity Fair cover, August 2005).  In the 1960’s, young people looked up to heroes like Dr. King and Bobby Kennedy.  Who do they look up to today?  (Tom Cruise story, Vanity Fair, August 2005; Porn Star Memoirs, Vanity Fair, September 2005).  In the 1960’s, women were at the forefront of a political movement, pushing for equal rights for all women.  Why have today’s women lost interest in politics?  (Jimmy Choo shoes article, August 2005; Elle Macpherson’s lingerie debut article, August 2005).   In the 1960’s, young people were fighting the establishment.  Today’s youth are complacent, caring more about consumerism and material objects than changing the world. (Adrienne Vittadini ad, Polo ad, Ralph Lauren ad, Movado ad, Calvin Klein ad, Bacardi ad, DKNY ad, Audi ad, countless other ads, in all Vanity Fair issues).

So, who is the culprit in the dreadful attitudes of our misguided youth?  The answer is clear. 

The editors of Vanity Fair.

My First Piece of Erotica

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One of my fellow bloggers has two blogs, one regular and a second blog of erotica based on her true-life experiences with her boyfriend.

(I won’t mention who unless she wants me to).

Since I am a competitive blogger and always out to increase my readership, I’ve decided to take a stab at erotica based on a real-life romantic encounter.    So, send the kids away and prepare to get HOT.   And Mom, you can read it too.  I know you watched "Sex and the City."   I also used to sneak looks at those sexy Judith Krantz novels you used to read.   I still keep the ripped out page 123 of "Princess Daisy" in my sock drawer.

NIGHT OF PASSION — erotica by Neil Kramer

"Thanks for fixing my Tivo," said Sophia, as I stirred my homemade tomato sauce in the pot. 

Sophia was wearing a sexy new outfit, and she looked terrific.

"It’s also nice of you to make dinner, Neilochka,"  she said.

"My pleasure, Sofotchka."

My wife (former wife?) smiled at me in that special way she did before we separated two years ago.  I thought that maybe she did have "pleasure" on her mind, but not the one having anything to do with my pasta.

We slowly moved closer and closer.  We kissed, our lips eager for each other.  I could feel the energy flowing through my body.  I ripped off her blouse, the buttons flying.

"Oops, I’m sorry."

"Don’t worry.  I got it at sale at Loehmann’s.  Only twelve dollars!"

"Great buy.  And it looks great.  Very flattering."

"Thanks."

I saw that she was braless.  Her magnificent breasts called out to me, " Touch us, hold us, kiss us!"  Her nipples were as hard as the growing bulge in my pants.

"Let’s go to the bedroom."

"What about the pasta?"

"Shut it off.  I honestly never liked your ‘homemade’ tomato sauce anyway."

I laughed.  I always found her total honesty very sexy.

Before we knew it, we were moving into the bedroom.  The bedroom looked different than when I lived here, because Sophia wanted to change the feng shui of the room to create better energy.  And it certainly was working for me.  Sophia reached for my belt and quickly undid my pants, releasing the pressure.  My engorged tool stood at attention, ready and willing.

"Oh, Neilochka, you have the biggest c–k I’ve ever seen."

She knew I loved it when she talked dirty.  But then again, she also had that habit of always telling the truth —

"Maybe not as big as the Vladimir’s c–k from Moscow, or Bibi’s c–k from Tel Aviv, or the c–k of that Jamaican steel drummer from New York, or the c–k of that lifeguard from Malibu…"

"OK, I get it.  Let’s just… shhh."

I dove between her legs.  Sophia sighed.  I quickly let her "big" comment fade from my memory.  Well not quite.  It reminded me of something else.

"Oh, by the way, did you get "Big" from Netflix yet?"

"I did.  I watched it and sent it back."

I quickly sat up, annoyed.

"Why did you do that?  I asked you to get it for me."

"It ‘s been a week already.  I sent it back so I could get ‘Monster-in-Law.’"

"I wanted to watch "Big" again.  I have a screenplay idea that uses some of the elements."
 
"I’m sorry.  Besides… you had that idea three years ago.  It’s a awful movie idea."

"It’s commercial."

Sophia mumbled something I couldn’t hear.

"What?"

‘Nothing."

"No, tell me."

"Really?"

"Yes!  Tell me, already!"

"OK… you used to have so many creative ideas.  Then all you started to care about was ‘commercial.’  No wonder you never sell anything."

"Come again?"

"It’s like your blog.  It was great in the beginning.  Now you just pander to the lowest common denominator of your readers with stupid sex jokes.  It’s all fluff, no content."

"OK, so I’m not Instapundit, writing about the latest politics."

"And stop flirting with all the women online.  It makes you look easy."

"I am easy."

"Look, your erection’s gone already.  Why don’t you write about that on your blog?"

"My erection is not gone."

"No?"

"Then it’s your fault.  Yours… and… and…  that stupid cholesterol medicine you’re making me take."

Sophia now mumbles something in Russian.

"You know, my readers are so much more nicer than you.  If I lived in Florida — within one week, I bet I’d be sleeping in Brooke‘s bed."

"Right.  Until she sees your bank account.  And what you think your cholesterol medicine does to your erection."

"You know… you… you… you looked like you gained three pounds."

"I did not!  You’re lying."

"Yeah, in your hips."

"You lie!  Mark said I look great."

"Who’s Mark?"

"Oh, I didn’t tell you.  I went on a date with someone from court."

"You went on a date and didn’t tell me?"

"Why?   Do you tell me everything?"

"Yes, because you force it out of me!  I don’t even know why we’re still married."

