Month: July 2005 (Page 4 of 4)

My Menage A Trois

July 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 34 Comments

I’m not sure if Sophia and I will ever get back together, but I don’t regret being married to her at all. I learned so much about women by being married to one.

Last night, I was watching one of those awful R-rated movies they show on Cinemax at midnight — the ones that are more boring than titillating. Towards the end of the movie, one of the male characters ends up in bed with two beautiful (but very fake-boobed) women. My mind drifted from the cheesy sex scene to my own thoughts. I said to myself:

"A menage a trois is the fantasy of a man before marriage. Sure, I used to have these fantasies. My fantasies were as diverse as Los Angeles. I used to see myself in bed with a white woman, a black woman, an Asian woman, and a Latina — all at the same time. But now I realize the absurdity of the whole menage a trois fantasy."

Why? First of all, it’s difficult enough making one woman happy in bed. But two? I’d have to be working out in the gym five times a week just to have enough stamina!

And what exactly are you supposed to do with Connie while you’re having sex with Sarah — talking about the latest episode of "Beauty and the Geek"?

And I know how women think. You’ll be doing something interesting with one woman and the other woman is going to get pissed.

Sarah: "You’ve been giving her oral sex for fifteen minutes, but I only get ten? What am I — chopped liver? I know what the problem is. You think I’m too fat."

Me: No. No. Of course not.

Sarah: You like her better because she’s a skinny bitch. I see how you look at her thighs. I’m sorry mine are so fat.

Me: They aren’t fat. I love your thighs, exactly how they are.

Sarah: Liar! I hate you! I hate you!

Sarah ends up throwing something at me. That’s certainly going to ruin the mood. And think of all the complications the next morning. I’m not just talking about all three of us going to Farmer’s Market for breakfast.

Me: I’ll call you later, Sarah. I’ll call you later, Connie.

Connie: And who are you going to call first?

Me: I’ll call you Sarah at 3. I’ll call you Connie at 4.

Connie: I see. You’re calling her first because she has bigger tits than me. Well, I’m sorry I’m flat! I hate you! I hate you!

Connie ends up throwing something at me.

Men, drop this menage a trois fantasy. In reality, it would be more trouble than you realize.

The Master Plan

July 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 6 Comments

Sophia walks for her exercise. Two weeks ago, Sophia invited me to go walking with her. What I didn’t know was that we were going to be walking for two and a half hours, all the way from Redondo Beach to LAX.

After our journey through the South Bay, I was exhausted. As a favor to me, Sophia said we should sit down and have some ice cream.

"What now?" I asked, after finishing my pistachio ice cream cone.

"We walk home."

"No way!"

We ended up taking a taxi home. It cost me thirty dollars.

On Sunday, Sophia invited me to go walking again.

"No way!" I said for the second time in two weeks.

"You’re sitting too much on your butt blogging. It’s time for you to get out."

I knew she was right.

"OK, I have a plan." I said. "We’ll drive both our cars to LAX. We’ll leave my car there, and you’ll drive us back in your car. We’ll take our long walk from Redondo Beach to LAX. We’ll relax and have some ice cream, and then my car will be right there at LAX to take us back home again!"

"An excellent plan. Let’s do it."

I drove over to Sophia’s place. We took our two and a half hour walk to LAX. I was exhausted, as usual. We had our ice cream. After our break, we walked to my car. I bragged about my cleverness.

"Now all we have to do is drive back home. I don’t know where you’re ever going to find another husband who’s as smart as I am."

Then I realized something. We still a little problem. I had left my keys back in the glove compartment of Sophia’s car.

Michael Eisner’s Camp Experience

July 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 0 Comments

(Ida Mae Astute / ABC)

Michael Eisner, the outgoing head of Disney, has just published a memoir titled "Camp."

The book is "a 182-page, all-kumbaya-all-the-time ode to Keewaydin, the idyllic Vermont getaway where he spent the summers of his youth on the shores of Lake Dunmore. It was at Keewaydin, Eisner writes, that he learned the value of mutual respect, teamwork and leadership, along with such enduring life lessons as "Help the other fellow" and "Be a fair winner and a good loser." (via LA Times)

I haven’t read the book, but this is what I imagine Chapter 3 to be like, subtitled "The CEO of Bunk 15":

It was another beautiful morning in Camp Keewaydin. I could hear the Vermont birds.   I took a deep breath of the fresh air and remembered all the fun I had the day before while boating on Lake Dunsmore. I looked for Stu’s latest comic book collection at the foot of the bed, but it wasn’t there, like he promised.

That was not acceptable.

I called out to my bunkmates and they promptly gave Stu a wedgie and hung him from the rafters. Stu said that he just wanted to finish his Archie comic book before he turned it in to me. I told him that when I say something is due Saturday and it isn’t — don’t bother coming to the lake on Sunday.   He cried "Uncle" and said that his mother was sending him a care package with Hostess cupcakes — and I could keep the whole box.

"And you’re going to make my bed for the entire month?"

"Yes! Yes!"

Now, that was more like it!

"And no whistling while you work!" I added.

What good times I had at Camp Keewaydin. Everything I learned about being a leader and CEO began during that perfect Vermont summer.

