Month: May 2005 (Page 4 of 5)

Oy Vey! Now the Trees Hate Us!

May 17, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 5 Comments

After the big Newsweek scandal, I think it’s time to sit back and remember that the American media isn’t the only one that uses "unnamed sources" for journalistic reasons. For example, I just read about the official Palestinian Authority Television broadcast of Sheik Ibrahim Mudeiris’ sermon.

The day will come when everything will be relieved of the Jews – even the stones and trees which were harmed by them. Listen to the Prophet Muhammad, who tells you about the evil end that awaits Jews. The stones and trees will want the Muslims to finish off every Jew. (via Memri)

It’s pretty clear that the speech is anti-Semitic. The bigger question is, "Who are these stones and trees who hate Jews so much that they want Muslims to "finish them off." Is it all of the stones and trees, or just the leadership of the stones and trees? Do they have names, or are these stones and trees "unnamed sources"?

I do remember skimming stones in Sylvan Lake at Camp Kinder-Ring when I was a kid, but I’ve never even carved my name in a tree. In fact, most American Jews are not very nature friendly. I did go to Joshua Tree National Park once. It was too hot and I got lost driving. Luckily, I found the way to Palm Springs, where I stayed at a really nice hotel and spa.

I spoke to a couple of other Jews here in Los Angeles, suggesting we go rioting and killing people, or at least injuring some Palm trees. That seems to be the proper response to the insult. Unfortunately, several people already had plans to watch "American Idol" tonight, so I guess the rioting is off.

Carl and Paris

May 17, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 3 Comments

Carl Karcher was born in 1917 in Sandusky, OH.

He moved to Anaheim in 1937 to work in his uncle’s seed store. He later delivered baked goods and ended up buying one of his stops…a hot dog stand. Karcher and his wife grew the stand into an empire of four before opening Carl’s Drive-In Barbeque in 1945. Carl’s Jr debuted in 1956, so-named because they were considered "junior" versions of the original drive-in. It was modeled directly after the original McDonald’s, which by then was pioneering the modern day fast food industry. Carl’s Jr spent the next couple of decades expanding and innovating, introducing several firsts to fast food restaurants like padded seating and partial dining room service.

Carl was always a family man. Today, he has twelve children, forty grandchildren, and eighteen great-grandchildren. He is a long time supporter of Republican candidates and causes, including the Right to Life League, which has a platform calling for the end to abortion, with no exception.

Nothing says family values better than the new Carl’s Jr. commercial starring Paris Hilton, a woman made famous giving a blowjob in a video.

Let’s give credit where credit is due. The commercial is sexy, but my mind wandered to things other than the soap on her body. How do the filmmakers keep the lettuce and tomato from sliding out of the bun? I’ve eaten burgers in Carl’s Jr. They end up a mess. Did the prop people have to put little pins on the bun to keep it down, sort of the way you have to pin down a yarmulke?

Here is the nutrition info on the six dollar bacon cheeseburger. Now, this is pornographic.

In Praise of Chinese Restaurants

May 12, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 3 Comments

If I can make it to New York soon, I’d like to go see "Have You Eaten Yet?" at the Museum of Chinese in Americas. It is an exhibit is about the history of Chinese restaurants in America.

Rich, poor, black, white, who doesn’t love Chinese food? I always thought that if the world was going to be taken over by an enemy, better it be the Chinese than the Russians. At least we already like their food.

There are many Jewish jokes about American Jews and their love for Chinese food. My family was no exception. Growing up in Queens, NY, Chinese restaurants played an important part of my upbringing. Proust can have his madelaine. I have kung pao chicken.

Some random thoughts:

Christmas for us was Chinese food night. Maybe Jews love Chinese restaurants because they were the only places open on Christmas and Easter.
We would break our Yom Kippur Fast at a Chinese restaurant, usually a fancy place like King Yum, where they had exotic flaming dishes which we never ordered because they were too expensive.
We sometimes ate pork in a Chinese restaurant because it was somehow more kosher than the pork of any other ethnic group.
My mother tried to make her own "pepper steak" and "chow mein," with limited success.
I first considered myself "sophisticated" when I learned to use chopsticks.
I still remember the excitement of eating in my first Szechuan and Hunan restaurants in Manhattan and realizing that egg foo young isn’t really Chinese food.
I also remember the excitement of seeing what Chinese people really ate, and realizing the food I was eating in the Szechuan and Hunan restaurants wasn’t really Chinese food, either.
I couldn’t help trying a Chinese restaurant in Madrid with a really weird menu, and realizing that it was adapted for Spanish tastes as much as Chinese immigrants to America adapted their cuisine for us.
I spent too much time hanging out in the Formosa Cafe when I first moved to Los Angeles. What a cool place. The worst Chinese food I’ve ever tasted.
I still keep fortunes from the fortune cookies in my wallet, waiting for the them to come true.
I called my mother last night to tell her to go to this exhibit, but she was out playing Mah Jong.