"We’re not.  We’re separated."

"I’m going home… and taking my erection with me."

"Wait!  Neilochka!  Don’t leave yet.  Before you go, could you do a virus scan on my computer.  I think there’s a problem."

"OK… Sofotchka."

Jewish People Are So Smart

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One of my friends is a teacher at an expensive Los Angeles private school.  He is also one of the few black faces at the school.  This has never been a problem for him.  He has never faced racism or anything like that at the school.  This school is very liberal in orientation.  In fact, its curriculum is based on teaching the students about diversity (even though there isn’t much of it in the student body).  Still, my friend always has amusing stories about how even the most liberal of liberal parents sometimes can’t get over the color of his skin.  If anything, he is treated nicer because of his color, just so parents can tell themselves that they have no problem with him being black. 

During the Michael Jackson trial, some parents and teachers always made sure they were careful about what they said.  Whenever my friend was in earshot, they were sure to say that "all the evidence isn’t there yet," just in case he would feel as if one of his "brothers" was being attacked — as if most African-Americans didn’t think Michael Jackson was a nut job also.

When the school decided to do a special assembly program on Martin Luther King, all eyes turned to my friend, waiting for his approval and opinion, as if he had some purer psychic connection to Dr. King than the several older white teachers who had actually marched during the 60’s.  My friend tried to remind them that during the 60’s, he was mostly a kid watching "The Brady Bunch" on TV.

Although we laugh about this, I’m not saying this kid gloves approach is necessarily bad. Most of these parents and teachers are well-meaning in wanting to show respect for "the outsider."  It certainly is better than old-time discrimination.    But not all minority members want to be spokespeople for their "people."

I’ve heard of this sort of over-politeness occurring with other ethnic groups.  One Chinese-American friend (born in Seattle) says that whenever she goes out to a Chinese restaurant with co-workers, everyone turns to her to make sure she approves of their orders.  No one dares order something as "unauthentic" as Chow Mein, which might hurt her ethnic sensibilities.

Again, I’m not one of those people out to knock "political-correctness."  It just never really happened to me… until last week. 

Sophia was invited to dinner at a client’s house in Orange County, and I accompanied her.  During the dinner conversation, attention turned to Sophia and the fact that she was from Russia.  This happens all the time when we meet new people, and I know the dialogue by heart.  After you’ve been married a while, you know exactly what the spouse is going to say in every social encounter. 

When did you leave Russia?  Blah blah blah.  What was it like?  Blah blah blah.  What do you think of the current situation in Russia?

Sophia hates this last question.  I always have to kick her under the table to remind her not to be rude.  In so many ways, she is more American than I am.  She’s been out of Russia for years, left as a teenager, and hates it when she is thought of as the one with a hand on Putin’s pulse.  She doesn’t even like most Russians that much.

Then the conversations turned to Sophia and I being Jewish.  Having mostly lived in New York and Los Angeles, most non-Jews I know can name every minor Jewish holiday by heart.  I know for a fact that there are plenty of Jews in Orange County.  I just think this couple had never met one.

"Jewish people are so smart." 

"One of my co-workers is Jewish.  And he’s the smartest one of the company." 

Now I know that it is common knowledge that Jews are smart.  There’s even been a recent controversial paper published by the Journal of Ashkenazi Intelligence stating that genetic selection in the old country created a Jewish people with an extremely high IQ.  There’s no doubt that this tiny minority group produces a large number of doctors, lawyers, professors, and Nobel Prize winners.  Jewish people are proud of this.  But let’s be honest.  There are a lot of really really stupid Jewish people.  And Japanese people.  And I’m sure there are even Indian kids that would never make it past the first round of a spelling bee.

So, here I was, sitting at this Orange County couple’s dinner table, being told how smart and wonderful my "people" were.   I made some stupid comment about them having never met my family.

"Then I’d like to see if you have the same opinion," I said.

The Orange County wife laughed and said that Jews are always so funny, too — like "that Seinfeld guy."

From now on, if you ever see me talking with a Japanese woman and asking her if she owns a kimono, please bop me in the head.

UPDATE 10/05 — New York Magazine tries to sell some magazines with this Are Jews Smarter? topic.

Tradition, Tradition

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With Broadway all abuzz with the casting of Rose O’Donnell as Goldie, Tevye’s prototypical Jewish wife in the revival of "Fiddler on the Roof," top Broadway producers have quickly added "crowd-pleasing" but inappropriate stars to their upcoming shows:

COMING TO BROADWAY THIS FALL: 
 
Carrot Top is "The Wiz"

Fran Drescher is "Evita"

Lindsay Lohan  is "The Man of La Mancha"

Louie Anderson in "A Chorus Line"

Dave Chappelle in "Oklahoma"

Phyllis Diller is "Annie"

Paul Reubens is "The Phantom of the Opera"

Shaquille O’Neal in "Hair"

Carson Kressley in "The King and I"

James Earl Jones in "Bring in ‘Da Noise Bring in ‘Da Funk"

Margaret Cho in "1776"

*NSYNC in "Beatlemania"

Patrick Stewart is "Funny Girl"

Dennis Miller in "Grease"

Whatever Brings Them In, Part 3

spray.jpg

From the Kabbalah store:

Over the millenia, ancient kabbalists understood water to be the source of all cleansing. Making use of Kabbalistic technology, they would activate the cleansing power of water. These waters have been energized with the same 4,000 year old technology. To direct the cleansing power of the water to the area of your body that needs healing energy, simply spray on the area.

Disclaimer: The producer and distributor of this water do not claim any specific physical benefits which might be achieved by using it.

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