The National Anthem

July 4, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 8 Comments

My favorite part of the Olympics is not the sports, but when they play the national anthems. I love national anthems. France’s La Marsellaise is inspiring. Israel’s Haktikvah is emotional. Our Star Spangled Banner stinks. I know it’s the Fourth of July and all, but is there a better time to suggest something revolutionary?

Well, It’s actually not that revolutionary. Many have argued for changing the national anthem. Usually, the argument involves the fact that the song is too war-like. Or that the tune is based on a drinking song. Or someone like Roseanne sings it at a baseball game. My objection is that it is just a bad song. No one can sing it right. It’s screechy. No one really knows the words.

Anyone have any suggestions? My vote goes for "This Land is Your Land."

Happy 4th of July. Support our troops!

Looking What’s Under

July 4, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 17 Comments

What do Hugh Grant, Luke Perry, Desi Arnaz Jr., and Harry Truman all have in common? They are all uncircumsized! This extremely weird website is an anti-circumcision site and they try to convince you of their opinions by using the oldest trick in the advertising book — celebrity endorsements! (thanks Rob)

Hey, if Johnny Mathis and Vladimir Putin are uncut (or "intact" as they call it) why shouldn’t I be?

I’ve never heard the expression "intact" before. Does that mean the rest of us are not intact?

And the obvious question is — how does this website know? I read David McCullough’s masterful biography of Harry Truman, and there wasn’t one mention of his penis in the book’s 1120 pages.

Also, according to my post from last week, Batman is on our side.

UPDATE July7: Who knew? A few days later, the heated subject of circumcision is in the news.

Outrage at Penguin Books

July 4, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 3 Comments

Gay author Bennett Madison is furious at his publisher, Penguin Books, because they have published the controversial and best-selling "The Truth about Hillary." He’s practically asking for a boycott of his own publisher. (via Lusty Lady)

The fact that Penguin has chosen to publish THE TRUTH ABOUT HILLARY makes me very uneasy about being a Penguin author for several reasons. First of all, the fact that Penguin is (in theory at least) making money off of my work, and is now choosing to turn around and use the fruits of my faggoty labor to exacerbate the frightening homophobic tenor of today’s political discourse is, naturally, sickening. Furthermore, unlike Kitty Kelley’s brilliantly reported Bush biography, Walter Scott/Ed Klein’s book is full of lazy errors and straight-up falsehoods. It is damaging to the reputation of all Penguin authors to be part of the same shameful, disreputable group as someone who is clearly a hack, a liar and a poopslice. Finally, if there is a boycott of Penguin books, as has been suggested by some, my sales will be hurt. WAH! As well they should be. The fact is, I feel conflicted about asking people to buy my book when by doing so, I am asking people to support the current national pastime of using gay people as a punching bag.

The Truth About Hilary sounds like a lousy book, but a boycott? Is the book really "using gay people as a punching bag?" I’m sorry, but all the gays here in West Hollywood go to the gym so often that could easily beat the crap out of me.

Penguin also publishes the Mad Libs series, which has caused countless children to use obscenities in new and interesting ways. Where’s the outrage there, Mr. Madison?

Meanwhile, in Coney Island

July 3, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 4 Comments

If it’s fourth of July, that means in Brooklyn it’s time for Nathan’s Famous July Fourth International Hot Dog Eating Contest. Can anyone unseat four-time winner Takeru Kobayahsi of Japan, who last year ate 53 1/2 hot dogs in twelve minutes?

Here are last year’s onlookers just seconds before Norwegian-born Steinar Andersen’s unsuccessful (and rather unpleasant) attempt to eat his 42nd hot dog.

I Slept With Tom Cruise

July 1, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 16 Comments

In light of all the emails going around saying that Tom Cruise is everywhere doing everything with everyone, including having an affair with Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas, I’ve decided to ‘fess up myself.

I was enjoying my ice blended at the Brentwood Coffee Bean, when all of a sudden, Tom Cruise walked in, got a green tea, and sat at a nearby table. Now, I’m one of his biggest fans, so I took a deep breath and got enough nerve to go over to him. I told him how much I adored his work, and then I started rambling. I told him that I used to wear those ‘Risky Business" Ray-Ban sunglasses around my neighborhood in Queens — just so I could look more like him. He laughed and invited me to sit down.

As we chatted and talked about the ups and downs of Los Angeles life, I started getting nervous again. Here I was sitting with one of the world’s biggest stars! I reached into my pocket and took out my Prozac. He angrily knocked away my bottle.

Don’t you realize you don’t need that?! Did a psychiatrist give you that? Don’t you know psychiatry isn’t a science? I’ve studied the history of psychiatry, so I know. Have you ever read Dianetics?

He told me all about Scientology, and you know what — when he explained it to me in his soothing voice, it all started to make a lot of sense.

The next thing I knew, I was in bed with Tom Cruise. I’m not gay, but this is Tom Cruise. And he says he’s not gay either. Tom is a very caring lover. Even though he is shorter than I realized, he’s not short at all in the places where it counts (if you know what I mean).

In the morning, he made me a delicious nutritious breakfast made with organic ingredients, including waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice. We then sat in his screening room and watched his favorite movie, "Top Gun" on DVD. We both laughed a lot at Kelly McGillis’ wooden performance and had an all around wonderful time. My experience with Tom Cruise was the second greatest moment of my life, after my bar mitzvah.