Not On Target

May 11, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 4 Comments

Having written about television commercials yesterday, I should admit that I like commercials. My favorites are those produced for Target. Created by the advertising agency Peterson Milla Hooks/Minneapolis ( I googled it), they’re hip, colorful, and fun. They win all sorts of awards.

Yesterday, I went to Target to buy a wok. The store wasn’t very exciting. The lines was long. The experience was only a notch better than going to Kmart. Can a commercial be too clever for its own good? I know dancing girls don’t show up when I drink a can of Coke, but I felt I was burned. I was sold a Target experience, but it wasn’t there. As much as I don’t like Starbucks, they do a good job at providing a "Starbucks" experience. This should be something advertisers think about — when there is a big disconnect between hype and reality.

Maybe I should look forward to the time when advertisers will be totally ignoring me. By 50, you should be smart enough not to buy into the hype of advertisers. You should be wise enough to realize that life is too short to watch another Snuggles commercial. Read a book, have sex, watch "American Idol" and skip the commercials with the Tivo.

Next time, I’ll go to Costco. Even though Costco doesn’t have any trendy ads, at least they give out free samples of chili.

Never Trust Anyone Over 50

May 10, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 3 Comments

Next week is the TV industry’s "upfront" presentations in New York and many over age 50 are complaining that the broadcast networks are ignoring their demographic group (via the new Huffington Post).

Catering almost exclusively to the young might seem counterproductive. More than half the nation’s wealth is in the hands of people over 50, who spend an estimated $2 trillion a year on products and services.

But advertising experts say that when they aim commercials at young people, they also get older folks — while the opposite is rarely the case. People over 50 watch more TV and thus are easier for the networks to reach. The younger demo, busy with work and family and tempted by myriad entertainment choices, is more difficult to corral.

Of course, it’s easy to forget that it is this exact "Never Trust Anyone Over 30" demographic group who created (and got rich off of) the youth culture of the 60’s. Karma, baby.

I’ve always thought cultures that look up to their elders make for a healthier society. After all, one day, even the copywriters of Boost Mobile ads will be walking with canes.

It Always Rains in California

May 8, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 0 Comments

Los Angeles needs just 1.13 inches of rain to match the record set in 1883-84. Today’s NY Times editorial on this "rain watch in Los Angeles" reminded me of what’s been on my mind lately:

After such a wet winter, no one really wants more rain. As The New York Times pointed out on its weather page on Friday, Los Angeles has already surpassed the average annual rainfall of Chicago and is heading toward Pittsburgh. Yet most Angelenos are quietly hoping to break the old mark of 38.18 inches.

Yes, most of us are hoping for this (Why quietly? Are we ashamed to bring it up?). As an Angeleno, it’s all I think about other than this week’s box office and surfing. All day, I’ve been thinking of ways to help break this rainfall record. Perhaps I should drive up to the Chumash Indian Casino near Santa Barbara and ask for help. Do Native Americans remember any traditional rain dances? Or have they forsaken that for blackjack and Stud High low Omaha Hold ’em.

Of course, the NY Times editorial has to end with a downer about Los Angeles.

But in Los Angeles, and much of California, this winter’s history is next winter’s drought. A wet season runs down the storm drains and out to sea, but a drought goes nowhere, compounding itself day by day.

Contrast this with a similar article about LA’s rain record in the L.A. Daily News.

Still, the rain has made for a colorful spring, with grass growing and flowers in full bloom.

"It starts to look like Hawaii here," said Susie Corder, 29, of North Hollywood. "Everything is so green."

Excuse me, I have to go back to praying to Chac, the ancient Mayan rain god.

Revlon Run/Walk LA

May 8, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 0 Comments

The Los Angeles Revlon Run/Walk was great. There were 50,000 participants, all there to raise money and awareness of breast and ovarian cancers.

I walked with S and the Wellness Community of the South Bay.

Thanks, Mom, for reminding me to bring sunscreen. Happy Mother’s Day.

Doctor, Doctor

May 6, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 0 Comments

After my lovefest for Dr. Mehmet Oz yesterday, I was reminded of the true state of the medical profession by the Los Angeles Times this morning:

Martin Luther King Jr./Drew Medical Center took steps this week to fire three physicians after auditors uncovered more alleged incidents of moonlighting, fraud and misbehavior by the public hospital’s senior doctors. (LA Times)

Four years ago, as evidence mounted that Merck’s blockbuster painkiller Vioxx could cause heart attacks, the company ordered its sales force not to discuss the emerging data with doctors, but instead to paint a reassuring picture of minimal risks, according to documents released Thursday at a congressional hearing. (LA Times)

Three doctors were charged Thursday with giving large amounts of Viagra and other anti-impotence drugs to mob members in return for construction and auto repair work done by Mafia-controlled businesses. (LA Times)

I found this last story the most interesting, mostly because it reminded me of a script I recently read titled, "The Godfather 2005." Here’s the first scene:

THE GODFATHER 2005

FADE IN:

INT. DON CORLEONE’S OFFICE – DAY

The blinds are closed, and so the room is dark. We are watching DOCTOR SHAPIRO over the shoulder of DON CORLEONE.

DON CORLEONE
Doctor, we know each other for years, but this is
the first time you come to me for help. I don’t
remember the last time you invited me to your
house for coffee… even though our wives are
friends.

DOCTOR SHAPIRO
What do you want of me? I’ll give you anything
you want, but do what I ask!

DON CORLEONE
And what is that, Doctor?

DOCTOR SHAPIRO whispers into the DON’s ear.

DON CORLEONE
No. You ask for too much.

DOCTOR SHAPIRO
I need to bring my Acura into your nephew’s shop
now, not Tuesday! The OnStar system is
on the fritz.

DON CORLEONE
Did you bring it up with Joey?

DOCTOR SHAPIRO
He says he’s totally booked up this weekend.
Please help. Talk to your nephew. He’s the
best shop in Westchester.

Slowly, DOCTOR SHAPIRO bows his head and murmurs.

DOCTOR SHAPIRO (CONT’D)
Be my friend. Godfather.

DON CORLEONE
I see. And if I do this for you, what service
can you do for me in return?

DOCTOR SHAPIRO takes out a large plastic bag from under the table. On it, in large letters, is written "PFIZER."

DOCTOR SHAPIRO
(smiling slyly)
Let me ask you something, Godfather. How is
your relationship with Mrs. Corleone?

And Now a Message from Our Hubcap

May 5, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 0 Comments

Today, as I was driving down La Cienega, I saw a taxi that that was advertising "Smallville" on all four of its hubcaps. I started to imagine the meeting that must have taken place at some marketing agency —

Marketing guru: "Hey, we’ve turned buses and cars into travelling advertisements, how about the hubcaps?"

I have nothing against new forms of advertising… but hubcaps? Is that really going to excite the general public into watching a TV show on the WB?

I figured this hubcap mania was already going on in New York, home to the great taxis of America, but the only hubcap advertisement company I could find was in Great Britain.

(via Hubads)

With summer quickly approaching, I offer a new idea in guerrilla marketing:

We are the World Sex Survey

May 4, 2005 / Neil Kramer / 5 Comments

Every year, Durex, the condom maker, puts out a "global sex survey." It makes for some interesting (and weird) reading.

Did you know that people around the world have had an average of 10.5 sexual partners? Americans average out at 10.3. The Vietnamese have the least at 2.5 partners. The winners – the Chinese, with an average of 19.3 partners. Now when I see a Chinese restaurant menu that says "order one dish from column A, one dish from column B," my thoughts will go way beyond ordering food.

The Italians reach the most orgasms — 61% of the time. The Chinese reach orgasm only 19% of the time. What do they expect — they never stay in one bed long enough to finish things through!

Americans reach orgasm 39% of the time.

If you want a partner that rarely fakes an orgasm, go with a Macedonian or Serbian Montenegrin, who are the most satisfied — at 82% of the time. Unfortunately, my "Google" search for "meet Macedonian women in Los Angeles" was not very successful.

Not unsurprisingly, The French have the most sex — 137 times a year. The Japanese only have sex 46 times a year, giving them a lot of time to build really good cars.

Americans and Israelis tie at having sex 111 times a year, proving the Arab media right when they say the fascist Americans and Zionists are in bed together.

The most moronic category is the world’s sexiest female and male celebrity. Angelina Jolie is the world’s favorite. Bah, humbug.

Let me bring up the Israelis again. What is with you guys — picking Angelina by a whopping 43%, the biggest margin worldwide. Is it because her father, Jon Voight, dances with the rabbis during the Chabad telethon? (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, forget it)

Japan loves Cameron Diaz at 23 %. As for male celebrities, Brad Pitt is pretty much the world’s sexiest man, except for in India, who are gaga for Tom Cruise at 26%.

Note to Tom: for your honeymoon with Katie (we hope!), why not New Delhi? They love you there.